Social Phobia - advice???
Discussion
Hi everybody,
Just wanted to ask peoples advice.
I'm 23, just graduated from university last year and am now working for family, running a network of business's including restaurants, event management and high end retailing etc.
I've generally been quite a quiet and shy person since a very young age but as I've grown up, I've found its certain situations where I find myself a social quivering uncomfortable wreck. This then leads onto the fact that I find it very hard to make conversation, maintain conversation and to meet people, especially girls. I am fine around my friends, customers, suppliers etc which I define as my comfort zone. I kind of think part of it is down to my insecurities about myself (friends say little guy syndrome - I'm 5'5) and to mask this, I have been quite sucessful in obtaining materialistic things like buying a nice car, nice flat, gadgets/toys and clothes etc. People also tend to describe me as the 'nice' guy.
However, if I'm ever put in a situation where I have to meet new people like at parties, in a bar etc, I always find myself change and I feel all uncomfortable. Its almost as if I feel totally inferior to everybody else and I show it in the way I speak, my mannerisms and body language. I'm also going to admit that I haven't even had a girlfriend since my school days. The only time I really meet women is when they approach/pursue me, which isn't that often so nothing more than one nighters have ever materialised.
Recently, its made me quite depressed and its an aspect of my life I really want to change so I just wanted to ask peoples advice.
(PS. I'm asking on here because I would like to ask advice from people that I don't personally know, Thanx)
Just wanted to ask peoples advice.
I'm 23, just graduated from university last year and am now working for family, running a network of business's including restaurants, event management and high end retailing etc.
I've generally been quite a quiet and shy person since a very young age but as I've grown up, I've found its certain situations where I find myself a social quivering uncomfortable wreck. This then leads onto the fact that I find it very hard to make conversation, maintain conversation and to meet people, especially girls. I am fine around my friends, customers, suppliers etc which I define as my comfort zone. I kind of think part of it is down to my insecurities about myself (friends say little guy syndrome - I'm 5'5) and to mask this, I have been quite sucessful in obtaining materialistic things like buying a nice car, nice flat, gadgets/toys and clothes etc. People also tend to describe me as the 'nice' guy.
However, if I'm ever put in a situation where I have to meet new people like at parties, in a bar etc, I always find myself change and I feel all uncomfortable. Its almost as if I feel totally inferior to everybody else and I show it in the way I speak, my mannerisms and body language. I'm also going to admit that I haven't even had a girlfriend since my school days. The only time I really meet women is when they approach/pursue me, which isn't that often so nothing more than one nighters have ever materialised.
Recently, its made me quite depressed and its an aspect of my life I really want to change so I just wanted to ask peoples advice.
(PS. I'm asking on here because I would like to ask advice from people that I don't personally know, Thanx)
Firstly you need to get rid of the inferiority complex. Think about the positive things, what makes you better than others, what are your pro's to their cons.
You'll be a little like a Top Trump card. OK, when people pick Height, you're out of the game, but what things have you got that you'd win on.
Everybody has their good points so find your bright side.
Social stuff like confidence is an interesting one. Maybe a little like taking your hands off the bar on a rollercoaster, you know it's possible but you just need to make that jump.
The clever bit about confidence is even if you pretend to be confident, it works as it's the same thing.
Make sure there isn;t anything you are concentrating on as a flaw in yourself. Everyone has them, and everyone accepts their differences, and most of the time, no one else even notices what you think stands out.
You'll be a little like a Top Trump card. OK, when people pick Height, you're out of the game, but what things have you got that you'd win on.
Everybody has their good points so find your bright side.
Social stuff like confidence is an interesting one. Maybe a little like taking your hands off the bar on a rollercoaster, you know it's possible but you just need to make that jump.
The clever bit about confidence is even if you pretend to be confident, it works as it's the same thing.
Make sure there isn;t anything you are concentrating on as a flaw in yourself. Everyone has them, and everyone accepts their differences, and most of the time, no one else even notices what you think stands out.
Stop thinking about everything so much. You're shorter than average, but so are lots of people. 23 is young and there is plenty of time to meet people. If you notice yourself changing in a certain social situation, then put yourself in different situations. Going out to try and meet someone isn't a good idea, just go out for fun. If you're enjoying yourself people will want to be around you, and maybe you'll meet a nice shortarse who'll put up with your LMS. 
Blimey, well strength to your elbow for posting (at least some of) this in The Lounge, which I believe is acting as the P&P from old.
Anyhow, I don't think you have a problem to be honest, what you descibe, in terms of feelings is perfectly natural. As a BDM within IT recruitment, I have over the years had to meet complete strangers in pubs, restaurants and at my company's offices and that butterfly in the stomach style feeling is always there. Even though I have done these meetings hundreds of times you still get that (natural) feeling of slight insecurity. My advice would be to do what I do... ignore it. There is nothing wrong with you, you have nothing to prove, relax and enjoy the meeting - female or otherwise.
You think the person/people you are meeting will judge you, on looks/height/confidence/approach etc. when in actual fact it is you who is judging you in advance. Switch off that self attitude and you will be fine. If you find yourself drifting towards self criticism prior to a liaison then focus your mind on something else - your favourite film, car, food, moment, whatever.
Enjoy your life, don't continue to make a prison through self doubt.
Anyhow, I don't think you have a problem to be honest, what you descibe, in terms of feelings is perfectly natural. As a BDM within IT recruitment, I have over the years had to meet complete strangers in pubs, restaurants and at my company's offices and that butterfly in the stomach style feeling is always there. Even though I have done these meetings hundreds of times you still get that (natural) feeling of slight insecurity. My advice would be to do what I do... ignore it. There is nothing wrong with you, you have nothing to prove, relax and enjoy the meeting - female or otherwise.
You think the person/people you are meeting will judge you, on looks/height/confidence/approach etc. when in actual fact it is you who is judging you in advance. Switch off that self attitude and you will be fine. If you find yourself drifting towards self criticism prior to a liaison then focus your mind on something else - your favourite film, car, food, moment, whatever.
Enjoy your life, don't continue to make a prison through self doubt.
Advice ?
It's all here...
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, 1927
It's all here...
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, 1927
It doesn't sound like you have a social phobia as such, If you did you would not allow yourself to be caught in such social situations in the first place. You clearly do have social anxiety though however this appears to be more related to your confidence. I would suggest talking to your gp about the possibility of CBT as this is very effective for general anxiety disorders, however there is a good chance they will fob you off with some drugs as this is a lot easier for them however is rarely the most useful for the patient.
Don't worry about it. If you have a certain amount of material success, then certain types of 'wimmin' will find you. 
However is that what you want?
I'd recommend finding some interest, skill or hobby that you enjoy - preferably one that would enable you to meet a variety of people - and kicking back and just letting things flow from there.
However is that what you want?I'd recommend finding some interest, skill or hobby that you enjoy - preferably one that would enable you to meet a variety of people - and kicking back and just letting things flow from there.
I get the same feelings of insecurity around new people sometimes (although when lubricated with booze I do tend to just shout 'I love you' at new people... 
) based on my physical appearance too. I've found that if I just act confident, normally this actually somehow leads to feeling alot more confident. Just 13 months ago I was a fat, plain, quivering geeky guy who never really spoke to anyone. I'm nothing like that now. mainly becuase I told myself I could be fabulous, so that is what I tried to become 
And your height shouldn't really matter, becuase I know alot of very attractive yet short guys! Feel sorry for us fatties
) based on my physical appearance too. I've found that if I just act confident, normally this actually somehow leads to feeling alot more confident. Just 13 months ago I was a fat, plain, quivering geeky guy who never really spoke to anyone. I'm nothing like that now. mainly becuase I told myself I could be fabulous, so that is what I tried to become And your height shouldn't really matter, becuase I know alot of very attractive yet short guys! Feel sorry for us fatties
I might be wrong - but you just sound like a bit of an awkward person (or person that feels awkward) when out and about.
I have a couple of friends like that, and to be honest I feel a bit like that at times too. If I haven't clicked with a group of new people I tend to just sit back and let those that are masters at 'small talk' just get on with it.
I'd also like to add that its the same socially awkward friends that are probably my best and most interesting friends - so I wouldnt give yourself too much of a hard time about it. Sounds like things are going pretty well other than that...
....oh and as for 'not getting any' with the chicks. Try a few chubby girls - they are always grateful and its good practice
I have a couple of friends like that, and to be honest I feel a bit like that at times too. If I haven't clicked with a group of new people I tend to just sit back and let those that are masters at 'small talk' just get on with it.
I'd also like to add that its the same socially awkward friends that are probably my best and most interesting friends - so I wouldnt give yourself too much of a hard time about it. Sounds like things are going pretty well other than that...
....oh and as for 'not getting any' with the chicks. Try a few chubby girls - they are always grateful and its good practice
Hairspray said:
I get the same feelings of insecurity around new people sometimes (although when lubricated with booze I do tend to just shout 'I love you' at new people... ) based on my physical appearance too. I've found that if I just act confident, normally this actually somehow leads to feeling alot more confident. Just 13 months ago I was a fat, plain, quivering geeky guy who never really spoke to anyone. I'm nothing like that now. mainly becuase I told myself I could be fabulous, so that is what I tried to become
And your height shouldn't really matter, becuase I know alot of very attractive yet short guys! Feel sorry for us fatties
There's the germ of an insight there which belies your years: 'we must become the change we want to see'. ) based on my physical appearance too. I've found that if I just act confident, normally this actually somehow leads to feeling alot more confident. Just 13 months ago I was a fat, plain, quivering geeky guy who never really spoke to anyone. I'm nothing like that now. mainly becuase I told myself I could be fabulous, so that is what I tried to become And your height shouldn't really matter, becuase I know alot of very attractive yet short guys! Feel sorry for us fatties
Be fabulous, and eventually people will treat you as such.
Credit to you for posting on here and asking for advice.
I don't actually think it's too much of a problem.
You just need to look at yourself in a different light.
You're young. You're successful and you have a social life of a fashion.
Try not to be too hard on yourself and most of all don't feel like you have to try too hard to "fit in" and chat to everyone/chase women/be laddish/etc.
Things will naturally happen if you just chill out, go with the flow and be yourself.
Best wishes
I don't actually think it's too much of a problem.
You just need to look at yourself in a different light.
You're young. You're successful and you have a social life of a fashion.
Try not to be too hard on yourself and most of all don't feel like you have to try too hard to "fit in" and chat to everyone/chase women/be laddish/etc.
Things will naturally happen if you just chill out, go with the flow and be yourself.
Best wishes
You are not alone. The thing to remember is that many people feel exactly the way you do but they cover it up by putting on a confident front and bluffing their way through.
I was very similar to you once upon a time, and I also worked for a family business. In hindsight working for my father gave me some great opportunities and I gained a lot of experience workwise, but with the benefit of hindsight I feel it held me back, as it allowed me to stay in my comfort zone. It might be worth considering striking out on your own for a few years, it will make you realise how much you do have to offer, and you can always come back to the family business later.
Be yourself, join some new social groups based on your interests/hobbies; whilst it won't be easy you will come to appreciate that you get out of life what you put in and sometimes putting yourself in situations where you have to interact can be rewarding.
Give it a try, you might just surprise yourself!
I was very similar to you once upon a time, and I also worked for a family business. In hindsight working for my father gave me some great opportunities and I gained a lot of experience workwise, but with the benefit of hindsight I feel it held me back, as it allowed me to stay in my comfort zone. It might be worth considering striking out on your own for a few years, it will make you realise how much you do have to offer, and you can always come back to the family business later.
Be yourself, join some new social groups based on your interests/hobbies; whilst it won't be easy you will come to appreciate that you get out of life what you put in and sometimes putting yourself in situations where you have to interact can be rewarding.
Give it a try, you might just surprise yourself!
Edited by Grumpy old git on Friday 5th June 00:31
Edited by Grumpy old git on Friday 5th June 00:32
Not uncommon, and I'm thinking maybe you are suffering some kind of depression - it's not like anything has changed external to you - it sounds more an internal issue. I'm not saying that is the case but well worth some consideration.
Something I found helpful (though a completely different situation) is to try and consider everyone you meet to be your friend until they prove otherwise. Think to yourself 'I like this person'; that could be the bus driver, the barman/girl, shopkeeper, anyone you come across - make habits of greeting folk and/or making small talk as you go about your day. Start radiating that friendly aura and you will gain happiness and confidence with your dealings with others and this will create positive feelings and vibes about liaisons in general. (Not that I'm saying you're not friendly, just that I found it enriching and folk gravitate towards me more).
Something I found helpful (though a completely different situation) is to try and consider everyone you meet to be your friend until they prove otherwise. Think to yourself 'I like this person'; that could be the bus driver, the barman/girl, shopkeeper, anyone you come across - make habits of greeting folk and/or making small talk as you go about your day. Start radiating that friendly aura and you will gain happiness and confidence with your dealings with others and this will create positive feelings and vibes about liaisons in general. (Not that I'm saying you're not friendly, just that I found it enriching and folk gravitate towards me more).
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