Motivation my mojo's fubar'd completely.
Discussion
A question about motivation....
Diet wise that is. I can do all the get out of bed and work and all the other stuff I need to do. I have fun along the way and seem to be OKish.
The ish is the one that I struggle with and it's to do with food and having no motivation to eat well or 'healthily' or in fact to do very little. At the back of my mind there are the constant thoughts about making tasty food etc. But when push comes to shove, I can't really do it for more than a short while.
I know the reasons why it's the way it is. My lass and I used to cook together every night and when she got ill I found it very hard to eat alone and worse still when she was with me and I had to eat and she could not. This is not easy to write actually. It makes me feel rather unhappy as food and home and all those myriad of interconnected things seem to be the aspects I feel at times hard to kick start for just me. By/for my self. Alone.
So why this post? I'm not sure really. I think because I need to hear views of other people who have perhaps been through the same kind of thing and experienced the same lack of motivation/apathy 'self' wise. I am at a rather low ebb at the moment and I know somewhere in all of this I have to find my 'self' mojo and food and self care etc seem to be the bit I really struggle with.
I can't keep eatiing rubbish, because that to is not helping, nor is eating with friends etc - that's just often used as a smokescreen to hide from what I feel inside.
So, any ideas? Anything to think about, any pragmatic advice as to how to shift this low ebb?
Gratefully appreciated.
Cheers
Diet wise that is. I can do all the get out of bed and work and all the other stuff I need to do. I have fun along the way and seem to be OKish.
The ish is the one that I struggle with and it's to do with food and having no motivation to eat well or 'healthily' or in fact to do very little. At the back of my mind there are the constant thoughts about making tasty food etc. But when push comes to shove, I can't really do it for more than a short while.
I know the reasons why it's the way it is. My lass and I used to cook together every night and when she got ill I found it very hard to eat alone and worse still when she was with me and I had to eat and she could not. This is not easy to write actually. It makes me feel rather unhappy as food and home and all those myriad of interconnected things seem to be the aspects I feel at times hard to kick start for just me. By/for my self. Alone.
So why this post? I'm not sure really. I think because I need to hear views of other people who have perhaps been through the same kind of thing and experienced the same lack of motivation/apathy 'self' wise. I am at a rather low ebb at the moment and I know somewhere in all of this I have to find my 'self' mojo and food and self care etc seem to be the bit I really struggle with.
I can't keep eatiing rubbish, because that to is not helping, nor is eating with friends etc - that's just often used as a smokescreen to hide from what I feel inside.
So, any ideas? Anything to think about, any pragmatic advice as to how to shift this low ebb?
Gratefully appreciated.
Cheers
At the end of the day mate you sound plain fed up and who can blame you, When i lived on my own i was pretty lazy when i cooked but obviously this is totally different to what you have gone through and i really feel for you mate. Its totally understandable you feeling like this.
Maybe to start with, couldn't you invite a couple of pals to come round one night a week and maybe you go round their's one night so it breaks the monotony a little.
As for perking yourself up a bit ok its hard for you but get out in the fresh air and go for a walk, or hit the gym it will make you feel better. Nothing worse than just sat around on your own - try and get out and stroll around, even pop into a coffee shop if the mood takes you just to see some fresh faces and get yourself out.
Hope you get sorted and if you want to moan or vent on here we're all ears.
Good luck pal.
Maybe to start with, couldn't you invite a couple of pals to come round one night a week and maybe you go round their's one night so it breaks the monotony a little.
As for perking yourself up a bit ok its hard for you but get out in the fresh air and go for a walk, or hit the gym it will make you feel better. Nothing worse than just sat around on your own - try and get out and stroll around, even pop into a coffee shop if the mood takes you just to see some fresh faces and get yourself out.
Hope you get sorted and if you want to moan or vent on here we're all ears.
Good luck pal.
Oh Russell - I'm sorry. I'm not going to be much practical help, but what I can do is say you're not alone - I've struggled with feeding myself, making myself drinks etc for a long long time. If someone comes in to visit, fine, no problem, kettle on and we both drink - but me - I'm not worth it.
You try talking to yourself, saying don't be a silly B, and once I was so pleased with myself - I actually managed to make a cup of tea just for me! That was the good news - the bad news was there was no way was I going to allow myself to drink it and it went cold while I made 'excuses' not to sit down and enjoy the fruits of my labour.
You are, my dear grandmother, have this egg to suck, depressed!! You've done everything as a couple for years, and now you've lost your reason to be - and in you it's materialising as self deprivation.
You if you're honest know better than I how to 'fix' it - (and when you find out, tell me!) - imagine it's not you but a client - what would you say / suggest to them is the best I can suggest.
Off topic, I get to see onc on Friday to find my prognosis, and whether I'll be able to get to Croatia as planned at end September - we're back (if we go) on 1 October so hopefully catch up with you then.
N xx
You try talking to yourself, saying don't be a silly B, and once I was so pleased with myself - I actually managed to make a cup of tea just for me! That was the good news - the bad news was there was no way was I going to allow myself to drink it and it went cold while I made 'excuses' not to sit down and enjoy the fruits of my labour.
You are, my dear grandmother, have this egg to suck, depressed!! You've done everything as a couple for years, and now you've lost your reason to be - and in you it's materialising as self deprivation.
You if you're honest know better than I how to 'fix' it - (and when you find out, tell me!) - imagine it's not you but a client - what would you say / suggest to them is the best I can suggest.
Off topic, I get to see onc on Friday to find my prognosis, and whether I'll be able to get to Croatia as planned at end September - we're back (if we go) on 1 October so hopefully catch up with you then.
N xx
Thanks you both for replying.
I need to have a think about this more. I have a real sense of heaviness about me at the moment and in part it is triggered and made worse by family who seem unshakable in my thoughts. This isn't the place to talk of that, but a number of time past, I spoke of how hard it was and hard they made it. And I realise that I am carrying that deadweight all the time. It to does not help.
N, I am coming to Skye some time the beginning of October and I am really looking forward to seeing you and hubby
again. Good luck, fingers, toes, everything crossed - but you know that already
Love R.
I need to have a think about this more. I have a real sense of heaviness about me at the moment and in part it is triggered and made worse by family who seem unshakable in my thoughts. This isn't the place to talk of that, but a number of time past, I spoke of how hard it was and hard they made it. And I realise that I am carrying that deadweight all the time. It to does not help.
N, I am coming to Skye some time the beginning of October and I am really looking forward to seeing you and hubby
again. Good luck, fingers, toes, everything crossed - but you know that already Love R.
I know your loss has been a heart wrenching event and I can't begin to compare my recent break-up with what you've been through, but I've shown some of the symptoms you're experiencing. A complete lack of interest in the preparation or consumption of meals. I've lost two stone over the past few months and now have a flat stomach(!). (Oddly I know 'she' would love my lack of belly now.)
My saviour as far as the practicalities of eating goes has been pre-packaged stuff. Whether it's a plastic box of pre-cut fruit, a packet of flavoured pasta or individually wrapped chunks of pre-cooked chicken. I'm living a bit like a rich student at the moment and tend to pick rather than eat. The fridge contents are nothing to be proud of but it's pointless buying fresh things which are only going to get binned.
There are still days where the though of food isn't appealing at all and I'll almost revel in the protestations my grumbling stomach will make as it reminds me that I am actually still here.
No idea what the solution is.
My saviour as far as the practicalities of eating goes has been pre-packaged stuff. Whether it's a plastic box of pre-cut fruit, a packet of flavoured pasta or individually wrapped chunks of pre-cooked chicken. I'm living a bit like a rich student at the moment and tend to pick rather than eat. The fridge contents are nothing to be proud of but it's pointless buying fresh things which are only going to get binned.
There are still days where the though of food isn't appealing at all and I'll almost revel in the protestations my grumbling stomach will make as it reminds me that I am actually still here.
No idea what the solution is.
You have built up an association between food and Lily. I guess it is going to be hard to re-train yourself away from that association.
You could try putting a cooking programme on and using it as inspiration to make something nice. Eating it is the reward for your efforts.
Make some spare and take it to a neighbour maybe? That way you are not just cooking for yourself.
You could try putting a cooking programme on and using it as inspiration to make something nice. Eating it is the reward for your efforts.
Make some spare and take it to a neighbour maybe? That way you are not just cooking for yourself.
I've not long been reading these 'Health Matters' posts - a few months, perhaps - but I soon realised that, in my mind, you gave the best advice & so articulately written to any one & everyone about similar topics &, as the dear broomsticklady quaintly said, you're depressed. I have been depressed, probably still am at times, but have not been subject to the same difficulties you have been; mine are related to 'home' but not in the same way (OH quite bad with mental health 'issues' over last 6 years or so) so feel unable to particularly advise you excepting to say b-s-l's advice seems pretty sound to me.
I hope this helps & knowing those who know oyu better than I do are all rooting for you.
I hope this helps & knowing those who know oyu better than I do are all rooting for you.
I shall speak of myself as a curious experiment....
I realise that has time has progressed since Lily's death, life has taken two completely different tracks. The pragmatism and doing stuff is very strong, in terms of plans, intentions and motivations. I have a very clear focus about the direction and in fact I am back running parallel careers and happy to do so. I am able to leave my 'self' and issues outside of both careers and I can very effectively process when in the company of other people.
But.. and it had to be a but... (what else could it be?). In part it's to do with grieving and moving on and processing some of the thoughts that lie behind all of this. The last few weeks of Lily's life were horrendous. Way more so than anything that I ever wrote. I had to deal with not only the huge effects of losing my soulmate, but also a family in full blown self destruct selfish self obsessed mode. And I was stuck in the middle between all of them.
One person in particular I find very very hard to deal with, even now. It's because she, more than any other made life a misery and she wants to hang on to 'stuff', to lots of things. It's hard to put into words, if you can read between the lines to what i'm not saying and you'll probably be spot on. At my lowest ebb in the week before Christmas when I had flu and was physically, emotionally and psychologically spent, she tried to manipulate a situation for her own selfish needs. And in truth I still feel the effects of that time. It's hard to express this - but I can visualise it as my neurons literally sparking off eachother - almost fizzing when I think of these things.
Part of it this 'package' of heavy headedness is the not being able tgo shake off some very heavy emotions from the time I was at such a low ebb. It is as if that week has become the part I carry forward now. It is that part, of feeling abused alomost, of being vulnerable and then attacked (for want of a word) that makes me feel very heavy. Depression? Not sure. I don't thinks so.. but there is definitely something not right and something I don't know how to handle in myself - which I find strange and unsettling. It's pent up emotion and grief and perhaps even now, months later, the profound need to sleep, to hibernate, recoup and recover. Strange that one part of the mind is willing to move on, wants to move on and live again, the other part withdrawn and desperate to be left alone to recover.
I don't want to fall into an abyss of grief, but at the moment I guess (and it is little more than an intuative guess) it's the acknowledgement that my grief is immense and damed behind a wall of 'something'. After the initial onslaught of tears and the initial grief of mourning, comes a period of something far more terrible... the dam of welled up tears and tourment behind too many watched experiences and memories of terrible things. Perhaps in part I do not allow myself the space to acknowledge my own deep sensing loss. Perhaps in part my grief is denied by me for fear of it become the anchor that stops me fulfilling my promises made to Lily in the days before she died- the promise of living, not stagnating for months or years as an engine carbonising whilst stuck in neutral.
I feel scared to even acknowledge it to myself sometimes. It takes me the tears of a 3am grief to say out loud Lily I miss you, to then fall back into a sleep of loss, nothingness and a soul pining for my missed lass. I miss my lass ever minute of every single day. I think about her constantly, from the moment I awake, to the moments in bed before sleep forves me to cease my thoughts. Today I sat at home and realised that my home will never see her steps again, feel her warmth, hear her laughter or her clacking heeled walked. Such things cannot be expressed in a way to make their loss understood, even to me. Perhaps this is the next part of this.. the acknoeldgement that I am in a deeper state of mourning that in part I have denied to myself. It's different, it's evolved into something more lonely, something deeper within. It must surely bottom out sometime and them rise up the other side. I guess this to, must just be my process through my loss and on to recovery out the other side. Such is life .. and death ... and all the package of learning and understanding it brings. It's a solitary road this. I knew it would be. We talked about it together in the weeks before. I knew it would be hard, but perhaps I have until even this evening, never acknowledged just how heavy the burden is to carry.
I am firm believer in balance and karma. Perhaps the balance of losing your soulmate and one you love so dearly is the balance in then learning how to stand alone without its support. What I carry deep inside will never be lost, can never be replaced, will never be replaced, will never be forgotten, but the balance is learning to walk again and walk free from the loss and into the light of life. How hard a journey it feels tonight and the light seems barely a discernable shift in shadow colour. Thanks for your replies, your compassion and your understanding. This soul wanders on, always in hope, always in love, but weary and very very tired.
I realise that has time has progressed since Lily's death, life has taken two completely different tracks. The pragmatism and doing stuff is very strong, in terms of plans, intentions and motivations. I have a very clear focus about the direction and in fact I am back running parallel careers and happy to do so. I am able to leave my 'self' and issues outside of both careers and I can very effectively process when in the company of other people.
But.. and it had to be a but... (what else could it be?). In part it's to do with grieving and moving on and processing some of the thoughts that lie behind all of this. The last few weeks of Lily's life were horrendous. Way more so than anything that I ever wrote. I had to deal with not only the huge effects of losing my soulmate, but also a family in full blown self destruct selfish self obsessed mode. And I was stuck in the middle between all of them.
One person in particular I find very very hard to deal with, even now. It's because she, more than any other made life a misery and she wants to hang on to 'stuff', to lots of things. It's hard to put into words, if you can read between the lines to what i'm not saying and you'll probably be spot on. At my lowest ebb in the week before Christmas when I had flu and was physically, emotionally and psychologically spent, she tried to manipulate a situation for her own selfish needs. And in truth I still feel the effects of that time. It's hard to express this - but I can visualise it as my neurons literally sparking off eachother - almost fizzing when I think of these things.
Part of it this 'package' of heavy headedness is the not being able tgo shake off some very heavy emotions from the time I was at such a low ebb. It is as if that week has become the part I carry forward now. It is that part, of feeling abused alomost, of being vulnerable and then attacked (for want of a word) that makes me feel very heavy. Depression? Not sure. I don't thinks so.. but there is definitely something not right and something I don't know how to handle in myself - which I find strange and unsettling. It's pent up emotion and grief and perhaps even now, months later, the profound need to sleep, to hibernate, recoup and recover. Strange that one part of the mind is willing to move on, wants to move on and live again, the other part withdrawn and desperate to be left alone to recover.
I don't want to fall into an abyss of grief, but at the moment I guess (and it is little more than an intuative guess) it's the acknowledgement that my grief is immense and damed behind a wall of 'something'. After the initial onslaught of tears and the initial grief of mourning, comes a period of something far more terrible... the dam of welled up tears and tourment behind too many watched experiences and memories of terrible things. Perhaps in part I do not allow myself the space to acknowledge my own deep sensing loss. Perhaps in part my grief is denied by me for fear of it become the anchor that stops me fulfilling my promises made to Lily in the days before she died- the promise of living, not stagnating for months or years as an engine carbonising whilst stuck in neutral.
I feel scared to even acknowledge it to myself sometimes. It takes me the tears of a 3am grief to say out loud Lily I miss you, to then fall back into a sleep of loss, nothingness and a soul pining for my missed lass. I miss my lass ever minute of every single day. I think about her constantly, from the moment I awake, to the moments in bed before sleep forves me to cease my thoughts. Today I sat at home and realised that my home will never see her steps again, feel her warmth, hear her laughter or her clacking heeled walked. Such things cannot be expressed in a way to make their loss understood, even to me. Perhaps this is the next part of this.. the acknoeldgement that I am in a deeper state of mourning that in part I have denied to myself. It's different, it's evolved into something more lonely, something deeper within. It must surely bottom out sometime and them rise up the other side. I guess this to, must just be my process through my loss and on to recovery out the other side. Such is life .. and death ... and all the package of learning and understanding it brings. It's a solitary road this. I knew it would be. We talked about it together in the weeks before. I knew it would be hard, but perhaps I have until even this evening, never acknowledged just how heavy the burden is to carry.
I am firm believer in balance and karma. Perhaps the balance of losing your soulmate and one you love so dearly is the balance in then learning how to stand alone without its support. What I carry deep inside will never be lost, can never be replaced, will never be replaced, will never be forgotten, but the balance is learning to walk again and walk free from the loss and into the light of life. How hard a journey it feels tonight and the light seems barely a discernable shift in shadow colour. Thanks for your replies, your compassion and your understanding. This soul wanders on, always in hope, always in love, but weary and very very tired.
Hi Russell, it sounds as though you've had very high expectations of yourself, possibly based on the promises you made to Lily. It is simply ridiculous to think that you could not go through a long period of deep mourning given the years you spent together. You can't switch off like that. You have to allow yourself to mourn freely, this time it's about you.
You were abused by family when you were at your most vulnerable..isn't this how many eating disorders begin? I think you know more about this than the rest of us, but with your 'professional' head on. I don't know how you self medicate I'm afraid. As you well know, abuse can be the root cause of many issues that can last a lifetime, let alone less than a year.
I doubt you can share that depth of grief with others, in the same way it would have been very difficult to explain the depth of love that you and Lily shared. So I recognise that you feel that this is a solitary journey.
I'm sorry if that's no help but I wanted to respond.
You were abused by family when you were at your most vulnerable..isn't this how many eating disorders begin? I think you know more about this than the rest of us, but with your 'professional' head on. I don't know how you self medicate I'm afraid. As you well know, abuse can be the root cause of many issues that can last a lifetime, let alone less than a year.
I doubt you can share that depth of grief with others, in the same way it would have been very difficult to explain the depth of love that you and Lily shared. So I recognise that you feel that this is a solitary journey.
I'm sorry if that's no help but I wanted to respond.
RaeB said:
Hi Russell, it sounds as though you've had very high expectations of yourself, possibly based on the promises you made to Lily. It is simply ridiculous to think that you could not go through a long period of deep mourning given the years you spent together. You can't switch off like that. You have to allow yourself to mourn freely, this time it's about you.
You were abused by family when you were at your most vulnerable..isn't this how many eating disorders begin? I think you know more about this than the rest of us, but with your 'professional' head on. I don't know how you self medicate I'm afraid. As you well know, abuse can be the root cause of many issues that can last a lifetime, let alone less than a year.
I doubt you can share that depth of grief with others, in the same way it would have been very difficult to explain the depth of love that you and Lily shared. So I recognise that you feel that this is a solitary journey.
I'm sorry if that's no help but I wanted to respond.
Thank you. You have touched upon many of my thoughts and the deepest one is this sense of the depth of grief and the fact that it is a solitary journey. I/we knew it would be. We talked about it in lots of different ways before Lily died and it is that part that at times screams for recognition and acknowledgement. Thank you for acknowledging it. You are in fact one of the few who has, who has not dismissed it. It makes a word of difference to me that you did. You were abused by family when you were at your most vulnerable..isn't this how many eating disorders begin? I think you know more about this than the rest of us, but with your 'professional' head on. I don't know how you self medicate I'm afraid. As you well know, abuse can be the root cause of many issues that can last a lifetime, let alone less than a year.
I doubt you can share that depth of grief with others, in the same way it would have been very difficult to explain the depth of love that you and Lily shared. So I recognise that you feel that this is a solitary journey.
I'm sorry if that's no help but I wanted to respond.
I don't and will not take any drugs per se to alleviate this. Lots of reasons why, but mainly because this is who I am and what I am experiencing and as hard as it is, I don't want to alter my reality that way. Family and abuse. Interesting words. It was something else those weeks. They were hellish indeed. I think that in part you are right. It's strange really. Mostly I am pretty grounded and real - no different to maybe two years ago in terms of emotional state and well being etc. But there is a part that I come back to and that is the sense of emotional tiredness from within. That I think is the part that will take longer than the promises made to Lily to resolve.
I do have a high expectation of myself. I promised that I would not spend the next year mourning - I have too much to do and too much I want to get on with. Yet I am slowly beginning to acknowlwdge and accept the truth of what you say that there are parts that need to recover at their own pace and in their own way. For that message, I thank you. Lily would say 'it takes as long as it takes'. In that, as with many things she was right and there are things that perhaps I would be wise not to push too hard on and just the processes process at their inner workings rate, so to speak. Thanks.
dmn - I never met Lily - but would have liked to - from everything you've said / posted she strikes me as an incredible woman in many ways.
She said "It takes as long as it takes." I sort of agree, BUT... (and I mean this in the gentlest possible way) is there a point at which even the wisdom of an incredibly insightful and sympathetic person ends, and perhaps one needs a boot in the arse to recalibrate oneself to practical reality?
I apologise in advance if what I've said sounds harsh - not meant to.
She said "It takes as long as it takes." I sort of agree, BUT... (and I mean this in the gentlest possible way) is there a point at which even the wisdom of an incredibly insightful and sympathetic person ends, and perhaps one needs a boot in the arse to recalibrate oneself to practical reality?
I apologise in advance if what I've said sounds harsh - not meant to.
now i don't know you although i have read about you and Lily with amazement at the strength both of you showed but feel free to possibly disregard everything i say, but surely Lily wouldn't want you to be miserable? Remember there is always professional help, and while it may seem pointless, and degrading you have been through much more than most, and there is no shame in seeking help, the very fact you have acknowledged that you are in a low shows that you are doing very well.
MC, no harshness read into anything you wrote. This is about my fifth attempt at replying to your comment. I do actually understand what you are saying - sometimes a kick is indeed helpful!
Perhaps the balance with this, that will enable me to move forwards is to resolve more the grief aspects and kick start this part of my life. Even the process of writing this has given me the space in my head to read back and understand more of myself. Time to resolve these issues and move forwards. In that you are right, the pragmatism must take the upper hand and lead the rest to resolution. Thanks MC.
Agrispeed, thank you for your reply. You are quite correct, Lily would not want me to end up stuck somewhere negative and destructive. Time to become more proactive in dealing with my issues. I'm lucky in that I know what they are. I have an idea how to resolve them myself. Time to make a start.
Thank you.
Perhaps the balance with this, that will enable me to move forwards is to resolve more the grief aspects and kick start this part of my life. Even the process of writing this has given me the space in my head to read back and understand more of myself. Time to resolve these issues and move forwards. In that you are right, the pragmatism must take the upper hand and lead the rest to resolution. Thanks MC.
Agrispeed, thank you for your reply. You are quite correct, Lily would not want me to end up stuck somewhere negative and destructive. Time to become more proactive in dealing with my issues. I'm lucky in that I know what they are. I have an idea how to resolve them myself. Time to make a start.
Thank you.
Bud,
I've just spotted this thread. I'm concerned for you. We ALL are. Great advice from the Crew above....the only thing I can add is that you are right to refer to how Lily might advise you regarding your grieving process. Her pragmatism obviously allowed her a great clarity of thought so the 'how would Lily deal with it?' question is hugely valid. Hang in there Fella, She's still part of everything you do...always will be.
When in OCT are you coming up to Skye? We're in IT from next Saturday for 3 weeks but obviously if you're passing and we're back, you have a berth......
Ali
I've just spotted this thread. I'm concerned for you. We ALL are. Great advice from the Crew above....the only thing I can add is that you are right to refer to how Lily might advise you regarding your grieving process. Her pragmatism obviously allowed her a great clarity of thought so the 'how would Lily deal with it?' question is hugely valid. Hang in there Fella, She's still part of everything you do...always will be.
When in OCT are you coming up to Skye? We're in IT from next Saturday for 3 weeks but obviously if you're passing and we're back, you have a berth......
Ali
drivin_me_nuts said:
MC, no harshness read into anything you wrote. This is about my fifth attempt at replying to your comment. I do actually understand what you are saying - sometimes a kick is indeed helpful!
Perhaps the balance with this, that will enable me to move forwards is to resolve more the grief aspects and kick start this part of my life. Even the process of writing this has given me the space in my head to read back and understand more of myself. Time to resolve these issues and move forwards. In that you are right, the pragmatism must take the upper hand and lead the rest to resolution. Thanks MC.
Agrispeed, thank you for your reply. You are quite correct, Lily would not want me to end up stuck somewhere negative and destructive. Time to become more proactive in dealing with my issues. I'm lucky in that I know what they are. I have an idea how to resolve them myself. Time to make a start.
Thank you.
HelloPerhaps the balance with this, that will enable me to move forwards is to resolve more the grief aspects and kick start this part of my life. Even the process of writing this has given me the space in my head to read back and understand more of myself. Time to resolve these issues and move forwards. In that you are right, the pragmatism must take the upper hand and lead the rest to resolution. Thanks MC.
Agrispeed, thank you for your reply. You are quite correct, Lily would not want me to end up stuck somewhere negative and destructive. Time to become more proactive in dealing with my issues. I'm lucky in that I know what they are. I have an idea how to resolve them myself. Time to make a start.
Thank you.
I don't know you but have similar experience.
That intense internal dark feeling needs to be respected and given the time to mellow into less of a heavy tiredness and more into a final sense of peace. Putting a timescale on it and pressuring yourself to be a machine and "get out there" too fast, is not giving that emotional load the time and space it needs to settle into something that no longer burdens you so heavily.
My advice is take the pressure right off. This process will take a minimum time and not dealing with it now and acknowledging how serious it is, will cause you great issues in the future and an intense inability "later" to feel the prooer sense of recovery that can only come with "nurturing" your grief.
What you are going through is profound and cannot be fast forwarded or compressed, so be kind to yourself, forget thoughts of "getting out there" in set timescales, self-imposed, with attendant heavy pressure, and accept that in time, peace will come.
Loss of appetite/interest is natural, again, give yourself a break and recognise that it will take time to return to a normal routine, same goes for the dark nights/mornings. Even an odd piece of toast is better than nothing. Living on basic staples is better than nothing, don't beat yourself up so hard over arbitrary timescales and milestones you believe you should have reached, the reality is that grieving has many stages and is a time-served process, which cannot be fast-tracked.
The heaviness and tiredness and dark pit will lift....in time....in the meantime, if you need to sleep for a day, then do what you need. Try to eat even one snack every day and in time you will establish a routine and appetite again.
It does get better and allowing yourself to fully immerse yourself and do what you feel is needed, will aid matters.
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff