Ordinariness, the married man, and friendship

[nomdeplus]

I have a question to ask, to the married with kids men of ph ( who are in their thirties)

Have you made any truly great friendships through the NCT class, kids school, or other local family based activity of the husbands of your wifes friends? I will openly admit that I haven't. Its all very polite but not a lot of fun.

Is it because I am meeting these people in a context where we have to be on our best behaviour ( as we are with the wife/family) , is it because men who are in this situation are bored themselves with life and have nothing really to contribute?, is it because I live in an ordinary town, in an ordinary house, in an ordinary street and therefore meet ordinary people.

Maybe a I need to meet these people again in a pub, with out the kids, but that fills me with dread as what if they are boring in that context to?

Yes I am probably as guilty as being boring as the people I meet but I do know that I try to make it a bit more light hearted, but I am busting out to try and have some banter with these guys, to break the boredom, but if a I try I get nothing in return, nothing to feed off. I am sure that the wise asses of PH will lay the blame at my door, however I hope that there are other people who feel the same? And what they did about it. Maybe it is transitional due to my age and circumstances?

Anyobdy else feel the same, or do I need to work harder with these people?

[loafer123]

I've got a couple of friends who I met via NCT, but they are based on a relatively short phase in life with a shared experience, which then diverges again, so I think it is harder to sustain them unless you really hit it off.

I have better friends met through my kids school.

[becksW]

I'll ask my hubby in a few months as we'll be attending classes in the New year TBH we'll probably still have more in common with our mates with no kids then meeting new people with kids!

Edited by becksW on Sunday 29th November 13:27

[deckster]

Well in in the seven years we've had kids, I've met approximately eleventy billion other dads through ante-natal classes, pre-school, PTA and just dads of my kid's friends. Of those, I know maybe 20 well enough to chat to in the playground, semi-regularly go to the pub with half a dozen of them, and would count a couple as pretty good friends.

Why would you expect to instantly form long-lasting, soul-matey relationships with people with whom you have nothing in common except the fact that nine months ago you happened to have sex on the same night?

[nomdeplus]

deckster said:

Why would you expect to instantly form long-lasting, soul-matey relationships with people with whom you have nothing in common except the fact that nine months ago you happened to have sex on the same night?

probably should of added, that this state of flux or inability to get beyond pleasantaries has been the case over the last three years. That is I have met some of them on several occasions but not got beyond nodding acquaintancies.

[Big_Dog]

I have been there. now have two teenagers. I met some people who I was happy to walk to school with enjoying a chat. When it came to more than that it was a struggle. I tried the pub etc also met at school functions but developed nothing more than pleasant acquaintances.
I did get some friends back though when they caught up, getting married, having kids and stuff. Don't think all is lost. You can get to a stage when you feel like an accessory to your wife and kids. You will get past it to a point where you and the kids can share stuff (just done a top end rebuild with my 19yr old). Get some hobbies and be just a bit selfish now and again.

[Maxf]

nomdeplus said:

deckster said:

Why would you expect to instantly form long-lasting, soul-matey relationships with people with whom you have nothing in common except the fact that nine months ago you happened to have sex on the same night?

probably should of added, that this state of flux or inability to get beyond pleasantaries has been the case over the last three years. That is I have met some of them on several occasions but not got beyond nodding acquaintancies.

Nodding pleasantries is a guy thing - its kind of a trap as well as in you nod then it's awkward to actually do much more. Sometimes you need to bite the bullet and be the person instigating the chat/asking them to the pub or whatever (if you want to) or you'll still be nodding hello at your kids' graduation ceremony.

[jimmystratos]

NCT classes, mother / toddler groups and the school gates are a way of meeting a lot of new people that you would not otherwise have met. Some you don't want to meet again, most are OK, but just not exactly on your wavelength.and a few may turn out to be great mates. A bit like any new bunch of people you meet, whether it's through car clubs, pubs, whist drives, sports clubs etc. where a specific common interest brings you together. There's nothing special about the people you meet through parenthood - it just happens at a time of our lives when our patterns and social circles are becoming relatively static.

[NuisanceFactor]

Yes.

One of the 'school gate' couples invited a bunch of us round for drinks/snacks one day and during the afternoon some of us chaps decided that we would go out for a few beers and a curry away from the wives/partners. This we duly did, and enjoyed ourselves so much (alcohol can be a great lubricant, as can a shared experience like a meal) that we decided to do it again.

After a short time we 'formalised' it so that we didn't have to keep contacting each other to see if we wanted to go out, so we arranged that it would always be 2nd Wednesday of the month. After a while we had a group of about 20 dads with a huge range of interests and we all had 2nd Wednesday marked in the diary and on the wall calendar so that the other-halves knew that we men were busy those evenings, so no double booking; if there was, then the Beers/Curry was there first. Of course there are occasions when one or two or more can't make it, but there's always a hardcore of 8 or 10 who are up for a night out. Additionally, we have Christmas specials where we take a Friday close to Christmas off work and enjoy ourselves, these have included breakfast in Smithfield with a few beers, a meander to the dogs at Walthamstow (happy hour on Fridays, or it used to be), followed by a curry in our home town in the evening. Brewery trips are also favourite venues

Sometimes there is someone whose views you just don't get on with, but with a reasonable size group the effect of these people can be diluted.

Works for us.

Edited by NuisanceFactor on Sunday 29th November 14:42

[eccles]

[quote=Maxf or you'll still be nodding hello at your kids' graduation ceremony.
[/quote]


Do kids graduate in this country now? Is everything going American here!


P.S. Whats NCT stand for?

[750turbo]

National Car Test?

[King Herald]

nomdeplus said:

I have a question to ask, to the married with kids men of ph ( who are in their thirties)

Have you made any truly great friendships through the NCT class, kids school, or other local family based activity of the husbands of your wifes friends? I will openly admit that I haven't. Its all very polite but not a lot of fun.

When we first moved back to the UK, 8 years ago, I simply had no interest in talking to any of the grey drones who I unwillingly stood shoulder to shoulder with when collecting my four year old Princess Herald from school.


I still don't talk to most of them, have no interest in creating conversations, inventing discussion, chatting about the weather, I hate football, I don't 'text', don't check my fashionable-latest-model phone every 30 seconds, I don't go to pubs, or clubs, don't bh about the girl down the road, I don't want to hear about 'our kid', or share secrets about my latest divorce. I generally have no friends, don't want any friends, I basically hate people.



And I think they all hate me too.

[ShadownINja]

It's threads like these that remind me that my life is fantastic.

[Vespula]

King Herald said:

I still don't talk to most of them, have no interest in creating conversations, inventing discussion, chatting about the weather, I hate football, I don't 'text', don't check my fashionable-latest-model phone every 30 seconds, I don't go to pubs, or clubs, don't bh about the girl down the road, I don't want to hear about 'our kid', or share secrets about my latest divorce. I generally have no friends, don't want any friends, I basically hate people.

My soul mate! (not in a ghey sense)

Edited by Vespula on Sunday 29th November 17:44

[t84]

What is an NCT class?

[Bullett]

We did NCT (National Childbirth Trust) mostly for the women to have a local support network. I've been out with the dads/to-be once and it was ok, beer curry and reasonable night out but nothing special.

I quite like one of them and as we were in the next bed in maternity we've grown closer than to some of the others. But it's early days.

I don't feel obliged to be friends with these people.

[cymtriks]

I had nothing in common with the dads at the NCT classes other than that our other halves were expecting. I spent most of my time in ante natal classes being genuinely surprised at what it was assumed we didn't already know and even more surprised that a good few couples seemed to think that they were actually being taught something new. That last bit was a bit worrying, where had they been all their lives?

The same is mostly true for any event that families are expected to go to, the only thing you have in common is that you have a family.

Most of my friends were met in social situations that didn't revolve around the fact that you were parents.

So I guess I'm in the same boat as the OP.

[King Herald]

Vespula said:

King Herald said:

I still don't talk to most of them, have no interest in creating conversations, inventing discussion, chatting about the weather, I hate football, I don't 'text', don't check my fashionable-latest-model phone every 30 seconds, I don't go to pubs, or clubs, don't bh about the girl down the road, I don't want to hear about 'our kid', or share secrets about my latest divorce. I generally have no friends, don't want any friends, I basically hate people.

My soul mate! (not in a ghey sense)

Okay, whatever, but don't even think about coming over and talking to me about it.

[Craiglamuffin]

Hey,

My wife and I had our first nipper in July. Went to the classes (24 folks in total) and since then our group fell into 2 general groups, breast and bottle feeding. Each general group then fell into smaller cliques of approx. 4.

I am lucky in that I get a lot of time off work so I go along to meetings of the group my wife made friends with, but the other dads are hardly ever there. On the rare occasion I meet them I share your feelings entirely. They have naff all to say except the odd "i cant do that anymore" thing which always stikes me as odd because it appears they didn't do anything exciting in the first place.

The mums on the other hand (in my experience) have been a mixture of professional girls who have an intelligent outlook on their new situation.

To summarise, I've been amazed by how reaaaaly boring other Dads have been, but really impressed by the new interesting mum-friends my wife has made. I don't look forward to a season of 2010 BBQs when I'll be stuck chatting to the former.

nondeplus, have you found the mums and dads boring?

Edited by Craiglamuffin on Sunday 29th November 19:52

[mcflurry]

Mrs Mcflurry has met a few nice people at these meetings, as well as the Sure Start Centres. Our initial preconceived thoughts were that they were going to be filled with teenagers chavs on benefits, however found most of them to be upstanding members of the community

The husbands like beer, Jack Daniels, sports, gadgets, films, bikes and cars etc so no issues there