Post natal depression/depression
Discussion
Please no she is having an affair posts. She may well be I get that, not that she has had much chance for a physical one, 2 nights out without me on her mates in 4 months.
She said she has been unhappy and has been for some time. She seems to have erased all the good ti,mes. We got in a circle of doom I reckon from November time when I Started doubting she loves me and finally asked her the question'you are not in love with me any more are you? About a month ago. She hates confrontation (can't even remember an argument). Discord ends up with her walking away and me feeling rejected sometimes with a sarcastic comment.. So we had walking away and silence but basically confirmed she loved me but not in love with me. This has happened before but never got to this stage) over the past few years but I have been able to take myself out of the situation look at it from above and go give her a cuddle - make the first move. This time mentally i was not able to do it
We have a two and five year old, both with traumatic elements to a birth- she does not remember them as lovely experiences.
She is a cold fish keeps herself to herself and rarely lets her emotions show, other than when she smiles and lights up the room. Before this I have only seen her cry a couple of times. Now she sheds a few tears when she sees what she is doing to me.
She went back to work 18 months ago and loves it she has done so well and I am proud of her. She is happy at work and loves to go out with friends, actually becoming more of a party animal according to our friends. Most of her firends are our friends. Since this kicked off I have opened my heart and mind to everything and everyone including my inlawa, it has been quite a journey for me in understanding myself and why I react to things in the way I do.
She avoids talking about it at all costs. I told her yesterday that I have anxiety and depression through fighting for her for the last month and getting nothing back (which I do) she held my hand. I talked about it a bit and said I was worried about her as I see it in her too (i now know the face- i know if it there in the morning when she wakes up. I can see it happening in the day. I have been actively managing iher when I see it - space at the right time, letting her lie in, taking the kids away etc . She has not seen or noticed it
Her response. forcefully I am not depressed I just dont love you any more. It has not been the same since we had the children - well no s
t! I said well do you want to call it a day. Up to you? I have told her repeatedly I will never leave her, I love her/in love with her, proud of her, great mum etc. struggled to get a clear response. i asked her if she wanted a divorce and she nodded. I asked her if she was going to pack her bags she said no I love this house. I told her two years ago when her brother left her wife that whatever I could not make a decision to not wake up with my kids every morning however bad things were. She knows I am not going to run away.
When all this happened a month ago and one of our female friends picked me off the floor when I thought there was no hope and said this is not her. This could be PND or something similar, give it some time. Since then I have been reading loads about it which in itself led me to look at myself and I have subsequently been very open to what is happening to me and can talk about it.
For the last month I have been a performing seal, i do all the washing - this was always her excuse for not doung stuff with me or the kids,
Anyway a few pointer why I think this could be pnd/ depression
She says she is not depressed just unhappy
She is tired all the time, goes to bed often at 9 and can't get up in the morning. Said to me the other day there must be something wrong with me.
She went to the docs back in Jan and broke down in tears. Told doc wor was great it was her home life that was getting her downHe said it might be PND or anxiety and gave her a prescription for it and also a prescription for anxiety pills. She now takes the anxiety pills as a sticky plaster when things get bad.
She says she has not got depression just mild anxiety
Has told me things have never been the same since we had kids (well no st!)
She wont go back to the docs
She is usually such a logical girl. Not goi back to docs with what is going on defies logic
She is snappy with both me and the kids. On four occaisions on Friday when we were together for the whole day and I was managing her sad face she shouted at the youngest for nothing i just put my hand on her shoukder and extracted the youngest. She made my eldest cry twice for stuff kids just do.
I love time with my kids and am lucky that working from home I get to get them up dressed and to school most days. The wife helps a bit and is off Monday and Friday, but still I pick up a lot of the getting ready. Tues through thursday i pick my eldest up from school at 3.15 and the youngest from nursery feed them etc. weekends i take them out swimming on a Sunday, usually playground or inlaws on a Saturday often alone to give her some time.
She claims she never has me time and that I don't take over with the kids. This is frankly fin ridiculous. I balance a full time job while doing more with the kids in and out of home than her
She appears to sees mealtimes /bathtimes as a chore - i see them as playtime with the kids. I am always laughing and joking with them playing the fool. She just seems to get through it with the odd snap.
There are things in the past that could be a factor i suppose father leaving when she was 3 - she has not spoken to him since, not that close to her mother emotionally
She is irritable and snaps all the time
There are loads more I could add
My reason for posting is to ask if this could this be depression of some sort?
She thinks she is fine, just a bit of mild anxiety. She thinks that because she enjoys places other than home ishe is not depressed. I have told her that there is a lot at stake here and she should open her mind and talk to someone/anyone. She has not shared anything with any of her friends who are all worried about her and a few who have been with her have tried to engage her.
She has committed to counselling. I am interested to see if anything comes out...
I am now fine. My chess computer brain has been overheating running scenarios for the past month. The minute we agreed it was over i simply stopped shaking. I had the first full nights sleep in a month and feel like I am back to beer swilling, rugby playing, life and soul, invincible Matt.
Could go on all day with this post but will leave it there for now. Remember, no - she is having an affair walk away - not an option, the girls and the fact that whatever she does I still care about her. I am not angry and in fact I never ever get angry, I seem to be missing this emotion. Maybe one of the problems?
Anyway I will go through this in a bit and correct typos and spelling so apologies if it is a bit disjointed and rushed.
She said she has been unhappy and has been for some time. She seems to have erased all the good ti,mes. We got in a circle of doom I reckon from November time when I Started doubting she loves me and finally asked her the question'you are not in love with me any more are you? About a month ago. She hates confrontation (can't even remember an argument). Discord ends up with her walking away and me feeling rejected sometimes with a sarcastic comment.. So we had walking away and silence but basically confirmed she loved me but not in love with me. This has happened before but never got to this stage) over the past few years but I have been able to take myself out of the situation look at it from above and go give her a cuddle - make the first move. This time mentally i was not able to do it
We have a two and five year old, both with traumatic elements to a birth- she does not remember them as lovely experiences.
She is a cold fish keeps herself to herself and rarely lets her emotions show, other than when she smiles and lights up the room. Before this I have only seen her cry a couple of times. Now she sheds a few tears when she sees what she is doing to me.
She went back to work 18 months ago and loves it she has done so well and I am proud of her. She is happy at work and loves to go out with friends, actually becoming more of a party animal according to our friends. Most of her firends are our friends. Since this kicked off I have opened my heart and mind to everything and everyone including my inlawa, it has been quite a journey for me in understanding myself and why I react to things in the way I do.
She avoids talking about it at all costs. I told her yesterday that I have anxiety and depression through fighting for her for the last month and getting nothing back (which I do) she held my hand. I talked about it a bit and said I was worried about her as I see it in her too (i now know the face- i know if it there in the morning when she wakes up. I can see it happening in the day. I have been actively managing iher when I see it - space at the right time, letting her lie in, taking the kids away etc . She has not seen or noticed it
Her response. forcefully I am not depressed I just dont love you any more. It has not been the same since we had the children - well no s
t! I said well do you want to call it a day. Up to you? I have told her repeatedly I will never leave her, I love her/in love with her, proud of her, great mum etc. struggled to get a clear response. i asked her if she wanted a divorce and she nodded. I asked her if she was going to pack her bags she said no I love this house. I told her two years ago when her brother left her wife that whatever I could not make a decision to not wake up with my kids every morning however bad things were. She knows I am not going to run away.When all this happened a month ago and one of our female friends picked me off the floor when I thought there was no hope and said this is not her. This could be PND or something similar, give it some time. Since then I have been reading loads about it which in itself led me to look at myself and I have subsequently been very open to what is happening to me and can talk about it.
For the last month I have been a performing seal, i do all the washing - this was always her excuse for not doung stuff with me or the kids,
Anyway a few pointer why I think this could be pnd/ depression
She says she is not depressed just unhappy
She is tired all the time, goes to bed often at 9 and can't get up in the morning. Said to me the other day there must be something wrong with me.
She went to the docs back in Jan and broke down in tears. Told doc wor was great it was her home life that was getting her downHe said it might be PND or anxiety and gave her a prescription for it and also a prescription for anxiety pills. She now takes the anxiety pills as a sticky plaster when things get bad.
She says she has not got depression just mild anxiety
Has told me things have never been the same since we had kids (well no s
t!)She wont go back to the docs
She is usually such a logical girl. Not goi back to docs with what is going on defies logic
She is snappy with both me and the kids. On four occaisions on Friday when we were together for the whole day and I was managing her sad face she shouted at the youngest for nothing i just put my hand on her shoukder and extracted the youngest. She made my eldest cry twice for stuff kids just do.
I love time with my kids and am lucky that working from home I get to get them up dressed and to school most days. The wife helps a bit and is off Monday and Friday, but still I pick up a lot of the getting ready. Tues through thursday i pick my eldest up from school at 3.15 and the youngest from nursery feed them etc. weekends i take them out swimming on a Sunday, usually playground or inlaws on a Saturday often alone to give her some time.
She claims she never has me time and that I don't take over with the kids. This is frankly fin ridiculous. I balance a full time job while doing more with the kids in and out of home than her
She appears to sees mealtimes /bathtimes as a chore - i see them as playtime with the kids. I am always laughing and joking with them playing the fool. She just seems to get through it with the odd snap.
There are things in the past that could be a factor i suppose father leaving when she was 3 - she has not spoken to him since, not that close to her mother emotionally
She is irritable and snaps all the time
There are loads more I could add
My reason for posting is to ask if this could this be depression of some sort?
She thinks she is fine, just a bit of mild anxiety. She thinks that because she enjoys places other than home ishe is not depressed. I have told her that there is a lot at stake here and she should open her mind and talk to someone/anyone. She has not shared anything with any of her friends who are all worried about her and a few who have been with her have tried to engage her.
She has committed to counselling. I am interested to see if anything comes out...
I am now fine. My chess computer brain has been overheating running scenarios for the past month. The minute we agreed it was over i simply stopped shaking. I had the first full nights sleep in a month and feel like I am back to beer swilling, rugby playing, life and soul, invincible Matt.
Could go on all day with this post but will leave it there for now. Remember, no - she is having an affair walk away - not an option, the girls and the fact that whatever she does I still care about her. I am not angry and in fact I never ever get angry, I seem to be missing this emotion. Maybe one of the problems?
Anyway I will go through this in a bit and correct typos and spelling so apologies if it is a bit disjointed and rushed.
Edited by mattrosersv on Monday 28th March 10:33
Edited by mattrosersv on Monday 28th March 10:35
I'm sorry to hear about the situation you find yourself in. It can't be easy, you seem remarkably calm and collected about the whole thing.
As for advice on the diagnosis of depression, it is possible. The only slight issue is that anhedonia (a lack of enjoyment in things) which is a core symptom in those who have depression is rarely selective.
From your description, it's uncertain as to whether your partner is actually depressed, or wether it is her home life that's causing this. Really, we would need her perspective.
As for what you can do, if she won't go back to GP, then trial of medication seems unlikely, however counselling is a good first step, and may make her better able to isolate the cause for her apparent low mood. Which should help her deal with it.
I'm sorry that I can offer so little advice, perhaps someone who has been through something like this could offer more useful tips or tricks.
As for advice on the diagnosis of depression, it is possible. The only slight issue is that anhedonia (a lack of enjoyment in things) which is a core symptom in those who have depression is rarely selective.
From your description, it's uncertain as to whether your partner is actually depressed, or wether it is her home life that's causing this. Really, we would need her perspective.
As for what you can do, if she won't go back to GP, then trial of medication seems unlikely, however counselling is a good first step, and may make her better able to isolate the cause for her apparent low mood. Which should help her deal with it.
I'm sorry that I can offer so little advice, perhaps someone who has been through something like this could offer more useful tips or tricks.
Well on Monday I took the decision I have to let her go aa a wife and lover to keep her as a friend - tough!
I moved to the spare room as it hurts too much to lie at niht next to her. Neither of us are going anywhere.
So pressure off.
I have learned so much through this about myself and am dissapointed in myself that I fell below my own expectations as a man in terms of how I dealt with my marriage, ignoring the obvious for so long. I did not cherish my wife. Well I intend wholeheartedly to cherish and support her as a friend and mother of my children whatever has occurred.
Chapter closed, still going to counselling as she still finds it hard to talk to me supposedly for fear of upsetting me, however, she just won't let go herself. She only just mentioned we were having issues to her best and oldest friend on Monday. At the very least counselling will help us work on next steps - splitting finances, what happens when we go dating etc.
Nearly got through to her again last night - had best night in months glass of wine, made her laugh, joked about our situation all light hearted watched Modern Family which we both love. For the first time in as long as I can remember she would hold eye contact with me as we talked, it was lovely and I thanked her for a lovely evening. We tried to have a talk, me explaining I had let her go, she tries then gets a little emotional then shuts it down, locks it up and can't talk. I am very worried about her.
As for calm well, well it has been a tough month for sure and at times I have been a wreck and overthink everything - no sleep for 5 days as an example. As I said before my heart has been on my sleeve from start to finish. I have asked friends and family for help and have been provided with support in spades. We have come a long way in a month. Just tryngi to learn how to stop anxiety as it has bubbled up a few times, but I am getting there.
So there we have it. I am going to upgrade myself and get back to living life with the zest and enthusiasm, that has been missing for months and not compromise the high expectations i have of myself as a man and father. After that whatever will be will be.
Key takeaway - cherish the one you love
Looking forward to a new chapter of my life whatever that brings. Still sad but as each day passes it gets easier - and we are only on Wednesday
I moved to the spare room as it hurts too much to lie at niht next to her. Neither of us are going anywhere.
So pressure off.
I have learned so much through this about myself and am dissapointed in myself that I fell below my own expectations as a man in terms of how I dealt with my marriage, ignoring the obvious for so long. I did not cherish my wife. Well I intend wholeheartedly to cherish and support her as a friend and mother of my children whatever has occurred.
Chapter closed, still going to counselling as she still finds it hard to talk to me supposedly for fear of upsetting me, however, she just won't let go herself. She only just mentioned we were having issues to her best and oldest friend on Monday. At the very least counselling will help us work on next steps - splitting finances, what happens when we go dating etc.
Nearly got through to her again last night - had best night in months glass of wine, made her laugh, joked about our situation all light hearted watched Modern Family which we both love. For the first time in as long as I can remember she would hold eye contact with me as we talked, it was lovely and I thanked her for a lovely evening. We tried to have a talk, me explaining I had let her go, she tries then gets a little emotional then shuts it down, locks it up and can't talk. I am very worried about her.
As for calm well, well it has been a tough month for sure and at times I have been a wreck and overthink everything - no sleep for 5 days as an example. As I said before my heart has been on my sleeve from start to finish. I have asked friends and family for help and have been provided with support in spades. We have come a long way in a month. Just tryngi to learn how to stop anxiety as it has bubbled up a few times, but I am getting there.
So there we have it. I am going to upgrade myself and get back to living life with the zest and enthusiasm, that has been missing for months and not compromise the high expectations i have of myself as a man and father. After that whatever will be will be.
Key takeaway - cherish the one you love
Looking forward to a new chapter of my life whatever that brings. Still sad but as each day passes it gets easier - and we are only on Wednesday
Edited by mattrosersv on Wednesday 30th March 06:32
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