Handling Confrontation

[Otto]

So, I am not like 99% of Pistonheaders allege to be - I do not handle confrontation well. I do not just walk around 'windmilling' to resolve disputes, knock people out, or burn their house down because their cat peed on my lawn. I am also running low on Uranium so nuking from orbit is, unfortunately, out of the question.

How do I handle confrontational situations better though? I am perfectly capable of having a heated discussion, communicating effectively, coming to agreements with the other party in a pretty amicable way etc etc, but how about when the other party is an irrational, unreasonable, argumentative drunken mong?? Like my neighbour.....

Long story short, he disputed a fence we had built (during which we had involved all neighbours through the planning stages etc etc), suggesting it was over the line. The builder came back to check, stringing out the property line between the markers we had put in by the surveyors, and it is not over the line. Cue some threats etc, which took me back somewhat. All I could respond with was 'As far as I'm concerned, we have checked and tried to demonstrate that the fence is not over the line, and so the matter is closed' (He would not come out to look at the markings, just kept arguing that we had gone over the line - like I said, he is extremely irrational, and I have tried over and over to have a reasonable conversation about this, to no avail).

Best part? The guy is not even my neighbour. A 78 yr old, slightly nutty but generally nice, lady is my neighbour - he is an unemployed alcoholic who sleeps on her couch, occasionally stumbling round the neighbourhood with his shirt off in a drunken stupor. Any discussions with the lady go fine, until the drunk decides to join in and then it just becomes a matter of him stating random BS over and over again, without listening or any interaction to try and resolve matters.

Recently this has turned to him shouting abuse and threats out of their window. And, quite honestly, I'm not dealing with it well. It's all too easy to say 'go knock his lights out' etc etc. I have only ever once in my life snapped and lost control of my aggression. I've never let that happen since. It was very provoked, and VERY out of character for me, but I truly lost it and the other guy ended up in hospital.

Anyway, we're planning on logging this with the local police - just to get something on record, especially as we're concerned with what he might do in terms of damage or potentially violence (He is consistently VERY drunk, quite often incomprehensible).

What's the best way to deal with this on a personal level though? I have made a point of not retaliating. The only response I gave to a barrage of abuse last night was 'Hi Ralph' in a pretty chirpy fashion - shut him up actually! But boy it gets to me, and I know it shouldn't. I was actually shaking last night after that.

I have a lot to lose - he doesn't. A criminal record for me would make it almost impossible for me to stay in the US - I'm very aware of that, and would never do anything to jeopordise it. I have a good job that I also don't want to lose! He has no house, no job, and as far as I can tell, no dignity! How do you deal with people like this?? I'm worried that he has nothing really stopping him from doing something stupid....

BTW I'm in the US so laws are different here - I'm more after some advice on how to deal with this on a personal level. PH has been a nice link back home for me since I left the UK!

Edited by Otto on Thursday 14th October 19:23

[PHmember]

Unfortunately some people are so low in the gene pool & so unbelievably thick that they aren't able to understand or conduct a 'discussion', they can only resort to caveman instincts of violence & aggression. This is also why said mong is unemployed & sleeping on a 78 year old's sofa.

Sadly you will never be able to resolve anything with this mong by discussing the merits of various facts. Leave it up to Darwin, he has a handy way of dispensing with these idiots.

[Jasandjules]

I suspect that he is not just some random drunk, but perhaps her son (unemployed maybe, alchoholic maybe, stupid maybe)..

As for dealing with him, you are in the US, do you have a handgun????? Don't the cops actually deal with that kind of abusive behaviour in the US?

[bazking69]

Ration is beyond some people sometimes. At which point it is often best to state the facts calmly and walk away. Having made sure you are in the right of course.

[Wacky Racer]

I would firstly try to find out what relation (if any) he is to the old woman.

[Otto]

Jasandjules said:

I suspect that he is not just some random drunk, but perhaps her son (unemployed maybe, alchoholic maybe, stupid maybe)..

As for dealing with him, you are in the US, do you have a handgun????? Don't the cops actually deal with that kind of abusive behaviour in the US?

He is actually the son of another family in our suburb, but spends all his time at this lady's house. They are definitely not related - her family have also voiced their concerns about this guy staying there.

No handguns, but I do have a pump action shotgun!! But that is for clays and hunting, and stays locked up at all other times, I wouldn't even consider using it for resolving a conflict.

I'm not sure how the cops would deal with it to be honest, that is why we are going to speak to them, along with our logged version of events. I don't want to take it any further at this stage, but I would like to know from the police if there is anything else we should be doing that would be needed to secure a conviction should it ever come to that (i.e. recording evidence etc) AND also just to have this on record with them, should anything happen.

[Otto]

Paddy_N_Murphy said:

you have sent him an email haven't you ?

I EVEN told him I am a director of three businesses, but he STILL won't listen?? So I threw a Redbull can at him, before shouting 'actually it's Radio 2' and calling an Ambiwlance for him
Ok lets not get balls deep in other references....

[Otto]

NeMiSiS said:

Mostly you assume the person your having confrontation with is mentally stable, sometimes they are not, as I found out today.

You could be right - before this came about I would occasionally chat with them and share a beer etc. Even at those times he was clearly a couple of sandwiches short, but at least tolerable.

[EDLT]

Talk to the police, you're not in the UK so they won't tell you "Its a civil matter, sir".

[randlemarcus]

Sounds like you're going about this exactly right. Log of incidents, filed with the police - probably worth chatting it over with a friendly policeman over coffee and apple pie, rather than diving straight into dialling 911 every time. Utter friendliness and sweetness and light to Ralph's face.

If you wanted to be mean and horrible, maybe a bottle of moonshine to make friends? You never know, it might cause an OD and problem solved. Obviously, hand over when cold so he fails to notice the gloves...

[Steamer]

Otto said:

BTW I'm in the US so laws are different here

Shoot him.




sorry I know that is no help what so ever, but I read your post and send my sympathy.. hopefully ralph will have liver failure soon

[Dr Doofenshmirtz]

Throw a can of re oh right, you've already done that.
Erm, I dunno really.

[Fartgalen]

Paddy_N_Murphy said:

Otto said:

Paddy_N_Murphy said:

you have sent him an email haven't you ?

I EVEN told him I am a director of three businesses, but he STILL won't listen?? So I threw a Redbull can at him, before shouting 'actually it's Radio 2' and calling an Ambiwlance for him
Ok lets not get balls deep in other references....

Then You are beyond the help of PH shirley ?

No he's not. He needs an MX5.
And pics of the fence with a can of custard.

[MrTom]

Can you get a restraining order against him for harassment? I have seen enough Judge Judy to know you can obtain an injunction against someone very easily.

Edited by MrTom on Thursday 14th October 21:20

[Light n Hairy]

You're not asking about handling confrontation so much as how to handle drunken abuse.

So I think you are doing fine: your cheerful indifference to his ranting, is a fine weapon.

[Otto]

randlemarcus said:

Sounds like you're going about this exactly right. Log of incidents, filed with the police - probably worth chatting it over with a friendly policeman over coffee and apple pie, rather than diving straight into dialling 911 every time. Utter friendliness and sweetness and light to Ralph's face.

Thanks - that's the plan with the police, just a friendly chat at the station. My experience with the cops here has actually been very positive - they are very down to earth, and do use their discretion wisely, which is somewhat refreshing. It's also a fairly small town so this guy may well be known to them already (I do know he's had previous problems with Public Intoxication)

[y282]

Otto said:

randlemarcus said:

Sounds like you're going about this exactly right. Log of incidents, filed with the police - probably worth chatting it over with a friendly policeman over coffee and apple pie, rather than diving straight into dialling 911 every time. Utter friendliness and sweetness and light to Ralph's face.

Thanks - that's the plan with the police, just a friendly chat at the station. My experience with the cops here has actually been very positive - they are very down to earth, and do use their discretion wisely, which is somewhat refreshing. It's also a fairly small town so this guy may well be known to them already (I do know he's had previous problems with Public Intoxication)

that sounds promising. don't be too hard on yourself regarding confrontation. if you feel you didn't handle it well afterwards the acknowledgement that you didn't alone is more than a lot of people can manage.

now go and get an mx5.

[Otto]

MrTom said:

Can you get a restraining order against him for harassment? I have seen enough Judge Judy to know you can obtain an injunction against someone very easily.

Yes, we probably could. My girlfriend has actually been through this process with a previous boyfriend who hit her when she broke up with him, so she is far more familiar with the process. It's not something we want to do, but she is not afraid of going down that route. Not sure it's quite as cool as it looks on Judge Judy though!!

[Otto]

y282 said:

don't be too hard on yourself regarding confrontation. if you feel you didn't handle it well afterwards the acknowledgement that you didn't alone is more than a lot of people can manage.

now go and get an mx5.

This is all helping a lot actually, just talking it through, but man, what I really want is to not let it bother me at all! I feel an idiot for letting this neanderthal get me so riled up. A lot of the comments about reasoning with morons has helped, so thanks all. I'd love to be able to brush it all off and just not care about it though! I'm sure he's trying to get a reaction out of me, just need to keep that cool head so he doesn't.

As for the MX5.... well, I have my toy already, and while petrol is still cheap over here, I think I'll stick to the big V8's!!

[toxgobbler]

This is America, land of the free, you should deal with it American styley. Sue him for Slander, get him served and remember he is bringing your name into disrepute.