Coping with a sick parent
Discussion
I don't want this to be a self indulgent thread or looking for sympathy but I am genuinely struggling and it would be good to get things off my chest/hear from people who have been through a similar situation and how they dealt with it.
Back in 2012 my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer which had spread to the bones and could therefore not be cured. He was treated with Zoladex which worked for a while but at his last two check ups PSA has risen from to 1.4 and then yesterday to 4, meaning the cancer is growing again. He is only 68 and as well as the cancer has been dealing with chronic back pain for the last two years meaning until two weeks ago he was almost not able to walk to the end of the garden. Just as things seemed to be improving on that front and he was becoming more positive (e.g. we went on holiday) he now has the cancer coming back.
A month after my father was diagnosed my mum was also diagnosed with breast cancer (like my father the aggressive kind), although so far things seem to be going well for her.
I have a great partner and friends and I do talk to them but am struggling to be "normal", everything I do I have the cancer in the back of my mind. I live close to my parents and see them regularly but it just feels like the elephant in the room all the time. I am an only child and this is the first time I have ever really wanted siblings, to have someone who knows exactly what I am going through emotionally. I am a bit of a thinker and am looking to the future and terrified of seeing my father in pain or ultimately my mother being on her own and how she will cope. I look up statistics on cancer life expectancy when I know that I shouldn't and each case is different.
I also have these feelings of guilt as I think by having these worries I am making the situation about me when the only one who actually has the cancer is my father and no one else should have the right to make themselves a focus for it. I feel guilty for living a normal life, like going out with friends, on holiday when I know the mood in their house must be different. Sorry for rambling on, any advice on how to best deal with my own emotions plus anyone who does have experience of next stage treatment after hormone therapy would be appreciated.
Back in 2012 my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer which had spread to the bones and could therefore not be cured. He was treated with Zoladex which worked for a while but at his last two check ups PSA has risen from to 1.4 and then yesterday to 4, meaning the cancer is growing again. He is only 68 and as well as the cancer has been dealing with chronic back pain for the last two years meaning until two weeks ago he was almost not able to walk to the end of the garden. Just as things seemed to be improving on that front and he was becoming more positive (e.g. we went on holiday) he now has the cancer coming back.
A month after my father was diagnosed my mum was also diagnosed with breast cancer (like my father the aggressive kind), although so far things seem to be going well for her.
I have a great partner and friends and I do talk to them but am struggling to be "normal", everything I do I have the cancer in the back of my mind. I live close to my parents and see them regularly but it just feels like the elephant in the room all the time. I am an only child and this is the first time I have ever really wanted siblings, to have someone who knows exactly what I am going through emotionally. I am a bit of a thinker and am looking to the future and terrified of seeing my father in pain or ultimately my mother being on her own and how she will cope. I look up statistics on cancer life expectancy when I know that I shouldn't and each case is different.
I also have these feelings of guilt as I think by having these worries I am making the situation about me when the only one who actually has the cancer is my father and no one else should have the right to make themselves a focus for it. I feel guilty for living a normal life, like going out with friends, on holiday when I know the mood in their house must be different. Sorry for rambling on, any advice on how to best deal with my own emotions plus anyone who does have experience of next stage treatment after hormone therapy would be appreciated.
Sorry for what you are going through - it must be enormously difficult - there is support out there for the families of cancer sufferers just google it.
Without ignoring it I think it is best to try to enjoy whatever time you have left with your Dad and have memories that are going to last. I'm sure Dad doesn't want to focus on his illness all the time. Maybe you could take him to places he has good memories of, go out for meals etc whilst it is still possible.
Chin up as best you can matey!
Without ignoring it I think it is best to try to enjoy whatever time you have left with your Dad and have memories that are going to last. I'm sure Dad doesn't want to focus on his illness all the time. Maybe you could take him to places he has good memories of, go out for meals etc whilst it is still possible.
Chin up as best you can matey!
Duckers, I know how you are feeling. I lost my father 4 months ago to leukaemia, I too fear for my mum and how she will/is coping. My advice to you is spend as much time with them as you can and not think too much about what is happening. I know its easy to say but I let it really get to me and all I could think about was the negative sides of Cancer.
Try to remember the good times you have had and all the lovely memories and moments you have shared. This will make you sad and angry at the situation but in the long run this is what you need to hold onto through your life. Don't dwell on the suffering.
I held my father hand as he took him last breathe and this is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I'm only in my late 20's and every day I feel cheated. A good friend of mind told me you don't become an adult until you have lost a parent. I can definitely relate to this.
My thoughts are with you and your family during your difficult time.
Try to remember the good times you have had and all the lovely memories and moments you have shared. This will make you sad and angry at the situation but in the long run this is what you need to hold onto through your life. Don't dwell on the suffering.
I held my father hand as he took him last breathe and this is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I'm only in my late 20's and every day I feel cheated. A good friend of mind told me you don't become an adult until you have lost a parent. I can definitely relate to this.
My thoughts are with you and your family during your difficult time.
Oldandslow said:
Be there, be cheerful, chat about interesting and everyday stuff, be as normal as possible. It's hard going but the last thing a sick person needs is to see you miserable.
Thanks, I am trying, I think I need to stop being hard on myself and saying that I can't feel upset about the situation as it's not my illness. One of the things he said that really upset me (but I suppose is a good thing) is that he is content with the way his life is, that he doesn't want any grand gestures like a round the world trip or to jump out of a plane. He likes being with me/my partner and his family (who are like a second family to him) and simple things like weekends away so I am going to organise some of those. To be honest I don't know what the prognosis is, but I think I need to stop trying to guess what's going to happen and live for the moment a bit more.Druckers, I am going through a similar situation. My mum died 5 years ago from aggressive cancer and my dad has prostate and lung cancer and has been given a few months to live. I go and see him about 4 - 5 times a week as he lives on his own and is getting weaker, he doesn't want chemo as he saw what it did to mum.
You are not alone, there isn't a day that goes by without me worrying about cancer. I've found that sitting and talking to him takes his mind off things too. It does take some effort as you tend to talk about the same old things but I ask about when he was young and what he did and he can reminisce for ages. I've learnt more about him in 8 months that I did in the last 40 odd years
Keep your chin up for you and your parents. I wish you all the best.
You are not alone, there isn't a day that goes by without me worrying about cancer. I've found that sitting and talking to him takes his mind off things too. It does take some effort as you tend to talk about the same old things but I ask about when he was young and what he did and he can reminisce for ages. I've learnt more about him in 8 months that I did in the last 40 odd years
Keep your chin up for you and your parents. I wish you all the best.
I worried constantly about cancer when my wife was I'll. It was there all the time and it was utterly relentless and unforgiving. I felt the worst guilt imaginable when she had a PEG fitted and I could eat and she could not. No, you are mot alone at all in your feeling and in many respects cancer is immensely isolating on those caring, watching and loving. You did a good thing for yourself in writing down your thoughts. I did to, I had to to survive... And you need to be proactive so that when this all comes to past and the present tense becomes the ache of the past tense, you still function as a complete human being. Talk, write.. do what ever you have to do to express your emotional state.
Such a hard journey but you are most definitely not alone.
Such a hard journey but you are most definitely not alone.
A couple of things from where I'm sitting.
1. As has already been said, talk to him. Lots. Maybe even record it. You'll record a load of dross, but you will get him, you and your mum laughing.
2. It's normal for YOU to be upset/worried. You're obviously close to your dad so your life is going to change dramatically when he dies. Cry. and don't worry about doing it either. It's also fine to tell him you'll miss him! Also reassure him you'll look after your mum for him also (don't let her hear this though!!!!).
3. Don't forget your mum. She has cancer too. Don't get all wrapped up just in your dad.
Just my 2 pence worth.
1. As has already been said, talk to him. Lots. Maybe even record it. You'll record a load of dross, but you will get him, you and your mum laughing.
2. It's normal for YOU to be upset/worried. You're obviously close to your dad so your life is going to change dramatically when he dies. Cry. and don't worry about doing it either. It's also fine to tell him you'll miss him! Also reassure him you'll look after your mum for him also (don't let her hear this though!!!!).
3. Don't forget your mum. She has cancer too. Don't get all wrapped up just in your dad.
Just my 2 pence worth.
My mum was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at the age of 76. By that time there was nothing that could be done - ovarian cancer is apparently very difficult to diagnose until it is too late - so all that could be done was to keep her comfortable. She died less than two months later in hospital.
We spent as much time with her as possible, especially our two sons (13 & 11) who were her only grandchildren. This seemed to give her a lot of comfort.
Remember the good times. My lasting memory is the last meal we had together before she was admitted to hospital - a nice haddock supper from the local chippy!
We spent as much time with her as possible, especially our two sons (13 & 11) who were her only grandchildren. This seemed to give her a lot of comfort.
Remember the good times. My lasting memory is the last meal we had together before she was admitted to hospital - a nice haddock supper from the local chippy!
drivin_me_nuts said:
I worried constantly about cancer when my wife was I'll. It was there all the time and it was utterly relentless and unforgiving. I felt the worst guilt imaginable when she had a PEG fitted and I could eat and she could not. No, you are mot alone at all in your feeling and in many respects cancer is immensely isolating on those caring, watching and loving. You did a good thing for yourself in writing down your thoughts. I did to, I had to to survive... And you need to be proactive so that when this all comes to past and the present tense becomes the ache of the past tense, you still function as a complete human being. Talk, write.. do what ever you have to do to express your emotional state.
Such a hard journey but you are most definitely not alone.
I'll tell you what I've cried more today than in the last 2 yrs. Years ago I started a thread about using the word "gay", which I am and which to be honest I don't like, and got roundly battered for it. Today there have been some really useful messages and I have seen two friends parents die of cancer which they completely hid, they just disappeared. So thank u PH, I knew it wasn't just me going through this but I didn't know anyone else in "real" life who was going through the same things. I haven't cried all the time but just writing things down made me realise how much I was keeping inside.Such a hard journey but you are most definitely not alone.
duckers26 said:
I'll tell you what I've cried more today than in the last 2 yrs. Years ago I started a thread about using the word "gay", which I am and which to be honest I don't like, and got roundly battered for it. Today there have been some really useful messages and I have seen two friends parents die of cancer which they completely hid, they just disappeared. So thank u PH, I knew it wasn't just me going through this but I didn't know anyone else in "real" life who was going through the same things. I haven't cried all the time but just writing things down made me realise how much I was keeping inside.
Sorry to hear about your mum and dad mate and know how it feels, lost my mum to breast cancer and dad to cancer aswell. Also the mother in law, all this in the last 7 years 
I miss them like mad, not a day goes by where I don't wish i could pop round and just have a chat and a cuppa with them like we used to. Make the very most of everyday you have with your mum and dad.
Sorry for the crappy start, but as others have stated you are certainly not alone.
Sometimes the internet and a site like PH really proves its worth
its a good way of being able to write stuff down to vent your own anger, ask a question, seek advice, etc and often youu'll get some great replies, info you need and just abit of an internet shoulder to cry on.I cried at times, often randomn times both when my parents were still here and also after we'd lost them.
It's a toughie and only you can deal with it in your own way, but if it helps i even cried or shed a tear at times just randomnly driving down the motorway in the wagon! Emotions are funny things but just go with it, don't fight it and let it out.
I'll be honest it does get really hard at times, having to see your parents or anyone you love or care for deeply, fighting a losing battle is exceptionally hard but as much as you can, stay strong and be positive for them, never give up and fight it full on as hard as that might be at times.
It sounds like you have a great partner and family around you and this will really help, these are the people that will help pick you up when you are down, these people are really important and as time goes on you'll really see a different side maybe, to those people that matter around you.
I was lucky, my sister, my mrs, the kids and the rest of our smallish family were fantastic as were my friends all these people really helped me get through the last few years and i cherish them now more than ever. I found sometimes it was good to talk to 1 of my close mates outside of the family, just for a bit of a different perspective on things, it helped just occasionally getting out for the odd beer with a mate who knew what i was going through, would sit and listen, give advice or just be there to try and make me laugh.
Sadly you'll have some tough times ahead , but be as strong as you can for both yourself and your parents, don't bottle it up talk to those around you, some of which i'm sure will show a side and a strength that you didn't know they had.
I wish you and your parents all the best
I'm in a similar situation with my Dad, (now 78) diagnosed with Prostate cancer 3 years ago was initially treated, chemo/radio therapy, steroids etc but no impact and has spread to spine and other organs. We are now in the final weeks, he's been on a Macmillan ward for 10 weeks now and expecting "the call" any day now.
I have a relatively healthy Mom (83) and a sister but it's still very hard. My advise is if at all possible engage with Macmillan, they have been incredible in terms of their support for Dad and just as importantly Mom and the level of care on the Macmillan ward is amazing. Cannot praise them highly enough.
I have a relatively healthy Mom (83) and a sister but it's still very hard. My advise is if at all possible engage with Macmillan, they have been incredible in terms of their support for Dad and just as importantly Mom and the level of care on the Macmillan ward is amazing. Cannot praise them highly enough.
It's literally been all go today! My mum came round to drop my car off which she had borrowed as her was being serviced. We both told each other that we can't keep bottling stuff up, at some point (hopefully as far away as possible) we will deal with what needs to be done but we both need support. We just cried a bit together and let off some steam!
Talk to Macmillan. very, very helpful, very amazing charity.
http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Home.aspx
and
http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Ifso...
http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Home.aspx
and
http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Ifso...
OP
I know exactly what you are going through!
I lost my father to cancer 8 weeks 3 days ago
The last 8 months were the most difficult 8 months in my life from the day my father was diagnosed with cancer I felt my whole world had been torn apart.
My advice - spend as much time with your parents as you possibly can, do as much as you possibly can with and for them.
I took serious time out from work to attend every hospital appointment with my dad, I sat beside him during every single chemo session, took him to every radiotherapy appointment, every scan..... and sat beside both of my parents when the consultant told us that chemo and radiotherapy hadn't worked
My dad being up front asked the question - "how long have I got".
Without wishing to paint too bleak a picture for you. Be prepared! Speak to the Macmillan nurses about what to expect. I watched my father degenerate from a fit strong 70 year old to skin and bones Cancer is brutal, I fact it's a f
king evil disease
As time progressed on, he struggled with pain management and the Macmillan nurses got him admitted to a hospice, the day he was taken in was the day I was working away and had no phone signal
My father wanted to face everything head on, no beating about the bush, no secrets etc etc.
He had been in the hospice a week and I visited every day, one evening I visited him and he looked me in the eye and said to me "you know I'm not coming home again, promise me you will look after mother, she is well looked after financially but she is going to need looking after" naturally I reassured him that I would and so would my brother and sister and told him that he was tough, he would be around for a long while yet. He again looked me in the eye and said "I don't think I'm going to make it"
I tried my best to keep a brave face as I left that evening and fell apart in the reception area
We visited every day for weeks and weeks and watched him grow weaker and even more frail every day, he was a proud man who insisted that he would get out of bed to use the toilet, he refused point blank to use the bed pan or a bottle.
I was his appointed nursing auxiliary/ right hand man even if the nurse was in the room he would only let me take him to the toilet.
As time progressed on, more and more friends and family came to visit, he was a proud man and insisted on getting out of bed to shake the hands of visitors as they left seeing this broke my tears barrier every time
I remember the call at 3am one morning from the hospice, he had deteriorated quite badly and wanted me! fk! 3am in the morning, roads quiet..... nail it!
That morning will haunt me forever, Dad was waiting for me, he told me his last requests and wishes and asked that we didn't leave him alone and as mum arrived with my brother he held her hand and mumbled "I love you" and slipped into unconsciousness .
He remained sedated for 3 days, I camped out at the hospice from that morning onwards. And at 2am I had to make the call to my Mum, brother and sister, his breathing had deteriorated (I was dozing in a chair beside his bed and the change in his breathing awoke me)
Mum made it in plenty of time so did my brother, my sister didn't answer.
I held my fathers hand as he drew his last breath, and after what seemed like an age he exhaled - he was gone! but he was finally at peace! And pain free!
The hospice staff were amazing every step of the way, absolute angels, nothing was too much trouble and as well as looking after patients they looked after the families also!
OP what I'm going off track trying and trying to say is Face it Head On, be there every step of the way for your parents, every day and every step of the way is important.
If you ever want to talk to someone who has recently been through the wringer, fire me a PM
I know exactly what you are going through!
I lost my father to cancer 8 weeks 3 days ago
The last 8 months were the most difficult 8 months in my life from the day my father was diagnosed with cancer I felt my whole world had been torn apart.
My advice - spend as much time with your parents as you possibly can, do as much as you possibly can with and for them.
I took serious time out from work to attend every hospital appointment with my dad, I sat beside him during every single chemo session, took him to every radiotherapy appointment, every scan..... and sat beside both of my parents when the consultant told us that chemo and radiotherapy hadn't worked
My dad being up front asked the question - "how long have I got".
Without wishing to paint too bleak a picture for you. Be prepared! Speak to the Macmillan nurses about what to expect. I watched my father degenerate from a fit strong 70 year old to skin and bones
Cancer is brutal, I fact it's a fking evil diseaseAs time progressed on, he struggled with pain management and the Macmillan nurses got him admitted to a hospice, the day he was taken in was the day I was working away and had no phone signal
My father wanted to face everything head on, no beating about the bush, no secrets etc etc.
He had been in the hospice a week and I visited every day, one evening I visited him and he looked me in the eye and said to me "you know I'm not coming home again, promise me you will look after mother, she is well looked after financially but she is going to need looking after" naturally I reassured him that I would and so would my brother and sister and told him that he was tough, he would be around for a long while yet. He again looked me in the eye and said "I don't think I'm going to make it"
I tried my best to keep a brave face as I left that evening and fell apart in the reception area
We visited every day for weeks and weeks and watched him grow weaker and even more frail every day, he was a proud man who insisted that he would get out of bed to use the toilet, he refused point blank to use the bed pan or a bottle.
I was his appointed nursing auxiliary/ right hand man even if the nurse was in the room he would only let me take him to the toilet.
As time progressed on, more and more friends and family came to visit, he was a proud man and insisted on getting out of bed to shake the hands of visitors as they left seeing this broke my tears barrier every time
I remember the call at 3am one morning from the hospice, he had deteriorated quite badly and wanted me! f
k! 3am in the morning, roads quiet..... nail it!That morning will haunt me forever, Dad was waiting for me, he told me his last requests and wishes and asked that we didn't leave him alone and as mum arrived with my brother he held her hand and mumbled "I love you" and slipped into unconsciousness .
He remained sedated for 3 days, I camped out at the hospice from that morning onwards. And at 2am I had to make the call to my Mum, brother and sister, his breathing had deteriorated (I was dozing in a chair beside his bed and the change in his breathing awoke me)
Mum made it in plenty of time so did my brother, my sister didn't answer.
I held my fathers hand as he drew his last breath, and after what seemed like an age he exhaled - he was gone!
but he was finally at peace! And pain free!The hospice staff were amazing every step of the way, absolute angels, nothing was too much trouble and as well as looking after patients they looked after the families also!
OP what I'm going off track trying and trying to say is Face it Head On, be there every step of the way for your parents, every day and every step of the way is important.
If you ever want to talk to someone who has recently been through the wringer, fire me a PM
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