Discussion
Don't know what to do. My daughter is 17 and lives with her mum. My ex and I have been divrorced for ten years and she left me for another man. Anyhow I took my daughter out for a meal last week and she was fine in the restaurant, but on the way back to her mums house she just burst out crying. I stopped the car and asked what was the matter, she told me that her mum and partner had got married two weeks ago and she didn't go to the wedding.
As you can imagine I was supprised at this and also upset for my daughter. I know that things have not been good between my daughter, mum and her partner for a while now, but I didn't realise it had got this bad. She says she hates the partner as he treats her like a 'prisoner' I asked for an example of this and she reeled aout a few incidents, some of which seemed trivial but one that she example was that he would not let her have any of her friends stay over or even in the house.
I think she was upset telling me about the marriage because of a number of reasons. She was the one breaking the news to me, she felt that she was being disloyal to her mum for telling me and she was realy upset at the marriage but now wished she would have gone. I asked her why she didn't attend and she said that she 'just couldn't'
She said the rest of the the family now hate her, aunties grandparents etc. She said that she was round at her aunties the other day and her grandmother came in and just gave her a filthy look and didn't speak to her.
Thing is chaps a number of things have been playing on my mind. I thought that my ex would have told me as we have been getting on well more recently (years) We even spoke the night before I took my daughter out to confirm arrangements.
I would have thought that if she had told me about the marriage and my daughter was being negative I could have talked to her and maybe talked her into going ( you know its only for a few hours and it would be nice to see the rest of the family type thing)
I know my daughter can be a so and so at times as can all girls of that age, but there seems to be much more to this. She must really dispise the man so as not to attend the wedding.
I have not spoken to my ex yet as I am not sure how to handle it and I don't want it to cause even more grief for my daughter (why did you tell your Dad) but I feel that I have to say something.
I have just found out that my daughter has not stayed at home since the wedding and that she is staying round at various girlfriends.
How would you guys go about trying to resolve this. She can't stay with me as she lives to far away from her work and as yet can't drive.
Thanks for ay advice.
PS there will be no pictures.
As you can imagine I was supprised at this and also upset for my daughter. I know that things have not been good between my daughter, mum and her partner for a while now, but I didn't realise it had got this bad. She says she hates the partner as he treats her like a 'prisoner' I asked for an example of this and she reeled aout a few incidents, some of which seemed trivial but one that she example was that he would not let her have any of her friends stay over or even in the house.
I think she was upset telling me about the marriage because of a number of reasons. She was the one breaking the news to me, she felt that she was being disloyal to her mum for telling me and she was realy upset at the marriage but now wished she would have gone. I asked her why she didn't attend and she said that she 'just couldn't'
She said the rest of the the family now hate her, aunties grandparents etc. She said that she was round at her aunties the other day and her grandmother came in and just gave her a filthy look and didn't speak to her.
Thing is chaps a number of things have been playing on my mind. I thought that my ex would have told me as we have been getting on well more recently (years) We even spoke the night before I took my daughter out to confirm arrangements.
I would have thought that if she had told me about the marriage and my daughter was being negative I could have talked to her and maybe talked her into going ( you know its only for a few hours and it would be nice to see the rest of the family type thing)
I know my daughter can be a so and so at times as can all girls of that age, but there seems to be much more to this. She must really dispise the man so as not to attend the wedding.
I have not spoken to my ex yet as I am not sure how to handle it and I don't want it to cause even more grief for my daughter (why did you tell your Dad) but I feel that I have to say something.
I have just found out that my daughter has not stayed at home since the wedding and that she is staying round at various girlfriends.
How would you guys go about trying to resolve this. She can't stay with me as she lives to far away from her work and as yet can't drive.
Thanks for ay advice.
PS there will be no pictures.
Edited by biper on Friday 13th August 10:25
Edited by biper on Friday 13th August 10:26
You have my sympathy. I had a very similar situation last year.
It became apparent that my son did not appear to be happy at his new school, but I struggled to get to the bottom of why. Then over Christmas I found out from my parents that my ex-wife had married her new partner some 2 months earlier. In this case my sons upset was less the new man but more the kids that came with him. Why the ex-wife had not said to me that she was remarrying I know not, like you we had separated 10yrs ago & got on fine. I was furious that she had done something that could have such an impact on my son & not tell me. He would never tell me because he has always kept what happens in each house in that house. The only thing I could do was explain my displeasure & explain to her what impact it had on my son.
You have to talk to your ex about it & explain the impact its having on your daughter.
It became apparent that my son did not appear to be happy at his new school, but I struggled to get to the bottom of why. Then over Christmas I found out from my parents that my ex-wife had married her new partner some 2 months earlier. In this case my sons upset was less the new man but more the kids that came with him. Why the ex-wife had not said to me that she was remarrying I know not, like you we had separated 10yrs ago & got on fine. I was furious that she had done something that could have such an impact on my son & not tell me. He would never tell me because he has always kept what happens in each house in that house. The only thing I could do was explain my displeasure & explain to her what impact it had on my son.
You have to talk to your ex about it & explain the impact its having on your daughter.
Ouch - obviously you need to tread carefully - but look after your daughter - she is upset and needs her dad right now. I guess you need to listen - let her vent at you, let her stay with you for a while and pay for taxi's or drive her to work if needed.
Normally things sort them selves out - but in the mean time you must support her as best as you can.
Normally things sort them selves out - but in the mean time you must support her as best as you can.
Justayellowbadge said:
I cannot imagine any parent not sharing something as fundamental as remarriage with the other parent.
Misguided attempt at "not hurting" the ex.My old man did it too, although it was well after my sister and I were out of the equation, so probably not really that comparable.
1) Buy her driving lessons.
2) Teach her in your spare time as much as possible.
3) How long 'til she's 18? If it's not long, she can do what she likes very soon- including moving out to somewhere cheap for a bit. How far away is she? See you're near where I used to live!
4) If she works for a chain or somewhere with a few different branches, could a transfer be arranged?
5) How's the train situation near there?
2) Teach her in your spare time as much as possible.
3) How long 'til she's 18? If it's not long, she can do what she likes very soon- including moving out to somewhere cheap for a bit. How far away is she? See you're near where I used to live!
4) If she works for a chain or somewhere with a few different branches, could a transfer be arranged?
5) How's the train situation near there?
Edited by sc4589 on Friday 13th August 11:07
TVR Moneypit said:
Surely once your daughter is 18, (in how many months?), she could move in with you and there would be nothing the courts could do about it?
She can legally leave any time she wants at this point, but she can't drive and OP lives too far away from his daughters work.My ex re-married ten years ago the ex told me and i chatted to my son about it to make sure he knew i was ok with it and so should he.About 6 months ago she has now split up from her husband and now got a place of her own.My son is now 13 and although he is not affected by it he has a step-brother who i think maybe struggleing a bit as he has stayed with his dad.I got married just over a year ago and although we don't have kids together my OH does struggle to get along with my son(think it has more to do with him being a teenager though)so i do find myself piggy in the middle.Sometimes step-parents can be more awkward than the child.It proberbly is a conflict between your daughter and her step-dad with your ex stuck in the middle trying to balance both.
Good luck chatting to her but i think it would be the best way to go.
Good luck chatting to her but i think it would be the best way to go.
I feel for you and your daughter. I probably wont be able to offer any advice either other than suggesting she lives with you for a bit (you've already said this isn't an option)
I'm eventually going to end up going through a similar situation with my mother and her fiance. The guy is a short agressive little moron who I and very few people locally like. I no longer live with my mother because of him (nothing to do with children hating new partners thing as my dad has a new partner and we get on very well) and have had my sister calling me up late at night in tears because he has come in drunk and got angry (as far as I'm aware its just shouting and he hasn't hit her).
My mother wont listen to any one elses advice and will probably end up marrying him, I have wondered many times whether I could bring myself to go to the wedding.
I'm eventually going to end up going through a similar situation with my mother and her fiance. The guy is a short agressive little moron who I and very few people locally like. I no longer live with my mother because of him (nothing to do with children hating new partners thing as my dad has a new partner and we get on very well) and have had my sister calling me up late at night in tears because he has come in drunk and got angry (as far as I'm aware its just shouting and he hasn't hit her).
My mother wont listen to any one elses advice and will probably end up marrying him, I have wondered many times whether I could bring myself to go to the wedding.
iAlex said:
TVR Moneypit said:
Surely once your daughter is 18, (in how many months?), she could move in with you and there would be nothing the courts could do about it?
She can legally leave any time she wants at this point, but she can't drive and OP lives too far away from his daughters work.Other option would be to subsidise her in a flatshare for a bit.
Either way, just ask her what she would like to do and how you can help.
Famous Graham said:
Justayellowbadge said:
I cannot imagine any parent not sharing something as fundamental as remarriage with the other parent.
Misguided attempt at "not hurting" the ex.My old man did it too, although it was well after my sister and I were out of the equation, so probably not really that comparable.
Although I suspect it might have been because we'd have royally taken the piss
biper said:
PS there will be no pictures.
Your a PH vetran I see!Back to the point, just make sure your there for her, having been the child in a difficult marriage i can tell you that having one good parent and one s
t one, means you can be happy half the time.If she is ok staying at friends, leave her at friends, but offer support (chat, day out, lifts, financially etc)
In the long run, it will make her stronger, and the two of you closer.
Is she the only child between you and ex? if she has any brothers/sisters what is their situation??
Stevenj214 said:
iAlex said:
TVR Moneypit said:
Surely once your daughter is 18, (in how many months?), she could move in with you and there would be nothing the courts could do about it?
She can legally leave any time she wants at this point, but she can't drive and OP lives too far away from his daughters work.Other option would be to subsidise her in a flatshare for a bit.
Either way, just ask her what she would like to do and how you can help.
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