Staying friends with your ex - acceptable or not?

[Tom_C76]

I seem to have been dumped for still being friends with my ex. Not that I kept this fact a secret from the new o/h, but she announced last night that I had to break off all contact with ex or she was leaving...

Am I mad to think that, after an amicable breakup, and provided time for spending with new o/h always comes first, it should be acceptable to see the ex maybe once a week as a friend?

(awaits torrent of abuse)

TC

[cottonfoo]

Many people are still friends with ex partners. Your current, or current ex, is insecure.

[Penny-lope]

cottonfoo said:

Many people are still friends with ex partners. Your current, or current ex, is insecure.

Very insecure

[Famous Graham]

What they said.

Perfectly acceptable.

However, whether it's advisable depends on the nature of the split.

[MitchT]

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who still associates with their ex. Call it insecurity, call it what you want... No.

[shirt]

perfectly acceptable. i am friends with my ex and even some of my mates find that a bit strange. its probably because most relationships end badly and they don't get it.

eta: i should say its not been an issue yet.

Edited by shirt on Tuesday 21st April 17:15

[Steamer]

Yes indeed!

We've now been friends longer than we were going out. (8 years in total)

I've found we have a different sort of friendship which is quite comical at times - on occasions there is a slight bit of tension but on the whole its probably one of my most valued friendships....

...not many people seem to understand how it works though.

[JonRB]

Famous Graham said:

Perfectly acceptable.
However, whether it's advisable depends on the nature of the split.

Wise words, and I like the distinction.

Provided my wife and I don't fall out massively over the financial side of the divorce (and that's a big if TBH) then I can see me staying friends with her. I think that's mostly because we ended up being good friends rather than man & wife, if that makes any sense.
Quite how any future partner would view that, I can't predict. It's not a situation I have any intention of being in for quite a while right now.

However, I can see where the new girlfriend is coming from in a way. There is always the worry for her that you'll want to go back to your ex and that's why you're staying friends with her. It's insecurity for sure.

Giving you an ultimatum like that is totally out of order though. I think the answer to that is "don't let the door hit your arse on the way out".

Edited by JonRB on Tuesday 21st April 17:17

[PistonReg]

Penny-lope said:

cottonfoo said:

Many people are still friends with ex partners. Your current, or current ex, is insecure.

Very insecure

Agreed. If she's going to leave you over that now, then even if you did call off contact with your ex, sounds to me like she'll have you over the same "I'll leave you if you don't" barrel again before long.

[sleep envy]

Tom_C76 said:

she announced last night that I had to break off all contact with ex

she announces you HAVE to break off all contact

is she usually so demanding and do you usually let her get her way?

[Mr POD]

My wife is BEST friends with my Ex. It's a bit weird, because 28 years on I get the feeling that I'm still not forgiven for whatever i did which forced her to dump me in the first place.

[Stevenj214]

I'll freely admit that I can be insecure at times. If my girlfriend was regularly meeting with her ex boyfriend, my insecurities and jealousy would get the better of me. I know it's a flaw, but it's a flaw that would take a lot of work to get over.

[SellerOfSin]

Personally I've had nothing but bad relationships that end on very bad terms. If I never saw any of my exs ever again, I'd be happy. A few I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire.

Spending time with your ex can be seen as attempt to keep the ex close. I can understand where the insecurities come from, especially from people who don't want anything to do with their ex.

I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with my partner going out of their way to spend time with their ex. If the ex was part of a group of friends and everyone was on good terms, then that's one thing, but just think of how it sounds. Once a week I like to go out with my ex. If your new girlfriend was going out of her way to spend time with her ex every week you honestly wouldn't care? Not one bit?

[ShadownINja]

cottonfoo said:

Many people are still friends with ex partners. Your current, or current ex, is insecure.

Spot on. That said, how many people are truly emotionally stable? So it depends on who you want to be in your life more: your old ex or your recent ex.

[Superhoop1904]

If it was around the other way would you have a probem with her being friends withher ex?

My partner would not be too happy if I were in contact with any of my ex's but having said that I would prefer her not to be too pally with any of hers.

Maybe we are both insecure?????

[dan1981]

Once a week though?

I have friends i'm lucky to see once a month - and they definilty are not exes....

Maybe a little less often?

[Swilly]

Tom_C76 said:

I seem to have been dumped for still being friends with my ex. Not that I kept this fact a secret from the new o/h, but she announced last night that I had to break off all contact with ex or she was leaving...

Am I mad to think that, after an amicable breakup, and provided time for spending with new o/h always comes first, it should be acceptable to see the ex maybe once a week as a friend?

(awaits torrent of abuse)

TC

Two of my best friends are exes, one of them is also one of my oldest friends having known her for 20 years, four of the first 6 years being together.

your ex is insecure. Reassure her or dump her because the problem of her insecurity will continue to raise its head over this and other matters.

[Los Palmas 7]

Totally acceptable.

Or so I thought...

[wolf1]

I'm still great friends with one of my ex's. We were good friends before we took it a step further and since we split up we've been even better friends. We've both seen each other naked and know what makes each of us tick so conversations are better and humor can be taken that step further without offence. I will still sit really close to her on the couch and can get away with stuff you would never attempt with just a normal friend. It's sort of like we are a couple but not if that makes any sense. If I had a partner that had a problem with that then I would have to be seriously head over heels in love with her to ruin a friendship that is so great.

[ShadownINja]

wolf1 said:

I'm still great friends with one of my ex's. We were good friends before we took it a step further and since we split up we've been even better friends. We've both seen each other naked and know what makes each of us tick so conversations are better and humor can be taken that step further without offence. I will still sit really close to her on the couch and can get away with stuff you would never attempt with just a normal friend. It's sort of like we are a couple but not if that makes any sense. If I had a partner that had a problem with that then I would have to be seriously head over heels in love with her to ruin a friendship that is so great.

Bit of an aside but I know what you mean; don't you feel like it would be so better if you could be her boyfriend? But at the same time, you know that it just wouldn't work.