Funeral etiquette
Discussion
Right, so I have to cremate my father on Wednesday (he is dead already)
I'm the new head of the family and am thus expected to make speeches etc and have a general lead. I am not about to run around the crematorium with fire extinguishers or other such suggestions as would normally come from this forum....
At weddings, you tip the drivers. Do you do the same at funerals? What else don't they tell you to do that you should? I've been at a fair whack of funerals, but not quite this level of involvement or organisation....
I'm the new head of the family and am thus expected to make speeches etc and have a general lead. I am not about to run around the crematorium with fire extinguishers or other such suggestions as would normally come from this forum....
At weddings, you tip the drivers. Do you do the same at funerals? What else don't they tell you to do that you should? I've been at a fair whack of funerals, but not quite this level of involvement or organisation....
alfa pint said:
Right, so I have to cremate my father on Wednesday (he is dead already)
I'm the new head of the family and am thus expected to make speeches etc and have a general lead. I am not about to run around the crematorium with fire extinguishers or other such suggestions as would normally come from this forum....
At weddings, you tip the drivers. Do you do the same at funerals? What else don't they tell you to do that you should? I've been at a fair whack of funerals, but not quite this level of involvement or organisation....
You don't have to tip anyone, or bow to anyones wishes on that day, if you have paid you have paid, it's one of the only days in your life that you can be as selfish as you like, no one will mind, nor should they, you have enough to deal with without trying to please anyone.I'm the new head of the family and am thus expected to make speeches etc and have a general lead. I am not about to run around the crematorium with fire extinguishers or other such suggestions as would normally come from this forum....
At weddings, you tip the drivers. Do you do the same at funerals? What else don't they tell you to do that you should? I've been at a fair whack of funerals, but not quite this level of involvement or organisation....
Take care of your family and I hope you get through the day in as good a shape as possible.
Sorry to hear, but as tossbag says, one day not to worry about this stuff, do what you think is right and you will be fine. Condolences OP.
On tipping, nobody I've ever known has tipped a hearse driver.
Only couple of things from an organisational point of view is to be bang on with your timings because they tend to be very strict with this, there is usually a warning light at the lectern to let you know you have x mins left etc. Also, I think some places have a button where you can start the curtain coming round the coffin should you finish slightly early.
Also, about 5 or 6 of you will probably be allowed to go to a room where you can see the casket being put into the oven. In some cases they may actually take you into the chamber where the ovens are. At this point you don't have much time, nor can many people come. So inform any close relations like mum, siblings etc, so you are all ready to go should you wish to.
Finally don't put too much pressure on yourself, you don't know how these things will affect you. My little bro is very shy, but he spoke well at my granddads funeral, my uncle is very confident yet found it very difficult to speak. Remember nobody is there to judge you.
On tipping, nobody I've ever known has tipped a hearse driver.
Only couple of things from an organisational point of view is to be bang on with your timings because they tend to be very strict with this, there is usually a warning light at the lectern to let you know you have x mins left etc. Also, I think some places have a button where you can start the curtain coming round the coffin should you finish slightly early.
Also, about 5 or 6 of you will probably be allowed to go to a room where you can see the casket being put into the oven. In some cases they may actually take you into the chamber where the ovens are. At this point you don't have much time, nor can many people come. So inform any close relations like mum, siblings etc, so you are all ready to go should you wish to.
Finally don't put too much pressure on yourself, you don't know how these things will affect you. My little bro is very shy, but he spoke well at my granddads funeral, my uncle is very confident yet found it very difficult to speak. Remember nobody is there to judge you.
H_Kan said:
On tipping, nobody I've ever known has tipped a hearse driver.
Condolences, OP.As this is PH, I suspect the lack of tipping is because hearse drivers are notoriously reluctant to drift the hearse.
I think that a full lock drift would warrant a generous dip, with perhaps some small token of appreciation for a mere dab of oppo.
James
Do your own thing,remember him as your think he would have wanted , and while its a sad day ( I had to do this for my father and my mother) celebrate the good things of his life, the pain dies but happy memories live on forever
So Sorry for your loss
xxx
M
So Sorry for your loss
xxx
M
Edited by mitzy on Saturday 21st November 08:44
It is about your feelings and celebrating the life of your Father - you do things how you want them. There has to be some structure, but the Funeral Directors will help you every step of the way; to put it bluntly that is their job and that is what they are paid for, and they do it well. Same with the staff at the Crem.
We did tip the FD at my MiLs funeral last month; just gave him enough for him and the drivers to have a drink; but then they had been so warm and caring during the time we were dealing with them we felt they deserved it.
I'm sorry for your loss
We did tip the FD at my MiLs funeral last month; just gave him enough for him and the drivers to have a drink; but then they had been so warm and caring during the time we were dealing with them we felt they deserved it.
I'm sorry for your loss
bikemonster said:
I think that a full lock drift would warrant a generous dip, with perhaps some small token of appreciation for a mere dab of oppo.
At my gran's funeral it was snowing and icy and the hearse driver for some unknown reason parked on a steep side road as he couldn't get to her front door. He couldn't get the thing to stop after setting off down the hill so we waved him out sideways onto the main road. The old lady always had a sense of adventure whenever she travelled 
H_Kan said:
Condolences OP.
Also, about 5 or 6 of you will probably be allowed to go to a room where you can see the casket being put into the oven. In some cases they may actually take you into the chamber where the ovens are. At this point you don't have much time, nor can many people come. So inform any close relations like mum, siblings etc, so you are all ready to go should you wish to.
Holy moly, I have never heard of this. I've been to a fair few crematoriums but never been aware something like this occurs, is it common?Also, about 5 or 6 of you will probably be allowed to go to a room where you can see the casket being put into the oven. In some cases they may actually take you into the chamber where the ovens are. At this point you don't have much time, nor can many people come. So inform any close relations like mum, siblings etc, so you are all ready to go should you wish to.
Suffice to say the service is usually emotional enough.
OP, Condolences to you and your family. As others have said, your Funeral Directors will assist you with anything and everything, and do not be hesitant to ask for something, nothing is too much trouble.
Sorry to hear of your loss.
My first funeral as a family member was when my Great aunt died. My great uncle summoned most of the male members of the family to go over the funeral. And we were all given jobs. Close relatives at the door, and others carrying. Being outside the immediate family I (along with a couple of others) was asked to show folk to their seats and hand out hymn sheets. The idea was to ensure those who should be in the first few rows were and my Uncle provided us with a seating plan of who he wanted at the front.
All subsequent family funerals have also been done in this way, with the allocations of jobs depending on the relationships. Being brought into it at a young age gives a good understanding of all that happens.
My first funeral as a family member was when my Great aunt died. My great uncle summoned most of the male members of the family to go over the funeral. And we were all given jobs. Close relatives at the door, and others carrying. Being outside the immediate family I (along with a couple of others) was asked to show folk to their seats and hand out hymn sheets. The idea was to ensure those who should be in the first few rows were and my Uncle provided us with a seating plan of who he wanted at the front.
All subsequent family funerals have also been done in this way, with the allocations of jobs depending on the relationships. Being brought into it at a young age gives a good understanding of all that happens.
bigdavy said:
H_Kan said:
Condolences OP.
Also, about 5 or 6 of you will probably be allowed to go to a room where you can see the casket being put into the oven. In some cases they may actually take you into the chamber where the ovens are. At this point you don't have much time, nor can many people come. So inform any close relations like mum, siblings etc, so you are all ready to go should you wish to.
Holy moly, I have never heard of this. I've been to a fair few crematoriums but never been aware something like this occurs, is it common?Also, about 5 or 6 of you will probably be allowed to go to a room where you can see the casket being put into the oven. In some cases they may actually take you into the chamber where the ovens are. At this point you don't have much time, nor can many people come. So inform any close relations like mum, siblings etc, so you are all ready to go should you wish to.
Suffice to say the service is usually emotional enough.
OP, Condolences to you and your family. As others have said, your Funeral Directors will assist you with anything and everything, and do not be hesitant to ask for something, nothing is too much trouble.
OP, forgot to mention, you may wish to nominate some people to carry the coffin if you haven't got pallbearers, rather then people trying figure it out at the time. Also, you can give the funeral director a cd etc if you want a specific cd playing when you come in etc.
If you have any concerns then give your director a call, I've found them to be very helpful people in general- they do charge a large enough whack though!
Being shown into the cremators is very unusual IME as working for a funeral directors.
Also the funeral director will sort out the bearing, usually now coffins are not shouldered unless the family specifically requests it as finding 4 bearers of the same height is difficult. Usually a little fold out trolley is used. The family can request that their members bear the coffin but again this is done less and less.
Also the funeral director will sort out the bearing, usually now coffins are not shouldered unless the family specifically requests it as finding 4 bearers of the same height is difficult. Usually a little fold out trolley is used. The family can request that their members bear the coffin but again this is done less and less.
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