Soon to be step children need help - advice ?
Discussion
I've ben a member on PH for over 100 months but I've registered this account to ask this specific question as I'd like to keep other people's identity private.
The soon to be Mrs PJ has an ex husband and three children. He's been the ex for 5 years, they don't get on but Mrs PJ makes a real effort to be civil and polite in front of the children despite his shouting and verbal abuse. He has them one weekend a month and occasional half terms and a few weeks over the summer holidays.
The children know he's not interested in them - when they come back they have behavioural problems which are often resolved with a cry and a hug from mum. (They also come back dirty and in tatty cloths) I haven't made my feeling known to the children because I'm in a loose loose situation, nothing I can say will help so I've kept quiet. We suspect he only has them to lower his maintenance payments and because of his job, it's good to be seen with children - he likes to be seen with them despite being too busy to talk to them most of the time and leaving them with his father.
My view is that he's a cruel, heartless coward of a man. He struggles to buy them presents at Christmas and birthdays, last year Mrs PJ bought a birthday present for one of them and told her it was from him and on the boys birthday his Dad had better things to do than deliver his present so he didn't get it until a month later. He's always telling them they now live in a rough, tatty, run down area of the country compared to where they used to live with him (they don't) and he runs their mum into the ground as soon as he opens his mouth, much of it centred around the divorce settlement, things she did or didn't do (much of it made up) etc. He has found it impossible to let go and despite it being so long ago, still seems to be living in the past which is clearly for him a very bitter, lonely place. He never spends time with them, never asks them how school is, knows nothing abut their lives, their friends etc. He's only ben to one parents evening at school in the last 5 yars and that was simply to have a go at Mrs PJ again.
The children are lovely and are between the ages of 7 and 12 and need a dad, or at least a good, positive image of their dad and they're not getting it. The issues sound trivial compared to problems some children have but to them, it's very hurtful and for the girtls, damaging their self worth and knocking their confidence for six.
Last weekend he was supposed to be returning them on Sunday but got one of the children to ring and say he would drop them off on Sat as he had other things to do on Sunday - we reluctantly agreed to this and arranged 4pm as he asked. We were late coming back on Sat (roadworks plus an accident) so rang to tell him and sent a txt when almost home. He had to wait around for about 45 mins. What we saw as we approached a village 3 miles from home sent a chill through me like I've never experienced before. He had driven the children to a small village and made them stand on the corner of a road whilst he waited in his car. It was near freezing and almost dark. As soon as he saw us arrive, he drove off. The children were devastated and looked haunted, humiliated and freezing cold.
I've, with Mrs PJ, set a boundary so he never comes into the house again - he used to occasionally pop in when he dropped them off. (I was horrified when I first met her that he was doing this and still talking to her the way he did - she thought it was better for the children to see heir dad) Mrs PJ was also driving the children 30 mins to drop them off to make the journey easier for them when he had them but that's stopped now too as he simply used it as an opportunity to shout at her and humiliate her.
I'd really appreciate some advice regarding this situation.
How can we stop him damaging the children's self esteem by constantly being negative and derogatory about their mum and where they live ? He doesn't listen when asked. He seems to not consider them at all.
What can we do, apart from being positive and caring, to hep their self esteem and confidence ?
It would be really good to hear what other people have found works in situations like this, suggestions of how to deal with him, help the children etc.
Mrs PJ has finally realised that his behaviour towards her was abusive and wrong and is taking herself out of situations where he has the opportunity to do this.
The soon to be Mrs PJ has an ex husband and three children. He's been the ex for 5 years, they don't get on but Mrs PJ makes a real effort to be civil and polite in front of the children despite his shouting and verbal abuse. He has them one weekend a month and occasional half terms and a few weeks over the summer holidays.
The children know he's not interested in them - when they come back they have behavioural problems which are often resolved with a cry and a hug from mum. (They also come back dirty and in tatty cloths) I haven't made my feeling known to the children because I'm in a loose loose situation, nothing I can say will help so I've kept quiet. We suspect he only has them to lower his maintenance payments and because of his job, it's good to be seen with children - he likes to be seen with them despite being too busy to talk to them most of the time and leaving them with his father.
My view is that he's a cruel, heartless coward of a man. He struggles to buy them presents at Christmas and birthdays, last year Mrs PJ bought a birthday present for one of them and told her it was from him and on the boys birthday his Dad had better things to do than deliver his present so he didn't get it until a month later. He's always telling them they now live in a rough, tatty, run down area of the country compared to where they used to live with him (they don't) and he runs their mum into the ground as soon as he opens his mouth, much of it centred around the divorce settlement, things she did or didn't do (much of it made up) etc. He has found it impossible to let go and despite it being so long ago, still seems to be living in the past which is clearly for him a very bitter, lonely place. He never spends time with them, never asks them how school is, knows nothing abut their lives, their friends etc. He's only ben to one parents evening at school in the last 5 yars and that was simply to have a go at Mrs PJ again.
The children are lovely and are between the ages of 7 and 12 and need a dad, or at least a good, positive image of their dad and they're not getting it. The issues sound trivial compared to problems some children have but to them, it's very hurtful and for the girtls, damaging their self worth and knocking their confidence for six.
Last weekend he was supposed to be returning them on Sunday but got one of the children to ring and say he would drop them off on Sat as he had other things to do on Sunday - we reluctantly agreed to this and arranged 4pm as he asked. We were late coming back on Sat (roadworks plus an accident) so rang to tell him and sent a txt when almost home. He had to wait around for about 45 mins. What we saw as we approached a village 3 miles from home sent a chill through me like I've never experienced before. He had driven the children to a small village and made them stand on the corner of a road whilst he waited in his car. It was near freezing and almost dark. As soon as he saw us arrive, he drove off. The children were devastated and looked haunted, humiliated and freezing cold.
I've, with Mrs PJ, set a boundary so he never comes into the house again - he used to occasionally pop in when he dropped them off. (I was horrified when I first met her that he was doing this and still talking to her the way he did - she thought it was better for the children to see heir dad) Mrs PJ was also driving the children 30 mins to drop them off to make the journey easier for them when he had them but that's stopped now too as he simply used it as an opportunity to shout at her and humiliate her.
I'd really appreciate some advice regarding this situation.
How can we stop him damaging the children's self esteem by constantly being negative and derogatory about their mum and where they live ? He doesn't listen when asked. He seems to not consider them at all.
What can we do, apart from being positive and caring, to hep their self esteem and confidence ?
It would be really good to hear what other people have found works in situations like this, suggestions of how to deal with him, help the children etc.
Mrs PJ has finally realised that his behaviour towards her was abusive and wrong and is taking herself out of situations where he has the opportunity to do this.
He sounds like the pr1ck my Mrs used to be married to. Fun isnt it lol. TBH these days he does see the kids etc in fact one of them now lives with him.
The main thing for him was to get at my Mrs. He will do anything to get at her or make her look bad and still does these days although not as much as he used to.
For eg the kids would stay at his for a weekend. Mrs and i would be out somewhere for the day, get a phone call off the kids asking to come home. When we asked why it was because Daddy was going out. Mrs always felt we had to go back home etc so she didnt upset the kids. This happend more and more or he wouldnt turn up to pick them up etc.
What we did was asked him for set days when he was to have the kids and told him that we were sticking to those days and times - he agreed. That way we / he could plan doing things to fit in arround the kids.
Of course he then tried it on again after a few weeks. It just so happend we were away for the night and even if we wanted to get back we couldnt. So the first time we refused to comply to his demands he took it out on the kids. ( as he normally does )
Texts went something like this - He wont speak to my Mrs so goes through one of the kids.
Mum can you pick us up please
No sorry i cant were away, why whats up ?
Dads going out
Sorry its your dads weekend as we agreed.
Dad says if you dont pick us up he wont take us on holliday
How sad eh ? This is the type of thing we constantly have to put up with.
All my Mrs has done has got harder with the Ex and i certainly wont put up with his stupidity. This went from bad to worse at first but once he realised he couldnt boss her / us about anymore things died down a lot. Actually to the point that weve not had a run in for about 6 months until last week. At one point it was every day.
The main thing for us is we try to do our best for the kids. My Mrs has tried to explain how his actions will affect the kids etc - he just carrys on. We dont bad mouth him in front of the kids or anything. Actually the kids are now old enough to realise that Dad is a class 1 tool and half the time dont want anything to do with him now. Thats upto the kids we dont force them to do something they dont want to do.
The main thing for him was to get at my Mrs. He will do anything to get at her or make her look bad and still does these days although not as much as he used to.
For eg the kids would stay at his for a weekend. Mrs and i would be out somewhere for the day, get a phone call off the kids asking to come home. When we asked why it was because Daddy was going out. Mrs always felt we had to go back home etc so she didnt upset the kids. This happend more and more or he wouldnt turn up to pick them up etc.
What we did was asked him for set days when he was to have the kids and told him that we were sticking to those days and times - he agreed. That way we / he could plan doing things to fit in arround the kids.
Of course he then tried it on again after a few weeks. It just so happend we were away for the night and even if we wanted to get back we couldnt. So the first time we refused to comply to his demands he took it out on the kids. ( as he normally does )
Texts went something like this - He wont speak to my Mrs so goes through one of the kids.
Mum can you pick us up please
No sorry i cant were away, why whats up ?
Dads going out
Sorry its your dads weekend as we agreed.
Dad says if you dont pick us up he wont take us on holliday
How sad eh ? This is the type of thing we constantly have to put up with.
All my Mrs has done has got harder with the Ex and i certainly wont put up with his stupidity. This went from bad to worse at first but once he realised he couldnt boss her / us about anymore things died down a lot. Actually to the point that weve not had a run in for about 6 months until last week. At one point it was every day.
The main thing for us is we try to do our best for the kids. My Mrs has tried to explain how his actions will affect the kids etc - he just carrys on. We dont bad mouth him in front of the kids or anything. Actually the kids are now old enough to realise that Dad is a class 1 tool and half the time dont want anything to do with him now. Thats upto the kids we dont force them to do something they dont want to do.
Any man can be a father but not any man can be a daddy....
Is there a court order in place for the father's visiting rights? If yes then he's most likely in breach of that order but unfortunately to enforce that order your mrs has to take him to court.
Given the ages of the children it won't be long until the court via CAFCASS will listen to the kids point of view and take action with regard to visit's based on that.
You have to be the main man in their lives and do the things that their useless father should be doing, they will soon realise who is important and who is not.
Plus the bloke is most likely being a tool to disrupt your lives without thinking about the kids involved.
Good luck, it will work out positive in the end.
Is there a court order in place for the father's visiting rights? If yes then he's most likely in breach of that order but unfortunately to enforce that order your mrs has to take him to court.
Given the ages of the children it won't be long until the court via CAFCASS will listen to the kids point of view and take action with regard to visit's based on that.
You have to be the main man in their lives and do the things that their useless father should be doing, they will soon realise who is important and who is not.
Plus the bloke is most likely being a tool to disrupt your lives without thinking about the kids involved.
Good luck, it will work out positive in the end.
Thanks for the replies, much appreciated.
No court order in place as wasn't necessary originally. Is this something that might help ? Can they make an order regarding is behaviour ?
It's good to know that he's not unique, that we and the children aren't alone in suffering like this.
I've always thought fathers should have access to their children and the courts are traditionally less lenient on them, siding with the mothers but I can easily see now why some mothers simply want to cut their ex out of their lives completely. I can't imagine what is going on in his head and I'm glad my problems are clearly so small compared to his.
No court order in place as wasn't necessary originally. Is this something that might help ? Can they make an order regarding is behaviour ?
It's good to know that he's not unique, that we and the children aren't alone in suffering like this.
I've always thought fathers should have access to their children and the courts are traditionally less lenient on them, siding with the mothers but I can easily see now why some mothers simply want to cut their ex out of their lives completely. I can't imagine what is going on in his head and I'm glad my problems are clearly so small compared to his.
pharmvrs said:
You have to be the main man in their lives and do the things that their useless father should be doing, they will soon realise who is important and who is not.
theshrew said:
The main thing for us is we try to do our best for the kids.
This is what we're doing and it does seem to be working, the youngest is very positive about me and his behaviour has improved except at the times he sees his father. It's very satisfying to be able to help them too, much more so than I originally imagined.pauljay said:
This is what we're doing and it does seem to be working, the youngest is very positive about me and his behaviour has improved except at the times he sees his father. It's very satisfying to be able to help them too, much more so than I originally imagined.
At first mine were fine got on great with all of them. After a while he turned them against me. For eg if it was our turn to take them to his house i wasnt permitted to take them, If i asked them to do or dont do something they were told by him not to take any notice or if i asked them if they wanted to go swimming or anything they had to say no. The oldest 2 soon realised what was going on and began to treat me normal again. The youngest was different story all together he is a real pain in the backside. His dad made him go and live with him after a couple of years which made things go from bad to worse. Everytime he came to ours it was like a battle field 1 because of his dad teaching him to hate me and to a certain extent his mum 2 his dad letting him do whatever he wanted. We have rules and if he didnt keep to them he go pumished we stook to this no matter how hard it got and now hes soooo much better its only every now and then it all kicks off.
If i was you id try not to go down the court route if you can help it as it will only make things worse. Best to try and get set times days or whatever in place. I certainly no if i ever split up from my Mrs our dasughter would come first before anything else i did. Just dont get how people can just walk away and not care.
Is he really having them enough to lower payments. It has to be the equilivent of 2 out of every 7 days.
I would stop them seeing him if he is treating them badly and it is knocking their confidence etc.
Talk to your local Eary Intervention and Prevention unit at your local Council. They can do an assessment which will pinpoint the unhappiness the children have which is obviously to do with their Father.
Should he then try to take you to Court for withholding access then you will already have proof that his behaviour in not good for them.
I feel for you all, children (& other Adults) should not have to be put through this.
I would stop them seeing him if he is treating them badly and it is knocking their confidence etc.
Talk to your local Eary Intervention and Prevention unit at your local Council. They can do an assessment which will pinpoint the unhappiness the children have which is obviously to do with their Father.
Should he then try to take you to Court for withholding access then you will already have proof that his behaviour in not good for them.
I feel for you all, children (& other Adults) should not have to be put through this.
pharmvrs said:
You have to be the main man in their lives and do the things that their useless father should be doing, they will soon realise who is important and who is not.
My uncle was in a similar position. His partner had a child from a previous marriage and he has done all he could to be there for that child and make up for the shortcomings of the child's biological father. Long and short of it is 2 years ago he walked her down the aisle and gave her away at her wedding, and is now (for all intents and purposes) a grandfather.
It would be very admirable for you to put yourself in the same position and be the dad that these kids deserve and need. Admittedly not everybody would be able to do that for children that aren't biologically theirs, but from everything you said it seems as though you have the love and care for those children to be able to do it.
In my personal opinion, the fact that their biological father is a waste of space isn't a good enough reason for them to grow up without a father figure.
Court Orders would only order your missus to make the children available on certain dates: it will not order him what to do with the children or how to do it on those days.
Personally, I would sit the children down (one by one) and really find out what's going on and what they would like to happen. Courts would take the 12 year old's wishes into account anyway.
Then I would get your missues (not you) to write a letter to him, outlining their wishes. Give him a chance. If he doesn't change, then I would stop him from seeing them telling him he is not complying with their wishes.
He would then need to go via the Courts to re-start access, which would include CAFCASS reports on him and his actions (and on your missus): this could take up to 12 months. A lot can happen in 12 months.
I do not suggest this lightly: I am a divorced father who spent 10 years in Court with my XW obtaining Orders to see my children: however I accept that some fathers (and some mothers) are not fit to be a parent.
Personally, I would sit the children down (one by one) and really find out what's going on and what they would like to happen. Courts would take the 12 year old's wishes into account anyway.
Then I would get your missues (not you) to write a letter to him, outlining their wishes. Give him a chance. If he doesn't change, then I would stop him from seeing them telling him he is not complying with their wishes.
He would then need to go via the Courts to re-start access, which would include CAFCASS reports on him and his actions (and on your missus): this could take up to 12 months. A lot can happen in 12 months.
I do not suggest this lightly: I am a divorced father who spent 10 years in Court with my XW obtaining Orders to see my children: however I accept that some fathers (and some mothers) are not fit to be a parent.
pauljay said:
....Last weekend he was supposed to be returning them on Sunday but got one of the children to ring and say he would drop them off on Sat as he had other things to do on Sunday - we reluctantly agreed to this and arranged 4pm as he asked. We were late coming back on Sat (roadworks plus an accident) so rang to tell him and sent a txt when almost home. He had to wait around for about 45 mins. What we saw as we approached a village 3 miles from home sent a chill through me like I've never experienced before. He had driven the children to a small village and made them stand on the corner of a road whilst he waited in his car. It was near freezing and almost dark. As soon as he saw us arrive, he drove off. The children were devastated and looked haunted, humiliated and freezing cold....
That is child cruelty surely? Their Mother should really be trying to cancel the children's contact with him completely after the above incident.
Why would anyone want to treat their kids like that, makes me sad.
I really feel for you as this is a horrible and difficult situation to find yourself in.
Good luck, having 3 step children myself, I can say it is very rewarding when they consider you as an important part of their lives.
Duncan
Unless it's court ordered contact, he has no actual right to time with them at all.
With this in mind I think the first thing to do would be to establish whether each of the children wishes the visits to continue in their current format.
Regardless of what he wants, each child has the right to refuse to go to such visits, and it sounds like it's quite possible that some/all of the kids may have had enough of this vile behaviour by now.
You sound like a caring and incredibly considerate parent, they are lucky to have you and over time you WILL be able to settle into the parenting role, perhaps totally, defintely at least somewhat.
With this in mind I think the first thing to do would be to establish whether each of the children wishes the visits to continue in their current format.
Regardless of what he wants, each child has the right to refuse to go to such visits, and it sounds like it's quite possible that some/all of the kids may have had enough of this vile behaviour by now.
You sound like a caring and incredibly considerate parent, they are lucky to have you and over time you WILL be able to settle into the parenting role, perhaps totally, defintely at least somewhat.
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