What has just happened? My mind is a mush.
Discussion
Always hard to tell what the truth is (ie from her side - not suggesting you are making this up) in these situations but it strikes me that you are going to be unable to help her in the long term and its likely that you'll jeopardise your own marriage should you try to.
Hard as it may be, I think you should walk away.
Hard as it may be, I think you should walk away.
Are you sure you read up on bipolar?
Clicking OK on a text is not quite so simple.
Quick summary, she told her OH what was happening, that she had someone to speak to to IE you. OH thinks something going on, hence no contact.
Although in truth, you are having an affair. Just because it is not physical doesn't mean it isn't an affair.
Clicking OK on a text is not quite so simple.
Quick summary, she told her OH what was happening, that she had someone to speak to to IE you. OH thinks something going on, hence no contact.
Although in truth, you are having an affair. Just because it is not physical doesn't mean it isn't an affair.
Edited by elster on Monday 5th July 17:10
bewildered said:
I am married ......
.......'sorry, but for personal reasons I shall not be in touch any more please accept this'.
Walk away now, and sponsor a child in deepest darkest Africa instead........'sorry, but for personal reasons I shall not be in touch any more please accept this'.
You meant to do well, and you have, you've done more than anyone reading this thread will have done.
i can't help but feel you had another motive here. It's very odd that you got talking to her at a bar and then went for coffee. Where was your wife at this time? Where was her OH when you went back for coffee? How come she felt she could talk to you about her condition so early on? Are you having problems at home and out looking for other company?
bewildered said:
BiPolar is a s
t deal for anyone who has it. Left unmanaged it destroys the life of the sufferer and very often the lives of those closest to them. It is not something they have a say in. It is a chemical thing. In the same way as you might get arthritis, MS, Parkinsons disease etc. The effects are clinical and real. The sufferer leaps involuntarily between mania and depression; often with very little warning. They can feel full of life and energy one minute and completely exhausted the next. They can stay awake for days on end with thoughts racing through their head the whole time, or just shut down and go into a black hole of oblivion. A high percentage of BiPolar sufferers attempt to self medicate with drugs and/or alcohol. They have a high rate of infidelity and a dangerous attraction to harmful and risky behaviour. They have a very high rate of 'successful' suicide.
As someone who lives with this on a day by day basis (my Father is Bi-Polar) I would like to say thank you for taking the time to at least try and help this woman. Most people do not understand this disease and therefore push it away. t deal for anyone who has it. Left unmanaged it destroys the life of the sufferer and very often the lives of those closest to them. It is not something they have a say in. It is a chemical thing. In the same way as you might get arthritis, MS, Parkinsons disease etc. The effects are clinical and real. The sufferer leaps involuntarily between mania and depression; often with very little warning. They can feel full of life and energy one minute and completely exhausted the next. They can stay awake for days on end with thoughts racing through their head the whole time, or just shut down and go into a black hole of oblivion. A high percentage of BiPolar sufferers attempt to self medicate with drugs and/or alcohol. They have a high rate of infidelity and a dangerous attraction to harmful and risky behaviour. They have a very high rate of 'successful' suicide.It can have so many different effects on so many different aspects of a persons life.
At a guess, she told her other half that she had someone to talk to and he didn't like this as he probably thinks you are after one thing and don't understand what is really going on (even though you probably do). I would say leave it, people who suffer from pi-polar will not forget the help that has been offered to them, but more often than not will not be able to show any thanks.
Don't let it get to you.
Oooooh, dangerous. I'm fairly certain the bi-polar element is relevant but not THE most important factor here.
Several times I've been accused of being a 'protector' and it's true, I do feel the need to help people particularly if I perceive them to be on the receiving end of nasty or unfair treatment. Unfortunately they can, and I perfectly understand why, cling to what is often one of the few people in their life to treat them with respect or kindness. Combine this with a (their) failing relationship and you've a recipe for something that at best will be awkward and at worst, nasty.
With the best of intentions I allowed a very similar situation to develop with a long-ago ex who I shall call Sarah (we were 14 when we last met). Her marriage was failing, she suffered from low self esteem, paranoid and violent husband etc. He was reading her emails and texts, made 2+2=28, phoned my wife and gleefully informed her I was having an affair with his missus. Fortunately I'd been telling my wife everything and she sent him off with a flea in his ear mainly about him invading his Sarah's privacy. Didn't hear from her for a year but to be honest I was secretly relieved. When she did get in touch she told me how he'd been making her life a misery ever since.
Long story short. Sometmes helping people can backfire on you and them. I'm still unsure as to whether I should feel guilty about getting involved or (these days) being much less likely to help someone else out.
Several times I've been accused of being a 'protector' and it's true, I do feel the need to help people particularly if I perceive them to be on the receiving end of nasty or unfair treatment. Unfortunately they can, and I perfectly understand why, cling to what is often one of the few people in their life to treat them with respect or kindness. Combine this with a (their) failing relationship and you've a recipe for something that at best will be awkward and at worst, nasty.
With the best of intentions I allowed a very similar situation to develop with a long-ago ex who I shall call Sarah (we were 14 when we last met). Her marriage was failing, she suffered from low self esteem, paranoid and violent husband etc. He was reading her emails and texts, made 2+2=28, phoned my wife and gleefully informed her I was having an affair with his missus. Fortunately I'd been telling my wife everything and she sent him off with a flea in his ear mainly about him invading his Sarah's privacy. Didn't hear from her for a year but to be honest I was secretly relieved. When she did get in touch she told me how he'd been making her life a misery ever since.
Long story short. Sometmes helping people can backfire on you and them. I'm still unsure as to whether I should feel guilty about getting involved or (these days) being much less likely to help someone else out.
Im a little confused..
As others have said - what does your OH think about this?
It sounds to me like you are reaching out to her as much as she has been needing your help. Now im no psychiatrist but i'd say you probably have some connection issues with you OH if you've been spending so much time with another women in a non-physical but still very intimate sense..
I would walk away now before you ruin your marriage.
As others have said - what does your OH think about this?
It sounds to me like you are reaching out to her as much as she has been needing your help. Now im no psychiatrist but i'd say you probably have some connection issues with you OH if you've been spending so much time with another women in a non-physical but still very intimate sense..
I would walk away now before you ruin your marriage.
This is what you should do.
Forget it all ever happened.
Delete/erase/burn/shoot/ any communication you have had.
Go and buy your wife a bunch of flowers, bottle of wine and some chocolate.
Take her to get her hair cut on the weekend and buy her new shoes.
And in the interim thank the sweet baby Jesus you have a marriage still.
You have become way to involved taking a direct vested interest in this lady. Buying her presents is a sub conscious way of gaining trust of vulnerable people. Everyone does it, but the circumstances suggest you have more of a vested interest then just accounting for what you believe to be a failing, by yourself in respect of your brother. You would have been a better person to have spent the money on this giving it to a charity. You are not a health care professional, psychologist, or therapist, for all your good will, and effort you could have actually made things worse for this lady; how has your behaviour affected her? Is she more stressed because she now has to worry about you as well? Walk away buddy and hand it over to those that get paid for it. Before you make a huge fk up in your own life.
Gwiz
Forget it all ever happened.
Delete/erase/burn/shoot/ any communication you have had.
Go and buy your wife a bunch of flowers, bottle of wine and some chocolate.
Take her to get her hair cut on the weekend and buy her new shoes.
And in the interim thank the sweet baby Jesus you have a marriage still.
You have become way to involved taking a direct vested interest in this lady. Buying her presents is a sub conscious way of gaining trust of vulnerable people. Everyone does it, but the circumstances suggest you have more of a vested interest then just accounting for what you believe to be a failing, by yourself in respect of your brother. You would have been a better person to have spent the money on this giving it to a charity. You are not a health care professional, psychologist, or therapist, for all your good will, and effort you could have actually made things worse for this lady; how has your behaviour affected her? Is she more stressed because she now has to worry about you as well? Walk away buddy and hand it over to those that get paid for it. Before you make a huge f
k up in your own life.Gwiz
bewildered said:
She was quite a pretty little thing and very endearing. The drinks flowed freely and at the end of the evening I got an invite back for coffee
Yep, still think there was an ulterior motive from the outset. Maybe when you discovered her condition this subsequently diverted your initial motivation and that's been your facade since March. Makes you feel better about your affair I reckon.No matter what her disorder is I'd be pretty pissed off if my OH went to some blokes house after the pub for a coffee and no doubt she'd be the same with me.
You are projecting your guilt about your brother in to the situation, stop it. Go find another outlet for it because so far it has been destructive and your interference may well have broken them up.
Either that of you have been very naive.
You are projecting your guilt about your brother in to the situation, stop it. Go find another outlet for it because so far it has been destructive and your interference may well have broken them up.
Either that of you have been very naive.
Have you spoken to her OH about this? Can you? As in, tell him there is nothing in it in terms of sh***ng her etc you simply want to help her because she is so similar to your brother and (this is my guess) you wish you cuold have helped your brother/feel guilty that you didn't help your brother more and so she is now your target of aid..
And is your OH ok with it?
And is your OH ok with it?
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