The Diary Of An Englishman Living In The Highlands

[mattsayle]

"Our First Winter"



DEC 20th

It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen

for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch

watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees

and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th

We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as

far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush

covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time

ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that

day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with

compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back

and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with

coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a

couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined

in their fun.

DEC 26th

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped

to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes

snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled the driveway again.

Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again.

Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.

JAN 1st

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became

ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our

cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th

Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work.

She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had

another 8 inches of white ste last night. Both vehicles are covered in

salt and iced up slush That bd snowplough came by twice today.

Where's that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th

More fking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been

damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to

death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly

torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd

degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a fking deer on the way to casualty and car was written off..

JAN 13th

fking bd white ste just keeps on coming down. Have to put on

every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little c*nts

next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that

carrot so far up the little bd's arse it'll take a good surgeon hours

to find it. If I ever catch the c*nt that drives the snowplough I'll chew

open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bd

hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he

accelerates down the street like Michael Schufkingmacher and buries the

fking driveway again.

JAN 17th

Sixteen more fking inches of fking snow and fking ice and fking

sleet and god knows what other white st fell last night. I am in court

in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick.

Can' t move my fking toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks.

Minus 20 and more fking snow forecast.

JAN 18th

fk THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO IMMINGHAM

[R60EST]

Are you related to Emsman ?

[mattsayle]

R60EST said:

Are you related to Emsman ?

Bugger. Not a repost is it?

(and no, I am not. Well I don't think so.....)

[R60EST]

mattsayle said:

R60EST said:

Are you related to Emsman ?

Bugger. Not a repost is it?

(and no, I am not. Well I don't think so.....)

He had the Monopoly on bad luck last year , including bbq > petrol > casualty incident

[mattsayle]

R60EST said:

mattsayle said:

R60EST said:

Are you related to Emsman ?

Bugger. Not a repost is it?

(and no, I am not. Well I don't think so.....)

He had the Monopoly on bad luck last year , including bbq > petrol > casualty incident

Ahhhhh that fella!!

Makes sense now!

[chimera40]

Yip, thats how we felt.

[ironictwist]

[Rude-boy]

So true it hurts!

[mybrainhurts]

Look on the bright side...

You can always befriend a sheep...

[Rollcage]

mybrainhurts said:

Look on the bright side...

You can always befriend a sheep...

Its finding the buggers in snow.....

[whitechief]

mybrainhurts said:

Look on the bright side...

You can always befriend a sheep...

He'll never find one in all that snow, they'll be in camoflague! ETA snap!

Edited by whitechief on Wednesday 20th January 00:45

[Rollcage]

OP - Dont you live in Cheshire?

[Drew b]

Edited this morning as my original post made no sense whatsoever.

Edited by Drew b on Wednesday 20th January 08:41

[mattsayle]

Rollcage said:

OP - Dont you live in Cheshire?

I do

I didnt write it! Found it and shared it

[andy_s]

'tis only a place for the hardy...

[K50 DEL]

Rude-boy said:

So true it hurts!

Tears running down my face in the office now... brilliant post!

[JMGS4]

mattsayle said:

"Our First Winter"



DEC 20th

It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen

for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch

watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees

and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th

We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as

far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush

covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time

ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that

day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with

compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back

and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with

coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a

couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined

in their fun.

DEC 26th

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped

to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes

snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled the driveway again.

Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again.

Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.

JAN 1st

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became

ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our

cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th

Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work.

She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had

another 8 inches of white ste last night. Both vehicles are covered in

salt and iced up slush That bd snowplough came by twice today.

Where's that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th

More fking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been

damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to

death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly

torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd

degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a fking deer on the way to casualty and car was written off..

JAN 13th

fking bd white ste just keeps on coming down. Have to put on

every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little c*nts

next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that

carrot so far up the little bd's arse it'll take a good surgeon hours

to find it. If I ever catch the c*nt that drives the snowplough I'll chew

open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bd

hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he

accelerates down the street like Michael Schufkingmacher and buries the

fking driveway again.

JAN 17th

Sixteen more fking inches of fking snow and fking ice and fking

sleet and god knows what other white st fell last night. I am in court

in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick.

Can' t move my fking toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks.

Minus 20 and more fking snow forecast.

JAN 18th

fk THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO IMMINGHAM

soft southern pansy twunts

[physprof]

its an old one but.....

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Gabriel the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds,
"Look Gabriel, look what I've made."

Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said,
"What is it?"

"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern
Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries.

And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly.
And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot.
Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe,
"What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's Scotland, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful snow capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty.
The people make a drink called Uisge Beatha or Whiskey which means "The Water of Life".
The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be
found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers.

Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then said
"You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely.
"Wait until you see the bds I'm putting next to them!".

[pits]

My cousin who lives in Scotland told me what happened to some English people he knew that moved to Scotland for the quite country life, get out of the major city.

First day they arrived, started to unpack the van, settee in, tv in etc, of course no fridge or freezer, and after a move across country you can't be arsed to cook, so they decided to eat out.

Sensible choice they thought as neither wanted Mcdonalds was to go to a chip shop, the guy straight away ordered fish and chips, whilst his wife pondered
"I don't want anything big, nor anything fried really....Ooh, I will have a pizza please"

The guy in the guy then picked up half a pizza and dropped it in the deep fat fryer.


You gotta love Scotland.

[LHD]

pits said:

My cousin who lives in Scotland told me what happened to some English people he knew that moved to Scotland for the quite country life, get out of the major city.

First day they arrived, started to unpack the van, settee in, tv in etc, of course no fridge or freezer, and after a move across country you can't be arsed to cook, so they decided to eat out.

Sensible choice they thought as neither wanted Mcdonalds was to go to a chip shop, the guy straight away ordered fish and chips, whilst his wife pondered
"I don't want anything big, nor anything fried really....Ooh, I will have a pizza please"

The guy in the guy then picked up half a pizza and dropped it in the deep fat fryer.


You gotta love Scotland.

We're very cultured up here.