Having a really difficult time with first baby
Discussion
Recently my wife and I had our first baby. We have been together a long time and our relationship is very strong.
We had always hoped to be parents, waiting until it "felt right" - and eventually realising that it never really does so we just went for it anyhow!
I felt apprehensive all the way through the pregnancy as I'm sure many do, not sure if I ever felt excited, just scared! Kept myself going by thinking of all the good things to come - days out, smiles, hugs, etc - and thinking about the relationship I have with my parents which is really good; especially with my dad.
When my daughter was born, things did not go according to plan and it was pretty traumatic all round really. My overriding feeling was that there was this thing causing the woman I loved most in the world the most unimaginable pain and injury. Spent a rather unpleasant 90 minutes or so sitting on my own in the delivery room with my daughter waiting for my wife to come back from a "simple 30m" surgical procedure. Dark times.
She was kept in hospital for a couple of days which was OK. I was in from 9am until 10pm each day and found my daughter fine to deal with; no dramas.
The problems started the day we came home. I seem to have no feelings for my daughter, which makes me feel hugely guilty. I assumed I would suddenly feel paternal and loving when this thing came out. Instead all I feel is resentment, and in my darkest times I am ashamed to admit, almost hate for this poor innocent thing. I just keep thinking of the great life we used to have and all the things we won't be able to do again. It feels like I am in mourning for our old life. My wife is fantastic with our daughter. They have bonded well, feeding is going well, and she has the patience of a saint. She's aware of how I feel an is being incredibly supportive of me which makes me feel even worse as I should be supporting her. I just can't help feeling that I may have made the biggest mistake of my life. I am scared that, amazing, patient and supportive as my wife is, ultimately it will drive a wedge between us. I've had the odd moment of panic, feeling like I was going to throw up, and I have found myself bursting into tears repeatedly and spontaneously. I'm looking for excuses to go out (pick stuff up for the baby, etc.) which isn't fair on my wife and again I can't help thinking will drive a wedge between us. Found myself driving back from Mothercare earlier today sobbing with tears streaming down my face. It feels like a nightmare from which I can't wake up.
I suppose I am hoping for some reassurance that this is normal, things will get better, and that it is the best thing I have ever done. At the moment I just wish I could go back a year and tell myself "Don't.". I feel trapped and panicky. I am trying to give myself a good dose of MTFU and sometimes it helps if I keep busy, but then the next minute the tears are streaming down my face again. I am aware that baby blues/post natal depression can occur in men too, and I am also now aware that this might be a bit more common than I had previously thought.
It doesn't help that I am exhausted (was well behind on sleep beforehand, but since the trauma of the birth and the inevitable sleepless nights afterwards, even more so), not eating very well, and also fighting off some sort of bug. I'm up and down a lot, one minute I'm trying to be positive and putting a brave face on it, the next I feel like I am staring into an endless abyss.
I'm sure some will think I should have thought about this a bit earlier - they're probably right. The truth is, I did, and I was as sure as I could be that it was what I wanted. I also realise that nothing can change the situation so it is pointless moaning about it but I suppose I am just looking for some reassurance. I am aware that this thread may not go well for me, it makes me sound like some kind of monster. I don't really know why I'm posting, I was hoping it might be cathartic to get my thoughts down and hear others' points of view...
We had always hoped to be parents, waiting until it "felt right" - and eventually realising that it never really does so we just went for it anyhow!
I felt apprehensive all the way through the pregnancy as I'm sure many do, not sure if I ever felt excited, just scared! Kept myself going by thinking of all the good things to come - days out, smiles, hugs, etc - and thinking about the relationship I have with my parents which is really good; especially with my dad.
When my daughter was born, things did not go according to plan and it was pretty traumatic all round really. My overriding feeling was that there was this thing causing the woman I loved most in the world the most unimaginable pain and injury. Spent a rather unpleasant 90 minutes or so sitting on my own in the delivery room with my daughter waiting for my wife to come back from a "simple 30m" surgical procedure. Dark times.
She was kept in hospital for a couple of days which was OK. I was in from 9am until 10pm each day and found my daughter fine to deal with; no dramas.
The problems started the day we came home. I seem to have no feelings for my daughter, which makes me feel hugely guilty. I assumed I would suddenly feel paternal and loving when this thing came out. Instead all I feel is resentment, and in my darkest times I am ashamed to admit, almost hate for this poor innocent thing. I just keep thinking of the great life we used to have and all the things we won't be able to do again. It feels like I am in mourning for our old life. My wife is fantastic with our daughter. They have bonded well, feeding is going well, and she has the patience of a saint. She's aware of how I feel an is being incredibly supportive of me which makes me feel even worse as I should be supporting her. I just can't help feeling that I may have made the biggest mistake of my life. I am scared that, amazing, patient and supportive as my wife is, ultimately it will drive a wedge between us. I've had the odd moment of panic, feeling like I was going to throw up, and I have found myself bursting into tears repeatedly and spontaneously. I'm looking for excuses to go out (pick stuff up for the baby, etc.) which isn't fair on my wife and again I can't help thinking will drive a wedge between us. Found myself driving back from Mothercare earlier today sobbing with tears streaming down my face. It feels like a nightmare from which I can't wake up.
I suppose I am hoping for some reassurance that this is normal, things will get better, and that it is the best thing I have ever done. At the moment I just wish I could go back a year and tell myself "Don't.". I feel trapped and panicky. I am trying to give myself a good dose of MTFU and sometimes it helps if I keep busy, but then the next minute the tears are streaming down my face again. I am aware that baby blues/post natal depression can occur in men too, and I am also now aware that this might be a bit more common than I had previously thought.
It doesn't help that I am exhausted (was well behind on sleep beforehand, but since the trauma of the birth and the inevitable sleepless nights afterwards, even more so), not eating very well, and also fighting off some sort of bug. I'm up and down a lot, one minute I'm trying to be positive and putting a brave face on it, the next I feel like I am staring into an endless abyss.
I'm sure some will think I should have thought about this a bit earlier - they're probably right. The truth is, I did, and I was as sure as I could be that it was what I wanted. I also realise that nothing can change the situation so it is pointless moaning about it but I suppose I am just looking for some reassurance. I am aware that this thread may not go well for me, it makes me sound like some kind of monster. I don't really know why I'm posting, I was hoping it might be cathartic to get my thoughts down and hear others' points of view...
You will be fine.
I cannot tell you how much stress and anxiety I felt when my little girl was born, similar situation with a difficult birth and then she was a moaning raging beast once we did get her home.
I posted a thread in this section that was a virtual diary, link below, read it and reasise that you are not the first, not the last and you will get over it.
My sympathies go to you and you are not alone, I will keep an eye on this topic and you can ask me anything you want.
http://www.pistonheads.co.uk/gassing/topic.asp?h=0...
I cannot tell you how much stress and anxiety I felt when my little girl was born, similar situation with a difficult birth and then she was a moaning raging beast once we did get her home.
I posted a thread in this section that was a virtual diary, link below, read it and reasise that you are not the first, not the last and you will get over it.
My sympathies go to you and you are not alone, I will keep an eye on this topic and you can ask me anything you want.
http://www.pistonheads.co.uk/gassing/topic.asp?h=0...
Edited by Getragdogleg on Sunday 21st October 18:13
Don't worry - it will get better, support your wife and remember that in time your baby will reciprocate your love and will slowly start interacting with you.
Before you know it she will be the most enjoyable and important thing in your life.
The traumatic birth doesn't help, my wife lost 6 pints of blood and started drifting down the feint pulse, no pulse, flat line route but she pulled through.
For about an hour I thought I was about to be a single father with a dead wife and a new born baby. Very scary!
Anyway you'll be fine but don't bottle it up and really don't dwell on it. It's not a given that all parents are immediately ok with a massive life changing experience - in fact in life nothing is a given
Before you know it she will be the most enjoyable and important thing in your life.
The traumatic birth doesn't help, my wife lost 6 pints of blood and started drifting down the feint pulse, no pulse, flat line route but she pulled through.
For about an hour I thought I was about to be a single father with a dead wife and a new born baby. Very scary!
Anyway you'll be fine but don't bottle it up and really don't dwell on it. It's not a given that all parents are immediately ok with a massive life changing experience - in fact in life nothing is a given
I'm a fairly new mum, baby CC is 16 weeks old today, so I can't offer a Dad's viewpoint sorry. However I do know that it s normal for new Dads to feel overwhelmed. I also know this can be heightened if the birth was traumatic, it must be awful to be so powerless when the woman you love is going through pain and/or surgery. I hope that what you are feeling is just temporary and soon passes as you settle into your new life with your new family. Keep talking to your wife. Take some time to try and bond with your daughter, it doesn't always happy instantly which can be scary for new parents but there are lots of things you can do to help with the bonding/attachment process.
i will also mention that Dad's can get postnatal depression as well http://www.nhs.uk/news/2010/09September/Pages/new-... If you don't feel any better in a few days please see your GP x
i will also mention that Dad's can get postnatal depression as well http://www.nhs.uk/news/2010/09September/Pages/new-... If you don't feel any better in a few days please see your GP x
You need to spend some quality time with the baby. Not just for an hour or so. Hopefully this will make you realise how vulnerable she is and that ultimately..she is yours.
Have some beers with mates & open up to them. Pals can be kind, tough and blunt. And someone may relate to it.
The key is you need to get your head straight then spend time with her.
Neighbour of mine has 2 kids, he is forever washing the car fishing, in the garden, playing golf basically anything to escape the kids. his wife is currently in china for 2 months with the kids (2 young toddlers) to get help from her parents. He seems to be loving the time off.
Also the relationship will be different with your wife, you have to accept this (not necessarily bad, just different)
Best of luck & congratulations. I hope you get through this quickly for being a parent is hard work but wonderful
Have some beers with mates & open up to them. Pals can be kind, tough and blunt. And someone may relate to it.
The key is you need to get your head straight then spend time with her.
Neighbour of mine has 2 kids, he is forever washing the car fishing, in the garden, playing golf basically anything to escape the kids. his wife is currently in china for 2 months with the kids (2 young toddlers) to get help from her parents. He seems to be loving the time off.
Also the relationship will be different with your wife, you have to accept this (not necessarily bad, just different)
Best of luck & congratulations. I hope you get through this quickly for being a parent is hard work but wonderful
You are not on your own with this. The whole sense of rejection etc. Nature kind of expects this response from new fathers in that babies tend to look a bit more like dad after a couple of weeks then until they are about 9 months old.
That empty, not involved feeling will pass. Get involved and help out as much as you can is the plan.
That empty, not involved feeling will pass. Get involved and help out as much as you can is the plan.
You are being selfish and self centred, only concerned for your lost lifestyle and that you have to share your partners love with you daughter
Take the time to bond with your daughter and realise you are now a family
Seek professional help for your issues otherwise all your fears will come to fruition
Take the time to bond with your daughter and realise you are now a family
Seek professional help for your issues otherwise all your fears will come to fruition
sparkypups said:
You are being selfish and self centred, only concerned for your lost lifestyle and that you have to share your partners love with you daughter
Take the time to bond with your daughter and realise you are now a family
Seek professional help for your issues otherwise all your fears will come to fruition
To be fair I am doing my bit and being supportive, getting up for nighttime feeds even though there's nothing I can do apart from give support, etc. My wife has said she feels that I'm getting stuck in although maybe I could hold her more. I just feel absolutely nothing for her - I can't help how I feel Take the time to bond with your daughter and realise you are now a family
Seek professional help for your issues otherwise all your fears will come to fruition
ConfusedDad said:
To be fair I am doing my bit and being supportive, getting up for nighttime feeds even though there's nothing I can do apart from give support, etc. My wife has said she feels that I'm getting stuck in although maybe I could hold her more. I just feel absolutely nothing for her - I can't help how I feel
Why drag your arse out of bed at stupid o'clock when you are not bottle feeding? Fook that, get some earplugs in and sleep. There's no point in you both being totally knackered and at least then you'll feel better and up for doing the dad stuff through the dayI've got 2 girls 3.5 and 11 months. It is hard sometimes but gets easier as they get older. I no longer works Mondays so get to spend proper quality time with them on my own. It's harder than going to work but is pretty cool.
Chin up!
As above keep calm, go for a pint with your mates, celebrate the baby's arrival / existence, think of the great things to come and realise that the next 9-12 months are intense but amazingly rewarding. Speak to family, speak to others, you'll find more people than you think who've been through the same.
Most of all if you're not coping, and you feel you need help then for f
ks same go and get it.
Hell I'll even go for a pint with you if it helps!!!!
Calm down its ok!!!!!!!!
Most of all if you're not coping, and you feel you need help then for f
ks same go and get it.Hell I'll even go for a pint with you if it helps!!!!
Calm down its ok!!!!!!!!
sparkypups said:
You are being selfish and self centred, only concerned for your lost lifestyle and that you have to share your partners love with you daughter
Take the time to bond with your daughter and realise you are now a family
Seek professional help for your issues otherwise all your fears will come to fruition
Wow, ever considered working for the Samaritans? Here's a tip, don't...Take the time to bond with your daughter and realise you are now a family
Seek professional help for your issues otherwise all your fears will come to fruition
One of the most awful experiences of my life was the birth of my first child. Due to the circumstances beforehand and then me being so ill I was unconsious for some hours post the section, I really wasn't sure that it was my baby.
I'm female and that whole bonding thing is meant to be a given.
It should get better. I've had two more children in slightly less but fairly traumatic circumstances and it didn't happen again.
Seek help. I managed to cope by myself but it took a long time and I'm convinced that help is the sensible route (but who listens to their own advice).
I'm female and that whole bonding thing is meant to be a given.
It should get better. I've had two more children in slightly less but fairly traumatic circumstances and it didn't happen again.
Seek help. I managed to cope by myself but it took a long time and I'm convinced that help is the sensible route (but who listens to their own advice).
I got up for every feed even though I didn't need to, I also did all the nappies and running around for the first two weeks. I found being busy was best.
It is a life changer, it will get better, Mine is one next week and she is such a little character, smiles, fun, and little things that she will only do for me like pull faces on command and splash her feet in the bath when I tell her.
The first couple of months were horrible, I regreted having her, I felt guilty about it. Felt bad for feeling she was taking all my wifes attention, It all changed for me when I relaxed, listened to those around me who told me the time passes very quickly and you will be fine.
A year has passed now and it feels like a few months, I am a dad now and cannot imagine what I used to do without her, I think all the time spent watching TV or going out was time wasted and that I had no real purpose.
Post here when you feel good or bad, you will be able to go back and read it and see how far you will have come.
It is a life changer, it will get better, Mine is one next week and she is such a little character, smiles, fun, and little things that she will only do for me like pull faces on command and splash her feet in the bath when I tell her.
The first couple of months were horrible, I regreted having her, I felt guilty about it. Felt bad for feeling she was taking all my wifes attention, It all changed for me when I relaxed, listened to those around me who told me the time passes very quickly and you will be fine.
A year has passed now and it feels like a few months, I am a dad now and cannot imagine what I used to do without her, I think all the time spent watching TV or going out was time wasted and that I had no real purpose.
Post here when you feel good or bad, you will be able to go back and read it and see how far you will have come.
You'll be fine. Before you have a child, other parents don't tell you how hard it really is because you don't have any context within which to understand what they'd tell you. But in any event, it's harder for some than others, as with anything else in life.
Look after your wife. She's been through a lot.
Feeling like you do now is not that unusual but when your little one grows a little older, and she smiles at you, and grabs you tightly for a Dad cuddle, it's very much odds on that you'll bond like you wouldn't believe, and you'll forget all this.
Good luck.
Look after your wife. She's been through a lot.
Feeling like you do now is not that unusual but when your little one grows a little older, and she smiles at you, and grabs you tightly for a Dad cuddle, it's very much odds on that you'll bond like you wouldn't believe, and you'll forget all this.
Good luck.
ConfusedDad said:
Really? I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I have just spent the last hour talking to myself in a loud voice to try and stop myself thinking but I feel like my wife is slipping away from me. This is after a couple of nights at home.
If this panic doesn't pass please go and see your GP. If it gets really bad, please consider speaking to someone and sharing this asap - family, friends, Samaritans.Sometimes people who witness to or are family/friends of the victim of a traumatic event can actually have a stronger reaction than the victim themselves. The victim is in the thick of it and cortisol, unconciousness etc can act to block the worst of it. Witnesses on the other hand don't get the benefit of this, and are often completely powerless to boot.
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