In the doghouse tonight...
Discussion
Edit: SUMMARY
I am currently struggling with balancing that innate need to be "master of my own life" with a family that is currently extremely dependant on me. Does anybody have any experiences or suggestions?
Original post is below.
Tonight I am in trouble with the better half... no, I'm afraid it's not anything scandalous like infidelity, just domestic problems.
To give you some background I'm currently taking a University course as a mature student in the daytime. We have a 1 year old son and a second on the way in January, then our wedding in May.
I (foolishly?
) confessed to peeking at her wedding dress the other day. She's been keeping it a big secret for ages - well, obviously - and I'm rubbish at secrets and surprises. No excuse, obviously, but still. I was curious and unzipped the bodybag style dress carrier about an inch before I stopped myself - but apparently this has ruined the dress and it's not special anymore. I couldn't tell you any more about it than I already knew (that it's white, and possibly has shiny or sparkly bits on it ) but this has apparently been a major breach of trust. When I was about to "commit the act" I knew she might be a bit upset if she found out, however I (again, foolishly?) thought it would be a "Oh thanks, ya' b
d" with a cheeky slap on the cheek type scenario - similar to how I would react if she peeked at her Christmas presents, for example.
In retrospect I realise I was a bit of a pillock, and so am officially sorry - but underneath, I'm really struggling with that stubborn alpha male part of the brain.
You see, I've been feeling troubled a lot lately by this archaic part of the brain. As Future Mrs. K is heavily pregnant, she's having a great deal of trouble moving about, which is a problem with a toddler to look after alone. She can't really walk past the end of the drive, let alone into town, and can't yet drive, either. So essentially she is stuck at home unless I take her somewhere. In summary, what this means is that I'm starting to feel quite constricted - I basically have to leave University as soon as possible and come straight home to relieve her of childminding duties. Equally, I can't really leave the house unless it is for a pre-arranged essential task (ie University), or I take our son with me. Cooking and cleaning etc is all done by me as she can't be on her feet long enough to do anything - and on the times when she insists I let her do it, I feel incredibly guilty as she's bent double clearly in great pain for the entire duration.
Hormones are also making her moods very unpredictable - some of the time things are fine, but about 70% of the time she is in a foul mood and nothing can cheer her up. I turn the other cheek and continue with what needs to be done in the day, and try my best to lighten her up a bit, but without much success - which all in all means she is quite hard work to be around these days. Now, all of these things I don't blame her for - having a second child was a decision we didn't make lightly, and I know all of these things are side effects of the pregnancy, so I'm happy to work around them, and help wherever I can; knowing that after James is born things will be back to normal. An average day will have me waking up with Josh and entertaining him in the morning before University so that Mrs K can have some extra sleep, then leaving for Uni as late as possible and returning as quickly as physically possible to minimise the amount of time she's looking after him on her own. At home I'm on entertainment duty the rest of the day, apart from when he has a nap, which is the first chunk of "free time" in the day. Then comes lunch and dinner (which I cook and wash up) and then bedtime story (which I read). Then generally we watch a little TV and then bed, to which I bring the laptop so as to be able to catch up on news and forums while Mrs gets an early night. The evenings in bed are one of the times I feel least restricted - knowing that, should I so desire, I could immediately turn it off and go to sleep, or alternatively could stay awake all night and read whatever I want to; or anything in between.
In reality, if I didn't have to worry about her well-being, there would probably be very little change in day to day routine compared to how we do things now. But the problem is that little stubborn part of the subconscious that says "Hang on a minute, I'm not doing this because I WANT to, I'm doing it because someone else is MAKING me!". It's ignorable, but one of those things that steadily builds up over time like a dripping tap. I'd probably still come straight home after Uni every day just like I do now; and I'd probably still take Josh with me in his buggy if I needed to pop to the post office. But the point is that the decision is forced upon you, it's not something you've decided - and it can get very stressful.
This evening's wedding dress debaucle seemed to be a real stumbling block for me. Though we made our apologies and explained our situations and resolved to move on, apparently that stubborn part of me just can't let go. It's saying; "Hold on a second. Why am I having to make an elaborate and grovelling apology to save our relationship, for an act that I didn't think was anywhere near as wrong as she does? Why should I have to?"
This part of the brain extends to many other scenarios too, and has made me think of all the things that I'm limited or restricted in due to my family responsibilities. Watching Top Gear last night made me mention absent-mindedly that I'd absolutely love to go on a weekend road trip with my best friends for my stag "night", which was met with a frosty reception, I believe possibly because Mrs K was only planning a one-night hen do.
Mainly it's just a struggle of trying to balance that male need to be "master of your own life" with real-world responsibilities. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't sacrifice my relationship with my future wife and the family we've built together for anything - but at the moment it's feeling particularly difficult, with the very little time to myself/ability to do what I want, when I want; and the lack of enthusiasm/affection a large percent of the time from Mrs K (which is reconcilable with the knowledge that she's currently pumped full of pregnancy hormones, at least to the logical side of my brain).
That was somewhat of a long ramble. Anybody else in the doghouse tonight?
I am currently struggling with balancing that innate need to be "master of my own life" with a family that is currently extremely dependant on me. Does anybody have any experiences or suggestions?
Original post is below.
Tonight I am in trouble with the better half... no, I'm afraid it's not anything scandalous like infidelity, just domestic problems.
To give you some background I'm currently taking a University course as a mature student in the daytime. We have a 1 year old son and a second on the way in January, then our wedding in May.
I (foolishly?
) confessed to peeking at her wedding dress the other day. She's been keeping it a big secret for ages - well, obviously - and I'm rubbish at secrets and surprises. No excuse, obviously, but still. I was curious and unzipped the bodybag style dress carrier about an inch before I stopped myself - but apparently this has ruined the dress and it's not special anymore. I couldn't tell you any more about it than I already knew (that it's white, and possibly has shiny or sparkly bits on it ) but this has apparently been a major breach of trust. When I was about to "commit the act" I knew she might be a bit upset if she found out, however I (again, foolishly?) thought it would be a "Oh thanks, ya' bd" with a cheeky slap on the cheek type scenario - similar to how I would react if she peeked at her Christmas presents, for example.In retrospect I realise I was a bit of a pillock, and so am officially sorry - but underneath, I'm really struggling with that stubborn alpha male part of the brain.
You see, I've been feeling troubled a lot lately by this archaic part of the brain. As Future Mrs. K is heavily pregnant, she's having a great deal of trouble moving about, which is a problem with a toddler to look after alone. She can't really walk past the end of the drive, let alone into town, and can't yet drive, either. So essentially she is stuck at home unless I take her somewhere. In summary, what this means is that I'm starting to feel quite constricted - I basically have to leave University as soon as possible and come straight home to relieve her of childminding duties. Equally, I can't really leave the house unless it is for a pre-arranged essential task (ie University), or I take our son with me. Cooking and cleaning etc is all done by me as she can't be on her feet long enough to do anything - and on the times when she insists I let her do it, I feel incredibly guilty as she's bent double clearly in great pain for the entire duration.
Hormones are also making her moods very unpredictable - some of the time things are fine, but about 70% of the time she is in a foul mood and nothing can cheer her up. I turn the other cheek and continue with what needs to be done in the day, and try my best to lighten her up a bit, but without much success - which all in all means she is quite hard work to be around these days. Now, all of these things I don't blame her for - having a second child was a decision we didn't make lightly, and I know all of these things are side effects of the pregnancy, so I'm happy to work around them, and help wherever I can; knowing that after James is born things will be back to normal. An average day will have me waking up with Josh and entertaining him in the morning before University so that Mrs K can have some extra sleep, then leaving for Uni as late as possible and returning as quickly as physically possible to minimise the amount of time she's looking after him on her own. At home I'm on entertainment duty the rest of the day, apart from when he has a nap, which is the first chunk of "free time" in the day. Then comes lunch and dinner (which I cook and wash up) and then bedtime story (which I read). Then generally we watch a little TV and then bed, to which I bring the laptop so as to be able to catch up on news and forums while Mrs gets an early night. The evenings in bed are one of the times I feel least restricted - knowing that, should I so desire, I could immediately turn it off and go to sleep, or alternatively could stay awake all night and read whatever I want to; or anything in between.
In reality, if I didn't have to worry about her well-being, there would probably be very little change in day to day routine compared to how we do things now. But the problem is that little stubborn part of the subconscious that says "Hang on a minute, I'm not doing this because I WANT to, I'm doing it because someone else is MAKING me!". It's ignorable, but one of those things that steadily builds up over time like a dripping tap. I'd probably still come straight home after Uni every day just like I do now; and I'd probably still take Josh with me in his buggy if I needed to pop to the post office. But the point is that the decision is forced upon you, it's not something you've decided - and it can get very stressful.
This evening's wedding dress debaucle seemed to be a real stumbling block for me. Though we made our apologies and explained our situations and resolved to move on, apparently that stubborn part of me just can't let go. It's saying; "Hold on a second. Why am I having to make an elaborate and grovelling apology to save our relationship, for an act that I didn't think was anywhere near as wrong as she does? Why should I have to?"
This part of the brain extends to many other scenarios too, and has made me think of all the things that I'm limited or restricted in due to my family responsibilities. Watching Top Gear last night made me mention absent-mindedly that I'd absolutely love to go on a weekend road trip with my best friends for my stag "night", which was met with a frosty reception, I believe possibly because Mrs K was only planning a one-night hen do.
Mainly it's just a struggle of trying to balance that male need to be "master of your own life" with real-world responsibilities. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't sacrifice my relationship with my future wife and the family we've built together for anything - but at the moment it's feeling particularly difficult, with the very little time to myself/ability to do what I want, when I want; and the lack of enthusiasm/affection a large percent of the time from Mrs K (which is reconcilable with the knowledge that she's currently pumped full of pregnancy hormones, at least to the logical side of my brain).
That was somewhat of a long ramble. Anybody else in the doghouse tonight?
Edited by OwenK on Monday 16th November 23:41
SUMMARY: I am currently struggling with balancing that innate need to be "master of my own life" with a family that is currently extremely dependant on me. Does anybody have any experiences or suggestions?
edit: quite like the post above too
edit: quite like the post above too
Edited by OwenK on Monday 16th November 23:42
MG-FIDO said:
Any chance of someone summarising that for me? 
He got her up the duff, she is about to drop, he peeked at the wedding dress, as she is currently running at approximately triple THE MENTAL she got pissed about it, he had to apologise for a quiet life, he is now grumpy and resentful...blah blah blah...Man up, grit your teeth, get through it. You agreed to this situation so get on with it. A year or twos time when you have two kids making you laugh as they play with the cardboard box their (discarded) Christmas present was in, you won't remember this.
HTH
Trace
Los Palmas 7 said:
MG-FIDO said:
Any chance of someone summarising that for me?
Bloke who's still at school sneaks a peek at his missus' wedding dress. She, being heavily mental, goes ape st. He is now questioning his own existence.That do you?
So we have a guy who has commitment fears or at least mourns the loss of his bachelor ways and a woman suffering from a case of the mental. Whatever next!
Its part of being a grown up. It sucks at times, but that's life.
The Mrs is full of hormones and pre-wedding stress.
This is the Mental x 10.
Learn to pick your fights, one's that you need to win and have a hope in hell of walking away from. At present the weekend away stag do will appeal to you, for the same reason she won't want you to be away. Abdication of responsabilities, when shhe really wants you about.
Good luck!
The Mrs is full of hormones and pre-wedding stress.
This is the Mental x 10.
Learn to pick your fights, one's that you need to win and have a hope in hell of walking away from. At present the weekend away stag do will appeal to you, for the same reason she won't want you to be away. Abdication of responsabilities, when shhe really wants you about.
Good luck!
OwenK said:
Tonight I am in trouble with the better half... no, I'm afraid it's not anything scandalous like infidelity, just domestic problems.
To give you some background I'm currently taking a University course as a mature student in the daytime. We have a 1 year old son and a second on the way in January, then our wedding in May.
I (foolishly? ) confessed to peeking at her wedding dress the other day. She's been keeping it a big secret for ages - well, obviously - and I'm rubbish at secrets and surprises. No excuse, obviously, but still. I was curious and unzipped the bodybag style dress carrier about an inch before I stopped myself - but apparently this has ruined the dress and it's not special anymore. I couldn't tell you any more about it than I already knew (that it's white, and possibly has shiny or sparkly bits on it ) but this has apparently been a major breach of trust. When I was about to "commit the act" I knew she might be a bit upset if she found out, however I (again, foolishly?) thought it would be a "Oh thanks, ya' bd" with a cheeky slap on the cheek type scenario - similar to how I would react if she peeked at her Christmas presents, for example.
In retrospect I realise I was a bit of a pillock, and so am officially sorry - but underneath, I'm really struggling with that stubborn alpha male part of the brain.
You see, I've been feeling troubled a lot lately by this archaic part of the brain. As Future Mrs. K is heavily pregnant, she's having a great deal of trouble moving about, which is a problem with a toddler to look after alone. She can't really walk past the end of the drive, let alone into town, and can't yet drive, either. So essentially she is stuck at home unless I take her somewhere. In summary, what this means is that I'm starting to feel quite constricted - I basically have to leave University as soon as possible and come straight home to relieve her of childminding duties. Equally, I can't really leave the house unless it is for a pre-arranged essential task (ie University), or I take our son with me. Cooking and cleaning etc is all done by me as she can't be on her feet long enough to do anything - and on the times when she insists I let her do it, I feel incredibly guilty as she's bent double clearly in great pain for the entire duration.
Hormones are also making her moods very unpredictable - some of the time things are fine, but about 70% of the time she is in a foul mood and nothing can cheer her up. I turn the other cheek and continue with what needs to be done in the day, and try my best to lighten her up a bit, but without much success - which all in all means she is quite hard work to be around these days. Now, all of these things I don't blame her for - having a second child was a decision we didn't make lightly, and I know all of these things are side effects of the pregnancy, so I'm happy to work around them, and help wherever I can; knowing that after James is born things will be back to normal. An average day will have me waking up with Josh and entertaining him in the morning before University so that Mrs K can have some extra sleep, then leaving for Uni as late as possible and returning as quickly as physically possible to minimise the amount of time she's looking after him on her own. At home I'm on entertainment duty the rest of the day, apart from when he has a nap, which is the first chunk of "free time" in the day. Then comes lunch and dinner (which I cook and wash up) and then bedtime story (which I read). Then generally we watch a little TV and then bed, to which I bring the laptop so as to be able to catch up on news and forums while Mrs gets an early night. The evenings in bed are one of the times I feel least restricted - knowing that, should I so desire, I could immediately turn it off and go to sleep, or alternatively could stay awake all night and read whatever I want to; or anything in between.
In reality, if I didn't have to worry about her well-being, there would probably be very little change in day to day routine compared to how we do things now. But the problem is that little stubborn part of the subconscious that says "Hang on a minute, I'm not doing this because I WANT to, I'm doing it because someone else is MAKING me!". It's ignorable, but one of those things that steadily builds up over time like a dripping tap. I'd probably still come straight home after Uni every day just like I do now; and I'd probably still take Josh with me in his buggy if I needed to pop to the post office. But the point is that the decision is forced upon you, it's not something you've decided - and it can get very stressful.
This evening's wedding dress debaucle seemed to be a real stumbling block for me. Though we made our apologies and explained our situations and resolved to move on, apparently that stubborn part of me just can't let go. It's saying; "Hold on a second. Why am I having to make an elaborate and grovelling apology to save our relationship, for an act that I didn't think was anywhere near as wrong as she does? Why should I have to?"
This part of the brain extends to many other scenarios too, and has made me think of all the things that I'm limited or restricted in due to my family responsibilities. Watching Top Gear last night made me mention absent-mindedly that I'd absolutely love to go on a weekend road trip with my best friends for my stag "night", which was met with a frosty reception, I believe possibly because Mrs K was only planning a one-night hen do.
Mainly it's just a struggle of trying to balance that male need to be "master of your own life" with real-world responsibilities. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't sacrifice my relationship with my future wife and the family we've built together for anything - but at the moment it's feeling particularly difficult, with the very little time to myself/ability to do what I want, when I want; and the lack of enthusiasm/affection a large percent of the time from Mrs K (which is reconcilable with the knowledge that she's currently pumped full of pregnancy hormones, at least to the logical side of my brain).
That was somewhat of a long ramble. Anybody else in the doghouse tonight?
No, I'm not in the doghouse tonight.To give you some background I'm currently taking a University course as a mature student in the daytime. We have a 1 year old son and a second on the way in January, then our wedding in May.
I (foolishly?
) confessed to peeking at her wedding dress the other day. She's been keeping it a big secret for ages - well, obviously - and I'm rubbish at secrets and surprises. No excuse, obviously, but still. I was curious and unzipped the bodybag style dress carrier about an inch before I stopped myself - but apparently this has ruined the dress and it's not special anymore. I couldn't tell you any more about it than I already knew (that it's white, and possibly has shiny or sparkly bits on it ) but this has apparently been a major breach of trust. When I was about to "commit the act" I knew she might be a bit upset if she found out, however I (again, foolishly?) thought it would be a "Oh thanks, ya' bd" with a cheeky slap on the cheek type scenario - similar to how I would react if she peeked at her Christmas presents, for example.In retrospect I realise I was a bit of a pillock, and so am officially sorry - but underneath, I'm really struggling with that stubborn alpha male part of the brain.
You see, I've been feeling troubled a lot lately by this archaic part of the brain. As Future Mrs. K is heavily pregnant, she's having a great deal of trouble moving about, which is a problem with a toddler to look after alone. She can't really walk past the end of the drive, let alone into town, and can't yet drive, either. So essentially she is stuck at home unless I take her somewhere. In summary, what this means is that I'm starting to feel quite constricted - I basically have to leave University as soon as possible and come straight home to relieve her of childminding duties. Equally, I can't really leave the house unless it is for a pre-arranged essential task (ie University), or I take our son with me. Cooking and cleaning etc is all done by me as she can't be on her feet long enough to do anything - and on the times when she insists I let her do it, I feel incredibly guilty as she's bent double clearly in great pain for the entire duration.
Hormones are also making her moods very unpredictable - some of the time things are fine, but about 70% of the time she is in a foul mood and nothing can cheer her up. I turn the other cheek and continue with what needs to be done in the day, and try my best to lighten her up a bit, but without much success - which all in all means she is quite hard work to be around these days. Now, all of these things I don't blame her for - having a second child was a decision we didn't make lightly, and I know all of these things are side effects of the pregnancy, so I'm happy to work around them, and help wherever I can; knowing that after James is born things will be back to normal. An average day will have me waking up with Josh and entertaining him in the morning before University so that Mrs K can have some extra sleep, then leaving for Uni as late as possible and returning as quickly as physically possible to minimise the amount of time she's looking after him on her own. At home I'm on entertainment duty the rest of the day, apart from when he has a nap, which is the first chunk of "free time" in the day. Then comes lunch and dinner (which I cook and wash up) and then bedtime story (which I read). Then generally we watch a little TV and then bed, to which I bring the laptop so as to be able to catch up on news and forums while Mrs gets an early night. The evenings in bed are one of the times I feel least restricted - knowing that, should I so desire, I could immediately turn it off and go to sleep, or alternatively could stay awake all night and read whatever I want to; or anything in between.
In reality, if I didn't have to worry about her well-being, there would probably be very little change in day to day routine compared to how we do things now. But the problem is that little stubborn part of the subconscious that says "Hang on a minute, I'm not doing this because I WANT to, I'm doing it because someone else is MAKING me!". It's ignorable, but one of those things that steadily builds up over time like a dripping tap. I'd probably still come straight home after Uni every day just like I do now; and I'd probably still take Josh with me in his buggy if I needed to pop to the post office. But the point is that the decision is forced upon you, it's not something you've decided - and it can get very stressful.
This evening's wedding dress debaucle seemed to be a real stumbling block for me. Though we made our apologies and explained our situations and resolved to move on, apparently that stubborn part of me just can't let go. It's saying; "Hold on a second. Why am I having to make an elaborate and grovelling apology to save our relationship, for an act that I didn't think was anywhere near as wrong as she does? Why should I have to?"
This part of the brain extends to many other scenarios too, and has made me think of all the things that I'm limited or restricted in due to my family responsibilities. Watching Top Gear last night made me mention absent-mindedly that I'd absolutely love to go on a weekend road trip with my best friends for my stag "night", which was met with a frosty reception, I believe possibly because Mrs K was only planning a one-night hen do.
Mainly it's just a struggle of trying to balance that male need to be "master of your own life" with real-world responsibilities. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't sacrifice my relationship with my future wife and the family we've built together for anything - but at the moment it's feeling particularly difficult, with the very little time to myself/ability to do what I want, when I want; and the lack of enthusiasm/affection a large percent of the time from Mrs K (which is reconcilable with the knowledge that she's currently pumped full of pregnancy hormones, at least to the logical side of my brain).
That was somewhat of a long ramble. Anybody else in the doghouse tonight?
However, I am utterly confused by your post. Are you saying that you have one kid, and another on the way, and you are still a student? You talk about being "master of your own life", and yet you leave me with the distinct feeling that you are one of the winners in the state benefits system.
Do you rely on state benefits for your survival? Am I working to support you, your wife, and your offspring?
Don
--
That's actually the exact point where I stopped reading as well.don4l said:
No, I'm not in the doghouse tonight.
However, I am utterly confused by your post. Are you saying that you have one kid, and another on the way, and you are still a student? You talk about being "master of your own life", and yet you leave me with the distinct feeling that you are one of the winners in the state benefits system.
Do you rely on state benefits for your survival? Am I working to support you, your wife, and your offspring?
I will answer the above questions truthfully:However, I am utterly confused by your post. Are you saying that you have one kid, and another on the way, and you are still a student? You talk about being "master of your own life", and yet you leave me with the distinct feeling that you are one of the winners in the state benefits system.
Do you rely on state benefits for your survival? Am I working to support you, your wife, and your offspring?
- Yes we are currently in receipt of state benefits. However due to "slipping through the cracks" in the system we currently are in receipt of far less than many other people in similar situations are entitled to.
- Our survival is mainly maintained currently by my student loan, which I will have hanging over my head for a good many years. We are topped up by child benefit, to the tune of £20 a week - which anybody with a child under 18 qualifies for, regardless of their income - and additionally due to our obscenely low income, qualify for Housing Benefit which covers the rent of our house.
- We are most certainly not "winners in the state benefits system". We currently live in a small two-bedroom house, the master bedroom being just big enough to fit a double bed and a wardrobe in, the second "bedroom" merely a box room. Our neighbours in identically-sized houses all live alone or at most with a partner, for which I imagine the house is small. As our children will be very close in age we will not qualify for any further financial support toward rent, and therefore have to remain in the house we live in now, that I would currently describe as "cramped" with just the three of us. In fact, to be able to accommodate us all, we will be moving our double bed into the box room (it will just fit, with about 2cm either side, but we will be unable to close the door) so that our children can have the master bedroom, as the second bedroom is too small to fit two cots.
- In conclusion, then, at the moment I suppose you could say that you are working to help support my family. However, this is a temporary measure to allow me the financial independence to be able to get an education, and subsequently a job that pays well enough to make us self-sufficient, after which I will also be working to support those on the welfare system.
I could indeed leave University and go and find work tomorrow - but in my experience of finding summer work before I started Uni, the highest-paid work I could find was less than £16k a year, which would leave us in great financial difficulty and probably still partially reliant on the welfare system to allow our children to eat.
So at the end of the day it's up to you - either I can use the welfare system for what it was intended (helping to get people on their feet) for three years, after which I am entirely self-sufficient; or I could go and find menial work immediately which would not provide my family with enough money to live on and leave us either in poverty or partially reliant on the state for support for the rest of our lives.
Edited by OwenK on Tuesday 17th November 00:09
Sheesh.
You are in the situation you are in (unmarried, one kid, another on the way) because you and your partner are unable to operate contraceptive devices properly.
I assume you are not doing a science degree.
Either way, good luck with the rest of the course, good luck finding your career and don't worry. In 10-15 years you'll have forgotten all about the years of making sacrifices for success. It is how it works.
You are in the situation you are in (unmarried, one kid, another on the way) because you and your partner are unable to operate contraceptive devices properly.
I assume you are not doing a science degree.
Either way, good luck with the rest of the course, good luck finding your career and don't worry. In 10-15 years you'll have forgotten all about the years of making sacrifices for success. It is how it works.
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