Getting help for somebody with depression
Discussion
Long story (fairly) short.
My mum has (primary progressive) Multiple Sclerosis - ie, getting steadily worse, no treatment, just some medication to try to minimise the symptoms. She's had it for 20 or 30 years. She doesn't deal with it well, she is a very highly strung personality. Always been subject to bursting into tears/outbursts of anger, etc.
My dad basically cares for her 24/7. I am 150 miles away with a family, and my brother, although local to them, has his own life too and can't spend all his time there. My dad is fantastic and just gets on with it despite all the crap he has to put up with (outbursts, tears, etc.).
Recently she has been knocked back a bit by illness and has not dealt with it well. Now pretty much permanently in a wheelchair, not doing her exercises so unlikely to get back on her feet etc. without help.
We are convinced that she is depressed - it would be hard not to be, let's face it, but she absolutely refuses to take any help for it. She absolutely loves to play the martyr but my concern is what it is doing to my dad. He tries to keep it hidden but it's pretty clear he is totally at the end of his tether.
I have no idea what I can do to help. I know there is no treatment but I wonder if she could get help for the depression then her quality of life would be improved. I think a big problem is her generally pessimistic outlook on life and no amount of pills/treatment etc, could alter that, but something that could help.
I have suggested hobbies etc. (she has never really seemed to have had any interests per se) but obviously she is not mobile, her vision is blurry so reading is not brilliant. I have suggested listening to music/talking books (she is in a family of musicians!) but she seems to have no interest. I think a big problem is that she has very little external stimulation - she doesn't really get out and so just sits at home needling my dad (who is stir crazy). I think she needs to talk to people (but I think she has had issues forming relationships since childhood)
tl;dr - suspect mum is depressed, combination of factors (illness, frustration, boredom, loneliness, pessimism - advice wanted on getting her to seek help!
Thanks in advance...
My mum has (primary progressive) Multiple Sclerosis - ie, getting steadily worse, no treatment, just some medication to try to minimise the symptoms. She's had it for 20 or 30 years. She doesn't deal with it well, she is a very highly strung personality. Always been subject to bursting into tears/outbursts of anger, etc.
My dad basically cares for her 24/7. I am 150 miles away with a family, and my brother, although local to them, has his own life too and can't spend all his time there. My dad is fantastic and just gets on with it despite all the crap he has to put up with (outbursts, tears, etc.).
Recently she has been knocked back a bit by illness and has not dealt with it well. Now pretty much permanently in a wheelchair, not doing her exercises so unlikely to get back on her feet etc. without help.
We are convinced that she is depressed - it would be hard not to be, let's face it, but she absolutely refuses to take any help for it. She absolutely loves to play the martyr but my concern is what it is doing to my dad. He tries to keep it hidden but it's pretty clear he is totally at the end of his tether.
I have no idea what I can do to help. I know there is no treatment but I wonder if she could get help for the depression then her quality of life would be improved. I think a big problem is her generally pessimistic outlook on life and no amount of pills/treatment etc, could alter that, but something that could help.
I have suggested hobbies etc. (she has never really seemed to have had any interests per se) but obviously she is not mobile, her vision is blurry so reading is not brilliant. I have suggested listening to music/talking books (she is in a family of musicians!) but she seems to have no interest. I think a big problem is that she has very little external stimulation - she doesn't really get out and so just sits at home needling my dad (who is stir crazy). I think she needs to talk to people (but I think she has had issues forming relationships since childhood)
tl;dr - suspect mum is depressed, combination of factors (illness, frustration, boredom, loneliness, pessimism - advice wanted on getting her to seek help!
Thanks in advance...
Sorry to hear.
It must be very tough for your dad too. Has he got enough support from the local authority in caring for your mum? Caring for someone 24/7 must be one of the hardest jobs there is.
https://www.mssociety.org.uk/ms-support/for-carers...
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/social-care-and-suppo...
Do you think they'd be able to get out and about, holiday etc? The MS Society has links to organisations that can help.
https://www.mssociety.org.uk/ms-support/practical-...
There might also be organisations operating on a local level which can help, days out etc
https://www.mssociety.org.uk/near-me
It must be very tough for your dad too. Has he got enough support from the local authority in caring for your mum? Caring for someone 24/7 must be one of the hardest jobs there is.
https://www.mssociety.org.uk/ms-support/for-carers...
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/social-care-and-suppo...
Do you think they'd be able to get out and about, holiday etc? The MS Society has links to organisations that can help.
https://www.mssociety.org.uk/ms-support/practical-...
There might also be organisations operating on a local level which can help, days out etc
https://www.mssociety.org.uk/near-me
Thanks for your response. My mum sees a nurse from the MS Society but they seem to think all she does is nod sympathetically. They've been through it for some time so I suspect nobody's got anything new to say. My suggestion is to get somebody in for a couple of mornings a week so my mum has somebody to talk to (she tends to make an effort with new people too), and my dad can escape and just go for a drive or sit in a cafe with a newspaper for an hour.
Their main focus of "doing something" is going on holidays. They have tried all sorts but mostly they "don't really work" - anything that isn't absolutely perfect is a disaster for my mum - the bed is too hard, the handle is in the wrong place in the disabled room, the forks are the wrong shape, etc. They bought a camper, got it fitted out at vast expense, my dad did further modifications, it didn't work, they sold it within a year. They have done cruises that didn't work. The best result was a coach tour company through the MS Society (iirc) which they are going to use again. Even then though, my mum ends up so stressed about everything it's not a holiday (not an MS thing, it was like that when we were kids!
).
I haven't been able to get them to come and stay with us for a couple of years - they parked the camper on our drive and stayed in that then! Hoping they can find a nice hotel somewhere localish - although that's not worked well in the past... Having got stuck on the M25 a couple of times she is absolutely convinced the journey will be a disaster...
Their main focus of "doing something" is going on holidays. They have tried all sorts but mostly they "don't really work" - anything that isn't absolutely perfect is a disaster for my mum - the bed is too hard, the handle is in the wrong place in the disabled room, the forks are the wrong shape, etc. They bought a camper, got it fitted out at vast expense, my dad did further modifications, it didn't work, they sold it within a year. They have done cruises that didn't work. The best result was a coach tour company through the MS Society (iirc) which they are going to use again. Even then though, my mum ends up so stressed about everything it's not a holiday (not an MS thing, it was like that when we were kids!
).I haven't been able to get them to come and stay with us for a couple of years - they parked the camper on our drive and stayed in that then! Hoping they can find a nice hotel somewhere localish - although that's not worked well in the past... Having got stuck on the M25 a couple of times she is absolutely convinced the journey will be a disaster...
My dad suffered with an aggressive form of MS for 25 years and for a fair amount of that time took anti depressants. One thing that I was never aware of was just how much the illness can affect people mentally. He used to get low due to his limitations, being unable to work, wheelchair bound since his 30s etc.
A friend of mine's mum also suffers MS and in terms of the physical element, it's been fairly slow but has affected her mind a lot more. To the point where it's almost like a dementia that she's suffering but has been assured it's the MS.
All I can say OP is try and get your mum to speak with the Dr, even if your dad has to try and push for it. Your mum may be depressed and/or the MS is affecting her mentality as well.
Either way, it's a tough situation, especially for your dad. All the best.
A friend of mine's mum also suffers MS and in terms of the physical element, it's been fairly slow but has affected her mind a lot more. To the point where it's almost like a dementia that she's suffering but has been assured it's the MS.
All I can say OP is try and get your mum to speak with the Dr, even if your dad has to try and push for it. Your mum may be depressed and/or the MS is affecting her mentality as well.
Either way, it's a tough situation, especially for your dad. All the best.
if mum is declining help and has retained capacity then that's about that really.
as carer though, dad has a statutory entitlement to have his needs as a carer assessed. step 1 is to contact the local authority and request a "carer's assessment". the duty to assess need is triggered by the knowledge of the potentially vulnerable adult on the patch (and carers are, by definition, potentially vulnerable).
the assessment looks at how caring affects the carer's life including their physical and mental well-being, what additional support may be needed, how caring impacts on their life/relationships etc etc.
paul
as carer though, dad has a statutory entitlement to have his needs as a carer assessed. step 1 is to contact the local authority and request a "carer's assessment". the duty to assess need is triggered by the knowledge of the potentially vulnerable adult on the patch (and carers are, by definition, potentially vulnerable).
the assessment looks at how caring affects the carer's life including their physical and mental well-being, what additional support may be needed, how caring impacts on their life/relationships etc etc.
paul
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