Ex Partner and 5 year old!
Discussion
Hi Guys
I have come to Pistonheads for advice many a time but it has almost always been car related. This time is different and much more important.
This is a very long post but I know there are quite a few parents on here and some may have gone through similar.
I met my partner 7 years ago and we were very happy for the first couple of years. At the time when we would probably have said enough is enough and split up she fell pregnant...
We had a beautiful daughter who is now 5 years old.
For the first 5 years of knowing my partner I did not have the strongest feelings for her and was caught out a couple of times either with other women or when planning to meet other women (the actions I very much regret now...)
My partner found an e-mail that I had sent a woman circa 18 months ago and the relationship was very nearly over....
I did not want it to be over and tried to make things better. Since this time my feelings for her have grown and grown and now love her deeply.
Unfortunately the feeling is not mutual....
I think it is down to the way I treated her over the years and I accept full responsibility for this.
The plan was that I would purchase a flat and move out in January.
The flat purchase was going through....
Last Tuesday I caught her with a guy that I suspected she was seeing, when I say caught I mean red handed!
This hit me very, very hard...
I decided I needed to get away so have come to stay with my parents in Warwickshire (I am from the London area).
On Friday of last week I text her and said that I would be back at the family home at 6pm that night. I knew she was due to drop our Daughter off at her parents as she was going out (with the guy....).
She kept saying that our relationship was over and had been for some time.
I do not like this guy. I met him through her family many years ago and never liked him from the start. He has been married 2 or 3 times before and has a son from the last.
The text made it clear that she was to decide who she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. If she did not turn up at 6pm I would load the car with all my things and be away for good in the morning. I would be leaving behind a 5 year old Daughter who I love dearly and am extremely close to.
I could not bear for him to have any part in my Daughters life now, or ever and it would kill me to think that this could happen.
It goes without saying that she did not show up. I left a long letter and headed for my parents.
On Saturday morning I had to go to A&E with chest pains due to the stress this has caused me....
She tried calling me many times Saturday night and sent me a long e-mail saying that my Daughter can not cope without her Daddy etc etc.
Over the past few days I have e-mailed her a couple of times but even though I am telling her along with her family that she is making a big mistake she is not prepared to leave this other guy.
What do I do???
It is not my Daughters fault.
But... If I were to go back, live elsewhere and see my Daughter x amount per week, I would be telling her that the man that mummy is with is not nice and had a part in us splitting up! (or is that just spiteful!?)
I could not bare to think that they may for example all go on holiday together as I do not want this man anywhere near my daughter!
I do not know what to do.....
I know I should not feel like this but I feel that if I go back she has won. She will have her Daughters father on the scene and her new man.
The whole situation is horrible and it is destroying me.
She has told our Daughter that I have gone away with work for a week or two and his phone has broken.....
Do I go back or do I stay away!??
My Daughter needs me, a lot, I know this but for me to think of my ex with another man is shockingly painful.
Sorry for the long post
I have come to Pistonheads for advice many a time but it has almost always been car related. This time is different and much more important.
This is a very long post but I know there are quite a few parents on here and some may have gone through similar.
I met my partner 7 years ago and we were very happy for the first couple of years. At the time when we would probably have said enough is enough and split up she fell pregnant...
We had a beautiful daughter who is now 5 years old.
For the first 5 years of knowing my partner I did not have the strongest feelings for her and was caught out a couple of times either with other women or when planning to meet other women (the actions I very much regret now...)
My partner found an e-mail that I had sent a woman circa 18 months ago and the relationship was very nearly over....
I did not want it to be over and tried to make things better. Since this time my feelings for her have grown and grown and now love her deeply.
Unfortunately the feeling is not mutual....
I think it is down to the way I treated her over the years and I accept full responsibility for this.
The plan was that I would purchase a flat and move out in January.
The flat purchase was going through....
Last Tuesday I caught her with a guy that I suspected she was seeing, when I say caught I mean red handed!
This hit me very, very hard...
I decided I needed to get away so have come to stay with my parents in Warwickshire (I am from the London area).
On Friday of last week I text her and said that I would be back at the family home at 6pm that night. I knew she was due to drop our Daughter off at her parents as she was going out (with the guy....).
She kept saying that our relationship was over and had been for some time.
I do not like this guy. I met him through her family many years ago and never liked him from the start. He has been married 2 or 3 times before and has a son from the last.
The text made it clear that she was to decide who she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. If she did not turn up at 6pm I would load the car with all my things and be away for good in the morning. I would be leaving behind a 5 year old Daughter who I love dearly and am extremely close to.
I could not bear for him to have any part in my Daughters life now, or ever and it would kill me to think that this could happen.
It goes without saying that she did not show up. I left a long letter and headed for my parents.
On Saturday morning I had to go to A&E with chest pains due to the stress this has caused me....
She tried calling me many times Saturday night and sent me a long e-mail saying that my Daughter can not cope without her Daddy etc etc.
Over the past few days I have e-mailed her a couple of times but even though I am telling her along with her family that she is making a big mistake she is not prepared to leave this other guy.
What do I do???
It is not my Daughters fault.
But... If I were to go back, live elsewhere and see my Daughter x amount per week, I would be telling her that the man that mummy is with is not nice and had a part in us splitting up! (or is that just spiteful!?)
I could not bare to think that they may for example all go on holiday together as I do not want this man anywhere near my daughter!
I do not know what to do.....
I know I should not feel like this but I feel that if I go back she has won. She will have her Daughters father on the scene and her new man.
The whole situation is horrible and it is destroying me.
She has told our Daughter that I have gone away with work for a week or two and his phone has broken.....
Do I go back or do I stay away!??
My Daughter needs me, a lot, I know this but for me to think of my ex with another man is shockingly painful.
Sorry for the long post
Two things;
You can't make a big fuss over her seeing someone else when you were caught cheating several times. You're telling her she is losing out but it doesn't seem that way.
Regardless of what happened in the past and is happening now, why should your daughter lose out on her dad? Surely you'd want to see her as much as possible whatever the circumstance?
You can't make a big fuss over her seeing someone else when you were caught cheating several times. You're telling her she is losing out but it doesn't seem that way.
Regardless of what happened in the past and is happening now, why should your daughter lose out on her dad? Surely you'd want to see her as much as possible whatever the circumstance?
SAS Tom said:
Two things;
You can't make a big fuss over her seeing someone else when you were caught cheating several times. You're telling her she is losing out but it doesn't seem that way.
Regardless of what happened in the past and is happening now, why should your daughter lose out on her dad? Surely you'd want to see her as much as possible whatever the circumstance?
Firstly, thank you for taking the time to not only read my post but reply.You can't make a big fuss over her seeing someone else when you were caught cheating several times. You're telling her she is losing out but it doesn't seem that way.
Regardless of what happened in the past and is happening now, why should your daughter lose out on her dad? Surely you'd want to see her as much as possible whatever the circumstance?
I love my ex so, so much that it simply pains me to think of her with someone else. When this someone else is the guy it is it is much worse again.
You are totally right that it is my actions in the past that have probably brought most, if not all of this on and I accept this fully.
I agree what you are saying about my Daughter....
TROOPER88 said:
What do I do???
Go ahead with your original plans and purchase a flat to move into. And then be the best dad you can be.Easy to say from the outside I know, but as long as this man is not playing a negative role in your daughter's life, then it's none of your business who the ex is seeing.
If he is as bad as you say then the relationship will probably be over soon anyway. And at that point if you still have feeling for the ex then maybe try again. If not, then just get on with your life.
For your daughters sake (and your health) try and keep things as amicable as possible for all parties concerned.
Can't reply to the entire thing but there were a few things that jumped out from your post that I feel need to be addressed.
- You see your daughter fairly regularly, say once a week plus every other weekend, you get to see her over Christmas and take her on holiday for a week in the summer. You constantly tell her that you hate Other Man, he's a horrible person, he's the reason why you and Mummy don't live together, etc etc.
- Daughter starts not liking going to your house. She loves Daddy, but Daddy is always grumpy and says mean things about Other Man, whom she doesn't really mind but won't ever replace you. After going home from yours she has bad dreams, struggles to sleep, cries a lot and possibly starts wetting the bed or begins acting out when Other Man is talking to her.
- Mummy notices that these things happen only after she has been to see you so talks to her about it. Daughter tells her you're mean and grumpy and it makes her upset, so Mummy tell her she doesn't have to visit yours if she doesn't want to.
- You and Mummy argue loudly in front of Daughter. Daughter gets very upset and says she will go and visit you. She wants the pair of you to stop arguing. But even then you're still complaining about Other Man and now you're really being mean about Mummy too. And Mummy keeps complaining about you and says you're horrible and useless.
- Daugher continues to struggle to get to sleep, still wets the bed, starts misbehaving in school because she's tired and deeply unhappy but doesn't say anything because she wants to protect Daddy and Mummy.
- Mummy decides enough is enough and cuts contact completely. This time she refuses to budge, won't even let you see your daughter in her own home, won't let you take her out to the park, nothing, nada, zilch.
- You get very cross because Mummy is being unreasonable. You love your daughter deeply and want to see her.
- You and Mummy spend tens of thousands of pounds going through the courts to arrange access in a legal way. You are eventually granted some access, but probably not as much as you were getting.
- Daughter finally sees you again after probably several years of court battles and appeals. Your relationship is damaged irrevocably, you massively resent Mummy and Daughter knows it. Daughter feels that it is all her fault.
- At sixteen/seventeen/eighteen Daughter is still having problems in school, she's never found it easy to concentrate because that kind of skill was taken away from her at a young age. As she gets older she struggles to develop meaningful relationships with men, suffers various bouts of poor mental health and depression, and finds it difficult to get anywhere in life. You rarely see her because she's decided you're not worth it, she doesn't want to see her mother either because she's reminded of what she went through as a child, your Ex thinks you're a massive
, you think your Ex is a massive bh.
If you really love your daughter you will NOT fk with her mental health from a young age. You will smile at her, you will swallow every bit of hate you have for the Other Man, you will bite your tongue and not say a word against him. Chances are it won't last with him, but there will be Others, just like you'll have other women in your life that your Ex may not approve of. You will just have to accept it.
Also;
Really I think both of you are better off apart. What you need to do is come out of this with the ability to see your daughter on a regular basis. Your daughter is your priority, the pair of you need to act like adults, and if you ever think about how great it will be to use your daughter to break up your Ex and Other Man remember that the only loser in that situation is your little girl.
TROOPER88 said:
I would be telling her that the man that mummy is with is not nice and had a part in us splitting up! (or is that just spiteful!?)
Okay, say you go down this route, let me give you a glimpse into the future;- You see your daughter fairly regularly, say once a week plus every other weekend, you get to see her over Christmas and take her on holiday for a week in the summer. You constantly tell her that you hate Other Man, he's a horrible person, he's the reason why you and Mummy don't live together, etc etc.
- Daughter starts not liking going to your house. She loves Daddy, but Daddy is always grumpy and says mean things about Other Man, whom she doesn't really mind but won't ever replace you. After going home from yours she has bad dreams, struggles to sleep, cries a lot and possibly starts wetting the bed or begins acting out when Other Man is talking to her.
- Mummy notices that these things happen only after she has been to see you so talks to her about it. Daughter tells her you're mean and grumpy and it makes her upset, so Mummy tell her she doesn't have to visit yours if she doesn't want to.
- You and Mummy argue loudly in front of Daughter. Daughter gets very upset and says she will go and visit you. She wants the pair of you to stop arguing. But even then you're still complaining about Other Man and now you're really being mean about Mummy too. And Mummy keeps complaining about you and says you're horrible and useless.
- Daugher continues to struggle to get to sleep, still wets the bed, starts misbehaving in school because she's tired and deeply unhappy but doesn't say anything because she wants to protect Daddy and Mummy.
- Mummy decides enough is enough and cuts contact completely. This time she refuses to budge, won't even let you see your daughter in her own home, won't let you take her out to the park, nothing, nada, zilch.
- You get very cross because Mummy is being unreasonable. You love your daughter deeply and want to see her.
- You and Mummy spend tens of thousands of pounds going through the courts to arrange access in a legal way. You are eventually granted some access, but probably not as much as you were getting.
- Daughter finally sees you again after probably several years of court battles and appeals. Your relationship is damaged irrevocably, you massively resent Mummy and Daughter knows it. Daughter feels that it is all her fault.
- At sixteen/seventeen/eighteen Daughter is still having problems in school, she's never found it easy to concentrate because that kind of skill was taken away from her at a young age. As she gets older she struggles to develop meaningful relationships with men, suffers various bouts of poor mental health and depression, and finds it difficult to get anywhere in life. You rarely see her because she's decided you're not worth it, she doesn't want to see her mother either because she's reminded of what she went through as a child, your Ex thinks you're a massive
, you think your Ex is a massive bh.If you really love your daughter you will NOT f
k with her mental health from a young age. You will smile at her, you will swallow every bit of hate you have for the Other Man, you will bite your tongue and not say a word against him. Chances are it won't last with him, but there will be Others, just like you'll have other women in your life that your Ex may not approve of. You will just have to accept it.Also;
TROOPER88 said:
Over the past few days I have e-mailed her a couple of times but even though I am telling her along with her family that she is making a big mistake she is not prepared to leave this other guy.
Honestly, I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds like her "big mistake" was not leaving you after the first time you cheated on her. You know that pain you're feeling now? Imagine that and then imagine how it feels to be stabbed by it however many times you cheated on her. I'm not saying that what she has done is right, far from it. BUT I would be surprised if she has been happy at all over the past few months, or even the past few years. Why should she stay with you? What's to stop you cheating again in the future? You really love her, really? I bet she heard that before as well.Really I think both of you are better off apart. What you need to do is come out of this with the ability to see your daughter on a regular basis. Your daughter is your priority, the pair of you need to act like adults, and if you ever think about how great it will be to use your daughter to break up your Ex and Other Man remember that the only loser in that situation is your little girl.
I'm ill in bed so will be brief and no offence intended.
Your relationship is over, the sooner you accept this, the sooner you can get on with your life and eventually find someone else you should really be with.
Your feelings come second to your daughters. Be a man and be a father and be there for her as that is all that matters. This is an opportunity for you to grow close to each other......... It is also an opportunity to fk her life up royally.
Hope you sort everything out mate.
Your relationship is over, the sooner you accept this, the sooner you can get on with your life and eventually find someone else you should really be with.
Your feelings come second to your daughters. Be a man and be a father and be there for her as that is all that matters. This is an opportunity for you to grow close to each other......... It is also an opportunity to f
k her life up royally.Hope you sort everything out mate.
The relationship with your partner is over, try your very best to maintain one with your daughter and try not to put your views regarding the other parties into your daughters mind, given time and support she will grow up to understand that even though you aren't there everyday you love her very much.
Can't do a long reply as I'm on my phone, but OP please read this
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_alienation...
Its usually the mother who does this (as my ex did/still does) but what you are suggesting is PAS.
Please don't, you will ruin your daughter wellbeing and ultimately her relationship with you.
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_alienation...
Its usually the mother who does this (as my ex did/still does) but what you are suggesting is PAS.
Please don't, you will ruin your daughter wellbeing and ultimately her relationship with you.
Amazing reply from all, especially Mentalsarcasm, thank you all!!
I have taken on board all that has been said and will travel down to see my beautiful Daughter tomorrow or Thursday.
Thank you!!
It means so much that so many of you can take time out of your busy schedules to help a Pistonheader in need.
If I can ever repay the favour I would be honoured to do so!
I have taken on board all that has been said and will travel down to see my beautiful Daughter tomorrow or Thursday.
Thank you!!
It means so much that so many of you can take time out of your busy schedules to help a Pistonheader in need.
If I can ever repay the favour I would be honoured to do so!
TROOPER88 said:
Amazing reply from all, especially Mentalsarcasm, thank you all!!
I have taken on board all that has been said and will travel down to see my beautiful Daughter tomorrow or Thursday.
Thank you!!
It means so much that so many of you can take time out of your busy schedules to help a Pistonheader in need.
If I can ever repay the favour I would be honoured to do so!
good luck,I have taken on board all that has been said and will travel down to see my beautiful Daughter tomorrow or Thursday.
Thank you!!
It means so much that so many of you can take time out of your busy schedules to help a Pistonheader in need.
If I can ever repay the favour I would be honoured to do so!
and if I can offer just one piece of advice that was handed down to me. Never insult or put down someone's partner or ex-partner. You are essentially putting their choice of people down and so putting them down. All it will do is create an automatic defense reaction of this person (verbally or mentally) even if they had been previously telling you how them didn't like this partner/ex-partner.
Far better is to actually be nice about this person, or just say nothing. Let others make decisions of whom they like up, forcing the matter will have the opposite reaction you expect!
TROOPER88 said:
Amazing reply from all, especially Mentalsarcasm, thank you all!!
I have taken on board all that has been said and will travel down to see my beautiful Daughter tomorrow or Thursday.
Thank you!!
It means so much that so many of you can take time out of your busy schedules to help a Pistonheader in need.
If I can ever repay the favour I would be honoured to do so!
You can....my advice will cost you your Porsche! Thanks!!I have taken on board all that has been said and will travel down to see my beautiful Daughter tomorrow or Thursday.
Thank you!!
It means so much that so many of you can take time out of your busy schedules to help a Pistonheader in need.
If I can ever repay the favour I would be honoured to do so!
This was doing the rounds on Facebook recently:
With the article here: http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la...
Rather than thinking about it being someone ill, think about it being someone needing support and love - your daughter. Put her at the middle - you CANNOT whinge about life to her, all you can do is support and love her. Whinge and complain about life outwards.
With the article here: http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la...
Rather than thinking about it being someone ill, think about it being someone needing support and love - your daughter. Put her at the middle - you CANNOT whinge about life to her, all you can do is support and love her. Whinge and complain about life outwards.
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