Dealing with death of a neighbour... advice wanted
Discussion
I have just received news that my neighbour has passed away. Said neighbours sons girlfriend just knocked the door to inform us. Poor lady had been suffering with the big C for a while now so maybe it's a releif she is out of her pain.
What do i do? I don't have a clue with how white people deal with death! It sounds silly but i've never had any connection with the death of white folk at all. Being a Muslim i know the drill with Muslims deaths all too well however in this case i'm genuinely clueless.
Do i send a card? When?
Shall i knock the door and speak to neighbours son? It was the son that told his girlfriend to break the news to the immediate neighbours. So he knows that i know but when would be the best time to pay my respects and to show him i acknowledge his suffering. What could i say and most importantly what should i not say (no silly ones please)
Any advice will be appreciated.
The funeral - When is it usually? I know with Muslim deaths the funeral is almost straight away. Do i need to buy a black suit? Do i bring flowers? Is it usually at a church and what about the burial?
Once again peeps any advice is appreciated.
What do i do? I don't have a clue with how white people deal with death! It sounds silly but i've never had any connection with the death of white folk at all. Being a Muslim i know the drill with Muslims deaths all too well however in this case i'm genuinely clueless.
Do i send a card? When?
Shall i knock the door and speak to neighbours son? It was the son that told his girlfriend to break the news to the immediate neighbours. So he knows that i know but when would be the best time to pay my respects and to show him i acknowledge his suffering. What could i say and most importantly what should i not say (no silly ones please)
Any advice will be appreciated.
The funeral - When is it usually? I know with Muslim deaths the funeral is almost straight away. Do i need to buy a black suit? Do i bring flowers? Is it usually at a church and what about the burial?
Once again peeps any advice is appreciated.
Sympathy card asap. Just put something on it, like 'thinking of you at this difficult time'
Deliver card by hand and ask to be kept informed of funeral arrangements - sometimes upto a week later.
Turn up at funeral and the wake if invited.
Remember the great Viz top tip:
Take care when attending a funeral there's only a couple of letters between somber and sombrero
Deliver card by hand and ask to be kept informed of funeral arrangements - sometimes upto a week later.
Turn up at funeral and the wake if invited.
Remember the great Viz top tip:
Take care when attending a funeral there's only a couple of letters between somber and sombrero
Tyre Smoke said:
Sympathy card asap. Just put something on it, like 'thinking of you at this difficult time'
Deliver card by hand and ask to be kept informed of funeral arrangements - sometimes upto a week later.
Turn up at funeral and the wake if invited.
Good advice Also, ask if there is anything you can do to help- they'll have a wake afterwards which might be at the house. If it is, offer to make space for guests to park.Deliver card by hand and ask to be kept informed of funeral arrangements - sometimes upto a week later.
Turn up at funeral and the wake if invited.
If you are invited to the wake, enjoy yourself. It may sound strange, but people will want to remember the good times, and they will want to try and enjoy it.
I've been to far too many funerals.
Custom varies substantially. If they are religious then the funeral service will be at a church, however it's quite possible that a simple service will be held instead at the local crematorium, most of which also have burial plots as well as the high heat option.
No-one will moan if you turn up in sombre clothing rather than a black suit, however a plain dark suit should be in every mans wardrobe. Just make sure you buy one that the waist can be let out on as you get older and fatter.
Ask the son if you can be of any assistance.
Custom varies substantially. If they are religious then the funeral service will be at a church, however it's quite possible that a simple service will be held instead at the local crematorium, most of which also have burial plots as well as the high heat option.
No-one will moan if you turn up in sombre clothing rather than a black suit, however a plain dark suit should be in every mans wardrobe. Just make sure you buy one that the waist can be let out on as you get older and fatter.
Ask the son if you can be of any assistance.
Well Mrs Shaid told me to knock the door and just tell the son that we are there for him. I did so, the poor chap is in a right state (obviously), i told him i'm only next door and if there is anything he needs just tell me. He told me he will call me up on that for definite.
Shall i still drop a card through the letterbox?
(ps ^^^ thanks for that)
Shall i still drop a card through the letterbox?
(ps ^^^ thanks for that)
I'm sure a card would be appreciated and if you feel like paying your respects I'm sure you would be very welcome at the funeral. Give the family a few days to grieve and then perhaps knock on whilst delivering the card and express your sadness for their loss and say you would like to be informed of the funeral arrangements so you may pay your respects.
Black suit not necessary, just dress smartly and respectfully. If you have a suit by all means wear it. It's not a fashion show, just an opportunity to celebrate a life and mourn a loss.
Black suit not necessary, just dress smartly and respectfully. If you have a suit by all means wear it. It's not a fashion show, just an opportunity to celebrate a life and mourn a loss.
When my Dad passed away last year I remember we had all the curtains closed in the house, and had a flower in the window.. I'm not sure why, I can't remember who put it there.
Somehow the news got round the neighbours, and we had a few cards and if they saw us outside they'd just let us know if we needed anything we can ask them for help.
That was it really, most of the ones we knew came to the funeral which was nice for us.
So yeah, a card is nice for the family, even if they don't ask for any help at all just that you offered if nice.
Yep, black suit white shirt, black tie, usually..
Funeral is a week later mostly, sometimes longer due to bookings or death complications so post mortems etc.
Somehow the news got round the neighbours, and we had a few cards and if they saw us outside they'd just let us know if we needed anything we can ask them for help.
That was it really, most of the ones we knew came to the funeral which was nice for us.
So yeah, a card is nice for the family, even if they don't ask for any help at all just that you offered if nice.
Yep, black suit white shirt, black tie, usually..
Funeral is a week later mostly, sometimes longer due to bookings or death complications so post mortems etc.
Edited by Jonny671 on Tuesday 18th May 22:40
Depends on how well you knew her (imho). If it were just to say "Hello" over the garden fence, I'd drop a card / note through the letterbox to say something along the lines of "Sorry for your loss, your mother was a lovely neighbour and will be much missed by all of us" and leave it at that.
People deal with bereavement in different ways in 'English' society: there aren't the ritualised grieving processes and protocols as in other cultures. Some families want the entire neighbourhood round, others don't. I'd wait to be asked, personally.
People deal with bereavement in different ways in 'English' society: there aren't the ritualised grieving processes and protocols as in other cultures. Some families want the entire neighbourhood round, others don't. I'd wait to be asked, personally.
Shaid GTB said:
Well Mrs Shaid told me to knock the door and just tell the son that we are there for him. I did so, the poor chap is in a right state (obviously), i told him i'm only next door and if there is anything he needs just tell me. He told me he will call me up on that for definite.
Good work, sometimes we worry so much about doing and saying the 'right' thing that we don't say anything at all. It's better to completely ham fistedley let someone know that you are thinking of/or are there for them than do nothing at all. I'm sure your gesture is very much appreciated!
Mobile Chicane
^^^^^
You got a point there.... So tomorrow i'll drop a card and leave it at that. If i'm invited to funeral or wake then i'll attend otherwise i'll leave it at that. I think that would be the best thing to do, that way neighbour knows that i'm willing to help but at the same time i won't be in his space which he will no doubt need a lot of it at the moment.
Thanks B17NNS
^^^^^
You got a point there.... So tomorrow i'll drop a card and leave it at that. If i'm invited to funeral or wake then i'll attend otherwise i'll leave it at that. I think that would be the best thing to do, that way neighbour knows that i'm willing to help but at the same time i won't be in his space which he will no doubt need a lot of it at the moment.
Thanks B17NNS
Edited by anonymous-user on Tuesday 18th May 22:47
Edited by anonymous-user on Tuesday 18th May 22:48
Unfortunately I have suffered a few neighbours dying recently and its rather sad. It all varies according to situation and circumstance, but I guess the following should be fine as a guide:
1) Card and maybe flowers if you get the chance - deffo card as mentioned already, just drop it in
2) Mention, either in the card or in person if you get the chance, that you can help - probably wont get called upon, but its amazing how even the smallest thing can really help in these situations. Could be something as daft as watering the plants!
3) Wait to be invited to any funeral - maybe you will, maybe you wont. If invited, do turn up though, even if its just for the service. If you are informed about the service (i.e. not directly invited) its your choice, but its always good to show a caring local face if you can
4) Dont be intrusive, but if possible just offer to move cars and stuff on the day of the funeral if they are having anything back at the house - again, may or may not happen, but again, the small things really help.
5) Just be a good neighbour
Its a sad situation and can be very awkward. Like I mentioned, had a few die around me in the last 3 years.
1) Card and maybe flowers if you get the chance - deffo card as mentioned already, just drop it in
2) Mention, either in the card or in person if you get the chance, that you can help - probably wont get called upon, but its amazing how even the smallest thing can really help in these situations. Could be something as daft as watering the plants!
3) Wait to be invited to any funeral - maybe you will, maybe you wont. If invited, do turn up though, even if its just for the service. If you are informed about the service (i.e. not directly invited) its your choice, but its always good to show a caring local face if you can
4) Dont be intrusive, but if possible just offer to move cars and stuff on the day of the funeral if they are having anything back at the house - again, may or may not happen, but again, the small things really help.
5) Just be a good neighbour
Its a sad situation and can be very awkward. Like I mentioned, had a few die around me in the last 3 years.
I would just like to comment as I lost my father a month ago. My mother had many people phoning and calling round just after he passed away but she is now on her own although we do phone and visit as often as we can. Please make sure that you do not just go to the funeral/ wake and then forget your neighbour, she will need support going ahead.
James P said:
I would just like to comment as I lost my father a month ago. My mother had many people phoning and calling round just after he passed away but she is now on her own although we do phone and visit as often as we can. Please make sure that you do not just go to the funeral/ wake and then forget your neighbour, she will need support going ahead.
This. 100%.
Everyone at the funeral said they'd always be there bla bla.. I'd say 10% have spoken to me since the funeral.
Sorry to hear about your father, James.
I think there's already lots of decent advice here....
My neighbours wife died last year - a lovely lady (RIP Sue) - whilst we are pretty close, the funeral was a family only affair (so don't be offended if you're not asked to attend).
There was a wake at the house which we were invited to....
As already said, take a card around and say that you're very sorry to have the news and that 'if there's anything I can do to help...'. Also do remember the husband after the funeral - I mean in the months ahead. He'll be devastated and the occasional visit would probably be welcome.
Is there a token or gift of any sort that Muslims would pass on at the death of family member? It might be a nice idea (if there is such a thing) to give to your neighbour - explaining to him how your faith marks the passing.
t, did driving etc and just let mate in question know "Strong shoulder, for anything, mate"Garlick said:
I've given this thread a quick trim to remove some idiotic posts.
Good man, hope you booted some arses too?Shaid, don't expect a formal invite, check the local paper for funeral details and feel free to attend. Family wishes shall be outlined in the funeral notice with regards flowers etc. Wear what you would for a fellow Muslims passing, it will be appreciated.
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