I Think My Dad is Beginning to Lose His Marbles
Discussion
He's 73 and has always been a bit 'hands on' with everything; he didn't mind a scrap or two in his day and is still a bit of geezer in his old age.
My parents split up when I was around four years-old. Dad remarried a couple of years after the event. Predictably, she turned out to be a real piece of work and this really started to show once she'd had her own kid with my dad (they have three together). My relationship with my dad wasn't great as she always occupied his time with her, their own kids and her family. Of course he has to accept responsibility for his actions but our relationship has since been quite a fragmented one. That said, when it matters I'm always there for him and despite all the BS, we can still sit down and have a beer and reminisce like old friends (and we do get on like best mates). Last year he was involved in a gas incident (face and hands burned) and I traveled from Barnet to Stoke Mandeville every day to care for him - even if it meant to help him pass the time. On the day of his release, I drove him home (to Slough) while his family were at work (they expected him to get a bus).
He's recently had a bit of a barney with his son and things got very heated. Some very spiteful things were said (to my dad) during that exchange. At one point, his son even offered him out.
Trying to keep out of their argument (as much as I felt the urge to stick one on him) I made sure that dad was OK (he was very angry/upset). In fact, he was so disgusted with his other son, he looked back over his marriage and decided to leave his family home and move into another house he owns which was previously rented out. A week later he served divorce papers.
I just want to see that he's OK. Make sure that the heating is on and that he eats regularly. He won't come and stay with me because it's too far from his 'manor' and he has things which he does there on a daily basis. I'm happy to phone every day and pop in as much as I can. His son has done a disappearing act which has done me a favour TBH as I won't have to resist the urge to knock his lights out if he's not so accessible.
But one thing has become very clear in a week of more regular contact with him. Dad's losing the plot.
He's showing signs of regression - he keeps referring back to when his life was trouble free (pre current wife marriage) and how he never had any trouble from his two kids before he remarried. He's also fantasising about starting a construction business; a property maintenance firm and also an electrician (by himself). He also wants to learn how to repair and replace windscreens so he can set himself up covering his local area (because I don't!). It's like he wants to do things that he couldn't do while he was living with/married to his wife.
To speak to him, he's coherent and still pretty much himself. But he gets fidgety; he can't sit still without reaching for something to show me, like some tools he bought from 'Skrewphicks' or bags of plaster he bought from a builders merchant (and he goes through every detail over and over again). Most conversations are drawn out and he often distracts himself and goes off topic (but does return to it eventually).
This evening, I spent a couple of hours with him and I've seen some Rizzla papers with roaches ripped off the pack. I asked and he admitted to smoking weed. He's been a casual smoker (cigs) for as long as I can remember; he once caught me puffing a bit of hash (in my teens) and joined in for a puff! But that was then - I got it out of my system and it was something I will always look back on as the day I had a splee with the old man!
But he seems lost. It's like he's been freed from captivity (his wife is insecure and very much is the controlling type - she's a nasty bit of work, much younger than him too). But with his liberty (at 73) has come a bit of a brain wobble.
He has two elder brothers both of whom (in their 80s) are suffering from some kind of senile dementia. I'm thinking, is this now his turn (and something for me to look forward to in my later years) or is he in some kind of shock - some kind of post traumatic stress disorder? Remember, the gas explosion, the realisation that since 1975 he's allowed himself to be controlled by his wife especially now that his family (with her) is in tatters...
The old man's a proud man - very Chuck Norris/Rambo (he's pulled a couple of his own teeth out with grips rather than go to the dentist) and even when he caught alight in the gas explosion, he still managed to switch the mains off and walk home to have a shower (but eventually he was air-lifted to Stoke Mandeville, his burns were that bad!).
I'll carry on looking after him as best I can (he's clearly desperate for me and my boys to be in his life). It's not a problem - it's my duty as much as it has always been my wish since I felt excluded from his life from the moment 'she' arrived.
But the losing his marbles thing... not sure how to handle it (if there is anything at all I can do?).
Apologies for the long post - been meaning to get it off my chest but didn't realise that there is so much detail in the background. I'm looking to engage with anyone who recognises these symptoms or may have had a similar experience with an aging parent.
My parents split up when I was around four years-old. Dad remarried a couple of years after the event. Predictably, she turned out to be a real piece of work and this really started to show once she'd had her own kid with my dad (they have three together). My relationship with my dad wasn't great as she always occupied his time with her, their own kids and her family. Of course he has to accept responsibility for his actions but our relationship has since been quite a fragmented one. That said, when it matters I'm always there for him and despite all the BS, we can still sit down and have a beer and reminisce like old friends (and we do get on like best mates). Last year he was involved in a gas incident (face and hands burned) and I traveled from Barnet to Stoke Mandeville every day to care for him - even if it meant to help him pass the time. On the day of his release, I drove him home (to Slough) while his family were at work (they expected him to get a bus).
He's recently had a bit of a barney with his son and things got very heated. Some very spiteful things were said (to my dad) during that exchange. At one point, his son even offered him out.
Trying to keep out of their argument (as much as I felt the urge to stick one on him) I made sure that dad was OK (he was very angry/upset). In fact, he was so disgusted with his other son, he looked back over his marriage and decided to leave his family home and move into another house he owns which was previously rented out. A week later he served divorce papers.
I just want to see that he's OK. Make sure that the heating is on and that he eats regularly. He won't come and stay with me because it's too far from his 'manor' and he has things which he does there on a daily basis. I'm happy to phone every day and pop in as much as I can. His son has done a disappearing act which has done me a favour TBH as I won't have to resist the urge to knock his lights out if he's not so accessible.
But one thing has become very clear in a week of more regular contact with him. Dad's losing the plot.
He's showing signs of regression - he keeps referring back to when his life was trouble free (pre current wife marriage) and how he never had any trouble from his two kids before he remarried. He's also fantasising about starting a construction business; a property maintenance firm and also an electrician (by himself). He also wants to learn how to repair and replace windscreens so he can set himself up covering his local area (because I don't!). It's like he wants to do things that he couldn't do while he was living with/married to his wife.
To speak to him, he's coherent and still pretty much himself. But he gets fidgety; he can't sit still without reaching for something to show me, like some tools he bought from 'Skrewphicks' or bags of plaster he bought from a builders merchant (and he goes through every detail over and over again). Most conversations are drawn out and he often distracts himself and goes off topic (but does return to it eventually).
This evening, I spent a couple of hours with him and I've seen some Rizzla papers with roaches ripped off the pack. I asked and he admitted to smoking weed. He's been a casual smoker (cigs) for as long as I can remember; he once caught me puffing a bit of hash (in my teens) and joined in for a puff! But that was then - I got it out of my system and it was something I will always look back on as the day I had a splee with the old man!
But he seems lost. It's like he's been freed from captivity (his wife is insecure and very much is the controlling type - she's a nasty bit of work, much younger than him too). But with his liberty (at 73) has come a bit of a brain wobble.
He has two elder brothers both of whom (in their 80s) are suffering from some kind of senile dementia. I'm thinking, is this now his turn (and something for me to look forward to in my later years) or is he in some kind of shock - some kind of post traumatic stress disorder? Remember, the gas explosion, the realisation that since 1975 he's allowed himself to be controlled by his wife especially now that his family (with her) is in tatters...
The old man's a proud man - very Chuck Norris/Rambo (he's pulled a couple of his own teeth out with grips rather than go to the dentist) and even when he caught alight in the gas explosion, he still managed to switch the mains off and walk home to have a shower (but eventually he was air-lifted to Stoke Mandeville, his burns were that bad!).
I'll carry on looking after him as best I can (he's clearly desperate for me and my boys to be in his life). It's not a problem - it's my duty as much as it has always been my wish since I felt excluded from his life from the moment 'she' arrived.
But the losing his marbles thing... not sure how to handle it (if there is anything at all I can do?).
Apologies for the long post - been meaning to get it off my chest but didn't realise that there is so much detail in the background. I'm looking to engage with anyone who recognises these symptoms or may have had a similar experience with an aging parent.
Edited by Glassman on Sunday 3rd February 22:18
My gran moved in with my parents just over 2 years ago. She had started out being forgetful and rambling in conversation, but thankfully lived in a small granny flat attached to my uncle's house, so my cousins were in and out most days after school etc., so the family "were keeping an eye on her" and it wasn't an issue until around 2 and a half years ago when it became apparent that she wasn't coping any more with generally looking after herself, her money etc. Over then next 6 months we made all the necessary arrangements for her to move to the Netherlands to live with us. Little things like arranging Tesco shopping deliveries helped during this interim phase, as at least then we knew there was food in her cupboards, her diet was probably appalling as we manly ordered snack/ready cooked food, but at least she was eating.
For the first year that she lived over here my parents were able to go to work as normal, although Mum always left sandwiches Etc.out for lunch- in my gran one of the effects of the dementia was that she'd forget to eat. Mum would then cook a proper meal in the evening. Throughout this stage of the disease my gran was blissfully unaware that she was repeating herself, forgetting things and so on.
Unfortunately/fortunately depending on how you look at things, my gran developed a simple urine infection, and for the last 8 weeks of her life she was aware that she "couldn't control her thoughts" and "was going out of her kind". In the scheme of things, it was only 8 weeks, and was really the first time she'd been properly ill in her life, so not a bad innings overall, plus she remained at home throughout . What was less apparent to us before this was the strain that being the carer is - this may not be the right solution for you, but if you are even contemplating anything like this, please bare in mind the impact on you and your sons - I would liken it to having a small toddler again!
As we are in the Netherlands we didn't really have much involvement with the NHS, but I know that here having a "diagnosis" unlocked the door to support services - so I suspect that would be the same in the UK. Even if there's no treatment as such it may mean that you are able to claim attended allowance and/or (depending on the state of council services) have some one pop in on your Dad each day.
On a practical note I'd also try, with his permission of course, for you or some one else to get some kind of power of attorney of his affairs whilst he can agree to this - otherwise you'd have to go to court later on. From what I remember, it's not a difficult process but can take some time, so if you can avoid it, it makes life easier.
We found the Alzheimer's association website to be a good source of information about dementia in general - they have some good information out symptoms, likely prognosis etc.
Good luck, and for the sound if your post, it seems to me like you have your Dads best interests at heart
For the first year that she lived over here my parents were able to go to work as normal, although Mum always left sandwiches Etc.out for lunch- in my gran one of the effects of the dementia was that she'd forget to eat. Mum would then cook a proper meal in the evening. Throughout this stage of the disease my gran was blissfully unaware that she was repeating herself, forgetting things and so on.
Unfortunately/fortunately depending on how you look at things, my gran developed a simple urine infection, and for the last 8 weeks of her life she was aware that she "couldn't control her thoughts" and "was going out of her kind". In the scheme of things, it was only 8 weeks, and was really the first time she'd been properly ill in her life, so not a bad innings overall, plus she remained at home throughout . What was less apparent to us before this was the strain that being the carer is - this may not be the right solution for you, but if you are even contemplating anything like this, please bare in mind the impact on you and your sons - I would liken it to having a small toddler again!
As we are in the Netherlands we didn't really have much involvement with the NHS, but I know that here having a "diagnosis" unlocked the door to support services - so I suspect that would be the same in the UK. Even if there's no treatment as such it may mean that you are able to claim attended allowance and/or (depending on the state of council services) have some one pop in on your Dad each day.
On a practical note I'd also try, with his permission of course, for you or some one else to get some kind of power of attorney of his affairs whilst he can agree to this - otherwise you'd have to go to court later on. From what I remember, it's not a difficult process but can take some time, so if you can avoid it, it makes life easier.
We found the Alzheimer's association website to be a good source of information about dementia in general - they have some good information out symptoms, likely prognosis etc.
Good luck, and for the sound if your post, it seems to me like you have your Dads best interests at heart
Muntu said:
Get him checked out by a professional. It is not necessarily Alzheimers or dementia - he needs a proper assessment.
Agree with this.My auld fella had us thinking he was going down the road of senile dementia. Turned out to be early Parkinson's, which can be delayed significantly if diagnosed early.
The immediate issue I can see with this is that he'll say there's nothing wrong with him. As far as I can remember, he's always been this stoic character that won't go to the doctor even when it is clear that he needs to (even when he suffered horrific burns to his hands and face, he refused to go to the hospital and just wanted to go back to fixing the open gas pipe!).
I'll have to pin him down for a serious one-to-one, but it won't be easy.
I'll have to pin him down for a serious one-to-one, but it won't be easy.
Glassman said:
The immediate issue I can see with this is that he'll say there's nothing wrong with him. As far as I can remember, he's always been this stoic character that won't go to the doctor even when it is clear that he needs to (even when he suffered horrific burns to his hands and face, he refused to go to the hospital and just wanted to go back to fixing the open gas pipe!).
I'll have to pin him down for a serious one-to-one, but it won't be easy.
It isn't going to be easy for you either - it will be tough telling him that he has symptoms that concern you enough to insist that he gets checked out by a doctor. I'll have to pin him down for a serious one-to-one, but it won't be easy.
Remember that you have to look after yourself as well as him.
Glassman said:
Muntu said:
Remember that you have to look after yourself as well as him.
Thanks mate - I'm my father's son and I carry some of his traits 
I've waited a long time to rekindle my relationship with him and I do feel resentful that his family have finally handed him back to me, damaged.
I hope things go as well for both of you as they possibly can under the circumstances
jshell said:
Doctor, now, imho!
Don't leave it thinking that the lucid periods are a sign of evrything being all right. He needs professional assessment asap. If it is Alzheimers or Dementia, it can creep up slowly...
Experienced it, early disgnosis would heva helped greatly.
Easier said than done - my mother has dementia, it took us years to get her to the doctor. Don't leave it thinking that the lucid periods are a sign of evrything being all right. He needs professional assessment asap. If it is Alzheimers or Dementia, it can creep up slowly...
Experienced it, early disgnosis would heva helped greatly.
From your description, OP, it almost sounds like a delayed mid-life crisis!
jonah35 said:
From what youve said i cant see much evidence as to him losing the plot??
He's talking of businesses he wants to do whch is normal, he's only 73 and may not want to retire and may want to keep busy.
Making elementary mistakes in something he's had years of experience *may* be a sign of losing his marbles.He's talking of businesses he wants to do whch is normal, he's only 73 and may not want to retire and may want to keep busy.
Repeating himself in conversations is something to watch out for...
jshell said:
Starting to focus more on past events, rather than current events is quite a good indicator that something is going wrong, istr. The event I was involved in should have been so very obvious, but no-one around understood what was happening.
Well i'm no expert at all so others may be more correct. However, surely at 73 you are likely to look back on life and talk about past events, whereas at say age 10 you may talk of your dreams and hopes etc.A lot of older people ramble on and repeat themselves, I don't always think there is something necessarily wrong.
The OP mentioned that his Dad is still himself and he may just be lonely and have a lot to talk about if he doesn't see many people during the week.
Also, if he's not been close to the OP he may feel awkward if there is a silence between them and so therefore say anything to break the silence. It's a bit like how you can be comfortable in your company with your long term partner without saying anything but on a first date it's a bit awkward if you sit in silence.
I don't know, but don't always think that there HAS to be something wrong.
jonah35 said:
From what youve said i cant see much evidence as to him losing the plot??
He's talking of businesses he wants to do whch is normal, he's only 73 and may not want to retire and may want to keep busy.
Yes, there is an element of this and to a degree, he's always had a desire to do something. The problem being his wife had him shackled and was always fearful that he might meet someone else, or have contact with his 'previous life' so to speak. He's talking of businesses he wants to do whch is normal, he's only 73 and may not want to retire and may want to keep busy.
I've always maintained contact but he was very restricted in his freedom to physically spend time with me or my family. Going out for a beer/coffee/meal was next to impossible because she would always make sure there was something urgent for him to attend to. She placed a lot of demands on him and so I didn't offer him any resistance; it was easier just to let him be and call him a few times a month. Whenever we did get together (usually when she went out for the day) we would always have a nice catch up, so as fragmented as the relationship got, the father-son bond remained as good as... it just wasn't as frequent/regular as we would have liked.
I also had something very very similar in the family.
Only the OP truely knows his father and when you say you think there is something up there usually is.
In our family the person in question had a low blood count. This low blood count turned out to be caused by a serious illness and the odd comment that one might have put down as a senior moment became more frequent and eventually more odd as the disease progressed.
There was also some mental health issues. Depression and feeling old and useless and wanting to show they have still got it. The meandering conversations or going off on a tangent you mention are probably signs of this.
If you can, get the guy down to the Docs for a full checkup. I know that may not be easy and you may have to adopt some creative tatics to get you dad down there.
Best of luck.
Only the OP truely knows his father and when you say you think there is something up there usually is.
In our family the person in question had a low blood count. This low blood count turned out to be caused by a serious illness and the odd comment that one might have put down as a senior moment became more frequent and eventually more odd as the disease progressed.
There was also some mental health issues. Depression and feeling old and useless and wanting to show they have still got it. The meandering conversations or going off on a tangent you mention are probably signs of this.
If you can, get the guy down to the Docs for a full checkup. I know that may not be easy and you may have to adopt some creative tatics to get you dad down there.
Best of luck.
Edited by V8A*ndy on Monday 4th February 19:50
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