'Respectable' jokes and anecdotes about women?

[warp9]

I'm doing a formal speech in a couple of weeks at a Round Table Ladies Night and need some suitable jokes, stories and anecdotes for the occassion. The only one I have so far is from a mate of mine who said his mrs is an angel. I said your a lucky man, mine is still alive.

Any ideas from the PH massive?

[jaybkay]

Why do women have such clean minds?...........because they change them so often.

[Size Nine Elm]

Some mornings I wake up grumpy.... other days I just let her sleep.

[eightseventhree]

I dont know any, but if you can slip in any reference to the OXO tower i'll buy you a pint!

Edited by eightseventhree on Thursday 1st April 14:15

[TonyHetherington]

Take my wife,.....please

[blindswelledrat]

eightseventhree said:

I dont know any, but if you can slip in any reference to the OXO tower i'll buy you a pint!

Edited by eightseventhree on Thursday 1st April 14:15

And I shall call you a tedious unoriginal tt and take two pints from you by force.

Take your pick

[Gaspode]

I was so pleased when I met my wife, I knew immediately I had found my "Miss Right". It was only later that I found out her first name was "Always".

[sleep envy]

stan baldwin is alive and well

[cs174]

Received these by email today:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_________________________


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

__________________________


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

__________________________


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

______________ ___________


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE


A woman has the last word in any argument..

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE
FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Cupid Stunt]

This is probably sexist but it's fairly clean:

How do you know when a woman's about to say something intelligent?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

[Don]

She was banging on the door and yelling and screaming so I eventually took pity on her, got up out of bed and let her out.

[JonRB]

cs174 said:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Fer]

blindswelledrat said:

eightseventhree said:

I dont know any, but if you can slip in any reference to the OXO tower i'll buy you a pint!

Edited by eightseventhree on Thursday 1st April 14:15

And I shall call you a tedious unoriginal tt and take two pints from you by force.

Take your pick

Oh, the irony... Now where are those pancakes?