Coping with someone else's depression?
Discussion
I may ramble a bit here and I did think of using an alias but tbh but it's sort of cathartic putting some of it down in black and white.
Last year my best friends mum died very suddenly. My friend was 28 so it was completely unexpected and knocked her for six. She was on maternity leave at the time with a six month old child and from what she tells me (for various reasons I wasn't physically around to help) she was given anti-depressants to allow her to function - apparently she couldn't even tie her own shoe laces.
She got married a few weeks after her mother died, returned to work a few months later, and over the next couple of months her marriage/relationship disintegrated.
We've always been close as best friends, things moved on a little so now there's a relationship of sorts - long story but whilst we text/talk and see each other at work almost every day social activities tend to be limited to one night a week because of babysitting.
Anyway the 1st anniversary of her mums death has just come and gone and she's basically turned into a wreck - I had a horrible fear it was coming but didn't anticipate the speed with which it did i.e. got a text on Monday that she wouldn't be in at work, haven't seen her since, doctor signed her off Wednesday for "until she's sorted" and has put her on what I believe is Sertraline (I don't have the spelling).
I'm in what I imagine is a fairly common situation where someone doesn't seem to want to talk and is clearly not their usual self, so what do you do when you're not physically present to keep an eye on them but you're worried that they're OK - do you sit back and let them come to you when they're ready or do you try to simply treat them as you normally would as the last thing I want to do is make her feel like some kind of freak.
I'm at my wits end worrying about her and I don't know what to do frankly. I don't have any worries of her harming herself but she is a rather fragile girl because of the events of the last 12 months.
That's the (reasonably) concise version - I could go on but I'll leave it at that for the time being.
Last year my best friends mum died very suddenly. My friend was 28 so it was completely unexpected and knocked her for six. She was on maternity leave at the time with a six month old child and from what she tells me (for various reasons I wasn't physically around to help) she was given anti-depressants to allow her to function - apparently she couldn't even tie her own shoe laces.
She got married a few weeks after her mother died, returned to work a few months later, and over the next couple of months her marriage/relationship disintegrated.
We've always been close as best friends, things moved on a little so now there's a relationship of sorts - long story but whilst we text/talk and see each other at work almost every day social activities tend to be limited to one night a week because of babysitting.
Anyway the 1st anniversary of her mums death has just come and gone and she's basically turned into a wreck - I had a horrible fear it was coming but didn't anticipate the speed with which it did i.e. got a text on Monday that she wouldn't be in at work, haven't seen her since, doctor signed her off Wednesday for "until she's sorted" and has put her on what I believe is Sertraline (I don't have the spelling).
I'm in what I imagine is a fairly common situation where someone doesn't seem to want to talk and is clearly not their usual self, so what do you do when you're not physically present to keep an eye on them but you're worried that they're OK - do you sit back and let them come to you when they're ready or do you try to simply treat them as you normally would as the last thing I want to do is make her feel like some kind of freak.
I'm at my wits end worrying about her and I don't know what to do frankly. I don't have any worries of her harming herself but she is a rather fragile girl because of the events of the last 12 months.
That's the (reasonably) concise version - I could go on but I'll leave it at that for the time being.
I assume you care enough for her to a) be with her despite her having a child and b) be posting this up.
When people have depression, especially severe depression like she has, they can be very selfish but they don’t mean to be obviously. They see the world totally differently to how they normally do or how you and I would.
The only advice I can really give is just make sure you’re there for her if you actually care. She may not ask you, she may not feel good enough for you to be there for her, so you have to act on your own here and possibly be a little forceful.
When she is feeling better again she will look back and realise how she was and know she has a good rock in you.
Wow though… losing your mother, having a baby, getting married, marriage breaking up, looking after a child without your own mother being around… poor cow.
When people have depression, especially severe depression like she has, they can be very selfish but they don’t mean to be obviously. They see the world totally differently to how they normally do or how you and I would.
The only advice I can really give is just make sure you’re there for her if you actually care. She may not ask you, she may not feel good enough for you to be there for her, so you have to act on your own here and possibly be a little forceful.
When she is feeling better again she will look back and realise how she was and know she has a good rock in you.
Wow though… losing your mother, having a baby, getting married, marriage breaking up, looking after a child without your own mother being around… poor cow.
It may be difficult, but one of the best things you can do for her is to talk to her. Don't avoid the subject of her mum dying.
We often don't know what to say to people in these situations and a good starting point is to ask if they would like to talk about what's been going on with them.
Has your friend received any counselling? Professional bereavement counselling can work wonders for people who have experienced loss -loss of her mother and her marriage.
We often don't know what to say to people in these situations and a good starting point is to ask if they would like to talk about what's been going on with them.
Has your friend received any counselling? Professional bereavement counselling can work wonders for people who have experienced loss -loss of her mother and her marriage.
muon said:
When people have depression, especially severe depression like she has, they can be very selfish but they don’t mean to be obviously. They see the world totally differently to how they normally do or how you and I would.
The only advice I can really give is just make sure you’re there for her if you actually care. She may not ask you, she may not feel good enough for you to be there for her, so you have to act on your own here and possibly be a little forceful.
Thanks, that makes a lot of sense - a lot of this is what I'm telling myself but it's useful getting other peoples opinions.The only advice I can really give is just make sure you’re there for her if you actually care. She may not ask you, she may not feel good enough for you to be there for her, so you have to act on your own here and possibly be a little forceful.
Where I'm struggling is that I'm torn between "taking the hint" and leaving her to it until she wants to talk, but then the other side of me thinks this makes me look awful - when you see someone you care about struggling your every instinct is to do what you can to help.
There's also a very practical matter of what do I say?
I feel like I'm treating her like a freak by keep asking "How are you?" or "Are you OK" but small talk seems a little difficult at the moment.
Also, and I'm thinking out loud here, but I don't want to come across as some sort of pushy/possessive type - I'd like to think I'm smart enough to separate out my feelings as a best friend and I'd still be f
king sick over it without being more involved.Firefoot said:
Has your friend received any counselling? Professional bereavement counselling can work wonders for people who have experienced loss -loss of her mother and her marriage.
Thanks for the reply.She had some counselling sessions last year and as of a couple of weeks ago her doctor was going to line some more up.
I can recommend this book ... http://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Black-Dog-Matthew-J...
Yeah it isn’t easy and without knowing her I’d assume she would deep down want you to be with her. After all, she wouldn’t be your best friend if she didn’t appreciate your physical and emotional company. I wouldn’t dance around the issue too much, I’d be quite direct but you’re right to not make her feel like an invalid. Be jokey and how you normally would be with her.
Whatever you feel is right, 9/10 probably is. To be fair you seem appreciative of her condition, so out of anyone I think you’d be pretty high up on the wanting to be around list… that’s if George Clooney is busy that is.
Whatever you feel is right, 9/10 probably is. To be fair you seem appreciative of her condition, so out of anyone I think you’d be pretty high up on the wanting to be around list… that’s if George Clooney is busy that is.
Well I made the mistake this morning of suggesting a natter and got a text along the lines of she knows I'm trying to understand but the only person she feels she can talk to right now who understands is her nan.
Everything I say via text seems to be misinterpreted so I'm loathe to try and get into it over text as frankly she doesn't need the aggro.
I did ask if I could text her later to be sure she's alright and she said that was OK so my intention is to send something simple and normal and not to directly ask "How are you?" or "What are you up to?" - the husband was a control freak so I think sometimes my good intentions may come across as an inquisition.
I feel a strange mix of kicked in the nuts combined with knowing it's not her fault that she feels this way, with a little bit of "I think I can manage to leave her to it so long as I know she's safe and well".
As with most relationships at the platonic level there's so many nuances it's impossible to put across in a few sentences on a forum so I feel slightly stupid typing but hey ho.
Everything I say via text seems to be misinterpreted so I'm loathe to try and get into it over text as frankly she doesn't need the aggro.
I did ask if I could text her later to be sure she's alright and she said that was OK so my intention is to send something simple and normal and not to directly ask "How are you?" or "What are you up to?" - the husband was a control freak so I think sometimes my good intentions may come across as an inquisition.
I feel a strange mix of kicked in the nuts combined with knowing it's not her fault that she feels this way, with a little bit of "I think I can manage to leave her to it so long as I know she's safe and well".
As with most relationships at the platonic level there's so many nuances it's impossible to put across in a few sentences on a forum so I feel slightly stupid typing but hey ho.
IMO, having had a little experience with this:
1. Have one frank conversation with her where you make it very clear that you know this is a difficult time for her and that you are always around to listen or talk.
2. Follow that up by being around whenever she needs to talk and being open to discussion, etc.
3. Leave it. Carry on normal relationship as best you can. If she wants to be a little more distant; let her.
Asking all the time if she's OK, etc will more than likely just wind her up. You need to be the person she can talk to if she wants to, but also the person she can do other things with to take her mind off it if she wants to or the person she can 'park' for a bit whilst she gets her head around the situation.
It's not uncommon that people in this situation feel that there's only one person that 'understands' or they can talk to. This person can be someone quite close (as in your case) or it can be someone seemingly quite random.
To other people close to them, this can be a little hurtful as they wonder what they're doing wrong that they can't be spoken to.
Remember; this isn't about you or what you'd do in her situation. This kind of thnig is very personal and people think and act differently. Don't push the situation; ride with it.
1. Have one frank conversation with her where you make it very clear that you know this is a difficult time for her and that you are always around to listen or talk.
2. Follow that up by being around whenever she needs to talk and being open to discussion, etc.
3. Leave it. Carry on normal relationship as best you can. If she wants to be a little more distant; let her.
Asking all the time if she's OK, etc will more than likely just wind her up. You need to be the person she can talk to if she wants to, but also the person she can do other things with to take her mind off it if she wants to or the person she can 'park' for a bit whilst she gets her head around the situation.
It's not uncommon that people in this situation feel that there's only one person that 'understands' or they can talk to. This person can be someone quite close (as in your case) or it can be someone seemingly quite random.
To other people close to them, this can be a little hurtful as they wonder what they're doing wrong that they can't be spoken to.
Remember; this isn't about you or what you'd do in her situation. This kind of thnig is very personal and people think and act differently. Don't push the situation; ride with it.
Muzzer79 said:
Remember; this isn't about you or what you'd do in her situation. This kind of thnig is very personal and people think and act differently. Don't push the situation; ride with it.
Thanks Muzzer, appreciate the advice. This is probably the hardest part tbh. I know it's right, doing it is fking hard.Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff