Some help please....Child maintance

[Penny-lope]

Stuck this on the finance forum, but not getting anything back yet....(sorry Mods, just trying to get a little advice, but feel free to delete)


Just wondering if anyone can answer my question, before I head to the C.A. for advice.

I left my ex over 2 years ago (not married, but together for just under 15 years), and up till the last 3 months, he has taken our son most weekends, and some of the holidays(1/3). And paid £100 a month maintance...a privately arrange agreement between the two of us.

However lately, he has been spending less time with his son, as he is involved with a new partner and her 4 kids (Not living together though).

Then this morning he annouces that he is no longer willing to have his son weekly, or 3 in every 4 wks...but wants him just 2 weekends per month, with no other contact. Plus holidays will probably not happen at all.

I have therefore decided that I will probably be better going to the CSA to get what my son in entitled to. As going on his wages 2 years ago, he should have been paying at least £150 a month. The money he pays to me, goes into an account for my sons future, and is never touched.

What I am wondering, I get both Family and Working tax credit, but no other benefits except Child Benefit. Well my tax credits be reduced, if I claim through CSA. And will I even see the extra maintance money? Or am I best to stick with what I've got?

I never wanted to go down this route, but when a father chooses another mans kids over his own, then I see no other route.

It's bad enough that his son is already asking why his dad no longer wants to spend as much time as he used to

And feel free to call me a SWT...past caring. I am doing this for my son, and not for the money.

[justayellowbadge]

Does he really only earn £1000 a month?

[Penny-lope]

justayellowbadge said:

Does he really only earn £1000 a month?

No, he has a yearly income of at least £23,000

[justayellowbadge]

CSA liabilty would be 15% of salary, with a tiny or nil reduction if he only has a couple of overnights a week.

[Penny-lope]

I know, but as I left him, and got the whole guilt trip for taking his son from him, I was quite happy with £85 a month (to be increased yearly with his pay raise %)

He then increased it to £100 2 months ago, as he said he'd have snawbaw 3 weekends in every 4.

But now he's changed his mind again.....every 2nd weekend, and like I said hardly any holiday time.

Crazy...I have a mate, who is fighting to see his kids, and here's a man fighting not to see his

Edited by Penny-lope on Wednesday 17th June 11:59

[justayellowbadge]

Working and Family tax credits will be unaffected by any CSA payment.

Different story if you're on JSA.

Your ex is lucky, but probably doesn't realize it. You actively want your son to spend time with his father.

Not everyone is as reasonable. Even when 15X that level of maintenance is being paid.

Edited by justayellowbadge on Wednesday 17th June 12:05

[Penny-lope]

justayellowbadge said:

Working and Family tax credits will be unaffected by any CSA payment.

Different story if you're on JSA.

Your ex is lucky, but probably doesn't realize it. You actively want you son to spend time with his father.

Not everyone is as unreasonable. Even when 10X that level of maintenance is being paid.

Thanks....but try telling him that.

I never wanted him to be a 'McDonalds dad', but that's what he's turning himself into. And the only one to suffer is our son.

Up until now I have always made excuses for him to our son, saying he's had to work, or he's ill. But maybe it's time he finds out the truth???

I hate being a parent sometimes

Edited by Penny-lope on Wednesday 17th June 12:05

[V8mate]

justayellowbadge said:

CSA liabilty would be 15% of net salary, with a tiny or nil reduction if he only has a couple of overnights a week.

EFA

Any income via CSA is ignored when calculating working tax credits, AFAIK.

[BoRED S2upid]

Have you asked him for more per month? If hes been happy to pay £100 he may well pay more voluntarily. I feel sorry for your son, everyone deserves a decent dad.

[JRM]

Penny-lope said:

I left my ex over 2 years ago (not married, but together for just under 15 years), and up till the last 3 months, he has taken our son most weekends, and some of the holidays(1/3).

If it's not rude to ask, when do you see your son if he is with his Dad every weekend?

[Penny-lope]

JRM said:

Penny-lope said:

I left my ex over 2 years ago (not married, but together for just under 15 years), and up till the last 3 months, he has taken our son most weekends, and some of the holidays(1/3).

If it's not rude to ask, when do you see your son if he is with his Dad every weekend?

I have him Sunday 5ish, till the following Friday. And he's not there every weekend....most weekends. He goes through phases depending if he has a new bird or not!

Yes he goes to school...his fathers arguement too

But I take him with me, to one of my jobs (purposely took the job so I could keep him with me) So awake hours wise.....7am till 9 am, then 3.15pm till 8.00pm. But it's me that's there when he's ill at night, or wakes up from a bad dream, or wants a hug at 3 in the morning. It's me who has to take days off work if he's ill, or has appointments.

And before you ask, no he does not stay with grandparents, or any other family members when he's with me, as I have virtially none!

And over the last 2 years I have had him nearly every holiday (6wks/2wks/2wks/2wks) even though we both work in Education.

But yes of course am clearly the 'bad mum', as I actually want my son to see his father

And yes, I am pist off, sorry sorry if this seems like a rant, but you asked

[JRM]

Penny-lope said:

JRM said:

Penny-lope said:

I left my ex over 2 years ago (not married, but together for just under 15 years), and up till the last 3 months, he has taken our son most weekends, and some of the holidays(1/3).

If it's not rude to ask, when do you see your son if he is with his Dad every weekend?

I have him Sunday 5ish, till the following Friday. And he's not there every weekend....most weekends. He goes through phases depending if he has a new bird or not!

Yes he goes to school...his fathers arguement too

But I take him with me, to one of my jobs (purposely took the job so I could keep him with me) So awake hours wise.....7am till 9 am, then 3.15pm till 8.00pm. But it's me that's there when he's ill at night, or wakes up from a bad dream, or wants a hug at 3 in the morning. It's me who has to take days off work if he's ill, or has appointments.

And before you ask, no he does not stay with grandparents, or any other family members when he's with me, as I have virtially none!

And over the last 2 years I have had him nearly every holiday (6wks/2wks/2wks/2wks) even though we both work in Education.

But yes of course am clearly the 'bad mum', as I actually want my son to see his father

And yes, I am pist off, sorry sorry if this seems like a rant, but you asked

Sorry, I didn't mean to wind you up, it's great that you want to keep his Dad in the picture, but I wondered if part of it is also that you are annoyed that you are losing your own time at the weekends, rather than just wanting to get his Dad involved in his upbringing.

Is it worth explaining that to your ex, so that he understand all the times you are with your son during the week and that you need some time yourself?

[Penny-lope]

Hahahaha...are you joking

If he acted like an adult, then maybe we could, but he just storms out of rooms, or refuses to answer his phone like an spoilt teenager! Hmmm maybe I should speak to his mother

Ps Sorry too....I probably sound like a right nutter

Edited by Penny-lope on Wednesday 17th June 13:37

[justayellowbadge]

I have my lad 8 hours on a Saturday.

That's less than 5% of the week.

I'd kill for more time. (Metaphorically speaking, I must stress. That should in no way be construed as a threat.)

[Penny-lope]

So would most of the single dads I have ever spoke to....so you're not alone.

Why is bringing up a child, and wanting the best for them, so bloody difficult at times?

[skoff]

Penny-lope said:

But yes of course am clearly the 'bad mum', as I actually want my son to see his father

I don't think you are a bad mum at all - I can't understand why the man doesn't want to see his own flesh and blood..? I absolutely hate being away from my daughter, I couldn't conceive of only seeing her every other weekend or less...

Sorry I can't offer any helpful advice, only support and good wishes. My parents split up when I was 17 and I haven't seen my Dad since and the years have made me feel pretty bitter towards him for not making the effort.

[justayellowbadge]

Penny-lope said:

So would most of the single dads I have ever spoke to....so you're not alone.

Why is bringing up a child, and wanting the best for them, so bloody difficult at times?

Because 'Adults' forget to be.

Edited by justayellowbadge on Wednesday 17th June 13:49

[Lemmonie]

Hi Penny,

cant help at all but you have my sympathy. I have a very close friend who is going through the same thing.

She split after her husband got caught having affair. She was naturally devestated BUT its the lack of interest in seeing his own daughter that causes her more pain than anything. It's soul destroying as a parent i can imagine. I feel for you. x

[Gargamel]

Penny

Try pitching him with the time vs money argument. If he wants less contact then you will simply need more money to look after him in the extra time he is with you.

Is there an issue with the "other" children, if there is four already then perhaps the fifth causes practical problems with sleeping, transport etc and he has stupidly prioritised his new partner.

Personally I think you should speak to him again, tell him that you are upset and that your son is upset, try to compromise on a higher sum of money and childcare during the holidays

If not satisfied then go to the CSA

[justayellowbadge]

Gargamel said:

Try pitching him with the time vs money argument. If he wants less contact then you will simply need more money to look after him in the extra time he is with you.

no No NO NO NO

I cannot tell you what a bad idea this is.

Contact and finances must be kept seperate.

The idea that one parent is using contact to get more cash, or the other using demands of money to get more or less contact/freetime?

It's your child, not a commodity.

fking sickening when that st starts happening, and I firmly believe it's at that point someone goes from being a selfish tt to essentially abdicating their right to be a parent.

Don't do it Pen, be better than that.