Telling a child about bereavement
Discussion
This is new ground for me.
My father-in-law is very poorly and is unlikely to be around too much longer.
I've a 3 (nearly 4) year old daughter who will want to know where her grandad is after his death and will pick up on the unhappiness which ensues, particularly her Mum's and Nan's.
I suspect it will fall to me to break the news & explain.
I'm not really sure about my daughter's concept of death, -perhaps this is something I need to explore. She understands that dead flies or ants etc aren't really 'there' anymore.
Has anyone else been in the same parental position?
I don't want to burden her with more information than she needs but I want to be honest. Do I prepare the ground now or let her carry on in happy ignorance?
I'm a bit uncertain on this one.
My father-in-law is very poorly and is unlikely to be around too much longer.
I've a 3 (nearly 4) year old daughter who will want to know where her grandad is after his death and will pick up on the unhappiness which ensues, particularly her Mum's and Nan's.
I suspect it will fall to me to break the news & explain.
I'm not really sure about my daughter's concept of death, -perhaps this is something I need to explore. She understands that dead flies or ants etc aren't really 'there' anymore.
Has anyone else been in the same parental position?
I don't want to burden her with more information than she needs but I want to be honest. Do I prepare the ground now or let her carry on in happy ignorance?
I'm a bit uncertain on this one.
Low key honesty is best.
Something like, Grandad has been very ill, and after a long and happy life he has died. Its nothing to worry about, its a natural process for every single person. We are sad that he has gone and we will miss him.
Then I would ask some questions to see if she understands
Personally I have avoided saying things like, gone to heaven, is looking down at us etc etc
It does have a big impact, and you get odd questions, just be honest without being brutal
A friend of mine is going through this at the moment. The best possible way (if there is one) is to try and explain in the simplest terms for example -
He has gone to a better place and that he will always be looking down on her and smiling at all the things she does.
The reason that everyone is crying is because they are sad but they now that he is better now he is in heaven!!
A bit basic I know! But I hope it helps
He has gone to a better place and that he will always be looking down on her and smiling at all the things she does.
The reason that everyone is crying is because they are sad but they now that he is better now he is in heaven!!
A bit basic I know! But I hope it helps
Edited by Melman Giraffe on Wednesday 17th June 14:08
Gargamel said:
Low key honesty is best.
Something like, Grandad has been very ill, and after a long and happy life he has died. Its nothing to worry about, its a natural process for every single person. We are sad that he has gone and we will miss him.
Then I would ask some questions to see if she understands
Personally I have avoided saying things like, gone to heaven, is looking down at us etc etc
It does have a big impact, and you get odd questions, just be honest without being brutal
Good advice this......Something like, Grandad has been very ill, and after a long and happy life he has died. Its nothing to worry about, its a natural process for every single person. We are sad that he has gone and we will miss him.
Then I would ask some questions to see if she understands
Personally I have avoided saying things like, gone to heaven, is looking down at us etc etc
It does have a big impact, and you get odd questions, just be honest without being brutal
"Gone to sleep, and won't be waking up?"
Er, no! Taken the wrong way this causes bigger problems - insommnia, distrust, confusion, all of which take longer to fix: sleep is sleep, death is death, suggest you don't mix the two up.
For the OP, there's a really good book written for children, which we used when my ma-in-law died. http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/college/faculties/childan... - there's a few to choose from here.
Er, no! Taken the wrong way this causes bigger problems - insommnia, distrust, confusion, all of which take longer to fix: sleep is sleep, death is death, suggest you don't mix the two up.
For the OP, there's a really good book written for children, which we used when my ma-in-law died. http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/college/faculties/childan... - there's a few to choose from here.
When our nieces nan died it really helped them when we (all of us together) planted a rose bush for her - they have something to remember her by.
Just be honest & prepared to answer lots of questions.
Why did she die? - bodies wear out when they get old and eventually stop working.
Good luck, but don't get to worried about it - as a previous post suggest kids sometimes cope with these things better than we do!
TT
Just be honest & prepared to answer lots of questions.
Why did she die? - bodies wear out when they get old and eventually stop working.
Good luck, but don't get to worried about it - as a previous post suggest kids sometimes cope with these things better than we do!
TT
The Child Bereavement Charity recommends
This book is quite to the point, but that's no bad thing IMHO, and gives children an idea of what to expect
A more vague book is
which is a nice book that leaves a bit more to the imagination meaning that you can tailor what you say to the child.
This book is quite to the point, but that's no bad thing IMHO, and gives children an idea of what to expect
A more vague book is
which is a nice book that leaves a bit more to the imagination meaning that you can tailor what you say to the child.Kids cope in their own way - you stressing over it is more likely to be picked up by the child than your worries about the child..
As has been said before, be prepared for lots of questions and also be mindful of changes in behaviour than can sometimes highlight associations that the child has made that you might need to explain. For example hospitals = death.
Try not to stress yourself over the explaining bit, there really is no "ideal" thing to say, so don't worry too much about that aspect.
As has been said before, be prepared for lots of questions and also be mindful of changes in behaviour than can sometimes highlight associations that the child has made that you might need to explain. For example hospitals = death.
Try not to stress yourself over the explaining bit, there really is no "ideal" thing to say, so don't worry too much about that aspect.
In order to prepare her you could read 'The Dragonfly door' together.
Try and be honest and open with her, death is an integral part of life and dealing with grief is different for everyone, understanding that there is no right/wrong way to grieve is a valuable lesson.
As a young child I was excluded from two of my grandparents funeral, no idea why, I guess my parents thought it was the right thing to do, but I clearly remember being very sad and angry that I hadn't been given the opportunity to go.
Both of my daughters have attended funerals and whilst sad for them they have found it helped them deal with their loss.
Try and be honest and open with her, death is an integral part of life and dealing with grief is different for everyone, understanding that there is no right/wrong way to grieve is a valuable lesson.
As a young child I was excluded from two of my grandparents funeral, no idea why, I guess my parents thought it was the right thing to do, but I clearly remember being very sad and angry that I hadn't been given the opportunity to go.
Both of my daughters have attended funerals and whilst sad for them they have found it helped them deal with their loss.
My youngest sister was 4 when our Mum's Dad died. She knew he was ill because she'd gone on hospital visits, so my parents told her that he was now a place where he wasn't in pain, and was now with our Grandmother, who died before she was born.
Definitely do not use "gone to sleep and won't wake up" because children WILL take that the wrong way.
Even if you don't believe in heaven there's no need to tell her you don't think it exists, sometimes a beautiful lie is better than a really harsh truth. Plus, just because you don't believe in it doesn't mean her Nan or Mum don't.
As for the funeral, neither of my sisters went to it, Mum sent them to a friend's house so what they mostly remember about that day is that they went to Pizza Hut for their tea. My Mum thought that them seeing a coffin and a big hole in the ground plus a large number of crying people would be more upsetting than them not going at all.
Definitely do not use "gone to sleep and won't wake up" because children WILL take that the wrong way.
Even if you don't believe in heaven there's no need to tell her you don't think it exists, sometimes a beautiful lie is better than a really harsh truth. Plus, just because you don't believe in it doesn't mean her Nan or Mum don't.
As for the funeral, neither of my sisters went to it, Mum sent them to a friend's house so what they mostly remember about that day is that they went to Pizza Hut for their tea. My Mum thought that them seeing a coffin and a big hole in the ground plus a large number of crying people would be more upsetting than them not going at all.
Our kids are 4 and 6 and this is something we had to face in December and again last month. Last monght we told them nanny had been very ill and that she had died. They were upset for 5 minutes and then got on with their stuff. My daughter still has moments when she is upset but it doesn't seem stressful in any real sense.
We took them to the funeral and again they were fine. If anything they gave strengh to others who really needed it
In December it was very sudden and much more of a shock for us all. Again the kids handled it very well, though it took my son who was 3 at the time a little longer to understand.
Good luck with it and don't be upset by the speed with which they brush it off - it it amazing
We took them to the funeral and again they were fine. If anything they gave strengh to others who really needed it
In December it was very sudden and much more of a shock for us all. Again the kids handled it very well, though it took my son who was 3 at the time a little longer to understand.
Good luck with it and don't be upset by the speed with which they brush it off - it it amazing
Don't expect them to understand.
When my nan died when I was young my parents told me and seemed surprised when I wasn't upset etc. As far as I was concerned she was just a nice enough old lady with a bizarre habit of calling me stupid names and pulling my cheeks. I didn't go to the funeral because I didn't want to not fit in - being around people who were upset when as far as I was concerned she was going to be in a better situation than she had been (her health hadnt been great) and thus it was not something to be sad about.
Actually my views havent changed much
When my nan died when I was young my parents told me and seemed surprised when I wasn't upset etc. As far as I was concerned she was just a nice enough old lady with a bizarre habit of calling me stupid names and pulling my cheeks. I didn't go to the funeral because I didn't want to not fit in - being around people who were upset when as far as I was concerned she was going to be in a better situation than she had been (her health hadnt been great) and thus it was not something to be sad about.
Actually my views havent changed much
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff