Discussion
Don't know where to turn at the moment.
My daughter is going through the teenage years. Tantrums, sulks, back chat etc I can deal with. However, she has taken it to a whole new level.
It started off middle of last year with the self harming, it comes and goes. Sometimes she talks to us, others she just clams up and won't talk to us other than to tell us that we have no idea what she is going through. These are the times that she starts to cut herself on her arms and legs. It's not as though she tries to hide it either, she wears short sleeves and shorts so the cuts are obvious.
Next we find out that she is sleeping with her boyfriend, she's only just turned 14, as has her boyfriend. I'm less worried about this than my wife as it is pretty inevitable, but it is sure as hell a lot earlier than I would have liked.
Now, it turns out that she has started drinking and smoking weed.
12 months ago she was a lovely girl, sure she had her moments, but now she is the daughter from hell. Oddly enough, though, her school grades have not (as yet) suffered, which is somewhat of a relief as she's extremely bright.
She is already seeing the school counsellor about the self harming, and we have an appointment to see another local counsellor in September as a family (the earliest appointment they could come up with!).
Anyone else had any experience of this? Any pointers? We have tried sitting down and having a reasonable adult discussion with her but we just get "you are shouting at me", no we're not, there is only one person shouting and it's neither of us.
My wife is losing weight through the worry, like she needs the extra stress when her parents are neither very well. I'm really struggling not to lose it big time and remain calm and reasonable.
Should I try to contact my daughter's boyfriend's parents to see if they are aware of the sleeping together, drink and drugs? Not in a accusatory manor, but in a what the hell can we do to sort this mess out for the pair of them manor.
Good grief, this is killing the pair of us and we really have no idea what we can do.
Just so you know before the traditional questions are asked, no, I will not ever post any photos of my daughter.
My daughter is going through the teenage years. Tantrums, sulks, back chat etc I can deal with. However, she has taken it to a whole new level.
It started off middle of last year with the self harming, it comes and goes. Sometimes she talks to us, others she just clams up and won't talk to us other than to tell us that we have no idea what she is going through. These are the times that she starts to cut herself on her arms and legs. It's not as though she tries to hide it either, she wears short sleeves and shorts so the cuts are obvious.
Next we find out that she is sleeping with her boyfriend, she's only just turned 14, as has her boyfriend. I'm less worried about this than my wife as it is pretty inevitable, but it is sure as hell a lot earlier than I would have liked.
Now, it turns out that she has started drinking and smoking weed.
12 months ago she was a lovely girl, sure she had her moments, but now she is the daughter from hell. Oddly enough, though, her school grades have not (as yet) suffered, which is somewhat of a relief as she's extremely bright.
She is already seeing the school counsellor about the self harming, and we have an appointment to see another local counsellor in September as a family (the earliest appointment they could come up with!).
Anyone else had any experience of this? Any pointers? We have tried sitting down and having a reasonable adult discussion with her but we just get "you are shouting at me", no we're not, there is only one person shouting and it's neither of us.
My wife is losing weight through the worry, like she needs the extra stress when her parents are neither very well. I'm really struggling not to lose it big time and remain calm and reasonable.
Should I try to contact my daughter's boyfriend's parents to see if they are aware of the sleeping together, drink and drugs? Not in a accusatory manor, but in a what the hell can we do to sort this mess out for the pair of them manor.
Good grief, this is killing the pair of us and we really have no idea what we can do.
Just so you know before the traditional questions are asked, no, I will not ever post any photos of my daughter.
I sympathise. My own kids aren't old enough yet, but I dealt with much younger sisters, even having one live with me in her early teens after a falling out with our parents. Both had teenage pregnancies and were a bit wild, but one went further downhill, eventually passing away in her early thirties, mainly from her years of self abuse. The other is normal, good degree, had three kids whilst at uni, is in a long term stable relationship (the kids dad left whilst she was studying for an MA and they were planning the wedding), light drinker, extremely sensible. This is the sister who moved in with me whilst still at school.
It is difficult to know how to pitch it, but my main advice is not to fight or reject this behaviour too hard. Teenage girls go through a huge amount of hormonal upheaval, sometimes resulting in a genuinely frightening amount of angst.
All of the behaviours described could result from feeling lost, at sea, and needing to fit in with peers, even self harming behaviour gets copied round cliques. However self harming, sex, drugs, smoking, all can be attempts to self medicate, all can assist in stabilising mood. And if my experience is anything to go by, chances are she's pretty scared and miserable.
So whilst you can't exactly condone it, if you can appear fairly accepting of her in herself, despite any unwanted behaviour, and continue to encourage and praise the efforts she makes that are positive such as continued performance at school, then I personally think you have a better chance of her maturing and coming out the other side.
Counselling by a third party is always good in these situations, as it provides a safe outlet and impartial advice and perspective on situations in her life that upset her, probably including you at times.
I just wanted to add something. Sometimes people get caught up in dreadfully inaccurate either/or scenarios. You can muck about with boys, booze etc and still get good grades, aspire to a career and so on. One thing I know my parents got drastically wrong was how dire their predictions of irrevocable doom were if you weren't squeaky clean. Their hysteria had the opposite effect to what they desired. Obviously I know you aren't hysterical, and I know how awfully hard it is to see youngsters screw up their lives. I just wanted to emphasise that there will be a middle way there somewhere and not to lose hope.
It is difficult to know how to pitch it, but my main advice is not to fight or reject this behaviour too hard. Teenage girls go through a huge amount of hormonal upheaval, sometimes resulting in a genuinely frightening amount of angst.
All of the behaviours described could result from feeling lost, at sea, and needing to fit in with peers, even self harming behaviour gets copied round cliques. However self harming, sex, drugs, smoking, all can be attempts to self medicate, all can assist in stabilising mood. And if my experience is anything to go by, chances are she's pretty scared and miserable.
So whilst you can't exactly condone it, if you can appear fairly accepting of her in herself, despite any unwanted behaviour, and continue to encourage and praise the efforts she makes that are positive such as continued performance at school, then I personally think you have a better chance of her maturing and coming out the other side.
Counselling by a third party is always good in these situations, as it provides a safe outlet and impartial advice and perspective on situations in her life that upset her, probably including you at times.
I just wanted to add something. Sometimes people get caught up in dreadfully inaccurate either/or scenarios. You can muck about with boys, booze etc and still get good grades, aspire to a career and so on. One thing I know my parents got drastically wrong was how dire their predictions of irrevocable doom were if you weren't squeaky clean. Their hysteria had the opposite effect to what they desired. Obviously I know you aren't hysterical, and I know how awfully hard it is to see youngsters screw up their lives. I just wanted to emphasise that there will be a middle way there somewhere and not to lose hope.
Edited by oldbanger on Tuesday 15th July 22:47
My youngest daughter, who is 15, her best friend has been going through a troubled time in the last few years; self harming, hanging around with the wrong crowd, drinking, smoking, being disruptive at school etc, oddly with us she is a lovely girl, polite, helpful and a real joy to be around however listen to her speaking to her mum and you can see a glimpse of her other side.
When she became involved with the wrong people my daughter distanced herself from her and they parted for 9m or so however they are now close friends again, interestingly when the wife was talking to the friends mother when they weren't friends the wife said to the mother something about her new friends and she responded with "she has no friends just people gang she hangs around with" which is very sad.
She is far better now after family counselling and the school have been good too, they think her issue is struggling with growing up and having to be independant and making her own decisions, this is quite common apparently with teenagers growing up and they can really struggle with the concept of getting older.
I hope you get this sorted OP, it sounds awful, I know what it is like when a child becomes difficult as my eldest daughter gave us a lot of grief for a year or so a few years back when she was 18/19, even dissapearing for 6m, she is now 21 and everything is back to normal now.
When she became involved with the wrong people my daughter distanced herself from her and they parted for 9m or so however they are now close friends again, interestingly when the wife was talking to the friends mother when they weren't friends the wife said to the mother something about her new friends and she responded with "she has no friends just people gang she hangs around with" which is very sad.
She is far better now after family counselling and the school have been good too, they think her issue is struggling with growing up and having to be independant and making her own decisions, this is quite common apparently with teenagers growing up and they can really struggle with the concept of getting older.
I hope you get this sorted OP, it sounds awful, I know what it is like when a child becomes difficult as my eldest daughter gave us a lot of grief for a year or so a few years back when she was 18/19, even dissapearing for 6m, she is now 21 and everything is back to normal now.
I'm sorry to read of your troubles, OP.
The self harming thing is often the biggie for parents. Quite rightly, it freaks them out.
But it astonishingly common these days - both covert and open. It seems to be the female equivalent of slamming doors and listening to Smiths records, which is what passed for angst in our day.
Three bits of advice - one of which is a bit left-field but bear with me:
1. Keep the lines of communication open - kindly and pleasantly, especially when you are being shut out. Make sure she knows always that you love her, and that you are interested, but that what she does and thinks is her business not yours.
2. Be a resource to her, not a drain: you may be overwhelmed by your needs - to be listened to, to be reassured, to be 'let in' - but in her world, your neediness is just another drag on her. These needs are your problem, not hers, and she does not have the resources to offer you them right now. Every time she sees you, she may see someone watching her anxiously, reproachfully, angrily or judgingly and that will piss her off massively. Try to ensure that when she sees you, she sees someone who is pleased to see her, who is interested in her opinion, who is respectful of her boundaries and who does not judge her for her decisions.
3. The odd one: go and watch "The Exorcist". Not for the obvious reason, but because it is extremely good film for enabling you to separate the behaviour from the person: many people see the girl doing and saying awful things. But you are encouraged to see a girl being driven and controlled by forces beyond her, and it is those forces that drive the behaviour. So you end up judging the forces, not the girl,
It's a useful thing to remember when you are faced with such challenging behaviour in your own family.
Good luck, OP. Let us know how you get on.
The self harming thing is often the biggie for parents. Quite rightly, it freaks them out.
But it astonishingly common these days - both covert and open. It seems to be the female equivalent of slamming doors and listening to Smiths records, which is what passed for angst in our day.
Three bits of advice - one of which is a bit left-field but bear with me:
1. Keep the lines of communication open - kindly and pleasantly, especially when you are being shut out. Make sure she knows always that you love her, and that you are interested, but that what she does and thinks is her business not yours.
2. Be a resource to her, not a drain: you may be overwhelmed by your needs - to be listened to, to be reassured, to be 'let in' - but in her world, your neediness is just another drag on her. These needs are your problem, not hers, and she does not have the resources to offer you them right now. Every time she sees you, she may see someone watching her anxiously, reproachfully, angrily or judgingly and that will piss her off massively. Try to ensure that when she sees you, she sees someone who is pleased to see her, who is interested in her opinion, who is respectful of her boundaries and who does not judge her for her decisions.
3. The odd one: go and watch "The Exorcist". Not for the obvious reason, but because it is extremely good film for enabling you to separate the behaviour from the person: many people see the girl doing and saying awful things. But you are encouraged to see a girl being driven and controlled by forces beyond her, and it is those forces that drive the behaviour. So you end up judging the forces, not the girl,
It's a useful thing to remember when you are faced with such challenging behaviour in your own family.
Good luck, OP. Let us know how you get on.
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff