Great Customer complaint
Discussion
[quote]
To whoever it may concern.
At approximately 12:40pm on the 28th April, I went in to your Tesco Metro branch in Exeter. It being the end of the month and me still not having fully recovered from being a student, headed directly for the cheapest price label I could view from 30 yards..... Aaaahhh - Chicken flavour instant noodles - 8p a bag - can't complain.
But later that evening, all went a little mysterious (not too dissimilar to Tales of the Unexpected by Roald Dahl - remember that?). I cooked the noodles precisely as the directions suggested - I have learnt my lesson from an undercooked Pot Noodle during one of my drug riddled student years. To be fair, the noodles were not too enjoyable, but certainly edible. Furthermore, they were not as instant as the name would suggest! They tasted a bit like chicken soup but with the texture of baby
poo - you know when it comes out green during the early years.
Anyway, that is not the subject of my complaint. You would not beleive my confusion, anger and frustration when I read the ingredients on the side of the packet. Honestly, I was so distraught, I dropped the spliff right out of my mouth into my special brew (for which a more anal person may try to claim compensation - I am certain John Lewis customers would lose sleep over such an unfortunate event). Anyway this was what was written on the side of the packet:
Ingredients:
92% Noodles
7% Seasoning
Now, I don't mean to sound condescending, but 92% + 7% = 99%. Honestly - try using a calculator - it came easy to me - I have a maths degree, but I understand that you are working for tesco and as such, probably have a below average IQ. In fact that is probably harsh. I am guessing that you don't work for Tesco, but probably for an outsourced call center spending each and every day losing a few more brain cells answering the same old complaints from the same old morons, with nothing better to do than write long winded emails about 8p noodles. If I am not mistaken, I reckon the highlight of your day may well be showing your colleagues comedy emails that muppets have sent you. I trust this enquiry will be treated with a little more respect, this being a serious query and
all.
Anyway, I am going off track. The point of my email is to discover what that extra 1% is in my noodles. Maybe you only sold me 99% of a pack (in which case, I will want a refund of 0.08p - in the form of a Tesco gift voucher if necessary), if not, it must be something, mustn't it? I have heard horror stories of human excrement, rat tails and even bits of Linda McCartney being used in economy food. I simply want your reassurence that I have not accidentally consumed the wife of an ex-Beatle (unless it was a chunk of Heather Mills' secret spare cheddar based leg - which in all fairness I doubt).
Could you please investigate this with the powers that be and get back to me at the earliest possible convenience. Alternatively, I will have no option to report this neglect of facts and poor customer service to the little known, but highly powerful publication, "Crap Noodles Crap Service Weekly". Be afraid - be very afraid!
I await your reply
Darren
REPLY:
Thank you for your email.
This problem is down to the QUID system (Quantitative Ingredients Declaration). Quid labelling is necessary to improve the accuracy and completeness oflabel information about the composition of foods.
The QUID declaration must be indicated in or immediately next to the name under which the product is sold unless a list of ingredients is voluntarily indicated on the label in which case the quantity may appear in the list. The quantity of the ingredient, expressed as a percentage, must correspond to the quantity of the ingredient(s) actually used in the preparation of the product.
The QUID requirement DOES NOT apply to constituents naturally present in foods and which have not been added as ingredients e.g. caffeine (in coffee)and vitamins and minerals (in fruit juices). QUID declarations are not needed in a number of cases, e.g. when products state the drained net weightor where an ingredient is used for purposes of flavouring.
Kind Regards
Wayne Moir
Customer Service Manager
AND THEN:
Dear Mr Moir
Thank you for your rather delayed and standard response. Whilst I enjoy learning about your QUID system and other internal TESCO policies, this does not really answer my question, does it?! I appreciate that this is not an easy query to answer and you have tried your best to fob me off with a reply that doesn't really relate to my query. Well guess what... I am not going to give up without an answer! So Mr Moir, what was in my noodles? What was that 1%? I demand
satisfaction!! I have been a loyal Tesco customer all of my life and never before have I received such poor customer service. Maybe you should take a leaf out
of Sainsbury's book? Their customer service is second to none and their noodles do not remind me of the contents of childrens nappies as yours do. Perhaps you could ask them for the recipe? Ok, maybe you pay a little more (9p a pack) but at least you are guaranteed 100% noodlage.So, Mr Moir, I feel that me and you have made a connection now, so I will be pleased if you will deal with my query personally. As much as I am sure that you are all equally capable of dealing with my enquiry, I would like to only correspond with yourself in future. Lucky you!! Now, I am sure that if you knew what my 1% of noodles was, then you wouldn't withhold such information (would you?). Clearly the problem is that you are not fully trained in the instant noodle department. I understand that Tesco need to cut costs at all given opportunity, but for your staff not to be trained in the principal constituents of economy pasta is just another example of losing touch with the common slob. Maybe a
field trip to the noodle factory would be in order? You could follow the whole noodle making process all the way from the underpaid immigrants preparing the noodles, to the underpaid spotty youth carelessly stacking it on the shelf. This way there would be no opportunity for anyone to add any "secret ingredients" to my noodles, or for 1% of them to be stolen without you seeing. Perhaps you could suggest this to your manager? Think about it Mr Moir, this will make everyone happy - I finally get
some sleep at night with 100% noodle satisfaction, and you get a free and exciting trip to the noodle factory. To be honest I am a little
jealous.
Ok, now on to the rather delicate matter of compensation. In my last email, I politely hinted that a 0.08p Tesco voucher may be appropriate, but you chose to ignore this point entirely. This matter has caused both myself and my family very much distress and inconvenience, and I feel I should be compensated accordingly.
Firstly, there is the matter of the 0.08p, I have been overcharged. I am assuming this will be refunded if I do not receive a satisfactory answer.
Then, there is the sleepless nights. When I do get to sleep all I dream about is noodles. Honestly it is terrifying. One day I am drowning in noodles, the next I am being chased by a big noodle monster... well 99% of one (looks a bit like Carlos Valderama actually). You won't beleive the amount of ganja I have to smoke in order to get a decent nights sleep. In the 2 weeks since the onset of this pasta-disaster, my cannabis consumption must have increased tenfold. See what this lack of
information does to our society. And, then there is the effect that this is having on my personal life. My girlfriend has left me for a drama student called Gerald, I mean
come on, who is called Gerald? w
ker. Apparently Gerald has a sensitive side. Gerald doesn't spend all day talking about noodles. Gerald doesn't spend his days emailing Tesco. Gerald has never taken a sh*t on his landlords doorstep. Whatever! Anyway, I hope you realise that this leaves me needing to find some new loving, which as you well know won't be cheap (or easy, given that I look like uncle Fester and have a bit of a noodle obsession). The money I am going to have to spend on romantic dinners, chocolates, wine, date rape drugs etc will be immense. And in the meantime, I am going to have to visit a lady of the night in order to get some - again this won't come cheap. If you can recommend anyone that isn't to pricey and takes it up the wrong 'un then I would be more than grateful. I know that may have sounded a bit forward, but you do sound like the sort, Mr Moir.
Finally, I have found myself having to correspond with you during work time. This could ultimately lead to me getting fired (again). Now, I won't lie to you and pretend that I have a job of any value or importance - I think that would be insulting your intelligence given some of my previous comments. But I do earn a salary of £12 000. If this fiasco does lead to me losing my job, I envisage that it would be at least two years before I would be able to find another company foolish or desperate enough to hire me. This coupled with the fact that I am barred from the dole office (there was a small incident last year involving a badger, a homeless chap and lots and lots of custard, but that is not really important right now), means that I am going to be short of cash for a good while.
So just to re-cap, this is what I beleive I am owed by your company:
0.08p Noodle absence
£7.99 Sleeping tablets
£70.00 Half ounce of the chronic
£500.00 Wining and Dining
£50.00 Roofies
£2.25 Razzle
£160 Cheap wes
£4.99 KY Jelly
£24 000 Loss of earnings
Now, if my calculations are correct this totals £24 795.2308. Now you see what has happened here? A simple mistake in declaring noodle ingredients has led to you genuinely owing a genuine customer close to £25 000. However, I am a reasonable man. Therefore, I will be pleased to accept a £20 Tesco voucher instead. I am sure you will agree that you have got away lightly on this one!
So Mr Moir, I look forward to hearing your comments and offer of
recompense soon. But most of all, I want to know WHAT WAS IN MY NOODLES??
Yours sincerely
Darren
[/quote]
To whoever it may concern.
At approximately 12:40pm on the 28th April, I went in to your Tesco Metro branch in Exeter. It being the end of the month and me still not having fully recovered from being a student, headed directly for the cheapest price label I could view from 30 yards..... Aaaahhh - Chicken flavour instant noodles - 8p a bag - can't complain.
But later that evening, all went a little mysterious (not too dissimilar to Tales of the Unexpected by Roald Dahl - remember that?). I cooked the noodles precisely as the directions suggested - I have learnt my lesson from an undercooked Pot Noodle during one of my drug riddled student years. To be fair, the noodles were not too enjoyable, but certainly edible. Furthermore, they were not as instant as the name would suggest! They tasted a bit like chicken soup but with the texture of baby
poo - you know when it comes out green during the early years.
Anyway, that is not the subject of my complaint. You would not beleive my confusion, anger and frustration when I read the ingredients on the side of the packet. Honestly, I was so distraught, I dropped the spliff right out of my mouth into my special brew (for which a more anal person may try to claim compensation - I am certain John Lewis customers would lose sleep over such an unfortunate event). Anyway this was what was written on the side of the packet:
Ingredients:
92% Noodles
7% Seasoning
Now, I don't mean to sound condescending, but 92% + 7% = 99%. Honestly - try using a calculator - it came easy to me - I have a maths degree, but I understand that you are working for tesco and as such, probably have a below average IQ. In fact that is probably harsh. I am guessing that you don't work for Tesco, but probably for an outsourced call center spending each and every day losing a few more brain cells answering the same old complaints from the same old morons, with nothing better to do than write long winded emails about 8p noodles. If I am not mistaken, I reckon the highlight of your day may well be showing your colleagues comedy emails that muppets have sent you. I trust this enquiry will be treated with a little more respect, this being a serious query and
all.
Anyway, I am going off track. The point of my email is to discover what that extra 1% is in my noodles. Maybe you only sold me 99% of a pack (in which case, I will want a refund of 0.08p - in the form of a Tesco gift voucher if necessary), if not, it must be something, mustn't it? I have heard horror stories of human excrement, rat tails and even bits of Linda McCartney being used in economy food. I simply want your reassurence that I have not accidentally consumed the wife of an ex-Beatle (unless it was a chunk of Heather Mills' secret spare cheddar based leg - which in all fairness I doubt).
Could you please investigate this with the powers that be and get back to me at the earliest possible convenience. Alternatively, I will have no option to report this neglect of facts and poor customer service to the little known, but highly powerful publication, "Crap Noodles Crap Service Weekly". Be afraid - be very afraid!
I await your reply
Darren
REPLY:
Thank you for your email.
This problem is down to the QUID system (Quantitative Ingredients Declaration). Quid labelling is necessary to improve the accuracy and completeness oflabel information about the composition of foods.
The QUID declaration must be indicated in or immediately next to the name under which the product is sold unless a list of ingredients is voluntarily indicated on the label in which case the quantity may appear in the list. The quantity of the ingredient, expressed as a percentage, must correspond to the quantity of the ingredient(s) actually used in the preparation of the product.
The QUID requirement DOES NOT apply to constituents naturally present in foods and which have not been added as ingredients e.g. caffeine (in coffee)and vitamins and minerals (in fruit juices). QUID declarations are not needed in a number of cases, e.g. when products state the drained net weightor where an ingredient is used for purposes of flavouring.
Kind Regards
Wayne Moir
Customer Service Manager
AND THEN:
Dear Mr Moir
Thank you for your rather delayed and standard response. Whilst I enjoy learning about your QUID system and other internal TESCO policies, this does not really answer my question, does it?! I appreciate that this is not an easy query to answer and you have tried your best to fob me off with a reply that doesn't really relate to my query. Well guess what... I am not going to give up without an answer! So Mr Moir, what was in my noodles? What was that 1%? I demand
satisfaction!! I have been a loyal Tesco customer all of my life and never before have I received such poor customer service. Maybe you should take a leaf out
of Sainsbury's book? Their customer service is second to none and their noodles do not remind me of the contents of childrens nappies as yours do. Perhaps you could ask them for the recipe? Ok, maybe you pay a little more (9p a pack) but at least you are guaranteed 100% noodlage.So, Mr Moir, I feel that me and you have made a connection now, so I will be pleased if you will deal with my query personally. As much as I am sure that you are all equally capable of dealing with my enquiry, I would like to only correspond with yourself in future. Lucky you!! Now, I am sure that if you knew what my 1% of noodles was, then you wouldn't withhold such information (would you?). Clearly the problem is that you are not fully trained in the instant noodle department. I understand that Tesco need to cut costs at all given opportunity, but for your staff not to be trained in the principal constituents of economy pasta is just another example of losing touch with the common slob. Maybe a
field trip to the noodle factory would be in order? You could follow the whole noodle making process all the way from the underpaid immigrants preparing the noodles, to the underpaid spotty youth carelessly stacking it on the shelf. This way there would be no opportunity for anyone to add any "secret ingredients" to my noodles, or for 1% of them to be stolen without you seeing. Perhaps you could suggest this to your manager? Think about it Mr Moir, this will make everyone happy - I finally get
some sleep at night with 100% noodle satisfaction, and you get a free and exciting trip to the noodle factory. To be honest I am a little
jealous.
Ok, now on to the rather delicate matter of compensation. In my last email, I politely hinted that a 0.08p Tesco voucher may be appropriate, but you chose to ignore this point entirely. This matter has caused both myself and my family very much distress and inconvenience, and I feel I should be compensated accordingly.
Firstly, there is the matter of the 0.08p, I have been overcharged. I am assuming this will be refunded if I do not receive a satisfactory answer.
Then, there is the sleepless nights. When I do get to sleep all I dream about is noodles. Honestly it is terrifying. One day I am drowning in noodles, the next I am being chased by a big noodle monster... well 99% of one (looks a bit like Carlos Valderama actually). You won't beleive the amount of ganja I have to smoke in order to get a decent nights sleep. In the 2 weeks since the onset of this pasta-disaster, my cannabis consumption must have increased tenfold. See what this lack of
information does to our society. And, then there is the effect that this is having on my personal life. My girlfriend has left me for a drama student called Gerald, I mean
come on, who is called Gerald? w
ker. Apparently Gerald has a sensitive side. Gerald doesn't spend all day talking about noodles. Gerald doesn't spend his days emailing Tesco. Gerald has never taken a sh*t on his landlords doorstep. Whatever! Anyway, I hope you realise that this leaves me needing to find some new loving, which as you well know won't be cheap (or easy, given that I look like uncle Fester and have a bit of a noodle obsession). The money I am going to have to spend on romantic dinners, chocolates, wine, date rape drugs etc will be immense. And in the meantime, I am going to have to visit a lady of the night in order to get some - again this won't come cheap. If you can recommend anyone that isn't to pricey and takes it up the wrong 'un then I would be more than grateful. I know that may have sounded a bit forward, but you do sound like the sort, Mr Moir.Finally, I have found myself having to correspond with you during work time. This could ultimately lead to me getting fired (again). Now, I won't lie to you and pretend that I have a job of any value or importance - I think that would be insulting your intelligence given some of my previous comments. But I do earn a salary of £12 000. If this fiasco does lead to me losing my job, I envisage that it would be at least two years before I would be able to find another company foolish or desperate enough to hire me. This coupled with the fact that I am barred from the dole office (there was a small incident last year involving a badger, a homeless chap and lots and lots of custard, but that is not really important right now), means that I am going to be short of cash for a good while.
So just to re-cap, this is what I beleive I am owed by your company:
0.08p Noodle absence
£7.99 Sleeping tablets
£70.00 Half ounce of the chronic
£500.00 Wining and Dining
£50.00 Roofies
£2.25 Razzle
£160 Cheap w
es£4.99 KY Jelly
£24 000 Loss of earnings
Now, if my calculations are correct this totals £24 795.2308. Now you see what has happened here? A simple mistake in declaring noodle ingredients has led to you genuinely owing a genuine customer close to £25 000. However, I am a reasonable man. Therefore, I will be pleased to accept a £20 Tesco voucher instead. I am sure you will agree that you have got away lightly on this one!
So Mr Moir, I look forward to hearing your comments and offer of
recompense soon. But most of all, I want to know WHAT WAS IN MY NOODLES??
Yours sincerely
Darren
[/quote]
Nice
stefd said:
What a cocky pr1ck.
Spot the Tesco employee Daren said:
but I understand that you are working for tesco and as such, probably have a below average IQ.
Tesco are one of the UKs most successfuly companies...maths degree or no maths degree I know who's IQ I'd bet on being higher.
Size Nine Elm said:
stefd said:
What a cocky pr1ck.
Spot the Tesco employee Daren said:
but I understand that you are working for tesco and as such, probably have a below average IQ.
Tesco are one of the UKs most successfuly companies...maths degree or no maths degree I know who's IQ I'd bet on being higher.
. Wish there was a reply.Size Nine Elm said:
stefd said:
What a cocky pr1ck.
Spot the Tesco employee Daren said:
but I understand that you are working for tesco and as such, probably have a below average IQ.
Tesco are one of the UKs most successfuly companies...maths degree or no maths degree I know who's IQ I'd bet on being higher.Stevenj214 said:
Size Nine Elm said:
stefd said:
What a cocky pr1ck.
Spot the Tesco employee Daren said:
but I understand that you are working for tesco and as such, probably have a below average IQ.
Tesco are one of the UKs most successfuly companies...maths degree or no maths degree I know who's IQ I'd bet on being higher.
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