Moving the parents in? Advice Please?
Discussion
Hey all, I am after a little advice/guidance on my current situation with my folks. Not great at putting things into words but I will try my best.
Dad 74, heart attack at 55 so retired but the most hard working man you will meet. Restores old cars does odd jobs with his digger and can always be found in his garage working. He is also a diabetic
Mum 75, cancer survivor from a young age I can always remember her being ill, always in and out of hospital, used to be a full figured woman but these past 2 years has seen her weight plummet to about 6 stone. Can only really walk a few steps and has bad shakes.
Me 41 single parent, little girl turns 2 in feb. Full time childminder, built my 4 bed house next to parents so I am used to seeing them everyday.
For months now my mum has become a danger in the house. Regularly burning food, setting the micro/cooker on fire. She for obvious reasons does not get to look after my wee one on her own as she cant lift her or stop her from doing anything. Tonight I left Elise with them (Dad and Mum)while I nipped out for 10 mins, came back to find her playing in my folks kitchen. The frying pan had been left on hot oil bubbling away and the handle hanging over the side. To say I went slightly mad would be an understatement.
This evening I sat my Dad down and told him something needs to be done as we cant carry on like this. I have told him we need to put things in motion to get them both moved into my house so I can look after them, not an easy task as my dad does not really want to face up to what happens next but I think it should get sorted now before something bad happens.
Has anyone go any advice (apart from DON'T DO IT
)
My idea is to rent the rooms out in their house so there is an income coming in as I intend to stop working so I can care for them (mum mainly) full time. I grew up seeing mum look after both my grandparents and I know how hard it was for her. At the moment both myself and my dad are loosing our tempers with the danger she is putting herself in with is something I am not proud of.
Thanks for reading, head fit to burst thinking about it.
Dad 74, heart attack at 55 so retired but the most hard working man you will meet. Restores old cars does odd jobs with his digger and can always be found in his garage working. He is also a diabetic
Mum 75, cancer survivor from a young age I can always remember her being ill, always in and out of hospital, used to be a full figured woman but these past 2 years has seen her weight plummet to about 6 stone. Can only really walk a few steps and has bad shakes.
Me 41 single parent, little girl turns 2 in feb. Full time childminder, built my 4 bed house next to parents so I am used to seeing them everyday.
For months now my mum has become a danger in the house. Regularly burning food, setting the micro/cooker on fire. She for obvious reasons does not get to look after my wee one on her own as she cant lift her or stop her from doing anything. Tonight I left Elise with them (Dad and Mum)while I nipped out for 10 mins, came back to find her playing in my folks kitchen. The frying pan had been left on hot oil bubbling away and the handle hanging over the side. To say I went slightly mad would be an understatement.
This evening I sat my Dad down and told him something needs to be done as we cant carry on like this. I have told him we need to put things in motion to get them both moved into my house so I can look after them, not an easy task as my dad does not really want to face up to what happens next but I think it should get sorted now before something bad happens.
Has anyone go any advice (apart from DON'T DO IT
)My idea is to rent the rooms out in their house so there is an income coming in as I intend to stop working so I can care for them (mum mainly) full time. I grew up seeing mum look after both my grandparents and I know how hard it was for her. At the moment both myself and my dad are loosing our tempers with the danger she is putting herself in with is something I am not proud of.
Thanks for reading, head fit to burst thinking about it.
You are a very responsible and caring person, evidently.
It was not clear, but implied that your mother may have early onset Alzheimers?...I would be inclined to have this checked out and either remove as an issue or confirmed. It can be very difficult to look after Alzheimers sufferers in the home, so for planning purposes it would be very helpful to know this. In the unfortunate event of this being confirmed, then you need to think through whether you can take on the load as well as caring for a kiddie.
You may have to consider institutional care. It is very natural for tempers to become frayed,as you have mentioned, and you already have the demands of a child and father to meet.
Secondly, its worth while stepping back and putting down some kind of rough budget together and seeing if the income from the house, plus whatever you make in benefits or pensions, plus anything your parents get will be sufficient to fund all of your costs to make ends meet.
I wish you the very best and understand that this is very difficult for you.
It was not clear, but implied that your mother may have early onset Alzheimers?...I would be inclined to have this checked out and either remove as an issue or confirmed. It can be very difficult to look after Alzheimers sufferers in the home, so for planning purposes it would be very helpful to know this. In the unfortunate event of this being confirmed, then you need to think through whether you can take on the load as well as caring for a kiddie.
You may have to consider institutional care. It is very natural for tempers to become frayed,as you have mentioned, and you already have the demands of a child and father to meet.
Secondly, its worth while stepping back and putting down some kind of rough budget together and seeing if the income from the house, plus whatever you make in benefits or pensions, plus anything your parents get will be sufficient to fund all of your costs to make ends meet.
I wish you the very best and understand that this is very difficult for you.
Edited by RDMcG on Thursday 24th October 22:21
Although it may sound very harsh, having seen my mother take on too much an then be trapped in a situation, think very carefully about your life and your daughter's should things get worse.
As stated above institutional care should at least be considered before any major configuration of your life - such changes can be hard to undo.
You may also end up resenting your parents as opposed to enjoying time with them. It took my mother many years to get over the guilt (entirely undeserved - she sacrificed her life for many years) of "not doing enough" for her mother. I wish she had stepped back earlier and allowed someone else to help her.
As stated above institutional care should at least be considered before any major configuration of your life - such changes can be hard to undo.
You may also end up resenting your parents as opposed to enjoying time with them. It took my mother many years to get over the guilt (entirely undeserved - she sacrificed her life for many years) of "not doing enough" for her mother. I wish she had stepped back earlier and allowed someone else to help her.
Edited by 0a on Thursday 24th October 22:23
Instead of moving them in could you not minimise the risks by either providing meals for then or getting meals on wheels and disconnecting the oven etc.
Social service assessment for care package if needed. It is very hard taking on the care of your parents full time especially on your own whilst looking after a toddler.
Social service assessment for care package if needed. It is very hard taking on the care of your parents full time especially on your own whilst looking after a toddler.
K77 CTR said:
Instead of moving them in could you not minimise the risks by either providing meals for then or getting meals on wheels and disconnecting the oven etc.
Social service assessment for care package if needed. It is very hard taking on the care of your parents full time especially on your own whilst looking after a toddler.
I did look into this, our area does not cater for meals on wheels. My folks are set in routine that they eat at 4. At that time I have sometimes 5/6 kids causing mayhem in my house so me cooking is out of the question. I do try my best at batch cooking stuff but even then what I make my mum wont eat. At the moment she lives of spoons of condensed milk on bread. Social service assessment for care package if needed. It is very hard taking on the care of your parents full time especially on your own whilst looking after a toddler.
I even spoke about those foods you see on the TV that caters for the older folks, that fell on deaf ears.Speaking to Social Services is something I will look into.
I'm pretty certain all areas provide meals on wheels again social services will be able to give you this info. Otherwise Wiltshire Farm Foods seems very good but they would have to microwave them I think.
Have you spoken to the gp about your mum's behaviour? If you removed all the food in the house and a carer or you came in and heated the meals there's a chance she'd eventually be hungry and tempted.
Have you spoken to the gp about your mum's behaviour? If you removed all the food in the house and a carer or you came in and heated the meals there's a chance she'd eventually be hungry and tempted.
RDMcG said:
You are a very responsible and caring person, evidently.
It was not clear, but implied that your mother may have early onset Alzheimers?...I would be inclined to have this checked out and either remove as an issue or confirmed. It can be very difficult to look after Alzheimers sufferers in the home, so for planning purposes it would be very helpful to know this. In the unfortunate event of this being confirmed, then you need to think through whether you can take on the load as well as caring for a kiddie.
You may have to consider institutional care. It is very natural for tempers to become frayed,as you have mentioned, and you already have the demands of a child and father to meet.
Secondly, its worth while stepping back and putting down some kind of rough budget together and seeing if the income from the house, plus whatever you make in benefits or pensions, plus anything your parents get will be sufficient to fund all of your costs to make ends meet.
I wish you the very best and understand that this is very difficult for you.
TBH Alzheimers never even entered my head. I am wanting her to see about her hearing so perhaps looking into other tests might be for the best. It was not clear, but implied that your mother may have early onset Alzheimers?...I would be inclined to have this checked out and either remove as an issue or confirmed. It can be very difficult to look after Alzheimers sufferers in the home, so for planning purposes it would be very helpful to know this. In the unfortunate event of this being confirmed, then you need to think through whether you can take on the load as well as caring for a kiddie.
You may have to consider institutional care. It is very natural for tempers to become frayed,as you have mentioned, and you already have the demands of a child and father to meet.
Secondly, its worth while stepping back and putting down some kind of rough budget together and seeing if the income from the house, plus whatever you make in benefits or pensions, plus anything your parents get will be sufficient to fund all of your costs to make ends meet.
I wish you the very best and understand that this is very difficult for you.
Edited by RDMcG on Thursday 24th October 22:21
Money wise should be ok. Don't imagine I will get anything but with my dad's pension and a rental income from the house it will be ok. I only have a small mortgage on my house and thankfully I sold a house I built in 2000 hence not worrying too much about pennies at the moment.
Certainly not proud of my temper right now. Poor mum bears the brunt from both of us. I get stressed as she gets telemarketers and the likes, hands over card details and then I am the one sorting it all out.
However in no way is she a little old lady who wont say boo to a goose
she has a bloody sharp tongue and does not really care who she offends when talking. Her biggest gripe is not being able to drive, before severe weight loss and bad mobility she drove but I removed that right 2 years ago when she overdosed on her drugs and tried to drive the car, thankfully it was in gear and she nearly put it through dads caravan, but her plan was to go shopping however she has no memory of even getting into the car. 0a said:
Although it may sound very harsh, having seen my mother take on too much an then be trapped in a situation, think very carefully about your life and your daughter's should things get worse.
As stated above institutional care should at least be considered before any major configuration of your life - such changes can be hard to undo.
You may also end up resenting your parents as opposed to enjoying time with them. It took my mother many years to get over the guilt (entirely undeserved - she sacrificed her life for many years) of "not doing enough" for her mother. I wish she had stepped back earlier and allowed someone else to help her.
Thanks for this, I see where you are coming from. TBH this is scaring the crap out of me, I also saw my mum caring for my grandparents. I think if things got really bad then the next step would be carehomes. I want to try this option first, my Aunt told me I might get some sort of respite (a few days a week) so that is a consideration also.As stated above institutional care should at least be considered before any major configuration of your life - such changes can be hard to undo.
You may also end up resenting your parents as opposed to enjoying time with them. It took my mother many years to get over the guilt (entirely undeserved - she sacrificed her life for many years) of "not doing enough" for her mother. I wish she had stepped back earlier and allowed someone else to help her.
Edited by 0a on Thursday 24th October 22:23
Definitely contact your local council who will carry out an assessment to see what care package can be put in place for your parents. If sounds as though they may both qualify for attendance allowance of up to £77 per week. My Dad's local council (in England) contracted out care to Age UK who were brilliant, providing a hot meal at lunchtime, someone to help Dad get up, washed and dressed in the morning and get to bed in the evening.
There's plenty of help out there; you may find that it will be possible for them to live safely in their own house rather than moving in with you.
There's plenty of help out there; you may find that it will be possible for them to live safely in their own house rather than moving in with you.
SSC! said:
K77 CTR said:
Instead of moving them in could you not minimise the risks by either providing meals for then or getting meals on wheels and disconnecting the oven etc.
Social service assessment for care package if needed. It is very hard taking on the care of your parents full time especially on your own whilst looking after a toddler.
I did look into this, our area does not cater for meals on wheels. My folks are set in routine that they eat at 4. At that time I have sometimes 5/6 kids causing mayhem in my house so me cooking is out of the question. I do try my best at batch cooking stuff but even then what I make my mum wont eat. At the moment she lives of spoons of condensed milk on bread. Social service assessment for care package if needed. It is very hard taking on the care of your parents full time especially on your own whilst looking after a toddler.
I even spoke about those foods you see on the TV that caters for the older folks, that fell on deaf ears.Speaking to Social Services is something I will look into.
If only there were more people in the world like you.
One thing you do need to think about is your 2 year old daughter. Being a single parent is friggin hard work (my sister is one) and you alos need to think about how you can bring her up whilst looking after your Mum and Dad. As she gets older you will be out of the house a lot with her....can you realistically bring her up and look after your parents? That is an absolutely massive under taking for one person.
One thing you do need to think about is your 2 year old daughter. Being a single parent is friggin hard work (my sister is one) and you alos need to think about how you can bring her up whilst looking after your Mum and Dad. As she gets older you will be out of the house a lot with her....can you realistically bring her up and look after your parents? That is an absolutely massive under taking for one person.
Thank you all.
Today I took up the subject with mum about moving and was met with a fierce no and told I need to put her into a home. When I came up with the suggestion I stop working too look after her I was told I was being lazy and always looking for an excuse not to work. (I probably should put I have worked all my life and also spent 10 years offshore so I am no slacker lol) However 5 mins later she denies saying this to me, I was also told it was my fault regarding the hot oil frying pan as I do not take care of my daughter. I think she has forgotten I was away doing errands and that they were looking after her.
Starting the phone calls today.
Today I took up the subject with mum about moving and was met with a fierce no and told I need to put her into a home. When I came up with the suggestion I stop working too look after her I was told I was being lazy and always looking for an excuse not to work. (I probably should put I have worked all my life and also spent 10 years offshore so I am no slacker lol) However 5 mins later she denies saying this to me, I was also told it was my fault regarding the hot oil frying pan as I do not take care of my daughter. I think she has forgotten I was away doing errands and that they were looking after her.
Starting the phone calls today.
SSC! said:
And as if to prove a point, I have just gone next door to find her outside in her slippers cutting weeds in planters on the ground. No walking stick and its pouring rain.
Doctor calling me on Tuesday as she is off now.
Looking more & more like dementia Doctor calling me on Tuesday as she is off now.
It's easy for me to say, but try to ignore what mum says, she probably doesn't know what she's saying.
so they were very very lucky.
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