How to tell someone with dementia their husband has died
Discussion
Has any one been through this, father in law passed away suddenly last week, mother in law has been moved back to the dementia care home, her short term memory is poor, and always bless her forgets what she has asked her already. Experts have said no right or wrong way to tell her or not to tell her. Funeral will be in 2 weeks so need to make some decisions soon, any help gratefully received at this awful time. She thinks he is still in hospital as he had a fall.
greygoose said:
This may sound callous but if she isn't going to remember and isn't going to the funeral then consider not telling her.
My father died after a fairly short illness, my grandfather (his father) was in a care home at the time and was suffering from dementia. We never told him his son had died, he didn't even know he was ill. He asked after him a few times as my Dad used to visit him regularly but we just gave him excuses. He died too, a matter of weeks after my Dad so he never knew that his son had died before him. Best thing possible for him as far as I'm concerned.brrapp said:
greygoose said:
This may sound callous but if she isn't going to remember and isn't going to the funeral then consider not telling her.
My father died after a fairly short illness, my grandfather (his father) was in a care home at the time and was suffering from dementia. We never told him his son had died, he didn't even know he was ill. He asked after him a few times as my Dad used to visit him regularly but we just gave him excuses. He died too, a matter of weeks after my Dad so he never knew that his son had died before him. Best thing possible for him as far as I'm concerned.
Mexican cuties said:
Has any one been through this, father in law passed away suddenly last week, mother in law has been moved back to the dementia care home, her short term memory is poor, and always bless her forgets what she has asked her already. Experts have said no right or wrong way to tell her or not to tell her. Funeral will be in 2 weeks so need to make some decisions soon, any help gratefully received at this awful time. She thinks he is still in hospital as he had a fall.
I'd keep up the hospital story, she'll only go through the grieving process repeatedly.I suppose the big question is do you believe she would gain any benefit from going to the funeral?
Mexican cuties said:
Thats the feedback we are getting, otherwise it seems to have to tell her over and over again, wondered if any one has been through exactly this
It never gets easier or better for them, if you can avoid that please do. My Uncle passed just as my Grandma lost her memory. Some days she would wake up and want to know where he was, some days she would wake up and remember he was gone. Some day she would remember at lunch, or when she saw me or my dad and they never got any better to deal with.
My mum has dementia.My dad died over 30 years ago.Somedays she thinks he's alive ,sometimes she thinks he's dead and sometimes she doesn't even remember him.
Her memory is in a permanent state of flux.I would say nothing and if she asks about him in the future just go along with whatever she thinks ie if her last memory is of him being in hospital say he's still there
Her memory is in a permanent state of flux.I would say nothing and if she asks about him in the future just go along with whatever she thinks ie if her last memory is of him being in hospital say he's still there
My Grandfather had severe dementia for quite a while and was in specialist care. Last year my grandmother (his wife) fell ill whilst on a cruise in Italy (nothing to do with the food) she was in hospital out there for a few weeks before being moved back to the UK, where she was immediately put back into hospital, one thing øed to another and she passed away. My grandfather was quite ill himself and to be honest I felt as though it wasn't going to be long for him. My family decided against telling him as he wouldn't be able to attend the funeral anyway. He passed away 6 months after my nan dies. This might sound cliche be after she had passed his condition just got worse and worse until he eventually stopped eating and his body really started to give up.
Spare her the agony, I think it's the kindest thing to do
Spare her the agony, I think it's the kindest thing to do
greygoose said:
This may sound callous but if she isn't going to remember and isn't going to the funeral then consider not telling her.
A mate of mine had to go through this some time ago with his mum - after a few visits of having to tell her her husband had died he ended up just telling her "he's visiting next time" or "he came to visit, but you were asleep" or something similar. Prevented a lot of heartache all round irocfan said:
greygoose said:
This may sound callous but if she isn't going to remember and isn't going to the funeral then consider not telling her.
A mate of mine had to go through this some time ago with his mum - after a few visits of having to tell her her husband had died he ended up just telling her "he's visiting next time" or "he came to visit, but you were asleep" or something similar. Prevented a lot of heartache all round makes you sad, and feel guilty for fibbing but it's better all round.
thankfully my MiL still has a great sense of humour, some of my wife's friends parents that have this horrid condition are nasty and aggressive.
oh and laugh at the funny things, otherwise you would constantly cry.
Bit of a differing opinion from others here but - tell her. Once, at least. I can't stomach the idea of keeping that a secret, and I wouldn't want that if it were me with dementia.
But then after that, follow the usual advice for communicating with someone with severe dementia - meet them where they're at, eg if asking when they're going home don't launch into how the care home is home now, stick with "you're just where you need to be for now" or "we'll sort that later" or "we're not going anywhere else today" or whatever. So if she asks for him, "he can't be here today" etc rather than re-breaking the news…
But then after that, follow the usual advice for communicating with someone with severe dementia - meet them where they're at, eg if asking when they're going home don't launch into how the care home is home now, stick with "you're just where you need to be for now" or "we'll sort that later" or "we're not going anywhere else today" or whatever. So if she asks for him, "he can't be here today" etc rather than re-breaking the news…
FlyingMeeces said:
Bit of a differing opinion from others here but - tell her. Once, at least. I can't stomach the idea of keeping that a secret, and I wouldn't want that if it were me with dementia.
But then after that, follow the usual advice for communicating with someone with severe dementia - meet them where they're at, eg if asking when they're going home don't launch into how the care home is home now, stick with "you're just where you need to be for now" or "we'll sort that later" or "we're not going anywhere else today" or whatever. So if she asks for him, "he can't be here today" etc rather than re-breaking the news…
This is what we've done. FIL died a couple of weeks ago, funeral is Monday. We told MIL, but know she won't remember or possibly even understand fully.But then after that, follow the usual advice for communicating with someone with severe dementia - meet them where they're at, eg if asking when they're going home don't launch into how the care home is home now, stick with "you're just where you need to be for now" or "we'll sort that later" or "we're not going anywhere else today" or whatever. So if she asks for him, "he can't be here today" etc rather than re-breaking the news…
We feel it was right to tell her, but not revisit the subject. She talks about the rest of her long dead family as if they are alive. We don't correct her as that would just be unfair.
I feel telling her once is the good middle ground.
Thank you all so much for your advice and experiences. Even the experts can't advise, not sure if just to tell her once and then if she asks 5 minutes later,dont tell her again, would have been 60 years together next year, funeral does not seem a fair or valid option, care home is amazing, but she has an appointment with memory clinic 3 days before funeral, so maybe we see what the update is, unless she is really getting distressed about where he is😥
What a crappy time and disease
Again thank you, any dementia carers have any advice
What a crappy time and disease
Again thank you, any dementia carers have any advice
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