Wedding Speeches again... Put-downs from Groom to Best Man?

[parapaul]

I get hitched this weekend

All set, uber-short speech written and prepared, but someone's let drop today that the best man may be slightly more scathing in his speech than I had gambled on...

Now, while I like to think I have a good sense of humour, insults and put-downs, even funny ones, don't come easily to me. So I'm here, cap in hand, to the PH masses - please!

Suggest me some one-line, funny, CLEAN put-downs that I can tag onto the end of my speech?

[mat13]

just glad you could make it mate, really enjoyed the stag do and hope its good news from the gu clinic

[Marcellus]

Something around bridesmaids and restraining orders?

[PD9]

mat13 said:

just glad you could make it mate, really enjoyed the stag do and hope its good news from the gu clinic

Pure PH!

[parapaul]

Marcellus said:

Something around bridesmaids and restraining orders?

mat13 said:

just glad you could make it mate, really enjoyed the stag do and hope its good news from the gu clinic

Excellent both of those could work... Any more?

[Dogwatch]

Everybody will be well stocked with alcohol so won't remember anything of your prize speech or the best man's. My FotB speech was a masterpiece, in my opinion , but who remembers it? No-one

Some of them won't even remember the wedding.

[anonymous-user]

"And as well as marrying the woman I love, I'd really like to say thanks to my best mate for being here to share the moment ..... sadly XXXX could't be here so I had to rope in YYYY as best man at the last minute".

Or similar, but funnier...

[don4l]

parapaul said:

Now, while I like to think I have a good sense of humour, insults and put-downs, even funny ones, don't come easily to me.

This is YOUR big day. Everybody will know that YOU are the lucky one.

On your wedding day, you are the luckiest man on the planet. Everybody is madly jealous of your good fortune.

It is the Best Man's job to insult you... to make everybody else feel a bit less "unlucky" in life.

You really should feel a little less "precious". Your wife should be the centre of attention... not you!

Don
--

[grumbledoak]

Be brief. Be thankful. Be seated.

Don't try to be funny if it doesn't come naturally. The audience will forgive nerves, they may have been there themselves. Bad jokes, however, are like bad singing.

[hman]

Yeah, my best mans speech was leaked to me prior to my wedding. It wasnt just scathing it was full of outright lies which were neither funny nor in good taste.


My best man didnt get to make the speech on the day- a much better friend took his place after I made it clear that as he was still intending to use his leaked speech he should go home.

I haven't spoken to him since(6 years ago)


Still the wedding day was brilliant, my wife was centre of attention and the best mans speech went even better seeing as the new best man (who I should have chosen over the other mate by a long shot) had an hour to get his act together and come up with an impromptu speech which was funny, factual - he did so and got a standing ovation.


The opening line was "I've had an hour to think up this speech, I shall now drink this quadruple vodka - lets see how long it is until I get kicked out!"

[zcacogp]

hman said:

Stuff

Interesting. I had a very similar experience, although the point of dispute wasn't around speeches.

Stand-in Best Man was asked to do the duty the evening before the wedding, so he had about half a day's notice. And did a particularly fine job of it.


Oli.

[monthefish]

Nyphur said:

"And as well as marrying the woman I love, I'd really like to say thanks to my best mate for being here to share the moment ..... sadly XXXX could't be here so I had to rope in YYYY as best man at the last minute".

Or similar, but funnier...

Nearly, but the above doesn't quite work (bold bits contradict).

Better, saying "I was glad to be able to ask my best friend to be my best man...

...but he was busy so I got YYYY to do it instead"

[williamp]

With my best man I reminded him that children and granny would be present, and left it to him. He was sensible enough to gauge the level just right.

I have been to one wedding where the best man ddi a very good visual gag. Do you remmeber the old computer paper which was joined at the bottom, so it formed one contiuous reel?? Somehow he got hold of some. So, he stood up, and mentionned that he had asked everyone to e-mail him funny or embarasing stories about the Groom. And I have them here...

The audience sees one piece of paper, which the Groom the let the rest drop to the floor. A good gag, and one which implies there is lots of dirt on the Groom, although none of the speech contained anythigng bad

[pmanson]

williamp said:

The audience sees one piece of paper, which the Groom the let the rest drop to the floor. A good gag, and one which implies there is lots of dirt on the Groom, although none of the speech contained anythigng bad

My Best Man did something similar but with a toilet roll.

When I did my speech I just finished off by saying... I'm now going to hand over to my best Man Andy... who is a well known habitual lier

Got a giggle and off he went with his speech

[monthefish]

pmanson said:

williamp said:

The audience sees one piece of paper, which the Groom the let the rest drop to the floor. A good gag, and one which implies there is lots of dirt on the Groom, although none of the speech contained anythigng bad

My Best Man did something similar but with a toilet roll.

Been done a few times.

You could use

"I'd just like to say that whatever xxxxx is about to tell you is completely made up and ficticious in the extreme.

I'd like to be able to say that, but I'd be lying if I did."

Edited by monthefish on Tuesday 13th April 13:44

[Caruso]

I used "It makes a nice change to see you in a suit and not due in front of a magistrate."

[DrTre]

"Thanks to my best man for taking care of my ring so carefully this morning."

[Whitean3]

pmanson said:

When I did my speech I just finished off by saying... I'm now going to hand over to my best Man Andy... who is a well known habitual liar

Got a giggle and off he went with his speech

I did this too; however, I was fortunate in that I was my Best man's Best man at his wedding 3 years earlier, so got my revengew in first! I also said something along the lines of "I expect the payback to be brutal..."

BM did a great job of making everyone laugh, embarassing me etc., just as I did to him 3 years earlier.

[JRM]

One thing to avoid is a groom I saw start his speech by saying, "It's strange to now say I am married and I've been playing with my ring ever since the ceremony"

No one heard the rest of the speech.

[Ed]

My brother went for 'today lives in history for two events...firstly it is the day William the Conquer first stepped foot on British soil in 1066, the other... the day you hear the worlds funniest and most articulate best mans speech ever...no presssure then mate!'