Might just be me
Discussion
Hello, new here. Wanted advice from a forum that isn't mainly female users.
Whilst they are very helpful the answers seem to give me a sense of I deserve better non of this is my fault. However this isn't totally what I need I need advice I can work with and blaming him entirely isn't really going to help.
My problem.
I have been in a relationship for quite a while with this man, we have children together and I am entirely happy with him.
I do have self esteem and confidence issues. Also suffer quite badly with anxiety. I will get those out of the way early on in my thread.
The man in my life has a hobby which takes him out of the house one evening a week ( he also works away from home 3 nights of the week) and sometimes during the day at a weekend. I have tried getting a hobby but the hassle of sitters and routine with the children have meant that I have had to stop. So maybe this is jealousy. It really doesn't matter what is happening in the house at the time he needs to leave, he will just go leaving me with sometimes rather unsettled children. Once they are settled I just sit sobbing.
I have been over trying the sex thing just because I worry he will go off me and not sure I could live with myself if this was to happen. Deep down I know if this is going to happen it will happen anyway.
I want to talk to him about this but am unable to find the words without sounding like I need medication.
I can't remember the last time we went out as a couple again due to children and routine.
I am struggling to know what to do, I do know this can't go on much longer though.
Whilst they are very helpful the answers seem to give me a sense of I deserve better non of this is my fault. However this isn't totally what I need I need advice I can work with and blaming him entirely isn't really going to help.
My problem.
I have been in a relationship for quite a while with this man, we have children together and I am entirely happy with him.
I do have self esteem and confidence issues. Also suffer quite badly with anxiety. I will get those out of the way early on in my thread.
The man in my life has a hobby which takes him out of the house one evening a week ( he also works away from home 3 nights of the week) and sometimes during the day at a weekend. I have tried getting a hobby but the hassle of sitters and routine with the children have meant that I have had to stop. So maybe this is jealousy. It really doesn't matter what is happening in the house at the time he needs to leave, he will just go leaving me with sometimes rather unsettled children. Once they are settled I just sit sobbing.
I have been over trying the sex thing just because I worry he will go off me and not sure I could live with myself if this was to happen. Deep down I know if this is going to happen it will happen anyway.
I want to talk to him about this but am unable to find the words without sounding like I need medication.
I can't remember the last time we went out as a couple again due to children and routine.
I am struggling to know what to do, I do know this can't go on much longer though.
I know this isn't mumsnet but you need to communicate with him. It's possible that he doesn't realise what he's doing and that he doesn't realise the impact he's having. If you keep a brave face then he will assume you're happy and coping fine. He can't mind read so you will have to tell him.
I've worked with couples as a therapist and I do sometimes hear "I didn't know that
".
I've worked with couples as a therapist and I do sometimes hear "I didn't know that
".Yeah, it's the small things that irritate (the same small endearing things that made you fall in love with him) but that is a sign that there's trouble brewing. Sadly, he won't see it.
You could write your thoughts in a letter and give it to him to read. But he'll read the letter, apologise, acknowledge the problems then forget about them. I've seen this pattern of behaviour before.
He'll change if you leave him but then it's too late. And you may well choose that option in the end.
You could write your thoughts in a letter and give it to him to read. But he'll read the letter, apologise, acknowledge the problems then forget about them. I've seen this pattern of behaviour before.
He'll change if you leave him but then it's too late. And you may well choose that option in the end.
It's easiest but not necessarily the best for the kids. Although if there's a lot of arguing it could be the best for the kids as it'd mean a happier home environment even if one parent is missing. I'd only consider it after exhausting all options, which I'm sure is your plan anyway.
WRT hobbies (which you should have anyway), you should find out when he's going to his hobby and then plan to go to yours when he has no appointments eg if he goes to the gym on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, say that you're going to wherever on Tuesday and just go at the time you say you're going. He can deal with the kids - he's their father after all!
If this were the lounge, I would say, "Stop whingeing and get back in the kitchen." Just in case any men on PH think I've gone soft.
WRT hobbies (which you should have anyway), you should find out when he's going to his hobby and then plan to go to yours when he has no appointments eg if he goes to the gym on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, say that you're going to wherever on Tuesday and just go at the time you say you're going. He can deal with the kids - he's their father after all!
If this were the lounge, I would say, "Stop whingeing and get back in the kitchen." Just in case any men on PH think I've gone soft.
With him working away during the week and then going to his hobby, I don't want to book myself into a hobby that would eat into my time with him, which is already too short in my opinion.
During the weekends it is family time meaning me, him and the children which is perfect, but of an evening I have this romantic dream it will be me and him curled up watching a film, sadly this is becoming more and more a dream. There is always something else to be done, that involves being in a different part of the house than me.
I have always found hobbies in the week when he is away, but coming home to unsettled children become more of an annoyance than the enjoyment I got from being out and doing something new and meeting new people. It was just easier to stop and return to the norm.
Off in the kitchen now.
During the weekends it is family time meaning me, him and the children which is perfect, but of an evening I have this romantic dream it will be me and him curled up watching a film, sadly this is becoming more and more a dream. There is always something else to be done, that involves being in a different part of the house than me.
I have always found hobbies in the week when he is away, but coming home to unsettled children become more of an annoyance than the enjoyment I got from being out and doing something new and meeting new people. It was just easier to stop and return to the norm.
Off in the kitchen now.
Fair enough re him having to work away from home.
Perhaps you can find "hobbies" to do involving the whole family. For instance, there's a community tennis group near me that runs classes for kids while the parents play with other parents. There are possibly other activities now that winter is coming.
Also, nothing stopping you doing stuff with the kids during the week eg swimming. One of my climbing friends takes her kids climbing.
Perhaps you can find "hobbies" to do involving the whole family. For instance, there's a community tennis group near me that runs classes for kids while the parents play with other parents. There are possibly other activities now that winter is coming.
Also, nothing stopping you doing stuff with the kids during the week eg swimming. One of my climbing friends takes her kids climbing.
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