Anorexic daughter - anyone got any tips on how to survive
Discussion
In what way is she anorexic?
Does she calorie count (so stays massively under)
Does she eat then throw up? (Bulimic is it?)
Does she just not eat much?
Have you tried like the tv program fat vs thin which may put into perspective how small she is?
If it's the last point not eating much, perhaps look at a mass gainer (shakes) that will at least put her into a calorie surplus.
I've no experience with anorexia but happy to try and help
Does she calorie count (so stays massively under)
Does she eat then throw up? (Bulimic is it?)
Does she just not eat much?
Have you tried like the tv program fat vs thin which may put into perspective how small she is?
If it's the last point not eating much, perhaps look at a mass gainer (shakes) that will at least put her into a calorie surplus.
I've no experience with anorexia but happy to try and help
GP hasn't been much help. We're seeing Camhs, and they're ok. Not actually tried b-eat, I've not actually managed to figure out what help they offer - were they actually useful?
My total lack of hope is probably related to the fact that we've just finished a 6 month stint in an in-patient unit, and things seem to be just as bad as before she went in.
My total lack of hope is probably related to the fact that we've just finished a 6 month stint in an in-patient unit, and things seem to be just as bad as before she went in.
omniflow said:
Please refrain from posting flippant replies, as it's not something I'm finding even close to amusing.
This place is full of flippant stuff when it's amusing.This is not one of those times. I have nothing to help but I suspect amongst ph at large there will be some excellent advice.
The very best of luck.
smiffy180 said:
I've no experience with anorexia but happy to try and help
With all due respect, your post kind of indicates that.OP, there's often a specialist unit about for dealing with this. Shame that your GP hasn't been much help. Worth trying another? Where abouts in the country are you?
If you haven't, try speaking to the person in charge of safeguarding at her school (informally, just ring up reception and ask to speak to them). They may well not be able to help, but I would wager they will have contacts / pathways that can.
I have a minimal amount of experience with it - it seems to be finding the approach that is right for that person, so please don't lose heart. Persistence is your best friend - keep trying.
Good luck.
I have a minimal amount of experience with it - it seems to be finding the approach that is right for that person, so please don't lose heart. Persistence is your best friend - keep trying.
Good luck.
OK. I lived in the house of eating disorders as a teenager, albeit we were older. I think my sister was 15/16 when she became anorexic. It was utterly horrible. I was a little older and spotted it way before anyone else did. My parents were terrified. I could literally write pages about how this changed the family dynamic, how I kept the peace by eating her food sometimes but I had confidence she would get better.
And she did. But it was a slow process. We both tried therapy and we both had great support networks.We tried a number of different things - our family GP was a huge support. I think we were luckily in that my sister was able to turn things around eventually - the decision had to come from her. She's now got a family of her own. I've never asked her what it was that changed things, how she did it. But currently a friend's daughter is on her third in-patient stay. It's different for every single person - what works for one won't necessarily work for another.
There's a lot more I could say but it's hard stuff to share, so if you feel it would helpful, you could send me a message.
And she did. But it was a slow process. We both tried therapy and we both had great support networks.We tried a number of different things - our family GP was a huge support. I think we were luckily in that my sister was able to turn things around eventually - the decision had to come from her. She's now got a family of her own. I've never asked her what it was that changed things, how she did it. But currently a friend's daughter is on her third in-patient stay. It's different for every single person - what works for one won't necessarily work for another.
There's a lot more I could say but it's hard stuff to share, so if you feel it would helpful, you could send me a message.
I should probably add, we're already hooked in to everything that the NHS can offer, and the school are fully engaged too. We've had a 6 month stay in an in-patient unit, which is NHS tier 4. We've also tried private therapists and not found anything that "works". We've found things that are helpful - but nothing that actually works.
I should also probably point out that my original post was focused on seeking advice for maintaining my own personal sanity. The path to recovery with this illness is long, and for people close to the patient it is extremely draining. When she was first diagnosed, I thought it would be sorted in 6 - 8 weeks, then I re-baselined to 2 years. Right now I'm in the process of re-baselining to 5 - 7 years, and that's really causing me to think about doing a "Reggie Perrin".
I should also probably point out that my original post was focused on seeking advice for maintaining my own personal sanity. The path to recovery with this illness is long, and for people close to the patient it is extremely draining. When she was first diagnosed, I thought it would be sorted in 6 - 8 weeks, then I re-baselined to 2 years. Right now I'm in the process of re-baselining to 5 - 7 years, and that's really causing me to think about doing a "Reggie Perrin".
There is normally some root cause of the problem that is nothing to do with food, but anxiety about other things. It seems that you are getting the right help and seeing psychotherapists and other specialist people?
You didn't answer the question above, in which way is she anorexic? Not eating? Laxatives? Bulimic? Eating erratically or even purging isn't bad in itself, just if taken to excess. If enough if absorbed, she can survive without being in danger. Is she incredibly underweight? Losing hair?
As for yourself, unfortunately 'being strong' is the only answer. You have to support your daughter however hard it may be, however much it is draining and she resents you. Running away isn't an option as that will make the psychological issues that she probably is suffering from much worse.
You didn't answer the question above, in which way is she anorexic? Not eating? Laxatives? Bulimic? Eating erratically or even purging isn't bad in itself, just if taken to excess. If enough if absorbed, she can survive without being in danger. Is she incredibly underweight? Losing hair?
As for yourself, unfortunately 'being strong' is the only answer. You have to support your daughter however hard it may be, however much it is draining and she resents you. Running away isn't an option as that will make the psychological issues that she probably is suffering from much worse.
Sorry to hear about your daughter.
If it helps, it's all about mental health and very little to do with food. You need to look at the underlying reason(s) why she's avoiding food. Many children discover that they have very little control over their lives and find that the only way they can deal with it and regain some kind of control is by controlling what food goes in.
I'd be reluctant to feed her high calorie foods because if she sees she's not losing weight, she'll just end up doing extra exercise to burn off the calories.
It's a shame the unit didn't help. Do they advise you try them again?
If it helps, it's all about mental health and very little to do with food. You need to look at the underlying reason(s) why she's avoiding food. Many children discover that they have very little control over their lives and find that the only way they can deal with it and regain some kind of control is by controlling what food goes in.
I'd be reluctant to feed her high calorie foods because if she sees she's not losing weight, she'll just end up doing extra exercise to burn off the calories.
It's a shame the unit didn't help. Do they advise you try them again?
I'm not going to go into too many personal details but CHAMS was fantastic for my son. He's had a lot of problems and is underweight but is far from anorexic.
Changing school - he was being bullied at his old school and the school was worse than crap about dealing with it - made a significant difference.
Changing school - he was being bullied at his old school and the school was worse than crap about dealing with it - made a significant difference.
simonrockman said:
I'm not going to go into too many personal details but CHAMS was fantastic for my son. He's had a lot of problems and is underweight but is far from anorexic.
Changing school - he was being bullied at his old school and the school was worse than crap about dealing with it - made a significant difference.
For clarity, I think you mean CAHMS - Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services.Changing school - he was being bullied at his old school and the school was worse than crap about dealing with it - made a significant difference.
I think that when the NHS pulls its finger out, the care is fantastic. Only problem being that it's patchy, with huge regional variations in the availability and quality of services offered.
OP, I'm sure I don't need to tell you that your daughter is at a critical stage in her development. Any 'dragging of feet' now will affect her potentially for the rest of her life.
Personally I'd wear the cost, and pay for your daughter to see a counsellor privately. Consider it as an investment in her future. The best way to choose one is by recommendation, and given the reach of PH, hopefully someone, near you, will have been in your shoes.
If not, The British Psychological Society website has a register of qualified Psychologists, with a search function. Don't be afraid to try another if one isn't working out: qualification isn't a 100% guarantee of competence, however it's a start. Believe it or not, the counselling 'industry' is completely unregulated.
Finally, look after yourself in all this. When The Stress Glass is already full, it doesn't take much for it to spill over. Start by making a list of the 'energy sink-holes' in your life, and prioritise a few not to worry about for the time being, or maybe get rid of, while you focus on helping your daughter to get well again.
Oh and finally, good luck. Plan a family treat for when this is all over with.
Hoofy said:
I would also make sure she's not receiving outside influence. They have what they term ana-buddies. Basically, friends (sometimes online) who motivate each other to stay focused on the anorexia. Also check she's not visiting pro-ana or thinspiration/"thinspo" sites.
Indeed. Visiting these sites can be one step forwards and en backwards....
OP, I have seen the consequences of Anorexia in others and from a parent's perspective I think you are correct in thinking longer term - and that includes up to 21-22. There is so much that your daughter's anorexia could be attributed to - and you need as much help as you can dealing with it as a family unit. Tough for you and yours. I hope your daughter finds resolution soon.
Thanks for lots of helpful replies.
We've tried a couple of private therapists - the first one was a child physcotherapist (sic?) and that was a total disaster. The second one was slightly alternative, and that seemed to do some good, it definitely appeared to reduce anxiety and put things on a more even keel, but it's reached the limit of it's effectiveness now. If anyone has any specific recommendations, I would be extremely grateful. We're based more or less in the Thames Valley.
For those that have asked, she is "textbook" anorexic - no bulimia. Two main symptoms - exercise and reduction of intake, both with some VERY extreme angles.
To answer the humour question - this has been going on for 2 years now, and it's getting much harder to see a clear path to a solution. There are some moments that would be hilarious if things weren't as serious as they are - crisp packets opened down the seam and half the contents disposed of, before being taped up and put back in the cupboard being one example.
I'm trying to work out how to empty my stress glass - it's definitely getting full.
We've tried a couple of private therapists - the first one was a child physcotherapist (sic?) and that was a total disaster. The second one was slightly alternative, and that seemed to do some good, it definitely appeared to reduce anxiety and put things on a more even keel, but it's reached the limit of it's effectiveness now. If anyone has any specific recommendations, I would be extremely grateful. We're based more or less in the Thames Valley.
For those that have asked, she is "textbook" anorexic - no bulimia. Two main symptoms - exercise and reduction of intake, both with some VERY extreme angles.
To answer the humour question - this has been going on for 2 years now, and it's getting much harder to see a clear path to a solution. There are some moments that would be hilarious if things weren't as serious as they are - crisp packets opened down the seam and half the contents disposed of, before being taped up and put back in the cupboard being one example.
I'm trying to work out how to empty my stress glass - it's definitely getting full.
Sounds like you are following as many routes as you can to help your daughter. The hardest part for you is to not feel helpless, powerless and weak. Your stress is normal, but it can also add the her anxiety. Try to speak to someone who can just listen to you, you know you are stressed, just need an outlet. It's good to laugh at the daft bits, just try to channel that emotion positively. Have you looked at exercise? It could help you decompress. Good luck and stay strong
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