Becoming a better conversationalist.
Discussion
Can anyone recommend any courses or methods I can take to become a better conversationalist? Perhaps in general but especially from a dating point of view - this aspect holds me back - I wasn't blessed with the gift of the gab unfortunately.
I do find conversation comes a fair bit easier after swallowing a couple of Scotches, and especially if my talking partner feeds good information, but if not I feel that most of my conversations revolve around superficial and perhaps repeated small-talk.
I do find conversation comes a fair bit easier after swallowing a couple of Scotches, and especially if my talking partner feeds good information, but if not I feel that most of my conversations revolve around superficial and perhaps repeated small-talk.
I don't think it's something that can be taught, rather you learn it over time. I was incredibly shy when I was younger, but I can happily stand up in front of several hundred people now or crack up a conversation with pretty much anyone.
Try and have a chat with anyone and everyone you come into contact with, from the dustbin man to the woman waiting next to you at the bar in a pub. It doesn't have to be anything special, just comment about the weather or how it always takes forever to get served. Once you're confident at speaking with strangers in a variety of situations, you'll suddenly wonder what you were ever worried about.
Try to learn a little bit about everything, a passing knowledge of sport, news, films etc will generally get you by in most situations. In a date situation you'll generally be looking for someone with similar interests, so if there's no common ground then you'll probably not need to worry too much. If you're both getting on it won't matter that you don't know about her favourite subject of Abyssinian pottery from the 12th century, in the same way she probably won't know too much about Italian sports cars from the mid eighties.
Finally, remember that in this country people are more afraid about public speaking than dying. You're not alone, most people shrivel up at the idea of speaking to someone they don't know, especially in a date situation. This is why there's a massive audience for programmes such as First Dates, it's something we all fear a little bit.
Try and have a chat with anyone and everyone you come into contact with, from the dustbin man to the woman waiting next to you at the bar in a pub. It doesn't have to be anything special, just comment about the weather or how it always takes forever to get served. Once you're confident at speaking with strangers in a variety of situations, you'll suddenly wonder what you were ever worried about.
Try to learn a little bit about everything, a passing knowledge of sport, news, films etc will generally get you by in most situations. In a date situation you'll generally be looking for someone with similar interests, so if there's no common ground then you'll probably not need to worry too much. If you're both getting on it won't matter that you don't know about her favourite subject of Abyssinian pottery from the 12th century, in the same way she probably won't know too much about Italian sports cars from the mid eighties.
Finally, remember that in this country people are more afraid about public speaking than dying. You're not alone, most people shrivel up at the idea of speaking to someone they don't know, especially in a date situation. This is why there's a massive audience for programmes such as First Dates, it's something we all fear a little bit.
Edited by Jonmx on Tuesday 14th March 16:38
A friend of mine goes to a toast masters meeting, I think they sit around eating burnt bits of dry bread...
Anyway, it has really helped him and to get out there and speak even though English is not his first language. Now back in France he has found an equivalent group there. If you fail to find one, have a look at the local uni, both my local places have toastmasters clubs, and I don't think you have to be a student to attend.
Anyway, it has really helped him and to get out there and speak even though English is not his first language. Now back in France he has found an equivalent group there. If you fail to find one, have a look at the local uni, both my local places have toastmasters clubs, and I don't think you have to be a student to attend.
Jonmx said:
Try and have a chat with anyone and everyone you come into contact with
All good advice - this specifically is the one that resonates with me - I am technically an extrovert and quite happy in presenting / standing up in front of large groups but have to try hard in 1:1 conversations with people I don't know enough about.Practice improves this and you can practice on strangers easily enough.
My other advice would be to worry less and just ask questions. People generally feel at ease talking about themselves. If you ask the right question, they will fill in the gaps.
OP: The opposite of what you describe is being a cocky b
d and on the whole, you'll find most people lean more towards your ilk than theirs.
As other have said, ask questions, listen more than you talk and if you have the opportunity to do so, swat up on what the other person likes before you meet them - not to exam taking levels but just enough to at least open and maintain a conversation flow for 5 mins.
There's a reason why cinema is a popular first date choice; it gives the couple a joint experience to talk about in the pub afterwards. After you've finished talking about the film you then say "so, what's your favourite film"....."favourite actor"......"did you ever see them in .....?"....."You know, you look a little like (name of film star)....."
Just get out there and find your form.
d and on the whole, you'll find most people lean more towards your ilk than theirs.As other have said, ask questions, listen more than you talk and if you have the opportunity to do so, swat up on what the other person likes before you meet them - not to exam taking levels but just enough to at least open and maintain a conversation flow for 5 mins.
There's a reason why cinema is a popular first date choice; it gives the couple a joint experience to talk about in the pub afterwards. After you've finished talking about the film you then say "so, what's your favourite film"....."favourite actor"......"did you ever see them in .....?"....."You know, you look a little like (name of film star)....."
Just get out there and find your form.
Animal said:
Use open questions too.
The key to which being; listen to the answers. Put your effort into listening, understanding, joining in, not waiting in the sidelines with the next question. The difference between Parkinson, who could run an entire inteview on two well aimed questions, and Jonathan Ross who has a list of questions he's going to read out whatever, happy to interrupt an intesting story with another unrelated question.Sir Lord Poopie said:
Hit me tonight how alone i am, really not good. I'm used to being alone as well. Asked a few ladies out recently and it non were interested. Even took one to the cinema.
A place where you sit in silence so hardly the best place to go an get to know someone. I also have moments (with some people) where my brain seems to fail me when it comes to standard run of the mill conversation stuff. It does irritate me so I'm interested to see what other suggestions people have.
Sir Lord Poopie said:
Hit me tonight how alone i am, really not good. I'm used to being alone as well. Asked a few ladies out recently and it non were interested. Even took one to the cinema.
When I was at uni I'd spend the holidays there, even though everyone else including my friends left. Like yourself, I felt rather lonely so I ended up popping down to the local pub with a newspaper during the day. I noticed there were loads of older guys sat by themselves, some with armed forces ties on, so at the bar I'd strike up a conversation with them, usually by commenting on the tie (I was looking at joining up at that point in my life). It then became part of my routine, an hour or so in the pub with the paper and chatting to these guys, a lot of whom were very lonely and appreciated a chat, if only for an hour or so. If you're lonely, you don't have to find a partner for company, a club, hobby or just popping to your local will provide the opportunity to create friendships and open new opportunities.In relation to the girls, the right one will come along. As many, many guys on here will tell you, the wrong one can come along far too quickly. I was rubbish (still am if I'm honest to myself) at talking to girls, let alone asking one out! Eventually though I met the right girl and things went on from there. Amusingly we'd met a couple of years earlier and she thought I was a bit dull because I hadn't really spoken to her at the time, and the reason I hadn't was because I was shy and didn't really know what to talk about. In hindsight I could have talked about anything and we would have got on just fine!
dai1983 said:
I dislike gob stes and generally find it hard to be interested in a lot of people/subjects. I've just accepted it as who I am but I also know it holds me back socially and in the work place.
I like this post and feel a lot of empathy with you. tes and generally find it hard to be interested in a lot of people/subjects. I've just accepted it as who I am but I also know it holds me back socially and in the work place. But I can't really be arsed to say anything.
OP, I understand where you're coming from as I am not the most talkative of people, and find it hard to start up conversations.
I found the best way to 'improve' was to push myself out of my comfort zone, so joined a couple of local sports/activity clubs as a way of getting out more often. I still found myself on the peripheral of any conversation, but over time was able to integrate a bit better (personally once I get to know people I find it easier to talk). It also helped that my boss at the time was really into helping everyone with their personal development (he was probably what you'd describe as a cocky bd, but in this instance he really helped me so can't complain), and so helped me push myself and get more involved in presentations, etc, at work to improve my confidence.
When it comes to meeting women, I'm sure the right one will be out there. Everyone is 'built' differently, so if you come across as a bit quiet then some women won't like that, but there will be plenty who do. When I initially met Mrs ZS we went for a few drinks down the pub, there were plenty of silent gaps in conversation and we both were a bit nervous, but persevered once we relaxed a bit it started to flow better.
I found the best way to 'improve' was to push myself out of my comfort zone, so joined a couple of local sports/activity clubs as a way of getting out more often. I still found myself on the peripheral of any conversation, but over time was able to integrate a bit better (personally once I get to know people I find it easier to talk). It also helped that my boss at the time was really into helping everyone with their personal development (he was probably what you'd describe as a cocky b
d, but in this instance he really helped me so can't complain), and so helped me push myself and get more involved in presentations, etc, at work to improve my confidence.When it comes to meeting women, I'm sure the right one will be out there. Everyone is 'built' differently, so if you come across as a bit quiet then some women won't like that, but there will be plenty who do. When I initially met Mrs ZS we went for a few drinks down the pub, there were plenty of silent gaps in conversation and we both were a bit nervous, but persevered once we relaxed a bit it started to flow better.
I understand how you feel, not particularly in talking to women (without bragging I'm comfortable with that) but general conversation I find a proper faff and draining, eg going for "dinner with friends" or whatever. My closer friends I'm fine with but it's the friends of friends stuff I don't like.
I'd suggest the following
- Avoid the booze initially. OK if it helps you loosen up a little but you should learn to be able to conversate without being under the influence.
- Try and get into some social situations, join clubs etc. This will help your mood and feelings in general
- As suggested if you have a date, go to a cinema or something first and then when you have dinner or whatever afterwards you have something to talk about at the very least
- Don't be afraid to talk about what you like, if that's cars don't be afraid to talk about that, obviously don't bore the poor lass, but for example my Mrs has no idea about cars but is quite happy to sit there and listen and occasionally chirp in when it comes to bits I'm doing on my car
- Try some self-confidence exercises, and remember, it's a date, not a job interview, be yourself, be comfortable even if you feel that it's not going to plan - So what - there are plenty of others out there. Sometimes you don't "click" with people.
- If you are talking try and ask open ended questions rather than "yes / no " type ones, of course this isn't always in your control as some people just answer yes / no anyway....
I'd suggest the following
- Avoid the booze initially. OK if it helps you loosen up a little but you should learn to be able to conversate without being under the influence.
- Try and get into some social situations, join clubs etc. This will help your mood and feelings in general
- As suggested if you have a date, go to a cinema or something first and then when you have dinner or whatever afterwards you have something to talk about at the very least
- Don't be afraid to talk about what you like, if that's cars don't be afraid to talk about that, obviously don't bore the poor lass, but for example my Mrs has no idea about cars but is quite happy to sit there and listen and occasionally chirp in when it comes to bits I'm doing on my car
- Try some self-confidence exercises, and remember, it's a date, not a job interview, be yourself, be comfortable even if you feel that it's not going to plan - So what - there are plenty of others out there. Sometimes you don't "click" with people.
- If you are talking try and ask open ended questions rather than "yes / no " type ones, of course this isn't always in your control as some people just answer yes / no anyway....
xjay1337 said:
I understand how you feel, not particularly in talking to women (without bragging I'm comfortable with that) but general conversation I find a proper faff and draining, eg going for "dinner with friends" or whatever. My closer friends I'm fine with but it's the friends of friends stuff I don't like.
Classic Introvert...and I don't mean in the shy way (I'm the same)Introverts can be very self confident, and still struggle in social situations. Its not shyness, its just creating a conversation out of thin air is difficult.
I'd rather spend hours in the company of one good friend that go to a party and meet lots of new people.
98elise said:
Classic Introvert...and I don't mean in the shy way (I'm the same)
Introverts can be very self confident, and still struggle in social situations. Its not shyness, its just creating a conversation out of thin air is difficult.
I'd rather spend hours in the company of one good friend that go to a party and meet lots of new people.
Yeah exactly! Introverts can be very self confident, and still struggle in social situations. Its not shyness, its just creating a conversation out of thin air is difficult.
I'd rather spend hours in the company of one good friend that go to a party and meet lots of new people.
I completely agree with you, I prefer to have company but with small amounts of people. If it's more than 2 or 3 people I get very uncomfortable very quickly, I'm sure it's the same for you.
The most I can manage is my partners family, if we go round for dinner it's her dad, his partner, her 3 sisters, one of her sisters boyfriends. As I see them quite often I'm more comfortable but in the beginning it was very very draining.
My Mrs wants us to go for dinner with her friend who got married recently and her other friend and her partner. I literally can't think of anything I'd rather do less, however, in relationships you have to compromise, so I have to just sit there and pretend to be interested. I hate pointless small talk with random people.
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