Why do mums have to die?
Discussion
Kwacker said:
I'm more upset about my boy and unborn child that will never really know her! She was amazing!
My main gripe with life is that my dad died before seeing his grandsons. Dad would have been in his element .... great, I'm now getting all emotional
Life is, in general, a complete b
h, and god is indeed a complete and utter fictional git.I lost my mum 12 months ago with pancreatic cancer and then my dad 2 weeks later from a heart attack ( which I am sure was brought on by all the stress that he went through during my mum's illness - 4 weeks from diagnosis to death and no end of NHS hassle with it).
Sad for 2 people who took care of themselves .My dad was a keen cyclist who was riding his bike when he died.
I would love to offer you some words of wisdom on how do deal with things but all that I can say is remember the good times, my sister and I laughed at all sorts of things that others may think inappropriate. Take strength from the positive things and hopefully you have someone to lean on.
Helen
Sad for 2 people who took care of themselves .My dad was a keen cyclist who was riding his bike when he died.
I would love to offer you some words of wisdom on how do deal with things but all that I can say is remember the good times, my sister and I laughed at all sorts of things that others may think inappropriate. Take strength from the positive things and hopefully you have someone to lean on.
Helen
Losing someone you love dearly is indeed a truly crap thing. In fact, i'll go so far as to say it changes your life in many ways. My wife past away two years ago now and as others have said, time changes things. Time doesn't 'heal' per se, but what it does is give you a chance to process your loss and from your title line, I can only assume that for you, it a profound loss.
I will also say this, people write a lot of things about death, grief and bereavement and most of it, to be entirely honest is semi-clinical rubbish. There are no 'stages of grief', just a myriad of experiences and emotions and thoughts and memories to be processed. At times it can feel completely overwhelming. Other times you may feel 'fine', yet inside you know you feel as far from that word as it's physically possible to be and yet other times, your really will feel fine and great.
Someone told me that when my lass died, the hardest day would come the day after I realised that yesterday I had not thought about her at all. For me, that wasn't the case. Instead, what came was a huge sense of release, that what I was holding on to so tightly, was now being resolved.
You will learn also to let go of the fear of 'forgetting'. it is the one deep underlying thread that lies behind many people's fear over grief and loss - that you will forget that person. You don't. Instead, what happens is that you learn to negotiate with yourself about how much you wish to hold on to very tightly and how much you need to gently ease to the sides of your mind. Some things will always be close, some things will remain at the fuzzy edges of memory - and those are the things that in time will suddenly stop you in your tracks and you really will smile and feel a tremendous sense of happiness at a remembered event and that rediscovered memory.
Perhaps think of it this way - it's your mum's parting gift to you; a treasure chest of memories,m thoughts and experiences. Some of the stuff is on show, some very very bright and vivid, others deeper down in that treasure chest remain dormant for a while.. but they wait to surprise you with a happy recollection that will lift you for the rest of the day.
I wish you well on this most difficult journey. It won't be easy, but the greatest complement you will ever pay your mum is by living your life as negatively unaffected by her death as you can possibly be. It may seem a strange thing to read, but the best we can do is take on board what those we love taught us, embrace at their love and then live our lives as best we can.
I will also say this, people write a lot of things about death, grief and bereavement and most of it, to be entirely honest is semi-clinical rubbish. There are no 'stages of grief', just a myriad of experiences and emotions and thoughts and memories to be processed. At times it can feel completely overwhelming. Other times you may feel 'fine', yet inside you know you feel as far from that word as it's physically possible to be and yet other times, your really will feel fine and great.
Someone told me that when my lass died, the hardest day would come the day after I realised that yesterday I had not thought about her at all. For me, that wasn't the case. Instead, what came was a huge sense of release, that what I was holding on to so tightly, was now being resolved.
You will learn also to let go of the fear of 'forgetting'. it is the one deep underlying thread that lies behind many people's fear over grief and loss - that you will forget that person. You don't. Instead, what happens is that you learn to negotiate with yourself about how much you wish to hold on to very tightly and how much you need to gently ease to the sides of your mind. Some things will always be close, some things will remain at the fuzzy edges of memory - and those are the things that in time will suddenly stop you in your tracks and you really will smile and feel a tremendous sense of happiness at a remembered event and that rediscovered memory.
Perhaps think of it this way - it's your mum's parting gift to you; a treasure chest of memories,m thoughts and experiences. Some of the stuff is on show, some very very bright and vivid, others deeper down in that treasure chest remain dormant for a while.. but they wait to surprise you with a happy recollection that will lift you for the rest of the day.
I wish you well on this most difficult journey. It won't be easy, but the greatest complement you will ever pay your mum is by living your life as negatively unaffected by her death as you can possibly be. It may seem a strange thing to read, but the best we can do is take on board what those we love taught us, embrace at their love and then live our lives as best we can.
As usual dmn, some very wise, comforting, excellent sentiments. My sincere best wishes to the OP.
This may seem a little odd to say but my 3 adult children will shortly be losing their mum to what has been described as the most horrendous of diseases (mnd); she is currently hanging on but can do little for herself now & is often heard crying becasue that is the only way she can express herself. I try to remember the good times we had together but that is such a long time ago becasue she has had a mental health diagnosis for seven years now. I can't see the screen very well now, tears are running down my cheeks onto my desk.
All the best
This may seem a little odd to say but my 3 adult children will shortly be losing their mum to what has been described as the most horrendous of diseases (mnd); she is currently hanging on but can do little for herself now & is often heard crying becasue that is the only way she can express herself. I try to remember the good times we had together but that is such a long time ago becasue she has had a mental health diagnosis for seven years now. I can't see the screen very well now, tears are running down my cheeks onto my desk.
All the best
Hoofy said:
Centurion07 said:
^That's about the most true and insightful post I have read on this site. Perhaps anywhere in fact. Well done.
I disagree - because he's probably written other stuff before that is just as insightful! 
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