Brilliant letter of complaint!
Discussion
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/travelnews/43448...
I have not read anything so funny in a long time!
I have not read anything so funny in a long time!
Marks and Spencer Customer Services
Waterside House
35 North Warf Road
London W2 1NW
Dear Sirs
Re: Suits, free second pair of trousers, and a badly timed purchase.
Firstly, let me state, I am an avid fan of your products, I cannot recall a time when I have not been wearing your underwear, that is, I mean your company’s. Well, there was a time, some 26 years ago, on my honeymoon, but I digress.
I’m a single parent, long story, and for the last 7 years, you have practically clad my 14 year old son from neck to socks in school wear, sorry but he doesn’t rate your shoes, his have to display a ‘kickers’ tab. My daughter, now a mature 19, swears by your lingerie, along with a string of ambitious boyfriends who seem to appreciate her choice, from the odd, overheard compliment I’ve heard, don’t worry, I’ve got my eye on these aspiring lingerie fetishists….
My girlfriend, well, apart from being a confirmed shop-a-hollic, cannot buy just one top, no, she has to have every shade, often it seems, in every style you have, again, a confirmed fan of your lingerie, as indeed, in this case, am I.
My dilemma, and the reason for writing, I bought myself a new suite, from your store at Brooklands, Surrey. As a point of note, special praise to ‘Susie’ she was professional, with an eye for detail and style, patient and very helpful. The suit, shirt and tie look fabulous, thank you.
This brings me, finally, to the point of my letter. A couple of days later I was back in your store, more shirts, and was very dismayed to see a promotion, my suite, with a second pair of trousers, free. What is a committed customer to do?
Best wishes.
Waterside House
35 North Warf Road
London W2 1NW
Dear Sirs
Re: Suits, free second pair of trousers, and a badly timed purchase.
Firstly, let me state, I am an avid fan of your products, I cannot recall a time when I have not been wearing your underwear, that is, I mean your company’s. Well, there was a time, some 26 years ago, on my honeymoon, but I digress.
I’m a single parent, long story, and for the last 7 years, you have practically clad my 14 year old son from neck to socks in school wear, sorry but he doesn’t rate your shoes, his have to display a ‘kickers’ tab. My daughter, now a mature 19, swears by your lingerie, along with a string of ambitious boyfriends who seem to appreciate her choice, from the odd, overheard compliment I’ve heard, don’t worry, I’ve got my eye on these aspiring lingerie fetishists….
My girlfriend, well, apart from being a confirmed shop-a-hollic, cannot buy just one top, no, she has to have every shade, often it seems, in every style you have, again, a confirmed fan of your lingerie, as indeed, in this case, am I.
My dilemma, and the reason for writing, I bought myself a new suite, from your store at Brooklands, Surrey. As a point of note, special praise to ‘Susie’ she was professional, with an eye for detail and style, patient and very helpful. The suit, shirt and tie look fabulous, thank you.
This brings me, finally, to the point of my letter. A couple of days later I was back in your store, more shirts, and was very dismayed to see a promotion, my suite, with a second pair of trousers, free. What is a committed customer to do?
Best wishes.
Always thought this one was the best...
COMPLAINT LETTER TO NTL
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled b
k jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were st, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bds you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tts.
John
COMPLAINT LETTER TO NTL
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled b
k jugglers.I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were s
t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bds you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.British Telecom - w
kers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of t
ts.John
dnomyar said:
Marks and Spencer Customer Services
Waterside House
35 North Warf Road
London W2 1NW
Dear Sirs
Re: Suits, free second pair of trousers, and a badly timed purchase.
Firstly, let me state, I am an avid fan of your products, I cannot recall a time when I have not been wearing your underwear, that is, I mean your company’s. Well, there was a time, some 26 years ago, on my honeymoon, but I digress.
I’m a single parent, long story, and for the last 7 years, you have practically clad my 14 year old son from neck to socks in school wear, sorry but he doesn’t rate your shoes, his have to display a ‘kickers’ tab. My daughter, now a mature 19, swears by your lingerie, along with a string of ambitious boyfriends who seem to appreciate her choice, from the odd, overheard compliment I’ve heard, don’t worry, I’ve got my eye on these aspiring lingerie fetishists….
My girlfriend, well, apart from being a confirmed shop-a-hollic, cannot buy just one top, no, she has to have every shade, often it seems, in every style you have, again, a confirmed fan of your lingerie, as indeed, in this case, am I.
My dilemma, and the reason for writing, I bought myself a new suite, from your store at Brooklands, Surrey. As a point of note, special praise to ‘Susie’ she was professional, with an eye for detail and style, patient and very helpful. The suit, shirt and tie look fabulous, thank you.
This brings me, finally, to the point of my letter. A couple of days later I was back in your store, more shirts, and was very dismayed to see a promotion, my suite, with a second pair of trousers, free. What is a committed customer to do?
Best wishes.
Umm, am I being 'fick? Waterside House
35 North Warf Road
London W2 1NW
Dear Sirs
Re: Suits, free second pair of trousers, and a badly timed purchase.
Firstly, let me state, I am an avid fan of your products, I cannot recall a time when I have not been wearing your underwear, that is, I mean your company’s. Well, there was a time, some 26 years ago, on my honeymoon, but I digress.
I’m a single parent, long story, and for the last 7 years, you have practically clad my 14 year old son from neck to socks in school wear, sorry but he doesn’t rate your shoes, his have to display a ‘kickers’ tab. My daughter, now a mature 19, swears by your lingerie, along with a string of ambitious boyfriends who seem to appreciate her choice, from the odd, overheard compliment I’ve heard, don’t worry, I’ve got my eye on these aspiring lingerie fetishists….
My girlfriend, well, apart from being a confirmed shop-a-hollic, cannot buy just one top, no, she has to have every shade, often it seems, in every style you have, again, a confirmed fan of your lingerie, as indeed, in this case, am I.
My dilemma, and the reason for writing, I bought myself a new suite, from your store at Brooklands, Surrey. As a point of note, special praise to ‘Susie’ she was professional, with an eye for detail and style, patient and very helpful. The suit, shirt and tie look fabulous, thank you.
This brings me, finally, to the point of my letter. A couple of days later I was back in your store, more shirts, and was very dismayed to see a promotion, my suite, with a second pair of trousers, free. What is a committed customer to do?
Best wishes.
asbo said:
dnomyar said:
Marks and Spencer Customer Services
Waterside House
35 North Warf Road
London W2 1NW
Dear Sirs
Re: Suits, free second pair of trousers, and a badly timed purchase.
Firstly, let me state, I am an avid fan of your products, I cannot recall a time when I have not been wearing your underwear, that is, I mean your company’s. Well, there was a time, some 26 years ago, on my honeymoon, but I digress.
I’m a single parent, long story, and for the last 7 years, you have practically clad my 14 year old son from neck to socks in school wear, sorry but he doesn’t rate your shoes, his have to display a ‘kickers’ tab. My daughter, now a mature 19, swears by your lingerie, along with a string of ambitious boyfriends who seem to appreciate her choice, from the odd, overheard compliment I’ve heard, don’t worry, I’ve got my eye on these aspiring lingerie fetishists….
My girlfriend, well, apart from being a confirmed shop-a-hollic, cannot buy just one top, no, she has to have every shade, often it seems, in every style you have, again, a confirmed fan of your lingerie, as indeed, in this case, am I.
My dilemma, and the reason for writing, I bought myself a new suite, from your store at Brooklands, Surrey. As a point of note, special praise to ‘Susie’ she was professional, with an eye for detail and style, patient and very helpful. The suit, shirt and tie look fabulous, thank you.
This brings me, finally, to the point of my letter. A couple of days later I was back in your store, more shirts, and was very dismayed to see a promotion, my suite, with a second pair of trousers, free. What is a committed customer to do?
Best wishes.
Umm, am I being 'fick? Waterside House
35 North Warf Road
London W2 1NW
Dear Sirs
Re: Suits, free second pair of trousers, and a badly timed purchase.
Firstly, let me state, I am an avid fan of your products, I cannot recall a time when I have not been wearing your underwear, that is, I mean your company’s. Well, there was a time, some 26 years ago, on my honeymoon, but I digress.
I’m a single parent, long story, and for the last 7 years, you have practically clad my 14 year old son from neck to socks in school wear, sorry but he doesn’t rate your shoes, his have to display a ‘kickers’ tab. My daughter, now a mature 19, swears by your lingerie, along with a string of ambitious boyfriends who seem to appreciate her choice, from the odd, overheard compliment I’ve heard, don’t worry, I’ve got my eye on these aspiring lingerie fetishists….
My girlfriend, well, apart from being a confirmed shop-a-hollic, cannot buy just one top, no, she has to have every shade, often it seems, in every style you have, again, a confirmed fan of your lingerie, as indeed, in this case, am I.
My dilemma, and the reason for writing, I bought myself a new suite, from your store at Brooklands, Surrey. As a point of note, special praise to ‘Susie’ she was professional, with an eye for detail and style, patient and very helpful. The suit, shirt and tie look fabulous, thank you.
This brings me, finally, to the point of my letter. A couple of days later I was back in your store, more shirts, and was very dismayed to see a promotion, my suite, with a second pair of trousers, free. What is a committed customer to do?
Best wishes.
MrV said:
asbo said:
dnomyar said:
Marks and Spencer Customer Services
Waterside House
35 North Warf Road
London W2 1NW
Dear Sirs
Re: Suits, free second pair of trousers, and a badly timed purchase.
Firstly, let me state, I am an avid fan of your products, I cannot recall a time when I have not been wearing your underwear, that is, I mean your company’s. Well, there was a time, some 26 years ago, on my honeymoon, but I digress.
I’m a single parent, long story, and for the last 7 years, you have practically clad my 14 year old son from neck to socks in school wear, sorry but he doesn’t rate your shoes, his have to display a ‘kickers’ tab. My daughter, now a mature 19, swears by your lingerie, along with a string of ambitious boyfriends who seem to appreciate her choice, from the odd, overheard compliment I’ve heard, don’t worry, I’ve got my eye on these aspiring lingerie fetishists….
My girlfriend, well, apart from being a confirmed shop-a-hollic, cannot buy just one top, no, she has to have every shade, often it seems, in every style you have, again, a confirmed fan of your lingerie, as indeed, in this case, am I.
My dilemma, and the reason for writing, I bought myself a new suite, from your store at Brooklands, Surrey. As a point of note, special praise to ‘Susie’ she was professional, with an eye for detail and style, patient and very helpful. The suit, shirt and tie look fabulous, thank you.
This brings me, finally, to the point of my letter. A couple of days later I was back in your store, more shirts, and was very dismayed to see a promotion, my suite, with a second pair of trousers, free. What is a committed customer to do?
Best wishes.
Umm, am I being 'fick? Waterside House
35 North Warf Road
London W2 1NW
Dear Sirs
Re: Suits, free second pair of trousers, and a badly timed purchase.
Firstly, let me state, I am an avid fan of your products, I cannot recall a time when I have not been wearing your underwear, that is, I mean your company’s. Well, there was a time, some 26 years ago, on my honeymoon, but I digress.
I’m a single parent, long story, and for the last 7 years, you have practically clad my 14 year old son from neck to socks in school wear, sorry but he doesn’t rate your shoes, his have to display a ‘kickers’ tab. My daughter, now a mature 19, swears by your lingerie, along with a string of ambitious boyfriends who seem to appreciate her choice, from the odd, overheard compliment I’ve heard, don’t worry, I’ve got my eye on these aspiring lingerie fetishists….
My girlfriend, well, apart from being a confirmed shop-a-hollic, cannot buy just one top, no, she has to have every shade, often it seems, in every style you have, again, a confirmed fan of your lingerie, as indeed, in this case, am I.
My dilemma, and the reason for writing, I bought myself a new suite, from your store at Brooklands, Surrey. As a point of note, special praise to ‘Susie’ she was professional, with an eye for detail and style, patient and very helpful. The suit, shirt and tie look fabulous, thank you.
This brings me, finally, to the point of my letter. A couple of days later I was back in your store, more shirts, and was very dismayed to see a promotion, my suite, with a second pair of trousers, free. What is a committed customer to do?
Best wishes.
monthefish said:
MrV said:
asbo said:
dnomyar said:
What is a committed customer to do?
Umm, am I being 'fick? 
Anyway, just do what everyone else would - take the suit back and buy another. You might even be able to buy the first suit again at a discount (did that with a coat many years ago - bought it back at half price!).
asbo said:
dnomyar said:
Marks and Spencer Customer Services
Waterside House
35 North Warf Road
London W2 1NW
Dear Sirs
Re: Suits, free second pair of trousers, and a badly timed purchase.
Firstly, let me state, I am an avid fan of your products, I cannot recall a time when I have not been wearing your underwear, that is, I mean your company’s. Well, there was a time, some 26 years ago, on my honeymoon, but I digress.
I’m a single parent, long story, and for the last 7 years, you have practically clad my 14 year old son from neck to socks in school wear, sorry but he doesn’t rate your shoes, his have to display a ‘kickers’ tab. My daughter, now a mature 19, swears by your lingerie, along with a string of ambitious boyfriends who seem to appreciate her choice, from the odd, overheard compliment I’ve heard, don’t worry, I’ve got my eye on these aspiring lingerie fetishists….
My girlfriend, well, apart from being a confirmed shop-a-hollic, cannot buy just one top, no, she has to have every shade, often it seems, in every style you have, again, a confirmed fan of your lingerie, as indeed, in this case, am I.
My dilemma, and the reason for writing, I bought myself a new suite, from your store at Brooklands, Surrey. As a point of note, special praise to ‘Susie’ she was professional, with an eye for detail and style, patient and very helpful. The suit, shirt and tie look fabulous, thank you.
This brings me, finally, to the point of my letter. A couple of days later I was back in your store, more shirts, and was very dismayed to see a promotion, my suite, with a second pair of trousers, free. What is a committed customer to do?
Best wishes.
Umm, am I being 'fick? Waterside House
35 North Warf Road
London W2 1NW
Dear Sirs
Re: Suits, free second pair of trousers, and a badly timed purchase.
Firstly, let me state, I am an avid fan of your products, I cannot recall a time when I have not been wearing your underwear, that is, I mean your company’s. Well, there was a time, some 26 years ago, on my honeymoon, but I digress.
I’m a single parent, long story, and for the last 7 years, you have practically clad my 14 year old son from neck to socks in school wear, sorry but he doesn’t rate your shoes, his have to display a ‘kickers’ tab. My daughter, now a mature 19, swears by your lingerie, along with a string of ambitious boyfriends who seem to appreciate her choice, from the odd, overheard compliment I’ve heard, don’t worry, I’ve got my eye on these aspiring lingerie fetishists….
My girlfriend, well, apart from being a confirmed shop-a-hollic, cannot buy just one top, no, she has to have every shade, often it seems, in every style you have, again, a confirmed fan of your lingerie, as indeed, in this case, am I.
My dilemma, and the reason for writing, I bought myself a new suite, from your store at Brooklands, Surrey. As a point of note, special praise to ‘Susie’ she was professional, with an eye for detail and style, patient and very helpful. The suit, shirt and tie look fabulous, thank you.
This brings me, finally, to the point of my letter. A couple of days later I was back in your store, more shirts, and was very dismayed to see a promotion, my suite, with a second pair of trousers, free. What is a committed customer to do?
Best wishes.
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