Bidet distress
Discussion
So I find myself in a hotel bathroom equipped with a bidet. This is an old hotel and the fittings look Victorian. I contemplate the strange object for a while, wondering just what you are supposed to do with it. Eventually I pluck up the courage to have a go: I will use it to clean my arse, the continental way! Three taps: hot, cold and the middle one that directs water upwards or downwards. I experiment with the settings and get the temperature nice and warm. Then, slowly and cautiously I lower myself carefully onboard. Not sure which way round you are meant to sit, but I do so with the taps behind me. I adjust the centre tap - the crucial up / down tap - very cautiously. Warm water caresses my bottom...not that unpleasant. Okaaay. Job done, I move to get up. Not that easy when you are wedged (probably) backwards on a bidet. Suddenly there is a gurgle in the water pipes and the water pressure shoots up, in more ways than one. Not good. I frantically reach behind me for the middle tap to turn it off! turn it off! TURN IT OFF!!! But in my sudden panic I turn off the cold tap. Scalding boiling water is now shooting up my arse. I utter a little scream and dive forward across the marble floor, skidding into the door, the bidet is going off like the f
king Yellowstone Geyser, water is dripping from the ceiling, the light fittings, everywhere. My ringpiece feels like it has had the skin peeled from it.
Friends, fear the bidet; it was not designed for Englishmen.
king Yellowstone Geyser, water is dripping from the ceiling, the light fittings, everywhere. My ringpiece feels like it has had the skin peeled from it.Friends, fear the bidet; it was not designed for Englishmen.
)Thats brilliant, a genuine laugh out loud
ETA: The bit about wondering which way to face is fking epic. The mental image of someone facing a wall, spread-eagled on a bidet, adjusting a tap that sits uncomfortably close to ones gentleman vegetables is bloody hilarious
ETA: The bit about wondering which way to face is f
king epic. The mental image of someone facing a wall, spread-eagled on a bidet, adjusting a tap that sits uncomfortably close to ones gentleman vegetables is bloody hilariousEdited by The Nur on Tuesday 14th July 14:50
Really good read - that made me smile. Well done that man.
Reading the wiki how to use thread - WTF?
Quote "Some people use bidets to bathe babies. This should not be done unless this is the sole use for the bidet; be sure to ask the caregiver if this is the case, as bathing bidets are quite similar to traditional ones."
Quote "Drinking from a bidet is not recommended. The stream can ricochet off a soiled area and become contaminated."
Quote "You can use a bidet to quickly wash your feet." someones having a laugh !
Reading the wiki how to use thread - WTF?
Quote "Some people use bidets to bathe babies. This should not be done unless this is the sole use for the bidet; be sure to ask the caregiver if this is the case, as bathing bidets are quite similar to traditional ones."
Quote "Drinking from a bidet is not recommended. The stream can ricochet off a soiled area and become contaminated."
Quote "You can use a bidet to quickly wash your feet." someones having a laugh !
Dupont666 said:
Website said:
*Drinking from a bidet is not recommended. The stream can ricochet off a soiled area and become contaminated.
You idiot! 
Bidets are for nasty french women to wash the spongle out of their snatches. Not for arse washing. Use some Andrex, or even better Izal Medicated, like a proper Englishman.
I have such an implement in the bathroom of my house. I have NEVER used it. I NEVER will. It's a filthy continental device, designed for filthy continental women.
Bidets are for nasty french women to wash the spongle out of their snatches. Not for arse washing. Use some Andrex, or even better Izal Medicated, like a proper Englishman.I have such an implement in the bathroom of my house. I have NEVER used it. I NEVER will. It's a filthy continental device, designed for filthy continental women.
Edited by Andy Zarse on Wednesday 15th July 00:01
Andy Zarse said:
You idiot! Bidets are for nasty french women to wash the spongle out of their snatches. Not for arse washing. Use some Andrex, or even better Izal Medicated, like a proper Englishman.
I have such an implement in the bathroom of my house. I have NEVER used it. I NEVER will. It's a filthy continental device, designed for filthy continental women.
A personal question, if I may, Mr Zarse. Bidets are for nasty french women to wash the spongle out of their snatches. Not for arse washing. Use some Andrex, or even better Izal Medicated, like a proper Englishman.I have such an implement in the bathroom of my house. I have NEVER used it. I NEVER will. It's a filthy continental device, designed for filthy continental women.
Have you ever got s
t on your hands whilst wiping? Or have you ever picked up a dog turd, even from the safety of a carrier bag?If so...
Did you settle for a wipe of paper across your fingers?
Or did you wash them under the tap?
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