Older parents/parenting
Discussion
Regular PHer here posting under an anonymous ID as I’d prefer to keep some aspects of my private life free from being thrown back at me next time I ask a question on tyre recommendations 
Just want to share the tale of something which my wife and I are going through at present, partly for cathartic reasons but also I’m genuinely interested to hear other people’s views. I’ll try to keep it as brief as possible.
My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 5. I’m 53, she’s 43.
When we got together we discussed parenthood in some detail and we were very much up for it. We tried, we were unsuccessful, (including a couple of rounds of IVF) and we’re both sub-fertile.
Long story short, we have (had?) adjusted to the situation and we live quite a nice little life together. However, somewhat out of the blue, we have just been offered an egg donor. This gives us an option as I had sperm frozen during IVF, but it has thrown us into much confusion and not a little upset.
I am concerned (scared, even) that we are too old now to think about bringing up a small child. The reproductive process is, after all, generall designed biologically for the younger adult, and I wonder how we will deal with sleepless nights and the demands of a small person at our ages. Remember that I’ll be at retirement age before it starts secondary education. Not to mention the subsequent financial aspects of meeting a teenager’s needs on a pension.
There are dozens of other thoughts running around both our heads, we have sat and talked and talked and talked and we can’t work out the best course of action. It would be a massive life-milestone if we decide to say no to the donor; it will close a door permanently, really, because nothing will change to alter the decision in 6/12/14 months’ time, so if we say No now, we face that being the final outcome. I think that up until now we have perhaps quietly comforted ourselves that a tiny little "what if" possibility still existed, but we have never had to analyse that thought to the point of decision-making.
I know that I have written this in a somewhat detached way, which was on purpose; I don’t want to load the thread up with all the emotional and other aspects (yet!) but I’m just looking for people’s thoughts on whether embarking upon parenthood at our age, notwithstanding the number of times you see this reported both positively and negatively in the press (both celebrity and non-), would be the greatest thing ever or a disaster and mistake for all involved?
Genuine replies greatly appreciated. This being PH an' all, if you feel the need to mock/criticise/abuse then fill your boots, but it's unlikely that I will respond to your post
Thanks.
Just want to share the tale of something which my wife and I are going through at present, partly for cathartic reasons but also I’m genuinely interested to hear other people’s views. I’ll try to keep it as brief as possible.
My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 5. I’m 53, she’s 43.
When we got together we discussed parenthood in some detail and we were very much up for it. We tried, we were unsuccessful, (including a couple of rounds of IVF) and we’re both sub-fertile.
Long story short, we have (had?) adjusted to the situation and we live quite a nice little life together. However, somewhat out of the blue, we have just been offered an egg donor. This gives us an option as I had sperm frozen during IVF, but it has thrown us into much confusion and not a little upset.
I am concerned (scared, even) that we are too old now to think about bringing up a small child. The reproductive process is, after all, generall designed biologically for the younger adult, and I wonder how we will deal with sleepless nights and the demands of a small person at our ages. Remember that I’ll be at retirement age before it starts secondary education. Not to mention the subsequent financial aspects of meeting a teenager’s needs on a pension.
There are dozens of other thoughts running around both our heads, we have sat and talked and talked and talked and we can’t work out the best course of action. It would be a massive life-milestone if we decide to say no to the donor; it will close a door permanently, really, because nothing will change to alter the decision in 6/12/14 months’ time, so if we say No now, we face that being the final outcome. I think that up until now we have perhaps quietly comforted ourselves that a tiny little "what if" possibility still existed, but we have never had to analyse that thought to the point of decision-making.
I know that I have written this in a somewhat detached way, which was on purpose; I don’t want to load the thread up with all the emotional and other aspects (yet!) but I’m just looking for people’s thoughts on whether embarking upon parenthood at our age, notwithstanding the number of times you see this reported both positively and negatively in the press (both celebrity and non-), would be the greatest thing ever or a disaster and mistake for all involved?
Genuine replies greatly appreciated. This being PH an' all, if you feel the need to mock/criticise/abuse then fill your boots, but it's unlikely that I will respond to your post
Thanks.
I'm not going to say anything about you parenting specifically cos I don't know you, or in fact who you are... but I will say that lots, and LOTS of people have, and continue to, bring up kids when they are well out of their youth. Grandparents bring up grandbabies all the time too. People who don't have much money do as well - I wouldn't worry too much about that pension.
But the other thing is that although this feels like a last chance requiring a near-immediate decision, it isn't - there is no age limit on adoption, and there's nothing to make it certain that you couldn't re-explore using donors in the future too. It's worth noting that some adopted children bring with them a small amount of financial support, to help secure their future. It's never much and often it's nothing, but it'd be a decent supplement to a pension if it came down to it.
All the very best to you both, whatever you decide to do. I'm just coming to the end of the adoption process and although the scale of the paperwork has been pretty epic, it's actually been a really positive process with sensible and sympathetic social workers at every turn.
But the other thing is that although this feels like a last chance requiring a near-immediate decision, it isn't - there is no age limit on adoption, and there's nothing to make it certain that you couldn't re-explore using donors in the future too. It's worth noting that some adopted children bring with them a small amount of financial support, to help secure their future. It's never much and often it's nothing, but it'd be a decent supplement to a pension if it came down to it.
All the very best to you both, whatever you decide to do. I'm just coming to the end of the adoption process and although the scale of the paperwork has been pretty epic, it's actually been a really positive process with sensible and sympathetic social workers at every turn.
My cousin had a baby in her mid forties and her husband is mid fifties. He has 3 grown up kids from his first marriage so must have went through the same thought process as you. He copes just fine and they both love bringing up the little fella. Mind he's a director and spends a lot of time away from home so maybe doesn't have the same worries about getting out of bed through the night.
My son has just turned 13 and I'm 40 in June. I'd hate to have to go through the sleepless nights thing again but that's just me.
The one thing I would say is that our relationship is great as the generation gap isn't too bad. I was 26 when he came along. We both listen to indie rock music, play on the PS together and go for bike rides, camping together etc. Obviously there are some barriers which exist across all generations but think about when the child is a bit older. Will you be too tired to play football with him/her? When they want to play, will you be wanting to read the papers in front of the fire? I don't know how active you are or how young in spirit you are but it's worth thinking about.
Whatever you decide, I hope it all goes well. From a personal point of view, there's nothing in life more rewarding than having children. Something you just down't get when you don't have kids. (That said, sometimes I think about how well my life could have went and how much better off financially I'd be if I didn't have the boy!) Then they do or say something to make you proud and it starts to make more sense
My son has just turned 13 and I'm 40 in June. I'd hate to have to go through the sleepless nights thing again but that's just me.
The one thing I would say is that our relationship is great as the generation gap isn't too bad. I was 26 when he came along. We both listen to indie rock music, play on the PS together and go for bike rides, camping together etc. Obviously there are some barriers which exist across all generations but think about when the child is a bit older. Will you be too tired to play football with him/her? When they want to play, will you be wanting to read the papers in front of the fire? I don't know how active you are or how young in spirit you are but it's worth thinking about.
Whatever you decide, I hope it all goes well. From a personal point of view, there's nothing in life more rewarding than having children. Something you just down't get when you don't have kids. (That said, sometimes I think about how well my life could have went and how much better off financially I'd be if I didn't have the boy!) Then they do or say something to make you proud and it starts to make more sense
As a general rule I wouldn't worry about it. I'm 42 and have a 2 year old, we're about to go through another round of IVF (this will be our last) and am thourally looking forward to it hopefully being successful. I suspect it does keep you youthful. Don't let it be a regret by not trying.
BlackVanDyke said:
there is no age limit on adoption
I'm not sure this is true - I thought it was 45 years max.Thanks all for the comments, I really do appreciate it and they are very positive and encouraging. I'm not sure I'd be up to a game of football even today, but on the other hand it will grow up to be a dab hand with a bag of spanners as it will have to spend time with me in the man cave fixing things!
warp9 said:
Don't let it be a regret by not trying.
That is our biggest worry. And re adoption, yes, I think we were also told that we were too old already??AnotherPHer14 said:
Thanks all for the comments, I really do appreciate it and they are very positive and encouraging. I'm not sure I'd be up to a game of football even today, but on the other hand it will grow up to be a dab hand with a bag of spanners as it will have to spend time with me in the man cave fixing things!
My dad was in his 40's when I was born, it was fine while he wasn't a run round the park dad his age meant he had the cash for cooler toys, cooler holidays etc, Find the local soccer tots etc to cover for any lack of fitness or skill with sports.warp9 said:
Don't let it be a regret by not trying.
That is our biggest worry. And re adoption, yes, I think we were also told that we were too old already??OP, are you prepared for what it will be like for your son or daughter when they are 18 and possibly having to look after you and your wife when you are both 71 and 61 years of age? I know people live longer and you may be fit and healthy at the age, but it's worth thinking about how your child would feel if both of you aren't in the greatest of health. Also, I'm not trying to sound morbid, but god forbid if you or your partner were to die, how would the other cope bringing up a child at your current age, or even 10 years from now?
If it's any conciliation my husbands father was 61 when he was born (mother is quite a bit younger) and my husband never felt he missed out on having an older father. If anything as his father was retired it meant he was always home when my husband was back from school.
On the flip side I never got to meet him as he died many years ago and if we had kids they wouldn't have met their grand father either.
My aunty fell pregnant at 40 and is now bringing up a toddler and about to go through divorce, but she seems very capable of looking after her little one, so your wife might be too.
Is it such a necessity for you to have kids now? From the sounds of it you have a good life, so why rock the boat now? You could both be retiring in 20 years. Do you want school stress and financial issues faced with a child, or do you both want to be thinking about travelling the world without any commitments and enjoying your retirement?
Also remember the stress and the impact a child will have on your relationship with your wife. I've seen it happen with my own eyes, which makes me very sceptical about having children, but that's just my own personal situation and I'm sure there are plenty of people who will tell you it's the best thing they did and their relationship grew stronger. Naturally there are 2 sides to every coin, just be prepared for heads or tails, because you really need to cover all eventualities in your own mind.
If it's any conciliation my husbands father was 61 when he was born (mother is quite a bit younger) and my husband never felt he missed out on having an older father. If anything as his father was retired it meant he was always home when my husband was back from school.
On the flip side I never got to meet him as he died many years ago and if we had kids they wouldn't have met their grand father either.
My aunty fell pregnant at 40 and is now bringing up a toddler and about to go through divorce, but she seems very capable of looking after her little one, so your wife might be too.
Is it such a necessity for you to have kids now? From the sounds of it you have a good life, so why rock the boat now? You could both be retiring in 20 years. Do you want school stress and financial issues faced with a child, or do you both want to be thinking about travelling the world without any commitments and enjoying your retirement?
Also remember the stress and the impact a child will have on your relationship with your wife. I've seen it happen with my own eyes, which makes me very sceptical about having children, but that's just my own personal situation and I'm sure there are plenty of people who will tell you it's the best thing they did and their relationship grew stronger. Naturally there are 2 sides to every coin, just be prepared for heads or tails, because you really need to cover all eventualities in your own mind.
Engineer1 said:
My dad was in his 40's when I was born, it was fine while he wasn't a run round the park dad his age meant he had the cash for cooler toys, cooler holidays etc, Find the local soccer tots etc to cover for any lack of fitness or skill with sports.
Actually that's worth a mention. My Dad was 40 when I came along. My next brother up is 10 years older so I'm not so sure I was planned 
The thing is, as much as he's helped me financially and with homework and stuff, we never really had that much of a bond. Maybe it's just his personality. He's from the generation that can't show affection and was a stiff upper lip civil servant or maybe it is just too much of a generation gap. Either way, I'm no where near as distant with my boy as my father was with me. Don't get me wrong, I visit every week and know he loves me but he's not one for man hugs and I love you's. More your shake hands and "see you then son" type toon10 said:
Engineer1 said:
My dad was in his 40's when I was born, it was fine while he wasn't a run round the park dad his age meant he had the cash for cooler toys, cooler holidays etc, Find the local soccer tots etc to cover for any lack of fitness or skill with sports.
Actually that's worth a mention. My Dad was 40 when I came along. My next brother up is 10 years older so I'm not so sure I was planned The thing is, as much as he's helped me financially and with homework and stuff, we never really had that much of a bond. Maybe it's just his personality. He's from the generation that can't show affection and was a stiff upper lip civil servant or maybe it is just too much of a generation gap. Either way, I'm no where near as distant with my boy as my father was with me. Don't get me wrong, I visit every week and know he loves me but he's not one for man hugs and I love you's. More your shake hands and "see you then son" type Thanks everyone for your thoughts and comments. After another long discussion last night, we have decided to ask the clinic/donor for a little more time; I don't think there are any aspects which we haven't covered or thought of, but we just need a little longer to get our heads around this.
I/we do appreciate all of your input.
I/we do appreciate all of your input.
5MUG said:
Crack on. Having children is the most wonderful thing. We have birth child and an adopted child. Adoption can be tough, but I wouldn't change a thing!
I second this. I will be 42 this year and my son is 18 months old. It took me a while to get pregnant and age going against me but I wouldn't change it for the world, nor could I imagine being without him.MonkeyMatt said:
Please dont take this the wrong way but it is highly possible that you may pass away while your child is still in their 20's! You will also always be confused with bein the childs grandad rather than the father.
Have you considered fostering or adopting an older child?
None taken at all! Very happy to receive all thoughts and views.Have you considered fostering or adopting an older child?
To answer your points, yes, I have thought about the first two points, very much so. I am fortunate in coming from a line of fairly long-lived males (mostly mid-80s) and healthy ones at that; of course that doesn't necessarily carry through especially given modern lifestyles, food, chemicals, etc. And yes I have certainly thought about being taken for the grandparent, but I guess that if I'm being grown-up about it (how hideous!) then that's just sticks & stones really and it doesn't, or at least shouldn't, much matter.
Adoption and fostering: we have thought about it but part of all of this is that we want someone who is "us". Also, as mentioned further up the thread, I'm pretty sure we are too old to adopt now, ridiculous as that may be. Fostering - well, my wife has quite strong feelings that she would not be happy with forming a bond with a child who could then disappear again, so we don't feel that would be the answer for us. I admire people who can do it though.
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