So I am going to lose my mum to cancer......
Discussion
I don't know where to start with this other than to say that I have thought about writing about this a number of times now without actually doing it. I just feel so low today that letting it out a bit might help. Who knows?
I guess I have always been what you'd call a "mummy's boy" if I'm honest. My mum has always been there for me, and I have leant on her far more than I should have in my adult life. I suppose I feel quite guilty for that now. She brought me up on her own for the most part, with me just seeing my dad on weekends. He and I have always had a very strained relationship.
I've always been someone that compares myself to people that have more, then feel a bit inferior for not having achieved as much as those people. But I've always had this thing in my head that one day I would get there, and I would really treat my mum and take her on a nice holiday or something as a kind of big thank you for being so supportive to me over the years. Now I feel like a failure because I haven't managed to do that yet and now it's too late.
I just can't believe how quickly everything seems to have happened..... A few months ago she was experiencing some pain and discomfort on an ongoing basis. She had many trips to the doctor and they struggled to find out what was wrong. Eventually they got her into hospital for tests etc. and they really drug their heels trying to find out what was going on. They did keyhole surgeries to try and get a proper look at what was in there when it became apparent that she may be suffering from some kind of cancer, but they struggled to get a proper look at it. They then seemed to drag out getting her back in for further attempts etc. and it felt like an eternity. But then I got the call from my sister that changed everything. She explained it to me and told me there was nothing that could be done. That the cancer had really gotten hold of her and was very aggressive. I seem to remember "second stage" being mentioned. She had got Transitional Cell Carcinoma.
Reading about it, it seems that her smoking is the reason she has ended up with this horrible disease.
I've been through the full range of emotions over this. Fear, guilt, regret, anger etc. I'm still finding that although I have accepted the situation, I struggle to deal with it some days. One of the worst parts of all this is that my fiancée and I are due to be married in October. It's become pretty clear to me that my mother isn't going to be there. Either through losing her fight or simply being too weak if she is still with us. She has wasted away to nothing at an alarming rate, and it's doubtful now whether she is going to want to go through chemotherapy to try and slow the cancer down when doing so is going to make her so much more ill.
I'm struggling so badly to understand just how life has managed to line up both the best and the worst days I have ever experienced all together at the same time. The year I got married will always be the year my mum died. She's been the most amazing person I've ever known, and any kids I have are going to grow up never having known her. She will never ever see them. That's really, really hard to take.
She went into a hospice this week and I have struggled with that. To me, that's where people go to die. That's just the way I have always seen them. I was able to go and visit her there last night and can see that it is so much better for her than a hospital (where the staff were pretty useless unfortunately) and she will be massively more comfortable there. I'm just worried that it's the beginning of the end, and every text or call from my sister has me worried that I am about to receive some awful news....
She's 67 years old and I thought she was going to be here for another 20 years. She's only been retired around 2 years and it all seems so unfair.... I've seen the strongest woman I have ever known become almost a withered zombie in a matter of weeks. The drugs she's on are so powerful that when I manage to see her after work, she is pretty much nodding off the whole time. It's like the mum I knew has already gone in a way. I just wish we had some kind of hope, instead of this constant sense of foreboding, this constant waiting for the end to come....
I don't really know what else to say, so will leave it there. Thanks to anybody that has taken the time to read this. Writing it out actually has helped a little.
Your story sounds so similar to mine. You just need to make the most of the time you have left and try to remember the good times. It's very hard but what helped me was to realise there are always people in a worse position than you and at least she wont be suffering any more when she does pass.
This poem really helped with my grieving
Time is a great healer, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my Mum but it has gone from sad thoughts to positive.
This poem really helped with my grieving
Time is a great healer, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my Mum but it has gone from sad thoughts to positive.
Its very hard when anyone dies but when that person is someone who has been your 'rock' for your entire life it leaves a huge hole. My Dad did when he also died of cancer.
I'm not going to sugar coat it, it'll be awful and it'll take years to get over, and you probably won't ever get over it. But, you can at least look back and be thankful of all the amazing times you had together, it doesn't matter what you did or where you were, you were together and that's the most important thing for both of you.
I'm not going to sugar coat it, it'll be awful and it'll take years to get over, and you probably won't ever get over it. But, you can at least look back and be thankful of all the amazing times you had together, it doesn't matter what you did or where you were, you were together and that's the most important thing for both of you.
My mum was 63 when I lost her to cancer in 2011 and it is an unbelievably terrible thing to witness. I can appreciate what you're going through right now and all I can hope for you, your mum and the rest of your family is that the end comes as quickly as possible. Watching someone pass away quickly in a little pain is infinitely more preferable to watching them die slowly, in agony, over a long drawn-out period.
Anything you need to say to her; get it said. Anything her friends need to say to her; get them to say it. Please don't regret missing the opportunity.
Anything you need to say to her; get it said. Anything her friends need to say to her; get them to say it. Please don't regret missing the opportunity.
TroubledSoul said:
But I've always had this thing in my head that one day I would get there, and I would really treat my mum and take her on a nice holiday or something as a kind of big thank you for being so supportive to me over the years. Now I feel like a failure because I haven't managed to do that yet and now it's too late.
Ah man, that really hit home. You've pretty much summed up what I've been saying to myself for years, despite convincing myself that "I'm not quite there yet".Focus on the positives and the good times - however hard that may be.
Troubled soul
I can completely sympathise with your position. I was told last year that my father has terminal Mesliothoma. He's had radio and chemotherapy, but its only delaying the inevitable. I have no idea how much time I left to enjoy his company, nor the time left for him to see his grand children grow up.
But like you I've often wondered if I'd done enought to make him proud.
As has been said, revel in what time you have left with her, and don't beat yourself up over stuff you can't change.
I wish you all the best and comfort for the future.
If you'd like to talk further then you can PM me.
I can completely sympathise with your position. I was told last year that my father has terminal Mesliothoma. He's had radio and chemotherapy, but its only delaying the inevitable. I have no idea how much time I left to enjoy his company, nor the time left for him to see his grand children grow up.
But like you I've often wondered if I'd done enought to make him proud.
As has been said, revel in what time you have left with her, and don't beat yourself up over stuff you can't change.
I wish you all the best and comfort for the future.
If you'd like to talk further then you can PM me.
f
king fk cancer.
As someone who lost a parent to cancer, my advice is to spend as much time with her as possible while you still can, and not to hold back in any conversations with her.
Also, and I know how hard this is, make sure that her affairs are in order and that you know what her wishes are.
king fk cancer.As someone who lost a parent to cancer, my advice is to spend as much time with her as possible while you still can, and not to hold back in any conversations with her.
Also, and I know how hard this is, make sure that her affairs are in order and that you know what her wishes are.
Thanks all, you have made me very glad I wrote about this. It actually does help to hear others' kind words and to know that it's OK to feel these things.
I find that when I go after work and she's barely with it, I feel anger and resentment to any unlces or aunts who have been there all day, tiring her out. I then feel bad because they need to see her too.
I am also really worried about her partner, and how he is going to be after all this. They never married, so I'm worried about it being difficult for him with regards to admin etc. and they moved counties around 18 months ago to live nearer my sister and her young daughter. They were happy there, but everything he knows outside of that is back where they used to live.
He's going to need a lot of support.
I find that when I go after work and she's barely with it, I feel anger and resentment to any unlces or aunts who have been there all day, tiring her out. I then feel bad because they need to see her too.
I am also really worried about her partner, and how he is going to be after all this. They never married, so I'm worried about it being difficult for him with regards to admin etc. and they moved counties around 18 months ago to live nearer my sister and her young daughter. They were happy there, but everything he knows outside of that is back where they used to live.
He's going to need a lot of support.
TroubledSoul said:
I've always been someone that compares myself to people that have more, then feel a bit inferior for not having achieved as much as those people. But I've always had this thing in my head that one day I would get there, and I would really treat my mum and take her on a nice holiday or something as a kind of big thank you for being so supportive to me over the years. Now I feel like a failure because I haven't managed to do that yet and now it's too late.
If she's up to it just take her out for the day/a few hours, just you two & don't dwell on the current. Talk about the good times and make sure she knows how grateful you really are.Best wishes
I lost my mother to cancer in March this year, she was 67 years old. She was diagnosed on 22nd Jan. My mother didnt spend a day in hospital, we nursed her at home along with local nurses and McMillan cancer nurses (who are simply amazing people) and she passed away peacefully in her sleep.
You will go through a million and one emotions (I did), but try and focus on caring for your mother, try and have some one to one time with her, talk about everything, reassure her, let her tell you her fears.
I think guilt for what you have or havnt done is a natural feeling in this situation, put the thoughts out of your mind as much as you can, I doubt your mother would want to think you were having such thoughts.
To the OP: I lost my Dad to cancer when I was just a teenager and I regret not spending more time with him towards the end. I was also dealing with it badly but have only been able to admit that in recent times.
Only advice I can give is spend as much time as you can with her. Dont get angry at other family members if they seem to wear her out during the day, friction caused now will only get worse. Make sure she knows you are there, even if she does just seem to be dozing.
Dont think about what happens next, It does get easier, but I think I kept allot of it in and hidden and its only now I have a wife and son I find it easier to grieve.
My thoughts are with you all during this time, hang in there for your Mum.
Only advice I can give is spend as much time as you can with her. Dont get angry at other family members if they seem to wear her out during the day, friction caused now will only get worse. Make sure she knows you are there, even if she does just seem to be dozing.
Dont think about what happens next, It does get easier, but I think I kept allot of it in and hidden and its only now I have a wife and son I find it easier to grieve.
My thoughts are with you all during this time, hang in there for your Mum.
I lost my mum 4 years ago to Cancer, she had beaten it before but it came back a few years later.
We were taking it in turns to be with her in the hospital so she wasn't on her own and I was dropping my brother off when the nurse told us it wouldn't be long.
My dad went back to his place and me, my wife, my brother and sister sat around talking about mum and some of things she said.
The most PH related tale, would be when she turned the T/C off in her car when it was snowing and drove home one evening, thinking she had turned it on.
It wasn't till the death certificate was produced? that someone pointed out that mum had died almost to the hour of being born in the same hospital.
A couple of people say I haven't really mourned for her and they are probably right, I just dealt with it in my own and probably always will.
We were taking it in turns to be with her in the hospital so she wasn't on her own and I was dropping my brother off when the nurse told us it wouldn't be long.
My dad went back to his place and me, my wife, my brother and sister sat around talking about mum and some of things she said.
The most PH related tale, would be when she turned the T/C off in her car when it was snowing and drove home one evening, thinking she had turned it on.
It wasn't till the death certificate was produced? that someone pointed out that mum had died almost to the hour of being born in the same hospital.
A couple of people say I haven't really mourned for her and they are probably right, I just dealt with it in my own and probably always will.
OP I lost my mother to cancer, your mother has experienced 30 years more of life than mine did. So I miss what could have been, you'll miss what has been.
The strange thing is that her passing meant my life changed and certain good things that have since happened to me (marriage, kids, career path) would probably have followed a different path had she lived.
I am grateful for all these things, hopefully the things that bring you joy in the future - be thankful for her having helped you get there by living and dying. Sorry if that sounds weird!
The strange thing is that her passing meant my life changed and certain good things that have since happened to me (marriage, kids, career path) would probably have followed a different path had she lived.
I am grateful for all these things, hopefully the things that bring you joy in the future - be thankful for her having helped you get there by living and dying. Sorry if that sounds weird!
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