My Partner's mental health
Discussion
Does anybody else have a partner who suffers from mental health problems? If you do, how does it affect you, and how do you cope with it/manage the impact upon your family?
I've been with my (now) wife for 10 years. She's 31. When we met, she told me that she suffered from depression to some extent. Every few months she would have a few days when she was gripped by the 'black dog' but it would lift eventually.
After a while, however, those occasions grew more frequent, although not enough to raise any significant alarm bells - maybe once every three months for a few days at a time. I could still cope relatively easily with it and truth be told so could she - she held down a decent job and was really outgoing character. No reason in my mind not to create a future together.
Fast forward to now. She's struggling to cope. I mean really struggling, She's lost her job(s) and is functionally unable to work. She has been diagnosed with a combination of PTSD, Cyclothemia (a form of bipolar), general anxiety and OCD. She's had to give up work and has been struggling with suicidal feelings, to the extent that I had to have her hospitalised a few weeks ago because I feared for her safety. She was then put under the supervision of a psychiatric team in the local town and was responding brilliantly to treatment. Her overwhelming fear, however, was that they would abandon her at the point that she was feeling that the road ahead might offer some hope, They did that today - she's in despair.
We have no kids, so the situation doesn't have those complications. But I'm sitting here, watching the love of my life disintegrating mentally, and wondering how the hell our life can carry on like this. I suffered a major depressive episode last year and although I'm in far, far better mental health than I was 12 months ago, the stress of watching her go through this, and the impact upon our financial situation by having to live on my wage alone is causing the sort of warning symptoms that indicate the return of a stress/anxiety related mental illness on my part. But what do I do? Abandon my wife, who I absolutely adore, and in the process destroy her? Or do I stay on a sinking ship and potentially drown with her?
I can't really see an answer to be honest.
I've been with my (now) wife for 10 years. She's 31. When we met, she told me that she suffered from depression to some extent. Every few months she would have a few days when she was gripped by the 'black dog' but it would lift eventually.
After a while, however, those occasions grew more frequent, although not enough to raise any significant alarm bells - maybe once every three months for a few days at a time. I could still cope relatively easily with it and truth be told so could she - she held down a decent job and was really outgoing character. No reason in my mind not to create a future together.
Fast forward to now. She's struggling to cope. I mean really struggling, She's lost her job(s) and is functionally unable to work. She has been diagnosed with a combination of PTSD, Cyclothemia (a form of bipolar), general anxiety and OCD. She's had to give up work and has been struggling with suicidal feelings, to the extent that I had to have her hospitalised a few weeks ago because I feared for her safety. She was then put under the supervision of a psychiatric team in the local town and was responding brilliantly to treatment. Her overwhelming fear, however, was that they would abandon her at the point that she was feeling that the road ahead might offer some hope, They did that today - she's in despair.
We have no kids, so the situation doesn't have those complications. But I'm sitting here, watching the love of my life disintegrating mentally, and wondering how the hell our life can carry on like this. I suffered a major depressive episode last year and although I'm in far, far better mental health than I was 12 months ago, the stress of watching her go through this, and the impact upon our financial situation by having to live on my wage alone is causing the sort of warning symptoms that indicate the return of a stress/anxiety related mental illness on my part. But what do I do? Abandon my wife, who I absolutely adore, and in the process destroy her? Or do I stay on a sinking ship and potentially drown with her?
I can't really see an answer to be honest.
Joey Ramone said:
But what do I do? Abandon my wife, who I absolutely adore, and in the process destroy her? Or do I stay on a sinking ship and potentially drown with her?
I can't really see an answer to be honest.
If you really care about somebody, and you sound like you do, it is a very difficult place to be. There is a lot spoken about people with depression, but there is very little there by way of support for the people who are the partners of those that suffer with it.I can't really see an answer to be honest.
I went through a very dark period with my now wife a few years ago. Whilst not recognizing it at the time she went through a total breakdown driven by depression. It became almost impossible to live with, didn't know what was coming next. I won't go into all of the details, but it was not a happy period. I did reach the end of the road, where you sound like now. There was an incident that tipped it for me and I felt I had no choice but to put myself first. I told her that if things continued she would be dead within 6 months & I was not prepared to bury her, so she had to take getting help seriously or else I was gone. I was serious as I couldn't take any more, I felt I was banging my head against a brick wall. She would just not take getting help seriously, couldn't recognize when she needed it, didn't recognize what was happening. She woke up went for help, but that turned into a total disaster for various reasons, but it did seem to help a bit.
Since that time things were better but not altogether right. However about a year ago she had another lapse. I found somebody for her to talk to about it. At the time I wouldn't say it was a success, but it did seem to help a bit. However I now know that it was a success as recently she has taken of her own initiative to go back. She now recognizes the signs of when she is slipping back & seeks help, before she slips back.
Depression is an illness that cannot be cured, but if the person suffering can be helped to recognize the signs then they can get the support to help them through, before it gets too bad. But as with alcoholism they really need to want help, not somebody to justify their depression.
I'm sure some will take issue with what I'm saying, but it is my personal experience.
It will always be there, you will always live with a fear of a bad episode, you can't cure it. It is not easy & personally, I would not blame you for putting yourself first. You have one shot at life. I'm not giving you an answer because everyone will have a different answer; It can be lived with, but you cannot control the outcome of what you decide.
My wife has always suffered from depression in varying degrees; her dad suffered very badly too, he went off the rails somewhat, found God and has ended up buying his head in the church, married an awful God botherer and we don't see him anymore; anyway I digress.
We have been together since I was 15/16 and she was 16/17, I'm no 41 and she is 42, in the early days she was a complicated character, always trying to pick a fight and was quite possessive but I'm fairly laid back and I wouldn't let it affect me and I would also tell her when she was being unreasonable and it worked for us.
A few years ago she had some trust issues with the eldest; she needed her home in the evenings, not sure why but she needed to know that she was home and in bed; she would have been 19/20 at the time, the eldest is a bit of a liar and a bad one and can be selfish at times and a bit self centred; we didn't and still don't know where these trust issues surfaced from.
My eldest wasn't interested in helping and the more she was asked, the more she pulled away, my wife did make her life difficult at times but only because she wasn't doing as she was asked, other family members tried to intervene and to talk to her her but she was having none of it, in the end she disappeared for 6m and moved in with an absolute a
hole who had a very controlling mother, we knew where she was but there was no contact.
My daughter dissapearing threw my wife into major depression, she contemplated sucide a few times and a few times my dad had to come round whilst I was at work as she had locked herself in the house with the youngest (at the time about 14) and was refusing to let her out or anyone in.
Fortunately for my wife she has a fantastic Dr. (Grandson of the Dr. Barnado) who is very clued up with mental health, he was fantastic and she has pulled through it all, she is on medication and I think will be for a very long time and oddly she is a very chilled person now; there is the odd flash of anger but primarily she is quite chilled; probably the tablets.
My daughter reappeared and we all get on well now also there is a grandson now; not with the ahole,so I think this has helped my wife as now the kids are independent there is still a small person in the family that needs looking after so it gives her something to focus on.
During her bad stage she still worked, she actually has said to me that she forced herself to get up most mornings as she didn't want to just end up stuck in bed and wasting away, she knew that if she didn't get up every morning she would fall into a cycle of doing nothing, she said it was very hard to do so though.
I would say that we get on better now than we did in our earlier days, I still worry about her and worry about silly thinks like will she get the hump if I'm late home from work; she doesn't but it still sits at the back of my mind.
Unfortunately my eldest is showing signs of possible issues, she suffers badly from anxiety and has her moments but she has a supportive boyfriend and her mother in law suffers from depression; it is controlled by medication, so she is very supportive too as she understands.
Good luck OP,it is horrible, I've been there, hopefully it will get better, a very good and understanding Dr is a God send, let's hope you have one.
We have been together since I was 15/16 and she was 16/17, I'm no 41 and she is 42, in the early days she was a complicated character, always trying to pick a fight and was quite possessive but I'm fairly laid back and I wouldn't let it affect me and I would also tell her when she was being unreasonable and it worked for us.
A few years ago she had some trust issues with the eldest; she needed her home in the evenings, not sure why but she needed to know that she was home and in bed; she would have been 19/20 at the time, the eldest is a bit of a liar and a bad one and can be selfish at times and a bit self centred; we didn't and still don't know where these trust issues surfaced from.
My eldest wasn't interested in helping and the more she was asked, the more she pulled away, my wife did make her life difficult at times but only because she wasn't doing as she was asked, other family members tried to intervene and to talk to her her but she was having none of it, in the end she disappeared for 6m and moved in with an absolute a
hole who had a very controlling mother, we knew where she was but there was no contact. My daughter dissapearing threw my wife into major depression, she contemplated sucide a few times and a few times my dad had to come round whilst I was at work as she had locked herself in the house with the youngest (at the time about 14) and was refusing to let her out or anyone in.
Fortunately for my wife she has a fantastic Dr. (Grandson of the Dr. Barnado) who is very clued up with mental health, he was fantastic and she has pulled through it all, she is on medication and I think will be for a very long time and oddly she is a very chilled person now; there is the odd flash of anger but primarily she is quite chilled; probably the tablets.
My daughter reappeared and we all get on well now also there is a grandson now; not with the a
hole,so I think this has helped my wife as now the kids are independent there is still a small person in the family that needs looking after so it gives her something to focus on. During her bad stage she still worked, she actually has said to me that she forced herself to get up most mornings as she didn't want to just end up stuck in bed and wasting away, she knew that if she didn't get up every morning she would fall into a cycle of doing nothing, she said it was very hard to do so though.
I would say that we get on better now than we did in our earlier days, I still worry about her and worry about silly thinks like will she get the hump if I'm late home from work; she doesn't but it still sits at the back of my mind.
Unfortunately my eldest is showing signs of possible issues, she suffers badly from anxiety and has her moments but she has a supportive boyfriend and her mother in law suffers from depression; it is controlled by medication, so she is very supportive too as she understands.
Good luck OP,it is horrible, I've been there, hopefully it will get better, a very good and understanding Dr is a God send, let's hope you have one.
happychap said:
Sounds like your both in a very difficult place at the moment. What support do you need at present.
I don't know, to be honest. The worst thing is that I am beginning to present her. Resent her for not being the person that I married, for not being able to work and (and this sounds dreadful) for putting weight, due to the medication. And I resent most of all (again a disgustingly selfish perspective) the fact that she is afflicted by a condition that always wins. No matter the impact upon me, she will always be beyond reproach in others' eyes because it is she that is suffering, not me, if you get my drift. Therefore her behaviours are ultimately not her own, but a consequence of that affliction. I can only ever accommodate whatever new demand it places upon me, or our relationship, or our finances, I can never ever kick back.So in addition to ruining her life, it has turned me into a complete b
d.The NHS services around here are pretty rubbish. As I hinted at the outset, over the past decade or so she has been consistently misdiagnosed and pumped full of chemicals to tackle her depression when was really dictating her mental health was her PTSD. And yet after the recent hospitalisation, when they finally clued into this and assigned her to a mental health team who might be able to help, she has now, after three weeks, been cut loose without being remotely well enough to be abandoned in that fashion.
I work full time, I'm abroad a lot, and I often wonder whether my wife will still be alive when I get home at the end of the day. And no I can't change jobs. Mine is so specialised, and in such a narrow field that alternative employment opportunities are almost non-existent for someone like me. Certainly in terms of finding a job that would make things bettr (they let me work from home for two weeks after she was hospitalised, so that I could look after her. Not many employers like that out there).
I dunno, I'm just feeling sorry for myself and. I should be focussing my attention on her. But I'm not strong enough to do this for the rest of my life, that I know. And yet, as I stated before, to walk away would most probably kill her.
Joey Ramone said:
I don't know, to be honest. The worst thing is that I am beginning to present her. Resent her for not being the person that I married, for not being able to work and (and this sounds dreadful) for putting weight, due to the medication. And I resent most of all (again a disgustingly selfish perspective) the fact that she is afflicted by a condition that always wins. No matter the impact upon me, she will always be beyond reproach in others' eyes because it is she that is suffering, not me, if you get my drift. Therefore her behaviours are ultimately not her own, but a consequence of that affliction. I can only ever accommodate whatever new demand it places upon me, or our relationship, or our finances, I can never ever kick back.
So in addition to ruining her life, it has turned me into a complete bd.
The NHS services around here are pretty rubbish. As I hinted at the outset, over the past decade or so she has been consistently misdiagnosed and pumped full of chemicals to tackle her depression when was really dictating her mental health was her PTSD. And yet after the recent hospitalisation, when they finally clued into this and assigned her to a mental health team who might be able to help, she has now, after three weeks, been cut loose without being remotely well enough to be abandoned in that fashion.
I work full time, I'm abroad a lot, and I often wonder whether my wife will still be alive when I get home at the end of the day. And no I can't change jobs. Mine is so specialised, and in such a narrow field that alternative employment opportunities are almost non-existent for someone like me. Certainly in terms of finding a job that would make things bettr (they let me work from home for two weeks after she was hospitalised, so that I could look after her. Not many employers like that out there).
I dunno, I'm just feeling sorry for myself and. I should be focussing my attention on her. But I'm not strong enough to do this for the rest of my life, that I know. And yet, as I stated before, to walk away would most probably kill her.
I appreciate your honesty, I imagine disclosing those feelings must have been a challenge to actually put it out there rather than thinking it. I'm not sure how useful it is to give yourself a hard time. What support do you have available to you, not just practice but emotional.So in addition to ruining her life, it has turned me into a complete b
d.The NHS services around here are pretty rubbish. As I hinted at the outset, over the past decade or so she has been consistently misdiagnosed and pumped full of chemicals to tackle her depression when was really dictating her mental health was her PTSD. And yet after the recent hospitalisation, when they finally clued into this and assigned her to a mental health team who might be able to help, she has now, after three weeks, been cut loose without being remotely well enough to be abandoned in that fashion.
I work full time, I'm abroad a lot, and I often wonder whether my wife will still be alive when I get home at the end of the day. And no I can't change jobs. Mine is so specialised, and in such a narrow field that alternative employment opportunities are almost non-existent for someone like me. Certainly in terms of finding a job that would make things bettr (they let me work from home for two weeks after she was hospitalised, so that I could look after her. Not many employers like that out there).
I dunno, I'm just feeling sorry for myself and. I should be focussing my attention on her. But I'm not strong enough to do this for the rest of my life, that I know. And yet, as I stated before, to walk away would most probably kill her.
Joey Ramone said:
I don't know, to be honest. The worst thing is that I am beginning to resent her. Resent her for not being the person that I married, for not being able to work and (and this sounds dreadful) for putting weight, due to the medication. And I resent most of all (again a disgustingly selfish perspective) the fact that she is afflicted by a condition that always wins. No matter the impact upon me, she will always be beyond reproach in others' eyes because it is she that is suffering, not me, if you get my drift. Therefore her behaviours are ultimately not her own, but a consequence of that affliction. I can only ever accommodate whatever new demand it places upon me, or our relationship, or our finances, I can never ever kick back.
So in addition to ruining her life, it has turned me into a complete bd...
I dunno, I'm just feeling sorry for myself and. I should be focussing my attention on her. But I'm not strong enough to do this for the rest of my life, that I know. And yet, as I stated before, to walk away would most probably kill her.
I don't think that you should feel at all bad for having those feelings. It's your life and you are the most important person in it. In her life she is the most important person. If you are unhappy and unable to be yourself then you are of limited use to her anyway; you effectively become a carer rather than a partner.So in addition to ruining her life, it has turned me into a complete b
d...I dunno, I'm just feeling sorry for myself and. I should be focussing my attention on her. But I'm not strong enough to do this for the rest of my life, that I know. And yet, as I stated before, to walk away would most probably kill her.
In my opinion, you absolutely have to do what makes you happy otherwise you are sacrificing your life and your happiness to accommodate somebody who may never be able to appreciate your efforts or reciprocate in any way.
We spoke a little today
She looked me in the eye and told me that if this (current condition) were to establish itself as a permanent condition, then she would be the first to admit that the relationship would be untenable, and that we would separate.
Just can't believe that it has come to this, really. Having discussions like that before you sit down to Sunday lunch. Others have worse, obviously - terminal illnesses and such like, or a hurtful and disintegrating marriage with innocent children caught up in the middle of it all. We're just a couple who have each other, and that's all we wish for, yet it seems that 'life', in all its glory, is intent on spoiling the party.
She looked me in the eye and told me that if this (current condition) were to establish itself as a permanent condition, then she would be the first to admit that the relationship would be untenable, and that we would separate.
Just can't believe that it has come to this, really. Having discussions like that before you sit down to Sunday lunch. Others have worse, obviously - terminal illnesses and such like, or a hurtful and disintegrating marriage with innocent children caught up in the middle of it all. We're just a couple who have each other, and that's all we wish for, yet it seems that 'life', in all its glory, is intent on spoiling the party.
Joey Ramone said:
We spoke a little today
She looked me in the eye and told me that if this (current condition) were to establish itself as a permanent condition, then she would be the first to admit that the relationship would be untenable, and that we would separate.
Just can't believe that it has come to this, really. Having discussions like that before you sit down to Sunday lunch. Others have worse, obviously - terminal illnesses and such like, or a hurtful and disintegrating marriage with innocent children caught up in the middle of it all. We're just a couple who have each other, and that's all we wish for, yet it seems that 'life', in all its glory, is intent on spoiling the party.
I guess this situation hasn't developed overnight. Take a step back from making any decisions, you both need support to develope new strategies to cope. Private message me if you want to talk.She looked me in the eye and told me that if this (current condition) were to establish itself as a permanent condition, then she would be the first to admit that the relationship would be untenable, and that we would separate.
Just can't believe that it has come to this, really. Having discussions like that before you sit down to Sunday lunch. Others have worse, obviously - terminal illnesses and such like, or a hurtful and disintegrating marriage with innocent children caught up in the middle of it all. We're just a couple who have each other, and that's all we wish for, yet it seems that 'life', in all its glory, is intent on spoiling the party.
Mark
That's very kind of you, but I'm going to wait and see how things develop over the next three months. The NHS psychiatric team has taken her a fair way in a short time in addressing aspects of her PTSD. She was shocked and upset when they told her she was being discharged but I emphasised that she should perceive this as a positive - in the sense that they believe that she is now able to progress without their help provided she sticks to the formula that they have provided. That, and some private therapy over the next few months, should put her in a position towards Christmas where we know whether the future is essentially viable or not.
As for myself, I have a busy work period and four foreign trips coming up in the next few weeks, so plenty to focus on. While I'm away she has a good support network in the form of her nearby family and our immediate neighbours, who are good as gold at looking after her (they basically invite her to come and live with them to make sure she isn't lonely).
Time will tell, I think.
As for myself, I have a busy work period and four foreign trips coming up in the next few weeks, so plenty to focus on. While I'm away she has a good support network in the form of her nearby family and our immediate neighbours, who are good as gold at looking after her (they basically invite her to come and live with them to make sure she isn't lonely).
Time will tell, I think.
Joey Ramone said:
That's very kind of you, but I'm going to wait and see how things develop over the next three months. The NHS psychiatric team has taken her a fair way in a short time in addressing aspects of her PTSD. She was shocked and upset when they told her she was being discharged but I emphasised that she should perceive this as a positive - in the sense that they believe that she is now able to progress without their help provided she sticks to the formula that they have provided. That, and some private therapy over the next few months, should put her in a position towards Christmas where we know whether the future is essentially viable or not.
As for myself, I have a busy work period and four foreign trips coming up in the next few weeks, so plenty to focus on. While I'm away she has a good support network in the form of her nearby family and our immediate neighbours, who are good as gold at looking after her (they basically invite her to come and live with them to make sure she isn't lonely).
Time will tell, I think.
The offer is there should you wish to take it up. Out of interest, what was it like to put your thoughts on paper.As for myself, I have a busy work period and four foreign trips coming up in the next few weeks, so plenty to focus on. While I'm away she has a good support network in the form of her nearby family and our immediate neighbours, who are good as gold at looking after her (they basically invite her to come and live with them to make sure she isn't lonely).
Time will tell, I think.
Sorry to hear your both having tough times. I have no advice worthy of what has already been posted.
The only thing I can say is that after suffering a bit with varying forms of depression and mood swings over the last 2 years, there is no way I would have got through it without the support of my much better other half. Having the right person by your side, fighting your corner and understanding you really can help.
Hope things get better.
The only thing I can say is that after suffering a bit with varying forms of depression and mood swings over the last 2 years, there is no way I would have got through it without the support of my much better other half. Having the right person by your side, fighting your corner and understanding you really can help.
Hope things get better.
happychap said:
Out of interest, what was it like to put your thoughts on paper.
Not an issue. I don't really have a problem being open with this sort of thing, insofar that I don't feel embarrassed by discussing it. And it was simply an accurate and honest reflection of how I feel. And as I've been open about my feelings with my wife (if she read what I have written she would see nothing that we haven't already spoken about face to face) I feel no sense of indiscretion.Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff