OH struggling to cope with 2 small kids - any ideas?
Discussion
I have two wonderful boys with my other half, aged 18 months and 3 months. Frankly I couldn't be happier with them! But ever since our youngest was born, she's been really struggling to cope with looking after them on her own. I can sympathise with this, as I know it's hard work when I have them on my own if she goes out for dinner with her friends or whatnot, but it's making life very difficult - she is an utter dragon every day when I get home! I am fortunate enough to have quite flexible hours at the moment, but even the hours I can't avoid still earn me treatment like I've pissed in the kettle. Worse still are when I have to go out on days I was expecting to have off - unavoidable, but necessary if I'm to avoid having to work longer days overall (she's said it's better this way).
I very much appreciate that it's hard work, and stressful, but every day when I come home I'm generally treated as if I've just stumbled home from the pub for the 5th night in a row. I get snapped at, the silent treatment, looks of pure disdain, "I-told-you-so" looks (as if she asked me not to go out telling me how hard it would be for her, but I went anyway) and on the whole being treated like I'm a selfish b
d and I've been out doing what I please while lumbering her with the kids. It's incredibly stressful, frustrating and, frankly, makes me miserable. I now feel like I have to be out of the house for shortest time physically possible, despite the fact that I have several major projects on the go with different groups of people I need to have meetings with, which need to run their course - I end up hurrying everybody along and not giving it my full focus. In fact, about once a month or so I end up having to take the day off because, on the way out the door, she's broken down and said she can't deal with it; so I have to spend the day helping her and getting things back to normal.
Tonight was the worst it's been - I wanted to go to a local car meet, which she said was fine and even encouraged me to go when I later decided I didn't fancy it. She said she would like to come with me and pop into the shopping centre nearby, rather than stay at home with the kids - no problemo. Yet on the way there she starts getting quite huffy and dejected - and when it's finished and time to head home, once again she has transformed into Hell-Wife, biting my head off at every thing I say, and basically verbally assaulting me with every difficult thing our eldest has done, in a sort of "see what you made me put up with, you selfish prick" sort of tone. She genuinely encouraged me to go FFS! This remained for the entire (60min) journey home and my attempts to discuss that she's obviously struggling and how we can help the situation were met with snaps and nasty jibes ("Why don't you try doing it then" - I do have them both on my own, whenever she wishes - she goes out about once a month for an evening meal with her friends, which I encourage and have absolutely no problem with). She has since gone up to bed without speaking to me.
It's not always like this - we laugh many times every day and are generally a VERY happy couple!
Does anybody have any suggestions on where to go from here? There are some complicating factors:
She can't yet drive (she is taking the test again in a few months)
She can't really walk into town, it's too far
The nearest bus stop (and train station), is also in town
Taxis are very expensive (and she'd have to take our eldest's massive and bulky car seat with her wherever she went)
Her friends are somewhat flakey about coming over when she needs them to, and our family are all 80 miles away
She refuses to contemplate hiring anybody to help or taking them to nursery (we couldn't afford it at the moment anyway)
Surely someone has some ideas to help - I feel like I can't even go to work! It's going to get even worse next year when I will be getting an even less flexible job and she will have to put up with it 9-5 all week!
I very much appreciate that it's hard work, and stressful, but every day when I come home I'm generally treated as if I've just stumbled home from the pub for the 5th night in a row. I get snapped at, the silent treatment, looks of pure disdain, "I-told-you-so" looks (as if she asked me not to go out telling me how hard it would be for her, but I went anyway) and on the whole being treated like I'm a selfish b
d and I've been out doing what I please while lumbering her with the kids. It's incredibly stressful, frustrating and, frankly, makes me miserable. I now feel like I have to be out of the house for shortest time physically possible, despite the fact that I have several major projects on the go with different groups of people I need to have meetings with, which need to run their course - I end up hurrying everybody along and not giving it my full focus. In fact, about once a month or so I end up having to take the day off because, on the way out the door, she's broken down and said she can't deal with it; so I have to spend the day helping her and getting things back to normal.Tonight was the worst it's been - I wanted to go to a local car meet, which she said was fine and even encouraged me to go when I later decided I didn't fancy it. She said she would like to come with me and pop into the shopping centre nearby, rather than stay at home with the kids - no problemo. Yet on the way there she starts getting quite huffy and dejected - and when it's finished and time to head home, once again she has transformed into Hell-Wife, biting my head off at every thing I say, and basically verbally assaulting me with every difficult thing our eldest has done, in a sort of "see what you made me put up with, you selfish prick" sort of tone. She genuinely encouraged me to go FFS! This remained for the entire (60min) journey home and my attempts to discuss that she's obviously struggling and how we can help the situation were met with snaps and nasty jibes ("Why don't you try doing it then" - I do have them both on my own, whenever she wishes - she goes out about once a month for an evening meal with her friends, which I encourage and have absolutely no problem with). She has since gone up to bed without speaking to me.
It's not always like this - we laugh many times every day and are generally a VERY happy couple!
Does anybody have any suggestions on where to go from here? There are some complicating factors:
She can't yet drive (she is taking the test again in a few months)
She can't really walk into town, it's too far
The nearest bus stop (and train station), is also in town
Taxis are very expensive (and she'd have to take our eldest's massive and bulky car seat with her wherever she went)
Her friends are somewhat flakey about coming over when she needs them to, and our family are all 80 miles away
She refuses to contemplate hiring anybody to help or taking them to nursery (we couldn't afford it at the moment anyway)
Surely someone has some ideas to help - I feel like I can't even go to work! It's going to get even worse next year when I will be getting an even less flexible job and she will have to put up with it 9-5 all week!
I sympathise with you on this one. My wife looks after our 2 year old and I'm greeted by some of the things you are when I get home. I'm getting concerned about how difficult it will be when No.2 arrives in the next 6 weeks.
As your youngest is only 3 months, have you considered the possibility of post natal depression? I understand it can be quite damaging and triggered by some seemingly trivial things.
As your youngest is only 3 months, have you considered the possibility of post natal depression? I understand it can be quite damaging and triggered by some seemingly trivial things.
callisto said:
Tell the miserable bh to do your job in exchange for hers, watching Trasha and Jeremy Kyle.
Can't walk into town? How fat is she? suggest she loses some weight.
I'm sure the OP will value your input!h to do your job in exchange for hers, watching Trasha and Jeremy Kyle.Can't walk into town? How fat is she? suggest she loses some weight.
Its a pretty tough scenario. If its any consolation youre not the only one to suffer this and you most likely wont be the last. We have 3 daughters, who although are now 'grown up' were incredibly difficult when young. I was away 4 nights a week, trying to get a new business going, and wifey was left to bring them up , on her own. Family all lived over 200 miles away, so no support there.
All you can do is try and sit down and discuss this with her. It gets easier as the months go by, but I dont think you ever have the same relationship with the other half, after kids enter the fray!
Due largely to luck (good or bad, depending on your politics) I've been 'daycare' for our first, now seventeen months old. It is fantastic to spend so much time with your child, but also much, much harder than going out to work. Infants are relentless, and you are expected to do the housework too. Your partner now has to deal with one old enough to want to go exploring, and one that basically cannot move.
Nursery for the older one, at least a few days a week. Cleaner. More understanding.
hth
Nursery for the older one, at least a few days a week. Cleaner. More understanding.
hth
Edited by grumbledoak on Wednesday 17th March 23:58
Edited by grumbledoak on Wednesday 17th March 23:59
AndrewM said:
I sympathise with you on this one. My wife looks after our 2 year old and I'm greeted by some of the things you are when I get home. I'm getting concerned about how difficult it will be when No.2 arrives in the next 6 weeks.
As your youngest is only 3 months, have you considered the possibility of post natal depression? I understand it can be quite damaging and triggered by some seemingly trivial things.
2nd this one, PND was a big factor in our life for years, plenty of help out there or you can PM me.As your youngest is only 3 months, have you considered the possibility of post natal depression? I understand it can be quite damaging and triggered by some seemingly trivial things.
To be honest mate I would say some of this could be linked to post-natel (sp?) depression. My Girlfriends step-mum had this and was the same but probably even worse than this!
Try researching this on the internet and maybe getting some advice from the doctor or mid-wife on the quiet? Have you said anything to her about he mood swings/general moodiness? what was her reactions?
Try researching this on the internet and maybe getting some advice from the doctor or mid-wife on the quiet? Have you said anything to her about he mood swings/general moodiness? what was her reactions?
AndrewM said:
I sympathise with you on this one. My wife looks after our 2 year old and I'm greeted by some of the things you are when I get home. I'm getting concerned about how difficult it will be when No.2 arrives in the next 6 weeks.
As your youngest is only 3 months, have you considered the possibility of post natal depression? I understand it can be quite damaging and triggered by some seemingly trivial things.
As your youngest is only 3 months, have you considered the possibility of post natal depression? I understand it can be quite damaging and triggered by some seemingly trivial things.
E31Shrew said:
I'm sure the OP will value your input!
Its a pretty tough scenario. If its any consolation youre not the only one to suffer this and you most likely wont be the last. We have 3 daughters, who although are now 'grown up' were incredibly difficult when young. I was away 4 nights a week, trying to get a new business going, and wifey was left to bring them up , on her own. Family all lived over 200 miles away, so no support there.
All you can do is try and sit down and discuss this with her. It gets easier as the months go by, but I dont think you ever have the same relationship with the other half, after kids enter the fray!
Its a pretty tough scenario. If its any consolation youre not the only one to suffer this and you most likely wont be the last. We have 3 daughters, who although are now 'grown up' were incredibly difficult when young. I was away 4 nights a week, trying to get a new business going, and wifey was left to bring them up , on her own. Family all lived over 200 miles away, so no support there.
All you can do is try and sit down and discuss this with her. It gets easier as the months go by, but I dont think you ever have the same relationship with the other half, after kids enter the fray!
grumbledoak said:
Nursery for the older one, at least a few days a week. Cleaner. More understanding.
ymwoods said:
To be honest mate I would say some of this could be linked to post-natel (sp?) depression. My Girlfriends step-mum had this and was the same but probably even worse than this!
Try researching this on the internet and maybe getting some advice from the doctor or mid-wife on the quiet? Have you said anything to her about he mood swings/general moodiness? what was her reactions?
You definitely aren't alone Owen. It's not exactly the most openly shared topic among the lads, and I definitely could have written a very similar note to yours. Try researching this on the internet and maybe getting some advice from the doctor or mid-wife on the quiet? Have you said anything to her about he mood swings/general moodiness? what was her reactions?
I'm no doctor, but it sounds like PND and it is horrible for her and all around her. We have an 18 month old and 3 (almost 4) year old, and were pretty much suffering on our own for the last 18 months. Most of our friends who have any interest or understanding of kids and all our family are 400+ miles away.
For us, the issue was helped initially (through things getting so bad) by her speaking with her doctor, taking a short dose of subscribed medication, and subsequently talking to a female counsellor for a couple of sessions. Check out the web advice on PND, and seriously consider this for your family.
The guys above have all given brilliant advice so I won't re-type it. In addition make sure you create your own day/ evening time together to do adult things by getting babysitters. IMO the Cleaner and Nursery are definitely great suggestions as well. With her unable to get out easily, her sole contact is a child. No amount of shopping, rest, you taking over the responsibility, presents, highlighting the stress she is placing on you, will give much of a short term fix.
Keep talking, and try to be helping when she is in a 'listening mode' only. If she is down or depressed or angry, only arguements are likely. Spending some time with her mum worked for us, and this was the start of our 'break from the kids time'. Keep your chin up mate, it will naturally get better as the little ones get that much more independent too.
Edited by kiwifraser on Thursday 18th March 00:40
grumbledoak said:
Nursery for the older one, at least a few days a week. Cleaner. More understanding.
hth
Good suggestions. Don't forget at 3 years old he's entitled to a nursery grant for 2.5 hours a day free at any nursery (during term time). hth
Ignore me - I see the child is 3 months, not 3 years.
Edited by oldbanger on Thursday 18th March 00:47
another vote for PND here.
going through something very similar just now. its not her fault. and its not yours either. get some help from the doctor and care teams.
have a look here: www.pni.org.uk
going through something very similar just now. its not her fault. and its not yours either. get some help from the doctor and care teams.
have a look here: www.pni.org.uk
Edited by gedi on Thursday 18th March 01:17
gedi said:
another vote for PND here.
going through something very similar just now. its not her fault. and its not yours either. get some help from the doctor and care teams.
Yep. That would be my guess too.going through something very similar just now. its not her fault. and its not yours either. get some help from the doctor and care teams.
Kids is hard. There's no denying that. In fact, when they're young (especially as young as yours) they're a down-right nightmare (although the "worst" is yet to come) but I would seriously hazard a guess that PND is a massive factor for your missus. It's, sadly, incredibly common, especially in these "super-mum" days with super-nanny on t'TV etc.
The trouble for you is, by it's very nature, suggesting it to your wife is going to be hard. Have a think about how you can bring it up rather than wading in with "you're f
king mental, I reckon you've got PND!" (not that I'm suggesting you would!).Good luck dude. There's plenty of advice and help out there. It's getting the one that needs help to admit it that is the toughy.
On a serious note - talk to her. About this post.
Not literally that you posted on a forum about things (fk, no, don't do that), but I mean, sit her down and say everything you've said here.
Prep the ground too - I don't mean a "casual chat". But a "we need to talk", TV off, set time aside etc.
Not literally that you posted on a forum about things (f
k, no, don't do that), but I mean, sit her down and say everything you've said here.Prep the ground too - I don't mean a "casual chat". But a "we need to talk", TV off, set time aside etc.
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