Bipolar

[Ki3r]

Good evening PH,

A close friend of mine has possibly got bipolar, and is having an assessment with the doctor this week.

I have very little knowledge on it, and find it hard to understand what she is talking about etc.

I have tried having a look on Google, but I'm always wary about searching online for health matters as it tends to be the worst of the worst etc.

I was wondering if anyone on here, either has bipolar or understands a bit more than I do? Apart from saying 'if you ever need to talk about it you can', I have no idea what else to do, and if I'm honest feel a bit useless (when I know in reality, there is very little I can do).

Any help/advice would be great, more than happy for emails if you don't want all of PH to know!

Thanks .

PS I've had a quick look for a thread, but fail at searching!

[Flibble]

It has its ups and downs...

Seriously though there's some bipolar in my family and I'm not sure there's a lot you can do other than treating people normally (so they don't feel like they're some sort of weird pariah or the like) and not taking things to heart too much when they're down and feeling angry. If they want to talk be sympathetic but you can't force it on someone if they don't want to.

Edited by Flibble on Tuesday 15th October 00:18

[GnuBee]

I lived with someone who is bipolar for 5 years so whilst I can understand your desire to help your friend my advice would actually be that you need to be very careful.

If they're proper bipolar as opposed to fashionably miserable/happy it can be a very, very destructive, powerful force in your life that can present a very real threat of taking you down with them if you're not careful.

You make this remark "(when I know in reality, there is very little I can do)." - that's something you need to keep reminding yourself. It's a condition that needs professional help; at least talking therapy but in all reality medication.

The most you can/should do is to be supportive and understanding whilst respecting the potential risk that getting too involved could have to you.

Be prepared for some truly challenging behaviour, there are no emotionally neutral plateaus for a person with bipolar they'll either be manic, depressed or on the slope between the two. Sometimes the best thing will be to just walk away...

[DocJock]

With respect, that is your experience but not a universal one.

Having lived with someone who is bipolar for over 30 years I can relate that with correct management there is an emotional stability >99% of the time. In other words, more stable than the majority of non-bipolar people.

You do need to work at learning how the condition affects the person and what you can do to avoid their triggers and steer them back towards their coping mechanisms if they do move away from their equilibrium.

[grumbledoak]

This is another condition that has become fashionable to medicalize. Some people are comforted by a medical sounding (pig latin) name and some prescription drugs, and it makes the medical profession look useful. But you do need to remember that that might be all that is being achieved - 'patient not complaining' and 'patient genuinely better' look much the same to a busy doctor.

Bipolar is not new. The older term 'manic/depressive' is a better desription and many people have lived full lives with it. If they are mostly stable then the manic, happy periods can more than make up for any short, profoundly depressed periods(*). Being medicated into emotional oblivion is not better.

It depends how the affected person is and what they want.

---

* probably (c) Stephen Fry, these days.

[GnuBee]

From the OPs perspective it sounds as if the friend is seeking help which is a good thing. My experience which coloured my response was a result of someone who was increasingly "ill" but unwilling and/or unable to accept there was a problem.

[jdw100]

DocJock said:

With respect, that is your experience but not a universal one.

Having lived with someone who is bipolar for over 30 years I can relate that with correct management there is an emotional stability >99% of the time. In other words, more stable than the majority of non-bipolar people.

You do need to work at learning how the condition affects the person and what you can do to avoid their triggers and steer them back towards their coping mechanisms if they do move away from their equilibrium.

Well my partner despite all our best efforts has never managed more than a few months of stability in the past few years.

She does keep to her medication but I have found I can't force her to exercise, go to her bi-polar group, talk to people etc. We have several doctors and an excellent psychologist (whom we pay for)

It has got so bad that I'm about to end our 15 year relationship, quit my job and leave the country for six months.

The situation has led to me developing health issues both physical and mental. I have never really understood what it meant to have 'anxiety' until the last few years....has she gone to work, will she go to yoga, should I tell her for the tenth time that she needs to book the dentist, constantly fielding calls from friends and relatives asking why she hasn't returned their calls...etc...She drops out of contact without a thought for anyone else - have spent several evenings waiting for a knock on the door from the Police....

Even my doctor has said that he thinks I have done as much as I can and it is her just not attempting to get better.

It’s a really st disorder and I'd rather she had developed cancer, at least that would have a final outcome one way or the other.

I feel desperately sorry for anyone living with and supporting a person with bi-polar.

[Ki3r]

Thanks for the replies, the last post is really quite scary, I'm unsure what to say really.

She has been diagnosed with type two, apparently type one is the more severe, and she has the option of one of four meds to take. Two cause drowsiness (so no driving), one causes weight gain and the other could cause diabetes, so she is having a chat with someone in the next couple of days to discuss the pros and cons of them etc.

[z4me]

jdw100 said:

Well my partner despite all our best efforts has never managed more than a few months of stability in the past few years.

She does keep to her medication but I have found I can't force her to exercise, go to her bi-polar group, talk to people etc. We have several doctors and an excellent psychologist (whom we pay for)

It has got so bad that I'm about to end our 15 year relationship, quit my job and leave the country for six months.

The situation has led to me developing health issues both physical and mental. I have never really understood what it meant to have 'anxiety' until the last few years....has she gone to work, will she go to yoga, should I tell her for the tenth time that she needs to book the dentist, constantly fielding calls from friends and relatives asking why she hasn't returned their calls...etc...She drops out of contact without a thought for anyone else - have spent several evenings waiting for a knock on the door from the Police....

Even my doctor has said that he thinks I have done as much as I can and it is her just not attempting to get better.

It’s a really st disorder and I'd rather she had developed cancer, at least that would have a final outcome one way or the other.

I feel desperately sorry for anyone living with and supporting a person with bi-polar.

I'm with you jdw. I've recently ended an even longer relationship than yourself with a bipolar sufferer. It might not kill her, but the worry and anxiety was certainly killing me. The comment from grumbledoak about the manic periods making up for the depressed periods couldn't be further from the truth in my case, all the sh*t happened during the manic phases in my experience.

[jdw100]

z4me said:

I'm with you jdw. I've recently ended an even longer relationship than yourself with a bipolar sufferer. It might not kill her, but the worry and anxiety was certainly killing me. The comment from grumbledoak about the manic periods making up for the depressed periods couldn't be further from the truth in my case, all the sh*t happened during the manic phases in my experience.

Sorry to hear that. You really do have my sympathies. The anxiety is the worse thing for me as well - she knows that it is affecting my health but will still do things anyway that cause it.

In my case though the manic periods have been preferable to the depressive ones. Except for when she had a psychotic episode and we had to cancel our wedding - took her three months to recover from that. She was on a massive high and had to be sedated.

It’s the depressive downswing that I struggle with, even after all these years I still don't get it. Life for her gets so bad she doesn't want to get out of bed, everything is too much effort. Looking at it from outside people just don't understand why she would have a single aspect of her life to be down about.

When she gets in this state she will sob uncontrollably because she feels so sad and is convinced she is going to get sacked from her job. Usually a few months later she will get promoted or offered a different role within the business..there really is no reality in her fears of getting sacked.

I can't cope any more mainly because she fails to recognise the symptoms - working late, getting up at 05:30 to go to the gym, wanting to go out with friends until late 4/5 times a week - just cannot see herself that she is on a high. At the opposite end; sleeping all weekend, not exercising, eating junk, not communicating - all things our various doctors have told her not to do - and can't (or won't) recognise what is coming.

If she was able to recognise where she is then she could make plans to better control her energy and use other strategies. She is supposed to keep mood charts but doesn't, she had instructions taped to the mirror - she has taken them down, stopped going to our local bi-polar help group etc.

The cycle just keeps repeating itself and I have become her carer rather than her partner. I had a one-to-one discussion with her psychiatrist a few weeks ago, his view is that she just won't or can't make any effort to get better or control her disorder. I've become very angry, frustrated and tired.

On that basis I'm making the difficult decision to leave. I am though very worried for what will happen to her once I am gone, so will try to phase this in over the next few months. I do though intend to spend January to March abroad, just to try to recharge myself and get back to how I used to be.

Maybe if I was a better person I would stay but I'll just say I have done as much as I can, I've really tried very hard and its beaten me.

[grumbledoak]

Oh, please don't take my comment as a reason for either of you to suffer someone else's disorder. I was talking about the effects of medication from their point of view.

If you have done/taken all you can, go.

[z4me]

Recognize all those scenarios and more JDW, it really is a sh*te situation to find yourself in. I found myself wishing my partner had some sort of physical illness too, rather than this. At least you can see what's going on and have some way of marking progress or regression. Three years ago I also felt that bipolar was the new trendy affliction that every celeb worth their salt had to have. I've since found , through bitter experience, that if someone really has it , it can devastate relationships and families.

[jdw100]

z4me said:

Recognize all those scenarios and more JDW, it really is a sh*te situation to find yourself in. I found myself wishing my partner had some sort of physical illness too, rather than this. At least you can see what's going on and have some way of marking progress or regression. Three years ago I also felt that bipolar was the new trendy affliction that every celeb worth their salt had to have. I've since found , through bitter experience, that if someone really has it , it can devastate relationships and families.

Thanks Z4me, really appreciate your comments.

I think the issue is that people who do get a few ups and downs in their emotions can now say "oh, I’m just sooo bi-polar!". I doubt many of these celebs have experienced the real bi-polar.

Some of the stories I heard from people at our bi-polar group are really upsetting. One guy (on a real high/manic phase) was convinced he could fly from a multi-storey car park to another building, luckily he had a friend with him who was able to convince him it probably wasn't really possible.

Another chap suddenly 'woke up' living in Colorado having ditched his entire life in the UK without much recollection of doing so. He told me he has also given away tens of thousands of pounds to people as when he is manic he believes that he does not need money to exist.

I met an ex-Policeman there (TSG specialist), he would be found crying in the street unable to go home as so depressed. Lost his job and is still unable to find work.

The list goes on.....all incredibly sad stories.

I must say I now have very little tolerance now for people who mock those with mental illness. You see stories on the news about someone waving a knife near Buckingham Palace (for example) and they are roundly mocked as a 'nutter' or 'crazed'. Having seen my well educated, professional, caring fiancée genuinely believe that a film we were watching at the IMAX was about her brother or being convinced that people at work were trying to get her sacked - it doesn't take much to tip people into some very odd behaviour.

I wish people would think about that before taking the piss out of someone behaving a bit oddly or moaning that their train has been delayed by some ‘selfish nutter’ jumping on the tracks.

If you don't mind me asking - how did your partner cope after you left?

[z4me]

She seems ok jdw, but to be honest I'm keeping my distance. For the sake of my own sanity I'm not getting involved anymore.

[jdw100]

z4me said:

She seems ok jdw, but to be honest I'm keeping my distance. For the sake of my own sanity I'm not getting involved anymore.

Well I glad she seems ok. I'm dreading having to have the conversation - probably the hardest thing I'll have evere done in my life.

Still as you say - you have to look after your own sanity.

[jdw100]

Bloody hell NeMiSiS - that's a very interesting post!

I think the main thing I have taken from it is you accept that this is who you are. I don't think that my partner will ever really take on board that this is a life-long illness and she has to develop strategies to cope with it.

I also see your point re the depression. I still really don't get it. How can life be so awful that you cannot get out of bed or can sob for hours because you are so miserable but you cannot put a single item in the a list of 'negative' things in your life but can fill in loads in the 'positive' column? All she can say is that she is "just so unhappy".

I also struggle with the fact that she seems to remember little from these episodes - so whilst I have lived through weeks of her coming home from work and sobbing she just just remebembers that she 'felt a bit down' a few weeks ago.

Most telling of all is your comment that you would not want to live with you.

[Ki3r]

Thank you again for writing these posts, I never knew it was quite so bad!

I'm going to be honest and say I haven't got a clue what to say, but didn't not want to reply, it is very much appreciated!

[Flibble]

jdw100 said:

I also see your point re the depression. I still really don't get it. How can life be so awful that you cannot get out of bed or can sob for hours because you are so miserable but you cannot put a single item in the a list of 'negative' things in your life but can fill in loads in the 'positive' column? All she can say is that she is "just so unhappy".

It's hard to describe, it just feels like that (note: I'm not bipolar, just get depressed sometimes). Even if you rationally know everything is good and you have nothing to worry about really that doesn't change how you feel. It's a horrible feeling too, like nothing is worth bothering with, so you just stay in bed as it's safe and warm at least.

[jdw100]

Flibble said:

It's hard to describe, it just feels like that (note: I'm not bipolar, just get depressed sometimes). Even if you rationally know everything is good and you have nothing to worry about really that doesn't change how you feel. It's a horrible feeling too, like nothing is worth bothering with, so you just stay in bed as it's safe and warm at least.

I think that really describes my partner's state when depressed.

I've read books, websites, forums, clinical papers but, as someone that until recently is very consistent/level in emotions and very rational, I still struggle to understand it.

Its all just really st.

[jdw100]

NeMiSiS said:

Or that..

Edited by NeMiSiS on Friday 18th October 09:34

Did you have to delete your posts?!?