What would you do? A dilemma.
Discussion
I currently find myself in something of a dilemma.
About 8 years ago, I was in a relationship with a girl, lets call her Katherine (because that was her name!). We lived together with her son, all nice and cosy, no problems at all. We had two lovely German Shepherds,Jake and Ria, who we all adored.
Fast forward three years and we split up for various reasons that are not relevant. She continues to look after the dogs for a couple of days a week ,but they live with me.
She starts seeing someone else, all fine and no problems. They split up ,and someone else is on the scene - someone who I know a bit about, and it is not good.
The ex has the dogs less and less due to hyper controlling BF, and I have a bit of a falling out with said BF which culminates in him sending some goon round to my place to "Sort me out". This never happened - turns out the BF and his goon are both as yellow as each other when it came down to it.
Eventually ,all contact stops - the little we had had up to that point had only been her wanting to say hello to the dogs - I should say that I was glad to be out of the relationship and never had any thoughts or desire of a reconciliation.
Now, fast forward to the present, no contact with her for best part of four years, though bumped into her son a couple of times walking the dogs, who always said how much he and K missed the dogs.
Both dogs have unexpectedly died in a short space of time. I saw her son the first time, and let him know that Ria had gone, and he was hugely upset.
Now Jake has just died and part of me wants to go and explain what happened to K face to face ,just so she can have any questions she might have answered - so she can draw a line under it. I know she is very upset ,as a friend of mine saw her in the street the other day and mentioned it. I had previously asked my friend if she knew K's exact address ,as I wanted K to know about Jake. She didn't, but coincidentaly saw her the next day and told her.
Now, part of me does not want to go raking over old coals ,but part of me also thinks that K will be feeling awful that both dogs have gone, and she has no answers as to how or why.
Am I mad to think of meeting her, or is it the right thing to do?
What do you lot think?
(FWIW - I have pretty much decided my course of action, but could be swayed if I have missed an obvious counter argument!)
About 8 years ago, I was in a relationship with a girl, lets call her Katherine (because that was her name!). We lived together with her son, all nice and cosy, no problems at all. We had two lovely German Shepherds,Jake and Ria, who we all adored.
Fast forward three years and we split up for various reasons that are not relevant. She continues to look after the dogs for a couple of days a week ,but they live with me.
She starts seeing someone else, all fine and no problems. They split up ,and someone else is on the scene - someone who I know a bit about, and it is not good.
The ex has the dogs less and less due to hyper controlling BF, and I have a bit of a falling out with said BF which culminates in him sending some goon round to my place to "Sort me out". This never happened - turns out the BF and his goon are both as yellow as each other when it came down to it.
Eventually ,all contact stops - the little we had had up to that point had only been her wanting to say hello to the dogs - I should say that I was glad to be out of the relationship and never had any thoughts or desire of a reconciliation.
Now, fast forward to the present, no contact with her for best part of four years, though bumped into her son a couple of times walking the dogs, who always said how much he and K missed the dogs.
Both dogs have unexpectedly died in a short space of time. I saw her son the first time, and let him know that Ria had gone, and he was hugely upset.
Now Jake has just died and part of me wants to go and explain what happened to K face to face ,just so she can have any questions she might have answered - so she can draw a line under it. I know she is very upset ,as a friend of mine saw her in the street the other day and mentioned it. I had previously asked my friend if she knew K's exact address ,as I wanted K to know about Jake. She didn't, but coincidentaly saw her the next day and told her.
Now, part of me does not want to go raking over old coals ,but part of me also thinks that K will be feeling awful that both dogs have gone, and she has no answers as to how or why.
Am I mad to think of meeting her, or is it the right thing to do?
What do you lot think?
(FWIW - I have pretty much decided my course of action, but could be swayed if I have missed an obvious counter argument!)
Stevenj214 said:
Unless unavoidable, clean breaks are the best way to end relationships.
It has been "clean" for a long time now.Cara Van Man said:
friendship ended. over. done with. finished.
Very much so.sa_20v said:
It sounds like you actually want contact with the Ex. Leave well alone.
I dont "Want" contact - have done fine for the last 4 years with none at all. However, if the situation was reversed, I would want to know what had happened to the dogs.The letter idea is a good one, but I dont know her address. Also ,idiot BF is still around and would likely make sure she didn't get it.
MrTom said:
I doubt she cares that much, after all she didn't bother see them for four years.
AFAIK the issue was being allowed ,rather than bothering.Probably best not to visit the ex again. It’s in the past now and you need to move on.
This probably doesn't mean anything at all but from the way you worded your post, I feel compelled to ask. You mentioned that both dogs died rather suddenly - do you think there is any chance that the new guy did something to speed this up? Got his goon so slip some poisoned dog treats through the letter box? It would be an awful thing to do, but it sounds like he wanted to get at you somehow.
This probably doesn't mean anything at all but from the way you worded your post, I feel compelled to ask. You mentioned that both dogs died rather suddenly - do you think there is any chance that the new guy did something to speed this up? Got his goon so slip some poisoned dog treats through the letter box? It would be an awful thing to do, but it sounds like he wanted to get at you somehow.
FreeLitres said:
Probably best not to visit the ex again. It’s in the past now and you need to move on.
This probably doesn't mean anything at all but from the way you worded your post, I feel compelled to ask. You mentioned that both dogs died rather suddenly - do you think there is any chance that the new guy did something to speed this up? Got his goon so slip some poisoned dog treats through the letter box? It would be an awful thing to do, but it sounds like he wanted to get at you somehow.
None at all - they dont know where I live now! The goon was not local in any case - he had quite a long and ultimately fruitless journey the first time round!This probably doesn't mean anything at all but from the way you worded your post, I feel compelled to ask. You mentioned that both dogs died rather suddenly - do you think there is any chance that the new guy did something to speed this up? Got his goon so slip some poisoned dog treats through the letter box? It would be an awful thing to do, but it sounds like he wanted to get at you somehow.
spikeyhead said:
A pedant writes:-
This is not a dilemma as there are more than two options.
A wise man writes:-
Usually, when faced with a dliemma, the third option is the best
A pedant copies and pastes :-This is not a dilemma as there are more than two options.
A wise man writes:-
Usually, when faced with a dliemma, the third option is the best
dilemma noun (dilemmas) 1 a situation in which one must choose between two or more courses of action, both (or all) equally undesirable. 2 colloq a problem or difficult situation.
ETYMOLOGY: 16c, originally the name given to a particular type of argument: from Greek di- twice + lemma assumption.
From Chambers Dictionary
Edited by Rollcage on Friday 20th November 20:55
You are clearly hung up on your ex and using the dogs as an excuse to make conatct. For your own benefit leave well alone, allow your ex and her son to live her life and get on with your own. She is obviously happy with her BF, considering the period of time they have been in a relationship and your opinion on his control is non of your concern anymore.
It has been four years, sadly your dogs have also passed. It is the end of a chapter. Time to move on!!
It has been four years, sadly your dogs have also passed. It is the end of a chapter. Time to move on!!
Rollcage said:
spikeyhead said:
A pedant writes:-
This is not a dilemma as there are more than two options.
A wise man writes:-
Usually, when faced with a dliemma, the third option is the best
A pedant copies and pastes :-This is not a dilemma as there are more than two options.
A wise man writes:-
Usually, when faced with a dliemma, the third option is the best
dilemma noun (dilemmas) 1 a situation in which one must choose between two or more courses of action, both (or all) equally undesirable. 2 colloq a problem or difficult situation.
ETYMOLOGY: 16c, originally the name given to a particular type of argument: from Greek di- twice + lemma assumption.
From Chambers Dictionary
Pedants should only use the OED, Chambers is merely for crosswords and playing scrabble with, and even scrabble have abandoned them
I wish I wasn't stuck at home with a stinking cold on a Friday night, with nothing better to do than argue the toss over etymology
Leave the past where is belongs, if she cares THAT much she will get in touch with you herself.
If she's with someone who won't "allow" her to get in touch with you, you will just cause her huge problems by pushing contact.
It was her choice to allow this guy to stop her seeing the dogs. She chose him.
If she's with someone who won't "allow" her to get in touch with you, you will just cause her huge problems by pushing contact.
It was her choice to allow this guy to stop her seeing the dogs. She chose him.
devonshiredave said:
You are clearly hung up on your ex and using the dogs as an excuse to make conatct. For your own benefit leave well alone, allow your ex and her son to live her life and get on with your own. She is obviously happy with her BF, considering the period of time they have been in a relationship and your opinion on his control is non of your concern anymore.
It has been four years, sadly your dogs have also passed. It is the end of a chapter. Time to move on!!
I can see your point of view ,but believe me if I was still hung up on her I would have done something before now - she lives not much further away than the end of my road. I was glad the relationship ended when it did, and certainly have no ideas about rekindling it now. The BF's control has never been a concern to me - she was quite capable of making her own decisions!It has been four years, sadly your dogs have also passed. It is the end of a chapter. Time to move on!!
I just think she would want to know what had happened ,and am a bit stuck as to how to achieve it with no hassle. I know that I probably shouldnt bother, as I owe her nothing, but I know that if it was me in her shoes (Difficult!) I would want to know. Saying nothing at all was not an option, as I saw her son and he asked where Ria was - just walking the one dog led him to ask questions.
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