Cheer me up with your daft tales
Discussion
I had a Grifter when I was a kid and the front wheel was knackered. I found another wheel fitted it and off I went. Trouble was the wheel was off a Raleigh shopper and was about half the size of the Grifter.
Fine on a straight line but as soon as I went round a corner the pedals hit the ground and threw me off!
Fine on a straight line but as soon as I went round a corner the pedals hit the ground and threw me off!
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/ and there goes your life for the next week as you read all the threads on there...
Living at my parents I never smoked in doors. Anyhow late one night about two in the morning after watching a fairly gory horror film. Well, I say horror...This being the around the early 90's I doubt it was that bad.
Anyhow, I decided I really, really needed a cigerette (as you do). So out I pop into the back garden and hear this horrible strange half strangled heavy breathing. Things start to play in my mind - You-know Zombies etc.
I *think* its a good idea to have a look over the fence. Expecting nothing to be there (or the living dead)
JESUS f
kING CHRIST I shout as I see a creature leg-it in one direction as I fly heart pounding back indoors.
It was a dog hovering around the gate due to our dog being on heat.
Oh, and the time we used to make go-carts out of scaffolding planks all joined together. Can you imagine trying to maneuver a five plank go-cart across the street?
Anyhow, I decided I really, really needed a cigerette (as you do). So out I pop into the back garden and hear this horrible strange half strangled heavy breathing. Things start to play in my mind - You-know Zombies etc.
I *think* its a good idea to have a look over the fence. Expecting nothing to be there (or the living dead)
JESUS f
kING CHRIST I shout as I see a creature leg-it in one direction as I fly heart pounding back indoors.It was a dog hovering around the gate due to our dog being on heat.
Oh, and the time we used to make go-carts out of scaffolding planks all joined together. Can you imagine trying to maneuver a five plank go-cart across the street?
Edited by Morningside on Wednesday 14th October 22:47
I was making love to my wife on our honeymoon last month, when she said to me,
"North West Tom, I'm sorry, but I slept with Tiger Woods last night."
I replied, "Well, he's good-looking and absolutely loaded. I can understand that". And i proceeded making love. When we'd finished I was fookin starvin, so rang room service, but then my wife said,
"Tiger wouldn't do that. He'd come back and make love to me again." So i went back and we did it again.
When we'd finished, i rang room service again, but she said, "Tiger wouldn't do that. He'd come back and make love to me a third time".
I was knackered at this point, but couldn't say no, so we did it again. When we'd finished, i picked up the phone. My wife said to me, "Are you phoning room service?"
I said, "No, i'm ringing Tiger Woods to see what par is on this hole!"
"North West Tom, I'm sorry, but I slept with Tiger Woods last night."
I replied, "Well, he's good-looking and absolutely loaded. I can understand that". And i proceeded making love. When we'd finished I was fookin starvin, so rang room service, but then my wife said,
"Tiger wouldn't do that. He'd come back and make love to me again." So i went back and we did it again.
When we'd finished, i rang room service again, but she said, "Tiger wouldn't do that. He'd come back and make love to me a third time".
I was knackered at this point, but couldn't say no, so we did it again. When we'd finished, i picked up the phone. My wife said to me, "Are you phoning room service?"
I said, "No, i'm ringing Tiger Woods to see what par is on this hole!"
GTIR said:
I had a Grifter when I was a kid and the front wheel was knackered. I found another wheel fitted it and off I went. Trouble was the wheel was off a Raleigh shopper and was about half the size of the Grifter.
Fine on a straight line but as soon as I went round a corner the pedals hit the ground and threw me off!
Fine on a straight line but as soon as I went round a corner the pedals hit the ground and threw me off!
Arrr those sudden moments of 'rapid discovery' linked with 'sudden pain' - happy days.
On a similar note, I learnt the 'don't ride your bike with untied shoe laces' lesson the hard way:
Riding my Raleigh Burner at high speed across a large, concrete play area... first my right laces got caught in the chain, moments later the left laces wrapped around the peddles. A few seconds later it dawned on me all I could was keep rolling until enviably gravity would take over from speed and I would topple over
A horrible fate.I once woke up in the middle of the night (drunk, admittedly) and decided I needed to go for a slash. Unfortunately I didn't realise that I'd been sleeping awkwardly on my leg, which had gone completely numb. So I swing both legs out of bed and stand up, only to go down like a fking meteor, face first into the cupboard door and nearly breaking all of my fingers as I tried to stay the fall.
The girlfriend at the time found it highly amusing, bh. I stopped off at the fridge for more beer on the way, obviously.
king meteor, face first into the cupboard door and nearly breaking all of my fingers as I tried to stay the fall.The girlfriend at the time found it highly amusing, b
h. I stopped off at the fridge for more beer on the way, obviously.When I was about 13 or 14 I remember getting my dog eared copy of razzle out from under my bed and making my way into the bathroom, then I produced two water balloons out of my pocket and filled them with warm water too about a double d cup size and applied lots of hand cream all over them. Unfortunately as I approached the vinegars one of them could no longer withstand the furious thrusting strokes and failed at the vital moment.
Next thing my mums coming up the stairs shouting "what the bloody hell are you doing, waters coming through the kitchen light fitting" so there I am, no pants on with water and hand cream everywhere and a soggy copy of razzle on the end of the bath and not to mention a throbbing tallywacker. Never in my life have I been filled with so much dread and fear as I was that day when my mum was trying to get in that bathroom.
Needless to say the next time I did it was in the saftey of the bath tub.
Next thing my mums coming up the stairs shouting "what the bloody hell are you doing, waters coming through the kitchen light fitting" so there I am, no pants on with water and hand cream everywhere and a soggy copy of razzle on the end of the bath and not to mention a throbbing tallywacker. Never in my life have I been filled with so much dread and fear as I was that day when my mum was trying to get in that bathroom.
Needless to say the next time I did it was in the saftey of the bath tub.
PaulHogan said:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/ and there goes your life for the next week as you read all the threads on there...
read 'Sin at the cinema'!jeebus said:
When I was about 13 or 14 I remember getting my dog eared copy of razzle out from under my bed and making my way into the bathroom, then I produced two water balloons out of my pocket and filled them with warm water too about a double d cup size and applied lots of hand cream all over them. Unfortunately as I approached the vinegars one of them could no longer withstand the furious thrusting strokes and failed at the vital moment.
Next thing my mums coming up the stairs shouting "what the bloody hell are you doing, waters coming through the kitchen light fitting" so there I am, no pants on with water and hand cream everywhere and a soggy copy of razzle on the end of the bath and not to mention a throbbing tallywacker. Never in my life have I been filled with so much dread and fear as I was that day when my mum was trying to get in that bathroom.
Needless to say the next time I did it was in the saftey of the bath tub.
Wow. Just wow. You were one very strange kid, if you don't mind me saying. A very elaborate way to have wNext thing my mums coming up the stairs shouting "what the bloody hell are you doing, waters coming through the kitchen light fitting" so there I am, no pants on with water and hand cream everywhere and a soggy copy of razzle on the end of the bath and not to mention a throbbing tallywacker. Never in my life have I been filled with so much dread and fear as I was that day when my mum was trying to get in that bathroom.
Needless to say the next time I did it was in the saftey of the bath tub.
k, I must say. fido said:
PaulHogan said:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/ and there goes your life for the next week as you read all the threads on there...
read 'Sin at the cinema'!jeebus said:
When I was about 13 or 14 I remember getting my dog eared copy of razzle out from under my bed and making my way into the bathroom, then I produced two water balloons out of my pocket and filled them with warm water too about a double d cup size and applied lots of hand cream all over them. Unfortunately as I approached the vinegars one of them could no longer withstand the furious thrusting strokes and failed at the vital moment.
Next thing my mums coming up the stairs shouting "what the bloody hell are you doing, waters coming through the kitchen light fitting" so there I am, no pants on with water and hand cream everywhere and a soggy copy of razzle on the end of the bath and not to mention a throbbing tallywacker. Never in my life have I been filled with so much dread and fear as I was that day when my mum was trying to get in that bathroom.
Needless to say the next time I did it was in the saftey of the bath tub.
Without being if that was me, that would be going to the graveNext thing my mums coming up the stairs shouting "what the bloody hell are you doing, waters coming through the kitchen light fitting" so there I am, no pants on with water and hand cream everywhere and a soggy copy of razzle on the end of the bath and not to mention a throbbing tallywacker. Never in my life have I been filled with so much dread and fear as I was that day when my mum was trying to get in that bathroom.
Needless to say the next time I did it was in the saftey of the bath tub.
Totally torn between this thread and the other thread that is about what gets you angry one, settled on this one on the basis I can cut and paste and cover both 
My wife really pisses me off and amongst so many reasons that I cannot be bothered to document here is the latest reason.
My wife believes she is a better driver than me. Yep! Now I can handle this cos maybe she is, who am I to judge - disclaimer*
Examples of my wife (herein known as Jules) perfect driving:
So we approach a major roundabout, the roundabout approach has two lanes. We are taking the 3rd exit so I am in the right hand lane.
Jules - Why are you in this lane?
Me - We are turning right at the roundabout, so I am in the right (on so many levels!)
Jules - it would be quicker if you were in the left hand lane!
Me - Wha? Why?
Jules - Because the majority of drivers turning right, go in the left hand lane to get around quicker!
Me - That's ridiculous, we are in the right lane, I am sticking here.
Jules - grumble, wker, grumble, moan
Me - *pulls out onto the roundabout, car in front (in the right hand lane) decides to take the first exit onto the left and rams right into the side of a car in the left hand lane who is turning right across the roundabout, both cars block my path, I brake to a halt, but now have no where to go...
Jules - told you the left hand lane was quicker...!
My wife really pisses me off and amongst so many reasons that I cannot be bothered to document here is the latest reason.
My wife believes she is a better driver than me. Yep! Now I can handle this cos maybe she is, who am I to judge - disclaimer*
- no way is she better than me but I will tolerate her attempts at "driving" especially if she is picking me up from the train station, work, venue, friends, Amsterdam.
Examples of my wife (herein known as Jules) perfect driving:
So we approach a major roundabout, the roundabout approach has two lanes. We are taking the 3rd exit so I am in the right hand lane.
Jules - Why are you in this lane?
Me - We are turning right at the roundabout, so I am in the right (on so many levels!)
Jules - it would be quicker if you were in the left hand lane!
Me - Wha? Why?
Jules - Because the majority of drivers turning right, go in the left hand lane to get around quicker!
Me - That's ridiculous, we are in the right lane, I am sticking here.
Jules - grumble, w
ker, grumble, moanMe - *pulls out onto the roundabout, car in front (in the right hand lane) decides to take the first exit onto the left and rams right into the side of a car in the left hand lane who is turning right across the roundabout, both cars block my path, I brake to a halt, but now have no where to go...
Jules - told you the left hand lane was quicker...!
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