MIL issue (part 2)
Discussion
Folks,
A few weeks ago I was on the verge of divorcing my wife. I had enough of being put 2nd in the marriage to her family and other bits and bobs. Anyway when I told her that I want a divorce she called her mother around. The MIL came round and by that point I had already said we can work it out. The MIL started going on about how divorce is a good idea and that as the marriage did not have my mothers blessings it was cursed from day one.
I said that such a comment was nonsense and such ‘curse’ comments are mainly used by witches. I then went on the explain that the MIL was the main reason for my unhappiness and listed out 3-4 points highlighting how her interference and overbearing behaviour has suffocated my privacy.
She then began to insult me as follows;
1. Their family don’t like me at all and think I am an ass
2. no wonder you turned out like you did when your mother is like so
3. You live like people did 200 years ago.
4. you should have married a Pakistani girl rather then my daughter (the wife is a British born lass with Indian roots)
5. you have no friends and have issues keeping relationships
6. She went on to say that she is not the problem and the problem is with me.
After the string of insults I told her to keep her worthless opinions to herself and also to close the door on the way out. When I look at the insults I don’t care about family opinions and I disagree with the rest of ther points.
The wife is really upset that I spoke to her mother the way I did; I had explain to the MIL that she was a big issue as my wife did not tell her herself even though I had told the wife so many times.
The wife wants me to apologise to the MIL and I tbh I really don’t think I want to after the insult 2 and 4 and generally the level of interactions and interfereance I have had with the family over the past 4 years. It has really got to me. I am being careful here. My mother is now back in my life after 4 years absence and I do not want to create issues between my wife and my mother, they met for the first time 4 weeks ago.
What would you folks do? Any serious advice?
A few weeks ago I was on the verge of divorcing my wife. I had enough of being put 2nd in the marriage to her family and other bits and bobs. Anyway when I told her that I want a divorce she called her mother around. The MIL came round and by that point I had already said we can work it out. The MIL started going on about how divorce is a good idea and that as the marriage did not have my mothers blessings it was cursed from day one.
I said that such a comment was nonsense and such ‘curse’ comments are mainly used by witches. I then went on the explain that the MIL was the main reason for my unhappiness and listed out 3-4 points highlighting how her interference and overbearing behaviour has suffocated my privacy.
She then began to insult me as follows;
1. Their family don’t like me at all and think I am an ass
2. no wonder you turned out like you did when your mother is like so
3. You live like people did 200 years ago.
4. you should have married a Pakistani girl rather then my daughter (the wife is a British born lass with Indian roots)
5. you have no friends and have issues keeping relationships
6. She went on to say that she is not the problem and the problem is with me.
After the string of insults I told her to keep her worthless opinions to herself and also to close the door on the way out. When I look at the insults I don’t care about family opinions and I disagree with the rest of ther points.
The wife is really upset that I spoke to her mother the way I did; I had explain to the MIL that she was a big issue as my wife did not tell her herself even though I had told the wife so many times.
The wife wants me to apologise to the MIL and I tbh I really don’t think I want to after the insult 2 and 4 and generally the level of interactions and interfereance I have had with the family over the past 4 years. It has really got to me. I am being careful here. My mother is now back in my life after 4 years absence and I do not want to create issues between my wife and my mother, they met for the first time 4 weeks ago.
What would you folks do? Any serious advice?
Lostprophet said:
Anyway when I told her that I want a divorce she called her mother around.
Lostprophet said:
What would you folks do? Any serious advice?
Got it all there in the first line really, in a nutshell.You wife needs to choose between you, and her interfering, opinionated, rude, selfish b
h of a mother.HTH.
Me and my mum aren't the closest of people, but she is my mother, for that she will always have my respect and love
She has been very very wrong about exes in the past saying they were no good, came from poor stock etc etc
Then funnily enough over the passage of time she has been proved right
Mothers know and with the utmost respect are you saying she is completely wrong on all these points? Honestly? Or if you look deep down can you see a small bit of reason in what she is saying and that's what rankles?
She has been very very wrong about exes in the past saying they were no good, came from poor stock etc etc
Then funnily enough over the passage of time she has been proved right
Mothers know and with the utmost respect are you saying she is completely wrong on all these points? Honestly? Or if you look deep down can you see a small bit of reason in what she is saying and that's what rankles?
I can't help but feel that your intitial threat of divorce might have triggered the MIL's parental instincts 
I mean, what would you expect her to do? back you up and give her daughter a good shoeing? Her insults are like most of those presented by a woman in a row (I know from experience 
); they rarely stand up to logical scrutiny but are fired out like a machine gun, hoping that some will hit; a bit like verbal strafing. Totaly disregard her input and do what's right for you and your partner.
I mean, what would you expect her to do? back you up and give her daughter a good shoeing? Her insults are like most of those presented by a woman in a row (I know from experience ); they rarely stand up to logical scrutiny but are fired out like a machine gun, hoping that some will hit; a bit like verbal strafing. Totaly disregard her input and do what's right for you and your partner.Edited by 911motorsport on Friday 30th April 12:35
Well I got her brother in to help discuss things between my wife and I as we tend not to make progress; the wife and I are both stubborn. The wife generally as she has no sense of responsibility to me or the household and I am stubborn because I want things to be done a certai way; i.e the house should be clean and there is no reason to have it in a tip and then run off to your family.
The solutions are as such:
1. Within the year we are moving away from where we live (the mil is very close) and moving nearer to my mother. Will atleast 3 miles away from her (the wife does not want to move to the same part of town as my mother, i do as my mother is my responsibility).
2. The wife realises she puts me 2nd and will change; no sorry for her behaviour though.
3. The Mil will step away and give us space (according to the brother in law).
The solutions are as such:
1. Within the year we are moving away from where we live (the mil is very close) and moving nearer to my mother. Will atleast 3 miles away from her (the wife does not want to move to the same part of town as my mother, i do as my mother is my responsibility).
2. The wife realises she puts me 2nd and will change; no sorry for her behaviour though.
3. The Mil will step away and give us space (according to the brother in law).
Edited by Lostprophet on Friday 30th April 12:37
what happens when you and your wife discuss the MIL?
Do you come to an agreement or is it always an arguement?
What does she say when you say the MIL is round too much?
What was her answer to the question 'why did you invite your mother round when we are discussing our relationship?'
It does sound like she has never made a decision by herself, also why did you not spot this before you married her?
Do you come to an agreement or is it always an arguement?
What does she say when you say the MIL is round too much?
What was her answer to the question 'why did you invite your mother round when we are discussing our relationship?'
It does sound like she has never made a decision by herself, also why did you not spot this before you married her?
randlemarcus said:
What's your considered response to each of the points she raised?
As regards your wife not having a pop at her mother at your behest, do bear in mind that you have the problem with her, and your wife may well not have a problem with her mother. You never know, she may even like her.
1. Their family don’t like me at all and think I am an assAs regards your wife not having a pop at her mother at your behest, do bear in mind that you have the problem with her, and your wife may well not have a problem with her mother. You never know, she may even like her.
The inlaws have been overstepping their limits from day one! Frankly who cares what they think!
LP:I do get on with my wifes sister/brothers. its the extended family who cause the issues and the MIL too!
2. no wonder you turned out like you did when your mother is like so
LP: The mil has turned my point on me! I said the wife swears and does not realise her responsibilty as the mother has not taught her daughter much!
3. You live like people did 200 years ago.
LP: If keeping the house clean and not allowing MTV to be allowed into the house is living 200 years ago then so be it. I do not like semi-naked ladies to be dancing around on my TV; it will sends wrong messages to my son!
4. you should have married a Pakistani girl rather then my daughter (the wife is a British born lass with Indian roots)
LP: I feel the MIL thinks as she is Indian, she is above Pakistanis. My view; b
h.5. you have no friends and have issues keeping relationships
LP: I cut ties with certain members of my wifes family due to their rudeness.
6. She went on to say that she is not the problem and the problem is with me.
LP: Yes the problem is with me; the problem is the MIL.
As pointed out by a fellow PHer above, the logic is poor and is just really random insults!
[quote=Lostprophet]Well I got her brother in to help discuss things between my wife and I as we tend not to make progress; the wife and I are both stubborn. The wife generally as she has no sense of responsibility to me or the household and I am stubborn because I want things to be done a certai way; i.e the house should be clean and there is no reason to have it in a tip and then run off to your family.
The solutions are as such:
1. Within the year we are moving away from where we live (the mil is very close) and moving nearer to my mother. Will atleast 3 miles away from her (the wife does not want to move to the same part of town as my mother, i do as my mother is my responsibility).
2. The wife realises she puts me 2nd and will change; no sorry for her behaviour though.
3. The Mil will step away and give us space (according to the brother in law).[quote]
The best piece of relationship advice I was ever given was (from my mother, funnily enough!) never, ever, let someone come between my wife/girlfriend and I - not even mothers. You're talking about outside influences upon a relationship between just two people. It is up to the two of you to determine how much disruption these influences have upon you as a couple. If you can't exercise the discipline to regulate those outside influences then you're in for trouble.
In a nutshell, your wife should tell her mother to respect her choice of husband or shut her face. Likewise, she should expect you to assert yourself with your family in a likewise manner if the need should arise.
Hope you manage to work things out.
The solutions are as such:
1. Within the year we are moving away from where we live (the mil is very close) and moving nearer to my mother. Will atleast 3 miles away from her (the wife does not want to move to the same part of town as my mother, i do as my mother is my responsibility).
2. The wife realises she puts me 2nd and will change; no sorry for her behaviour though.
3. The Mil will step away and give us space (according to the brother in law).[quote]
The best piece of relationship advice I was ever given was (from my mother, funnily enough!) never, ever, let someone come between my wife/girlfriend and I - not even mothers. You're talking about outside influences upon a relationship between just two people. It is up to the two of you to determine how much disruption these influences have upon you as a couple. If you can't exercise the discipline to regulate those outside influences then you're in for trouble.
In a nutshell, your wife should tell her mother to respect her choice of husband or shut her face. Likewise, she should expect you to assert yourself with your family in a likewise manner if the need should arise.
Hope you manage to work things out.
ali_kat said:
I would hope that you DO come 2nd in your wife's prorities!
Her first priority should be you your son - as should yours!
You don't seem to have considered him at all in your threats to leave/complaints about your MIL
The son is a new arrival and thanks for pointing it out. Indeed his needs come first!Her first priority should be you your son - as should yours!
You don't seem to have considered him at all in your threats to leave/complaints about your MIL
My point being is her family come before me and have done for 4 years now!
If you love your wife and want to remain with her, apologise to your MIL.
Your apology should be worded in such a way that you're not admitting you were wrong, more apologising for speaking to her in a derogatory way.
You seem on a bit of a mission to prove that your MIL is an interfering witch and getting her family (including your wife) to agree with you. You will fail - she's their family - they'll never agree with you.
Lose this battle but win the war over time. Be patient, move to a neutral location (equidistant from her family and yours) and set up ground rules from there.
If you persist in the feud with your MIL you'll eventually lose your wife.
Your apology should be worded in such a way that you're not admitting you were wrong, more apologising for speaking to her in a derogatory way.
You seem on a bit of a mission to prove that your MIL is an interfering witch and getting her family (including your wife) to agree with you. You will fail - she's their family - they'll never agree with you.
Lose this battle but win the war over time. Be patient, move to a neutral location (equidistant from her family and yours) and set up ground rules from there.
If you persist in the feud with your MIL you'll eventually lose your wife.
Animal said:
Lostprophet said:
Well I got her brother in to help discuss things between my wife and I as we tend not to make progress; the wife and I are both stubborn. The wife generally as she has no sense of responsibility to me or the household and I am stubborn because I want things to be done a certai way; i.e the house should be clean and there is no reason to have it in a tip and then run off to your family.
The solutions are as such:
1. Within the year we are moving away from where we live (the mil is very close) and moving nearer to my mother. Will atleast 3 miles away from her (the wife does not want to move to the same part of town as my mother, i do as my mother is my responsibility).
2. The wife realises she puts me 2nd and will change; no sorry for her behaviour though.
3. The Mil will step away and give us space (according to the brother in law).[quote]
The best piece of relationship advice I was ever given was (from my mother, funnily enough!) never, ever, let someone come between my wife/girlfriend and I - not even mothers. You're talking about outside influences upon a relationship between just two people. It is up to the two of you to determine how much disruption these influences have upon you as a couple. If you can't exercise the discipline to regulate those outside influences then you're in for trouble.
In a nutshell, your wife should tell her mother to respect her choice of husband or shut her face. Likewise, she should expect you to assert yourself with your family in a likewise manner if the need should arise.
Hope you manage to work things out.
Animal; good advise.The solutions are as such:
1. Within the year we are moving away from where we live (the mil is very close) and moving nearer to my mother. Will atleast 3 miles away from her (the wife does not want to move to the same part of town as my mother, i do as my mother is my responsibility).
2. The wife realises she puts me 2nd and will change; no sorry for her behaviour though.
3. The Mil will step away and give us space (according to the brother in law).[quote]
The best piece of relationship advice I was ever given was (from my mother, funnily enough!) never, ever, let someone come between my wife/girlfriend and I - not even mothers. You're talking about outside influences upon a relationship between just two people. It is up to the two of you to determine how much disruption these influences have upon you as a couple. If you can't exercise the discipline to regulate those outside influences then you're in for trouble.
In a nutshell, your wife should tell her mother to respect her choice of husband or shut her face. Likewise, she should expect you to assert yourself with your family in a likewise manner if the need should arise.
Hope you manage to work things out.
I need to speak to my MIL again; I need to be firm but still say sorries which are due. Lol. That should be quite hard to do!
Muzzer said:
If you love your wife and want to remain with her, apologise to your MIL.
Your apology should be worded in such a way that you're not admitting you were wrong, more apologising for speaking to her in a derogatory way.
You seem on a bit of a mission to prove that your MIL is an interfering witch and getting her family (including your wife) to agree with you. You will fail - she's their family - they'll never agree with you.
Lose this battle but win the war over time. Be patient, move to a neutral location (equidistant from her family and yours) and set up ground rules from there.
If you persist in the feud with your MIL you'll eventually lose your wife.
That is sound advice my friends. thank you. Lose the battle but win the war.Your apology should be worded in such a way that you're not admitting you were wrong, more apologising for speaking to her in a derogatory way.
You seem on a bit of a mission to prove that your MIL is an interfering witch and getting her family (including your wife) to agree with you. You will fail - she's their family - they'll never agree with you.
Lose this battle but win the war over time. Be patient, move to a neutral location (equidistant from her family and yours) and set up ground rules from there.
If you persist in the feud with your MIL you'll eventually lose your wife.
Thanks for pointing out how to deal with the MIL. That is what I was after! Cheers.
sday12 said:
Lostprophet said:
Anyway when I told her that I want a divorce she called her mother around.
Lostprophet said:
What would you folks do? Any serious advice?
Got it all there in the first line really, in a nutshell.You wife needs to choose between you, and her interfering, opinionated, rude, selfish b
h of a mother.HTH.
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