Drinking - need to have a chat with a mate
Discussion
Hopefully the wise words of PH may be able to help here.
A mate of mine has always been a good laugh to go out with on the pop, however as the years have gone on he still likes to go out on the sauce. This is despite having two children and a loving fiance, he still goes out until the early hours a few times a week, plus as more of us settle down he gets increasingly random new people to stay out with.
I'm not sure in my mind that there is an alcohol dependency as such (yet), just more that he likes to go out and drink, stay out and has an aversion to coming home to his family. However, both his dad and his brother have had drink problems and it has recently caused the death of his father. Therefore keen to try and nip this in the bud sooner rather than later.
A few of us have decided that it's got a bit too far and we need to sit down with him for a friendly chat. We think a lunchtime may be best (as it's not the evening), however before we did I wondered where best to find out about what advice to give and also if anyone has had any experience of a similar situation?
A mate of mine has always been a good laugh to go out with on the pop, however as the years have gone on he still likes to go out on the sauce. This is despite having two children and a loving fiance, he still goes out until the early hours a few times a week, plus as more of us settle down he gets increasingly random new people to stay out with.
I'm not sure in my mind that there is an alcohol dependency as such (yet), just more that he likes to go out and drink, stay out and has an aversion to coming home to his family. However, both his dad and his brother have had drink problems and it has recently caused the death of his father. Therefore keen to try and nip this in the bud sooner rather than later.
A few of us have decided that it's got a bit too far and we need to sit down with him for a friendly chat. We think a lunchtime may be best (as it's not the evening), however before we did I wondered where best to find out about what advice to give and also if anyone has had any experience of a similar situation?
I would just leave him to it, to be honest. I think he'd be pretty annoyed at being confronted by a group of his "friends" who had all been talking about him behind his back. Some people just like to go out in the week, that does not neccessarily equate to having a problem. If anyone should say anything, it should be the fiance. That's if she's bothered.
BrabusMog said:
I would just leave him to it, to be honest. I think he'd be pretty annoyed at being confronted by a group of his "friends" who had all been talking about him behind his back. Some people just like to go out in the week, that does not neccessarily equate to having a problem. If anyone should say anything, it should be the fiance. That's if she's bothered.
She is very bothered, but it falls on deaf ears. She doesn't know what else to say, hence we think a word would help.I see it as a problem if he would rather go out with increasingly random groups of people rather than return home to his family.
You could be me talking with my friends about one of us. He's been like it off and on for years. It's clearly a problem and at times he will (jokingly) acknowledge it. He'll take a week or two off 'to prove he's not an alcy' then fall back into old habits.
None of us want to be the one(s) to start the ball rolling, but roll it must.
None of us want to be the one(s) to start the ball rolling, but roll it must.
CraigVmax said:
if he really does have a problem then anything you say will be totally irrelevant to him. He needs something to happen to him to make him decide to change. Its an illness and a very misunderstood one at that. its not simply a case of stopping drinking, it goes much deeper.
Agreed. Could be linked to an underriding sense of low self estem, lack of confidence, anything thats been pushed away for years.Try to get him off it whilst treating him with respect - but don't go all motherly and patronising on him. I remember I went through a bit of a stage and a good friend tried to be all parenty and overly "drinks and drugs are bad" and stuff, but it it just made be rebel from her (and the rest of my mates) even more.
It was only when I felt separated from the best people I ever knew, and that I was going nowhere good, that I realised my friends were right and that I had to sort myself out.
Maybe he needs to get to the bottom (as in, you guys walk away a bit and wait for him to crash) for him to realise he needs to change?
Soovy said:
How would you feel if someone sat you down and told you how to live your life?
I'd wonder when my mates lost all their intelligence. However, if a good friend expressed concern over my situation I'd be more receptive; it's the sort of thing I expect my good friends to do (and they have on at least one occasion).There's a difference between judging (telling how to live) and concern (worry about them and their family).
Soovy said:
soxboy said:
Soovy said:
Stay out of it.
Why?My point is that I don't want him to lose what he already has (a decent partner and family), furthermore if he were to lose everything I couldn't have it on my conscience that nothing had been at least tried to be done.
He may well tell me to f
k off and that it's none of my business, then so be it, but at least I would like to give helping him out a try.ewenm said:
Soovy said:
How would you feel if someone sat you down and told you how to live your life?
I'd wonder when my mates lost all their intelligence. However, if a good friend expressed concern over my situation I'd be more receptive; it's the sort of thing I expect my good friends to do (and they have on at least one occasion).There's a difference between judging (telling how to live) and concern (worry about them and their family).
If you are massively desperate to speak to then do so but, as ewenm says, express concern and don't tell him to stop going out and you may get through to him. Probably best to do it in a coffee shop and not down the pub, though.
ewenm said:
Soovy said:
How would you feel if someone sat you down and told you how to live your life?
I'd wonder when my mates lost all their intelligence. However, if a good friend expressed concern over my situation I'd be more receptive; it's the sort of thing I expect my good friends to do (and they have on at least one occasion).There's a difference between judging (telling how to live) and concern (worry about them and their family).
BrabusMog said:
Exactly. His missus has broched the subject and it's fallen on deaf ears, it would be even worse if it was a crowd of people - it'd feel like he is being ganged up on.
If you are massively desperate to speak to then do so but, as ewenm says, express concern and don't tell him to stop going out and you may get through to him. Probably best to do it in a coffee shop and not down the pub, though.
I would never tell him to stop going out, after all he's still a good mate to have few drinks with after work on a Friday, just to sit back and look at it in moderation. If you are massively desperate to speak to then do so but, as ewenm says, express concern and don't tell him to stop going out and you may get through to him. Probably best to do it in a coffee shop and not down the pub, though.
Sounds like a lifestyle choice tending towards alcohol dependancy. However, he could already be a functioning alcoholic that just hides it well.
Good of you to be concerned but i really don't think you will be able to do much. As always , he needs to realise he has a problem and then decide to get help.
As far as his fiance is concerned, she better get used to it or move on.
Sorry to sound so negative, but I have seen it many times. It rarely ends well.
pp
Good of you to be concerned but i really don't think you will be able to do much. As always , he needs to realise he has a problem and then decide to get help.
As far as his fiance is concerned, she better get used to it or move on.
Sorry to sound so negative, but I have seen it many times. It rarely ends well.
pp
You know what's better than telling someone what they can't do? Inviting them to do something else, with a bunch of friends.
Get him in to some new habits by doing stuff (easy tiger), together. I don't know exactly what, but some activity that you both/all want to do that eats in to his drinking time. Buy a track car that needs work and get him to help you? Become motorsport marshals and camp over at weekends? Ask him to come down the gym with you to help you. 5 a side? Badminton? Even going to the cinema.
I think something like that stands more chance of having the desired effect, than "We all got together and think you should stop masturbating".
At least if you fail you got a hobby to stop you bothering him!
Get him in to some new habits by doing stuff (easy tiger), together. I don't know exactly what, but some activity that you both/all want to do that eats in to his drinking time. Buy a track car that needs work and get him to help you? Become motorsport marshals and camp over at weekends? Ask him to come down the gym with you to help you. 5 a side? Badminton? Even going to the cinema.
I think something like that stands more chance of having the desired effect, than "We all got together and think you should stop masturbating".
At least if you fail you got a hobby to stop you bothering him!
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