Another depression thread
Discussion
This isn't my usual log in, I've been a member here for over twelve years but need to put down in writing what is going on in my head. So I must apologise in advance for a rambling disjointed post. I know I'm not alone in dealing with mental illness.
Firstly, I've suffered from anxiety and depression for at least 11 years (triggered when I had so much work that I had some sort of breakdown but kept on working long days and carried on as normally as I could).
I have only ever had medication for it for a short (3 or 6 month) period back in 2013. I think I took citaloprom, which I didn't like taking as I couldn't sleep, my mind would race and it made me gain weight at an alarming rate.
The only people who know about my depression are my wife and my parents.
Recently, perhaps over the past 3 - 4 weeks I've become more and more down and now find myself sat at work blubbing. Yesterday I dissappeared on a spurious errand to get out of work for a couple of hours.
My problem is that when times are good and I should be happy I live my life in a state of panic dreading the phone ringing in case it's a problem.
I don't really enjoy anything in life, and am generally miserable, but now I have some bad times ahead I seem to be falling to bits.
I work in the family business, my parents are the owners and I'm the one running it more or less on a daily basis (been here 26 years but not an owner or director, but treat it and care as though I was) with my dad doing the quotes and working from home most of the time, and me dealing with running the jobs, ordering the materials and sorting the staff out.
(I think they've avoided giving me the business to run wary of the pressures it would put on me which is fair enough as I doubt I could cope).
However my dad is now unwell, he looks like he has aged 10 years in a couple of months, I think he has something terminal as he is frail, can hardly breath and walk, and has lost lots of weight as he is hardly eating.
I ring my dad just so I can speak to him while he's still around, I've always been his 'shadow' all my life. As a kid I would go on jobs with him, at 18 he said don't go to university, come work with him instead. We have for years gone on driving breaks together, we have always been a bit of a double act.
This week we (mum and I) finally got him to go to the doctors and the I've also taken him to the hospital for a chest x ray - but I suspect it is all too late. My dad is the kind of bloke who wouldn't let my mum phone for medical assistance when he had a heart attack ffs!
I know the mortality of our parents is something we all must face, but the combination of losing my dad / best mate / mentor / boss (and job as running the business is not something I can do on my own) is too much for me to process. If I was 'normal' I'm sure that I'd cope better.
I have two young kids and my wife recently left a decent job and got a part time admin role due to her job making her ill (depression also) so I have no option as far as I can see but to battle on as I have always done.
I cannot sleep. I cannot get to sleep, when I do I get 2 or 3 hours sleep and then wake again. As a result I have a splitting head ache most of the time, my mind won't switch off during the long hours off the night. I've avoided self medicating with alcohol as I don't want to go down that route for fear of dependency.
My wife and kids know I'm not in a good place so are treading on eggshells around me. I don't want them to be unhappy but I am really struggling to function as a husband, dad, son and employee.
I'm going to see my gp and ask for help if I can ever get an appointment, I've been trying for two days but haven't managed to get one yet.
I know I have to 'man up' and 'grow up' but the fact that getting out of bed and functioning has been a challenge for most of the past decade I'm finding everything more of a struggle than normal.
Thanks for reading, I just needed to share what's going on.
Firstly, I've suffered from anxiety and depression for at least 11 years (triggered when I had so much work that I had some sort of breakdown but kept on working long days and carried on as normally as I could).
I have only ever had medication for it for a short (3 or 6 month) period back in 2013. I think I took citaloprom, which I didn't like taking as I couldn't sleep, my mind would race and it made me gain weight at an alarming rate.
The only people who know about my depression are my wife and my parents.
Recently, perhaps over the past 3 - 4 weeks I've become more and more down and now find myself sat at work blubbing. Yesterday I dissappeared on a spurious errand to get out of work for a couple of hours.
My problem is that when times are good and I should be happy I live my life in a state of panic dreading the phone ringing in case it's a problem.
I don't really enjoy anything in life, and am generally miserable, but now I have some bad times ahead I seem to be falling to bits.
I work in the family business, my parents are the owners and I'm the one running it more or less on a daily basis (been here 26 years but not an owner or director, but treat it and care as though I was) with my dad doing the quotes and working from home most of the time, and me dealing with running the jobs, ordering the materials and sorting the staff out.
(I think they've avoided giving me the business to run wary of the pressures it would put on me which is fair enough as I doubt I could cope).
However my dad is now unwell, he looks like he has aged 10 years in a couple of months, I think he has something terminal as he is frail, can hardly breath and walk, and has lost lots of weight as he is hardly eating.
I ring my dad just so I can speak to him while he's still around, I've always been his 'shadow' all my life. As a kid I would go on jobs with him, at 18 he said don't go to university, come work with him instead. We have for years gone on driving breaks together, we have always been a bit of a double act.
This week we (mum and I) finally got him to go to the doctors and the I've also taken him to the hospital for a chest x ray - but I suspect it is all too late. My dad is the kind of bloke who wouldn't let my mum phone for medical assistance when he had a heart attack ffs!
I know the mortality of our parents is something we all must face, but the combination of losing my dad / best mate / mentor / boss (and job as running the business is not something I can do on my own) is too much for me to process. If I was 'normal' I'm sure that I'd cope better.
I have two young kids and my wife recently left a decent job and got a part time admin role due to her job making her ill (depression also) so I have no option as far as I can see but to battle on as I have always done.
I cannot sleep. I cannot get to sleep, when I do I get 2 or 3 hours sleep and then wake again. As a result I have a splitting head ache most of the time, my mind won't switch off during the long hours off the night. I've avoided self medicating with alcohol as I don't want to go down that route for fear of dependency.
My wife and kids know I'm not in a good place so are treading on eggshells around me. I don't want them to be unhappy but I am really struggling to function as a husband, dad, son and employee.
I'm going to see my gp and ask for help if I can ever get an appointment, I've been trying for two days but haven't managed to get one yet.
I know I have to 'man up' and 'grow up' but the fact that getting out of bed and functioning has been a challenge for most of the past decade I'm finding everything more of a struggle than normal.
Thanks for reading, I just needed to share what's going on.
Edited by notmyusualname on Thursday 11th January 13:02
Edited by notmyusualname on Thursday 11th January 13:05
Post in the depression thread, there are a lot of us who post in there who will understand your situation much better, and it can also be helpful to see other people feel similarly to yourself.
Also, at the stage of your career I'm going to assume you can probably afford to see someone privately, £100 a session perhaps. I'd suggest doing this as soon as possible, don't wait for the NHS. I'm willing to be it can be a challenge to motivate yourself to even make contact with someone for help, so maintaining that motivation for weeks whilst you battle and chase your GP is a lot less likely to have a positive outcome than if you can just contact somewhere privately, book an appointment and get on with it. Sad but true.
You are ill and you need help, it's not a weakness or a failing or a character flaw. If you were in a wheelchair you'd not think you'd be walking if you were a better person.
Talk about it, read other people's experiences of it, and try to exercise outdoors if possible, brisk walk, whatever you can manage.
Also, at the stage of your career I'm going to assume you can probably afford to see someone privately, £100 a session perhaps. I'd suggest doing this as soon as possible, don't wait for the NHS. I'm willing to be it can be a challenge to motivate yourself to even make contact with someone for help, so maintaining that motivation for weeks whilst you battle and chase your GP is a lot less likely to have a positive outcome than if you can just contact somewhere privately, book an appointment and get on with it. Sad but true.
You are ill and you need help, it's not a weakness or a failing or a character flaw. If you were in a wheelchair you'd not think you'd be walking if you were a better person.
Talk about it, read other people's experiences of it, and try to exercise outdoors if possible, brisk walk, whatever you can manage.
227bhp said:
Join in the depression thread with everyone else, there is lots of info in there to read with like minded souls and hopefully you'll come across as less of a woe is me attention seeker.
Sorry, not intended to be woe is me, but when looking at it now it does smack of self pity. It was a disjointed outpouring of stuff that's been going around in my head that I haven't told anyone. 
notmyusualname said:
227bhp said:
Join in the depression thread with everyone else, there is lots of info in there to read with like minded souls and hopefully you'll come across as less of a woe is me attention seeker.
Sorry, not intended to be woe is me, but when looking at it now it does smack of self pity. It was a disjointed outpouring of stuff that's been going around in my head that I haven't told anyone. Sit down and read it through, ask about the points you need clarification on. You're not on your own, but some self help is needed too.
If you feel really bad, try phoning Samaritans or MIND, or even walking into A+E and ask to speak with somebody from the mental health team.
I’ve been down many routes, NHS, private, emergency mental health crisis teams, there is help out there.
From my personal experience, if you can afford it, seek private support, you should be able to find somebody close to where you live and be seen pretty soon.
Best of health fella and well done for actually realising you need a bit of help or support.
I’ve been down many routes, NHS, private, emergency mental health crisis teams, there is help out there.
From my personal experience, if you can afford it, seek private support, you should be able to find somebody close to where you live and be seen pretty soon.
Best of health fella and well done for actually realising you need a bit of help or support.
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