A generic PH rant

[troc]

Today something annoyed me for some pointless and essentially unimportant reason, however I got unreasonably ticked off about it so I decided to come on here and vent. To this end I will now liberally sprinkle the following rant with swearwords even though I almost never use serious profanity in my daily life (and certainly not with the following regularity). In fact I am a totally normal, average, middle-class employee of a totally average, middle-class company.

However, just here I may make it very obvious that I am a 15 year old schoolboy with nothing to do except homework and a rather overblown opinion of my own wit. In this case I will proceed to make a series of terrible spelling mistakes and a large number of glaringly obvious grammatical errors.

Here I initially set the scene, mentioning a car which is my P&J. This car (which may, in fact, not exist) is one that polarises opinion on PH, thus presenting the first of many reasons for the ensuing discussion/flame war. I may decide not to mention the make/model/colour etc of the car, leaving it for the PH massive to discover this for themselves. This can be used to insert a little meaningless smugness into the thread. If I have made any irrelevant modifications to the car, I will mention them here.

Now the scene as been set, I will start my rant proper by listing a few stereotypes, preferably stereotypes I feel the PH readers are usually negative towards. If I am feeling seriously antagonistic, I will include a few stereotypes that could be seen as referring to PH-type people. I will probably mention Surrey.

By now I am into the swing of my rant. I will explain the sequence of events, noting specific PH-type features (car type, level of cleanliness, degree of mis-badging etc) to keep my reader's attention before it wanders off and they decide the 37th "should I buy an xxx for £yyy" thread of the day is actually more interesting (even though they hate xxx's and would never spend £yyy on a car). By now, I have quite possibly forgotten why I am ranting so I will add another stereotype and make sure I am still swearing properly just here.

At this point I will realise I forgot to add some stupidly fashionable enmoticons so here is a line of them.

Finally I conclude with the outcome of the situation which caused the rant. This will probably reveal that nothing happened but that I was (In my own opinion) brash, clever, witty and showed some truly masterful use of the English language in my (probably fictional because nobody actually talks to people) communication with the reason for my rant in the first place. The quoted phrase will quite obviously show signs of having been carefully constructed after the fact. I will swear a bit more and reassert my hatred of whatever stereotypes I first mentioned. I will make sure I use a few long, run on sentences with incorrect usage of commas, punctuation marks and grammar towards the end to make the reader feel out of breath and also annoyed, thus increasing the chance they reply. Here is a random colon: for example.


(with thanks to http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/the-lay-scientis... )

Edit made to fix something without ever admitting there was anything wrong in the first place. If someone has quoted the unedited section below, simply ignore them.

Edited by troc on Tuesday 28th September 10:12

[MacW]

Do we have a guides section we can sticky this in?

[TuxRacer]

[Mr Gear]

Worth reading, better than expected. Marked down though for failure to mention confronting said adversary and making a witty made-up remark that makes them shrink into their seat in embarrassment, or threat of physical violence that proves the OP is the superior alpha male.

B+

[simonrockman]

I'd agree with the B+, it would have been a B but gets the extra credit for a non-working link.

[MacW]

simonrockman said:

I'd agree with the B+, it would have been a B but gets the extra credit for a non-working link.

take the ")" from the end of the url in your browser

[marshalla]

Not funny when Andy Parsons does it, not funny when the Guardian copies it and just plain depressing when a PHer copies a copy of a bad idea.

[Don]

Sadly lacking in foul language and just a little smug. Whilst a good rant does indeed need to conform to a strict set of rules, or at least an amorphous mass of guidelines, to be properly considered a "PH rant" it is nowhere near as prescriptive as you make out.

Although I admit that this post disagreeing with you conforms utterly to the predicted set of replies such a rant should recieve: this is PH and there must be disagreement.

[troc]

marshalla said:

Not funny when Andy Parsons does it, not funny when the Guardian copies it and just plain depressing when a PHer copies a copy of a bad idea.

You must be one of the stereotypes I mentioned before.

[daveco]

So you're doing exactly the same thing a rant does by explaining what a rant does but in a step by step, pedantic, smug, tttish manner?

Yay for mediocrity!

[deeen]

A-, you missed the fact that all rants must include the phrase "boils my pi$$".

Now, who's got the time to go back and find a previous rant, and mark it against the template?

[Neil H]

I see what you did there! I see it.

[Rocksteadyeddie]

Oh.... just fk off.

[TonyHetherington]

I thought that was quite good

[C8PPO]

daveco said:

So you're doing exactly the same thing a rant does by explaining what a rant does but in a step by step, pedantic, smug, tttish manner?

Somewhere, there is a parrot wondering why all its feathers have been blown sideways.

[Biker's Nemesis]

C8PPO said:

daveco said:

So you're doing exactly the same thing a rant does by explaining what a rant does but in a step by step, pedantic, smug, tttish manner?

Somewhere, there is a parrot wondering why all its feathers have been blown sideways.

[colonel c]

I got bored halfway through so couldn't be bothered to read the whole post. I have also skipped most of the replies, so don't know if anybody else have made a similar point.

[AndrewTait]

What? No mention of the Daily Wail article to re-inforce whichever stereotype you have chosen to pick on?

Poor show! B-

[CommanderJameson]

tl;dr

[Stuart]

I was all set to give you a B-, but then I realised you wrote "now that the scene as been set" when you quite clearly meant to write "now that the scene has been set." C.