Problems with Mum and OH
Discussion
Below is quite a long read but I thought it best to include things to give some background
TL/DR OH and Mum don’t get on due to Mum’s behaviour, OH doesn’t want Mum to see kids
I’m hoping someone can help me with some advice on a problem with my family. My OH and my Mum have never really gotten on, my Mum is an extrovert and my OH is the opposite so from the start there was a bit of a clash. Over the years my Mum has constantly ignored whatever myself or my OH says to her about our kids, for example if we went round to my Mum’s for tea, before our kids had finished their meal my Mum would have taken it away and given them desert even though my OH would tell her beforehand to please not do this. I’m sure there is a German word for it but my Mum has the sort of personality when they do stupid things to upset people and then claim they didn’t mean it for attention, for example was when we came back for Euro Disney and were round showing her the pictures of our kids meeting the characters, (our kids are very young so still believe they actually met Mickey, etc.) she said loudly “they must get awfully hot in those suits”. Our kids stopped playing and looked at her with a “what did she just say?” expression. I gave her a look of what the hell Mum and she just replied with “oh I’m sorry I didn’t realise”.
Even before this trip she had one my kids upset as she told them a exaggerated story of when I was younger and I got taken away by security at the airport for extra questioning (I wasn’t actually taken away I just had my rucksack emptied and searched which is pretty normal), being very young my kid was getting really scared by this. Again I asked her why she told them this and again she said she didn’t realise it would upset them. We invited her to one of my kid’s nursery nativity play, we told her not to bring anything as were the instructions from nursery. Sure enough on the day once the kids had finished singing their final song she rushed forward to the stage and handed my kid a big bag of sweeties, which a teacher than had to remove from my now upset kid as they were going from the hall back to the classroom. She told the same kid in the summer when they were getting ready to start primary school that they would probably be bullied as they were quite small, again she didn’t realise she was upsetting them she was just “trying to help”.
Every time we went round to her house with the kids, leaving was always made really tricky as she would produce some new toy/sweets just as we were getting the kids shoes/jackets on and of course the kids would be desperate to play with it/eat it. I kept telling her not to do this and it just upset them but she wouldn’t listen. I could go on and on with similar events like this, I just listed a few as I’m trying to show what she’s like. Each time what she’s doing is made out to be a mistake. Every time I tried to speak to her about how she was acting and how it was upsetting everyone she would just play the victim card and start crying saying she was trying to be a “good Granny”. It got to the stage when my OH just wouldn’t go round anymore as she couldn’t handle the stress, I was still taking the kids round myself about once a month.
She would keep telling me how much she wanted to see my kids more often but would then do things like take a holiday on the day of their birthday party so the kids were wondering why Granny wasn’t there. Things came to a head when my Dad (who is divorced from my Mum) returned from seeing one of my sisters who stays in France, my Mum had been out seeing that sister the month before. My Dad repeated to me and my OH all the nasty things my Mum had told my sister about how terrible my OH was as she wouldn’t let her see her grandkids even though she was still seeing them with me. My Mum has always struggled with the basic fact that my OH takes our kids round to see her own mum more often than I take them round to see my mum, as my OH doesn’t work full time like I do so my OH has more time. As you can imagine we were really angry (especially my OH) about what was said and were annoyed that my Mum can’t seem to accept any blame for her actions. As I result of this I didn’t see her for about two months.
She then contacted me and said she had had enough of not seeing her Grandkids so she was moving to France to retire and live near my sister that stays there (out of myself and other siblings this sister has always been my Mum’s favourite). My OH was pregnant and my Mum knew this but she chose a date that would mean she would just miss the birth rather than waiting an extra couple of weeks.
Once she left we bumped into a couple of my Mum’s work colleagues in the following weeks, I knew them a bit as well as I had met them whilst looking for work as they all worked in an employment agency. They both said my Mum had been going round telling everyone how terrible my OH was and how she was having to move to France as she couldn’t take not seeing her grandkids as often as she wanted to. As you can imagine this really made my OH angry knowing that my Mum had been bad mouthing her to everyone she seemed to know. Since then my OH considered her “dead to her” and didn’t want anything to do with her.
I’ve also had to deal with my kids getting upset that “Granny had left them” and them blaming themselves for her going, my eldest was sure it was because they once spilt juice on her sofa and this caused many tears. After being in France for about three months my Mum came back to the UK and wanted to see us all, my OH said she didn’t want the kids to be anywhere near her and we ended up having a big argument about it and no one saw her. About a year and half has passed since she left and since then the kids haven’t seen or talked to her. Every time I try and broach the subject with my OH of my Mum having contact with the kids again she just repeats some of the many stupid things she has done in the past to upset the kids and how she doesn’t want them to be upset again. Then she says why did she go on holiday when it was their birthdays? Why did she chose a date to leave to deliberately miss the birth of a grandchild? As well as the obvious one that if she really wanted to spend more time with her grandkids why did she move to another country? And then it just descends into a massive argument.
She contacted me recently saying she is coming back in December and feels she has been “punished enough” and would like to see the kids. I’ve not mentioned this yet to my OH as I know the answer will be no and it will just descend into another argument. This is what is making me really depressed and stressed, I know my Mum wasn’t the best when I was growing up but she was always there for me and I feel really bad that she hasn’t had any contact with the kids despite what she has done. I don’t know what to do regarding my OH, I was thinking of asking my Mum to write her a letter apologising for what she’d done but I’ve got a feeling my Mum would just write it in such a way to make out again she was the victim and she’s done nothing wrong. In other matters my OH and I work things out quite well but I just can’t seem to get her to change her mind on this at all, just for balance my OH gets on great with my Dad. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions on how I can fix this I would love to hear them as it is really getting me down.
TL/DR OH and Mum don’t get on due to Mum’s behaviour, OH doesn’t want Mum to see kids
I’m hoping someone can help me with some advice on a problem with my family. My OH and my Mum have never really gotten on, my Mum is an extrovert and my OH is the opposite so from the start there was a bit of a clash. Over the years my Mum has constantly ignored whatever myself or my OH says to her about our kids, for example if we went round to my Mum’s for tea, before our kids had finished their meal my Mum would have taken it away and given them desert even though my OH would tell her beforehand to please not do this. I’m sure there is a German word for it but my Mum has the sort of personality when they do stupid things to upset people and then claim they didn’t mean it for attention, for example was when we came back for Euro Disney and were round showing her the pictures of our kids meeting the characters, (our kids are very young so still believe they actually met Mickey, etc.) she said loudly “they must get awfully hot in those suits”. Our kids stopped playing and looked at her with a “what did she just say?” expression. I gave her a look of what the hell Mum and she just replied with “oh I’m sorry I didn’t realise”.
Even before this trip she had one my kids upset as she told them a exaggerated story of when I was younger and I got taken away by security at the airport for extra questioning (I wasn’t actually taken away I just had my rucksack emptied and searched which is pretty normal), being very young my kid was getting really scared by this. Again I asked her why she told them this and again she said she didn’t realise it would upset them. We invited her to one of my kid’s nursery nativity play, we told her not to bring anything as were the instructions from nursery. Sure enough on the day once the kids had finished singing their final song she rushed forward to the stage and handed my kid a big bag of sweeties, which a teacher than had to remove from my now upset kid as they were going from the hall back to the classroom. She told the same kid in the summer when they were getting ready to start primary school that they would probably be bullied as they were quite small, again she didn’t realise she was upsetting them she was just “trying to help”.
Every time we went round to her house with the kids, leaving was always made really tricky as she would produce some new toy/sweets just as we were getting the kids shoes/jackets on and of course the kids would be desperate to play with it/eat it. I kept telling her not to do this and it just upset them but she wouldn’t listen. I could go on and on with similar events like this, I just listed a few as I’m trying to show what she’s like. Each time what she’s doing is made out to be a mistake. Every time I tried to speak to her about how she was acting and how it was upsetting everyone she would just play the victim card and start crying saying she was trying to be a “good Granny”. It got to the stage when my OH just wouldn’t go round anymore as she couldn’t handle the stress, I was still taking the kids round myself about once a month.
She would keep telling me how much she wanted to see my kids more often but would then do things like take a holiday on the day of their birthday party so the kids were wondering why Granny wasn’t there. Things came to a head when my Dad (who is divorced from my Mum) returned from seeing one of my sisters who stays in France, my Mum had been out seeing that sister the month before. My Dad repeated to me and my OH all the nasty things my Mum had told my sister about how terrible my OH was as she wouldn’t let her see her grandkids even though she was still seeing them with me. My Mum has always struggled with the basic fact that my OH takes our kids round to see her own mum more often than I take them round to see my mum, as my OH doesn’t work full time like I do so my OH has more time. As you can imagine we were really angry (especially my OH) about what was said and were annoyed that my Mum can’t seem to accept any blame for her actions. As I result of this I didn’t see her for about two months.
She then contacted me and said she had had enough of not seeing her Grandkids so she was moving to France to retire and live near my sister that stays there (out of myself and other siblings this sister has always been my Mum’s favourite). My OH was pregnant and my Mum knew this but she chose a date that would mean she would just miss the birth rather than waiting an extra couple of weeks.
Once she left we bumped into a couple of my Mum’s work colleagues in the following weeks, I knew them a bit as well as I had met them whilst looking for work as they all worked in an employment agency. They both said my Mum had been going round telling everyone how terrible my OH was and how she was having to move to France as she couldn’t take not seeing her grandkids as often as she wanted to. As you can imagine this really made my OH angry knowing that my Mum had been bad mouthing her to everyone she seemed to know. Since then my OH considered her “dead to her” and didn’t want anything to do with her.
I’ve also had to deal with my kids getting upset that “Granny had left them” and them blaming themselves for her going, my eldest was sure it was because they once spilt juice on her sofa and this caused many tears. After being in France for about three months my Mum came back to the UK and wanted to see us all, my OH said she didn’t want the kids to be anywhere near her and we ended up having a big argument about it and no one saw her. About a year and half has passed since she left and since then the kids haven’t seen or talked to her. Every time I try and broach the subject with my OH of my Mum having contact with the kids again she just repeats some of the many stupid things she has done in the past to upset the kids and how she doesn’t want them to be upset again. Then she says why did she go on holiday when it was their birthdays? Why did she chose a date to leave to deliberately miss the birth of a grandchild? As well as the obvious one that if she really wanted to spend more time with her grandkids why did she move to another country? And then it just descends into a massive argument.
She contacted me recently saying she is coming back in December and feels she has been “punished enough” and would like to see the kids. I’ve not mentioned this yet to my OH as I know the answer will be no and it will just descend into another argument. This is what is making me really depressed and stressed, I know my Mum wasn’t the best when I was growing up but she was always there for me and I feel really bad that she hasn’t had any contact with the kids despite what she has done. I don’t know what to do regarding my OH, I was thinking of asking my Mum to write her a letter apologising for what she’d done but I’ve got a feeling my Mum would just write it in such a way to make out again she was the victim and she’s done nothing wrong. In other matters my OH and I work things out quite well but I just can’t seem to get her to change her mind on this at all, just for balance my OH gets on great with my Dad. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions on how I can fix this I would love to hear them as it is really getting me down.
This is normal isn't it?
I haven't seen my Mum since last Xmas, my wife has some issues with her that seem to have got worse since the kids came along. I just can't be doing with being the person trapped in the middle of it all. Kind of the opposite of your situation though in that my Mum shows very little interest in the kids and when we do visit seems very stressed out by it the whole time.
I think my Dad's death played a large part in it all, real shame he's not around anymore as I think it would be different story
I haven't seen my Mum since last Xmas, my wife has some issues with her that seem to have got worse since the kids came along. I just can't be doing with being the person trapped in the middle of it all. Kind of the opposite of your situation though in that my Mum shows very little interest in the kids and when we do visit seems very stressed out by it the whole time.
I think my Dad's death played a large part in it all, real shame he's not around anymore as I think it would be different story
Sounds like your mum is some sort of sociopath and can't be helped. I'd feel the same way as your Mrs does after all that to be completely honest with you. It's tough on you, but she really can't expect to behave the way she does/has and there not be any repercussions. For me, she's made her bed.
Oh dear, bit of a thorny issue....
You have some classic scenarios.
1) Grandparents generally like to fuss over their grandchildren - that can mean giving them treats when they shouldn't and generally spoiling them. I don't like it either but you won't change it. And bearing in mind it is only occasional, I would suggest you should mostly try and let it pass unremarked.
2) Sadly, some divorced people can't resist the opportunity to stick the boot into their previous partner. From your post, your dad was told some gossip and then has decided to repeat it to your OH. Regardless of what your mum actually said to your sister, your dad was unkind to repeat it.
3) New mothers can be understandably very protective of their children. But they can also be over-protective, over-sensitive and prickly. Maybe this at least partially describes your OH.
In general it sounds like your mum feels unappreciated and is probably secretly jealous of the relationship between your OH and her mum. This is likely to make her feel hurt, angry and upset and is probably why she is lashing out.
I suspect your mum felt like she had to tread on eggshells when in the company of your OH and that every little thing she said or did was "wrong". That would be very irritating, particularly bearing in mind your mum has already proved her parenting credentials by raising you!
In terms of fixing the problem, the first step is to explain to your mum some of the damage she has done. Does she know that her hurtful comments made to her ex-work colleagues found their way back to your OH?
At present your mum is likely to be feeling sorry for herself having being cut off from your side of the family. However, she needs to understand, criticising your OH isn't the way forward. (As an aside, you will need to be very careful not to ever mention the comments made by her to your sister. Exposing this breach in confidence will only cause more trouble).
You have some classic scenarios.
1) Grandparents generally like to fuss over their grandchildren - that can mean giving them treats when they shouldn't and generally spoiling them. I don't like it either but you won't change it. And bearing in mind it is only occasional, I would suggest you should mostly try and let it pass unremarked.
2) Sadly, some divorced people can't resist the opportunity to stick the boot into their previous partner. From your post, your dad was told some gossip and then has decided to repeat it to your OH. Regardless of what your mum actually said to your sister, your dad was unkind to repeat it.
3) New mothers can be understandably very protective of their children. But they can also be over-protective, over-sensitive and prickly. Maybe this at least partially describes your OH.
In general it sounds like your mum feels unappreciated and is probably secretly jealous of the relationship between your OH and her mum. This is likely to make her feel hurt, angry and upset and is probably why she is lashing out.
I suspect your mum felt like she had to tread on eggshells when in the company of your OH and that every little thing she said or did was "wrong". That would be very irritating, particularly bearing in mind your mum has already proved her parenting credentials by raising you!
In terms of fixing the problem, the first step is to explain to your mum some of the damage she has done. Does she know that her hurtful comments made to her ex-work colleagues found their way back to your OH?
At present your mum is likely to be feeling sorry for herself having being cut off from your side of the family. However, she needs to understand, criticising your OH isn't the way forward. (As an aside, you will need to be very careful not to ever mention the comments made by her to your sister. Exposing this breach in confidence will only cause more trouble).
As I see it your mum cut herself out! It seems to me your mum likes the attention so behaves that way so people feel sorry for her.
Your wife has a choice of ignoring what she has said/done or actually taking a stance. If I was your OH I would be the same. You may say the kids have no fault but if your mother was that fussed about the kids she wouldn’t have moved to France or would have behaved in a more conciliatory way. Sorry OP but your mum is getting what she deserves. I would not want my kids to see/be with someone that insulted me continuously and does not respect me.
Be careful as your mums ultimate goal could be the destruction of your marriage. Even if it doesn’t look like it you have already arguments/friction with your wife because of her. It’s hard but in your case you have to stick by your OH. Drop the line if insisting on the kids to see Granny. You go and see your mother and maybe with time she will change/apologise to your wife and then perhaps she will see her grandchildren. Knowing the type I doubt she will ever apologise... gets what she deserves.
Your wife has a choice of ignoring what she has said/done or actually taking a stance. If I was your OH I would be the same. You may say the kids have no fault but if your mother was that fussed about the kids she wouldn’t have moved to France or would have behaved in a more conciliatory way. Sorry OP but your mum is getting what she deserves. I would not want my kids to see/be with someone that insulted me continuously and does not respect me.
Be careful as your mums ultimate goal could be the destruction of your marriage. Even if it doesn’t look like it you have already arguments/friction with your wife because of her. It’s hard but in your case you have to stick by your OH. Drop the line if insisting on the kids to see Granny. You go and see your mother and maybe with time she will change/apologise to your wife and then perhaps she will see her grandchildren. Knowing the type I doubt she will ever apologise... gets what she deserves.
Unfortunately your OH is right.
We have no kids but my mother behaves in very similar way towards my OH.
It feels as if she is jealous of our relationship, always comes out with sarcastic comments towards the OH, never wrong, always right. Counts our money, but says shes not financially driven.
As soon as I try to talk to her she gets the tears, hurt, angry and upset card out!
All of the above now means they dont talk to each other and we rarely go to visit her, sad really.
We have no kids but my mother behaves in very similar way towards my OH.
It feels as if she is jealous of our relationship, always comes out with sarcastic comments towards the OH, never wrong, always right. Counts our money, but says shes not financially driven.
As soon as I try to talk to her she gets the tears, hurt, angry and upset card out!
All of the above now means they dont talk to each other and we rarely go to visit her, sad really.
Has it occurred to you that they are fighting over you?
Seen this pattern a few times - seems to be worse when mum in law is widowed or divorced/separated. Whether this makes her child more precious to her or that there isn't a man around to keep her behaviour in check may be up for debate.
From what you post you mum is t histrionic, insensitive and dysfunctional. Narcissistic personality is overused and a portmanteau term for attention seeking PIAs, but reading a bit about it might help you understand your mum.
I think your wife has realised the only way to keep sane and protect your kids is to withdraw from the field of play.
Seen this pattern a few times - seems to be worse when mum in law is widowed or divorced/separated. Whether this makes her child more precious to her or that there isn't a man around to keep her behaviour in check may be up for debate.
From what you post you mum is t histrionic, insensitive and dysfunctional. Narcissistic personality is overused and a portmanteau term for attention seeking PIAs, but reading a bit about it might help you understand your mum.
I think your wife has realised the only way to keep sane and protect your kids is to withdraw from the field of play.
Thanks for the replies everyone, they made interesting reading. To be completely honest if she wasn't my mum but just someone we knew I would totally agree with my OH and say she shouldn't be near our kids. But on the other hand I have the guilt as she is still my mum and she does seem to want to see the kids. I find her actions hard to understand in a logical way, she keeps saying she wants to see the kids but then does things like going on holiday on their birthdays, missing one of their births. The birth thing was quite typical of how my mum acts, when she told me what date she was moving on I told her you're going to miss the birth, she then said my OH had told her the wrong date. I asked my OH about this and she showed me the text she sent my mum with the correct date on it (it was a planned section due to medical reasons so we had a definite date).
I really think I need to get her to apologise to my OH for bad mouthing her to everyone, but as mentioned by other posters I can't mention what my dad told me so I will have just say we met some of your former colleagues??? I'm not sure how to word this to her, something along the lines of
"After you left we met various people you used to work with, all of them mentioned how much you had been blaming my OH for not being able to see the kids and forcing you to move. I'm very angry/upset about the thought of you being nasty about my OH to everybody behind our backs, I think you need to write her a letter of apology, in this letter please do not mention that I suggested you write it".
I'm hoping she will pay attention to the last bit, as I can see her writing the letter starting with "I was told this write this so I can see my grandkids", again playing the victim card.
The other angle I think which has caused the move is she has always wanted to move closer to that particular sister, a few years before she left for France that sister was staying in Japan and my mum was trying to persuade my step dad to move out there, he refused. I have the feeling she's used this not seeing the kids as excuse to force my step dad to move. My OH feels this too and it makes her angry thinking my mum has just used our kids as leverage to force my step dad's hand.
I really think I need to get her to apologise to my OH for bad mouthing her to everyone, but as mentioned by other posters I can't mention what my dad told me so I will have just say we met some of your former colleagues??? I'm not sure how to word this to her, something along the lines of
"After you left we met various people you used to work with, all of them mentioned how much you had been blaming my OH for not being able to see the kids and forcing you to move. I'm very angry/upset about the thought of you being nasty about my OH to everybody behind our backs, I think you need to write her a letter of apology, in this letter please do not mention that I suggested you write it".
I'm hoping she will pay attention to the last bit, as I can see her writing the letter starting with "I was told this write this so I can see my grandkids", again playing the victim card.
The other angle I think which has caused the move is she has always wanted to move closer to that particular sister, a few years before she left for France that sister was staying in Japan and my mum was trying to persuade my step dad to move out there, he refused. I have the feeling she's used this not seeing the kids as excuse to force my step dad to move. My OH feels this too and it makes her angry thinking my mum has just used our kids as leverage to force my step dad's hand.
Lenovo said:
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I really think I need to get her to apologise to my OH for bad mouthing her to everyone, but as mentioned by other posters I can't mention what my dad told me so I will have just say we met some of your former colleagues??? I'm not sure how to word this to her, something along the lines of
"After you left we met various people you used to work with, all of them mentioned how much you had been blaming my OH for not being able to see the kids and forcing you to move. I'm very angry/upset about the thought of you being nasty about my OH to everybody behind our backs, I think you need to write her a letter of apology, in this letter please do not mention that I suggested you write it".
If you say this, you will likely get the opposite result of what you are hoping for. I really think I need to get her to apologise to my OH for bad mouthing her to everyone, but as mentioned by other posters I can't mention what my dad told me so I will have just say we met some of your former colleagues??? I'm not sure how to word this to her, something along the lines of
"After you left we met various people you used to work with, all of them mentioned how much you had been blaming my OH for not being able to see the kids and forcing you to move. I'm very angry/upset about the thought of you being nasty about my OH to everybody behind our backs, I think you need to write her a letter of apology, in this letter please do not mention that I suggested you write it".
Firstly, it presumes everything you have been told is true - it might not be verbatim. You don't know the exact context, nuance and tone in which it was said - you are just assuming she is guilty. Plus you are disregarding the basis of your Mum's feelings which are causing her to react this way.
Your approach will just get a defensive reaction which won't help anyone.
Better to take a more gentle approach. Don't think to tell her the actions she should take to make amends - this is just patronising. Explain what has happened and how you are feeling. If you concentrate on explaining your feelings, you Mum won't be able to easily deflect.
If you are careful and considerate in how you speak to her, you will increase your chance of getting the right response (and the 'right' response is a more introspective assessment where she starts to feel a bit guilty and perhaps embarrassed for things she has said). If you can get to that point, you can then start to think how both sides can make amends. And I deliberately mean to say both sides, as to resolve this will take goodwill and humility from both your mum and your OH.
I have a different relationship with my mother, but my wife and particularly kids come first.
I'd be telling her she'd been a dick, you want her to have access to the kids but until she makes amends with your wife and takes your issues with how she is around the kids more seriously, then you've no interest in seeing her and she may as well stay in France.
And I'd mean it, which might be easier for me, but if anyone brought that much stress into our lives through their behaviour I'd want none of it. Worth saying that you have to handle this, she's taking it out on your wife, but you come as a pair now and she's your mother.
I'd be telling her she'd been a dick, you want her to have access to the kids but until she makes amends with your wife and takes your issues with how she is around the kids more seriously, then you've no interest in seeing her and she may as well stay in France.
And I'd mean it, which might be easier for me, but if anyone brought that much stress into our lives through their behaviour I'd want none of it. Worth saying that you have to handle this, she's taking it out on your wife, but you come as a pair now and she's your mother.
I don't know how to advise, other than your wife and children must be your first priority, and if you Mum wants to join the party, she should adhere to the house rules (I don't mean not being allowed a bit of grandparental spoiling).
Posts like this makes me realise how lucky I am with my Mum and Dad, but I also understand some of the points as my in-laws aren't completely easy. Fortunately my wife is good at managing them.
We're in the process of the Christmas discussion with them again as to why we visit my parents.
My parents do a full 4 day event orientated around the grandchildren (and adults) having fun. My in laws don't like Christmas, her sister hates Christmas. Her Sister and her parents don't really like each other. The celebration is mainly around them being allowed to start drinking at 11 rather than 12. They want to do lunch and us go home, they have a five bedroom house but choose to have no spare room... 3 hours travelling with a baby, one meal, and then strap the little one back in the car again.
Posts like this makes me realise how lucky I am with my Mum and Dad, but I also understand some of the points as my in-laws aren't completely easy. Fortunately my wife is good at managing them.
We're in the process of the Christmas discussion with them again as to why we visit my parents.
My parents do a full 4 day event orientated around the grandchildren (and adults) having fun. My in laws don't like Christmas, her sister hates Christmas. Her Sister and her parents don't really like each other. The celebration is mainly around them being allowed to start drinking at 11 rather than 12. They want to do lunch and us go home, they have a five bedroom house but choose to have no spare room... 3 hours travelling with a baby, one meal, and then strap the little one back in the car again.
I hardly ever respond to these mumsnet type of threads but here goes, just remember this is the why I see it and certainly doesn't mean everyone has to subscribe to this way of thinking...
When you start a family you take on certain responsibilities in my opinion and that includes putting your family and partner first. We had a few issues with both sets of parents initially. It seems to boil down to nothing more than the family dynamic changing drastically and not everyone being prepared for that.
Point 1. You can bring your family up as you see fit.
Point 2. You can only ask that others fit in with that.
If the two don't mix you can only compromise on the way you want things. You can't change the way people are if they don't want to change.
In our case, one grandparent eased off and stopped being over-baring, the other eased off and ended up having not much to do with the grandchild.
We wanted both to have great relationships with the children but unfortunately it meant the one who couldn't change their narcissistic behaviour has been pretty much cut out of their lives. No bad thing IMHO but upsetting for the child who has lost that part of their relationship.
On a positive, the more over-bearing grandparent has been an absolute godsend at times and has built up a wonderful relationship with the kid.
I make no bones about it however, to get to this point caused some pretty strong words from yours truly, with the potential to upsetting everyone. I don't apologise for that but it's my family and I'll have things my way with my own kids. Plenty of people have fulfilling childhoods and families without grandparents around so if they didn't like it I didn't see it as the worst thing in the world.
Obviously you can't micro-manage children, ours gets more treats off family members than they'd be allowed at home, when they're babysitting they do things that we don't always agree with but that's all beneficial to their learning as long as it isn't happening too often. They're simply learning that different things happen in different situations and environments-it's good for them!
But if it was making the adults in the situation unhappy then something would be done about it-its the adults that control the environment to create the best situation for the children to grow. If that means cutting out a grandparent then so be it. By the same margin if it means a discussion with your partner because you don't appreciate how she is dividing up the family that goes by the same measure.
One thing a lot of people sometimes forget is that kids get upset. It's normal, they're emotionally undeveloped so while seeing a child upset can be a challenge for a lot of people but the simple point is it is impossible to get a child through to adulthood without it crying. If tearing a family apart drastically reduces the upset then you might see that as a worthwhile sacrifice.
When you start a family you take on certain responsibilities in my opinion and that includes putting your family and partner first. We had a few issues with both sets of parents initially. It seems to boil down to nothing more than the family dynamic changing drastically and not everyone being prepared for that.
Point 1. You can bring your family up as you see fit.
Point 2. You can only ask that others fit in with that.
If the two don't mix you can only compromise on the way you want things. You can't change the way people are if they don't want to change.
In our case, one grandparent eased off and stopped being over-baring, the other eased off and ended up having not much to do with the grandchild.
We wanted both to have great relationships with the children but unfortunately it meant the one who couldn't change their narcissistic behaviour has been pretty much cut out of their lives. No bad thing IMHO but upsetting for the child who has lost that part of their relationship.
On a positive, the more over-bearing grandparent has been an absolute godsend at times and has built up a wonderful relationship with the kid.
I make no bones about it however, to get to this point caused some pretty strong words from yours truly, with the potential to upsetting everyone. I don't apologise for that but it's my family and I'll have things my way with my own kids. Plenty of people have fulfilling childhoods and families without grandparents around so if they didn't like it I didn't see it as the worst thing in the world.
Obviously you can't micro-manage children, ours gets more treats off family members than they'd be allowed at home, when they're babysitting they do things that we don't always agree with but that's all beneficial to their learning as long as it isn't happening too often. They're simply learning that different things happen in different situations and environments-it's good for them!
But if it was making the adults in the situation unhappy then something would be done about it-its the adults that control the environment to create the best situation for the children to grow. If that means cutting out a grandparent then so be it. By the same margin if it means a discussion with your partner because you don't appreciate how she is dividing up the family that goes by the same measure.
One thing a lot of people sometimes forget is that kids get upset. It's normal, they're emotionally undeveloped so while seeing a child upset can be a challenge for a lot of people but the simple point is it is impossible to get a child through to adulthood without it crying. If tearing a family apart drastically reduces the upset then you might see that as a worthwhile sacrifice.
Your mum sounds like one of those people who lack self awareness, she sounds very similar to a woman I used to work with. She'd walk into a room and drop several bombs then just walk out and was oblivious to the annoyance she'd caused others. Conversely she was extremely sensitive and easily upset herself. Not an easy person to deal with at all.
First thing I'd say is that you only ever get one mum, do her and your OH actually have to be in each other's company very much? I'd say this is just fairly normal family stuff, put the scenario to your other half whereby your son has a girlfriend in a few years time who she doesn't like and who doesn't particularly like her, how would she feel about your son thinking the easiest option is just to break off contact?
It's sad that she has lost contact with her grandchildren but as you say, maybe she chose to move to France?
I wouldn't write a letter, I'd try and speak to her and say you want her to be in contact with your kids.
First thing I'd say is that you only ever get one mum, do her and your OH actually have to be in each other's company very much? I'd say this is just fairly normal family stuff, put the scenario to your other half whereby your son has a girlfriend in a few years time who she doesn't like and who doesn't particularly like her, how would she feel about your son thinking the easiest option is just to break off contact?
It's sad that she has lost contact with her grandchildren but as you say, maybe she chose to move to France?
I wouldn't write a letter, I'd try and speak to her and say you want her to be in contact with your kids.
You mother is jealous of your wife.
The reason for this jealously is that your wife has replaced your mother and in her eyes, she is not the right person to have done so. It's unlikely that anybody would have been.
Most mothers have the same feelings - as do fathers about their daughters. But most also recognise this to be an unusful emotion and it goes away fairly quickly but not with all.
Until kids arrive, there is the hope that the relationship will fail and that the son will return to the fold but kids seal the deal on the permanence of the relationship and this can motivate some - like your mother - to act in the way that they do. Sadly, it's the kids that are used as the basis on which to fuel a division between you and your OH.
As twisted as it sounds, your Mum is (subconsciously, hence the denials) is trying to split you and your OH apart in the belief that you will return to her - with her grand children and the 'family is whole again'.
There will have been a trigger to cause your mother to act in the way she is. It's unlikely that you'll know what this is. Part of the resolution process (if this is what you want) would be to spend some regular and exclusive mother - son time together and chat about her past, work, etc. As these discussions unfold, you may well uncover something to which you can reply..."so is that why to act like you do with (OH)?". Dots will be connected. Tears will be shed. Resolution found.
It may not, of course and it may be that she is just wired that way. But despite everything, you appear to have a degree of respect and love for your Mum so exploring this all further will at least allow you to determine how you move forward.
The reason for this jealously is that your wife has replaced your mother and in her eyes, she is not the right person to have done so. It's unlikely that anybody would have been.
Most mothers have the same feelings - as do fathers about their daughters. But most also recognise this to be an unusful emotion and it goes away fairly quickly but not with all.
Until kids arrive, there is the hope that the relationship will fail and that the son will return to the fold but kids seal the deal on the permanence of the relationship and this can motivate some - like your mother - to act in the way that they do. Sadly, it's the kids that are used as the basis on which to fuel a division between you and your OH.
As twisted as it sounds, your Mum is (subconsciously, hence the denials) is trying to split you and your OH apart in the belief that you will return to her - with her grand children and the 'family is whole again'.
There will have been a trigger to cause your mother to act in the way she is. It's unlikely that you'll know what this is. Part of the resolution process (if this is what you want) would be to spend some regular and exclusive mother - son time together and chat about her past, work, etc. As these discussions unfold, you may well uncover something to which you can reply..."so is that why to act like you do with (OH)?". Dots will be connected. Tears will be shed. Resolution found.
It may not, of course and it may be that she is just wired that way. But despite everything, you appear to have a degree of respect and love for your Mum so exploring this all further will at least allow you to determine how you move forward.
Difficult one, but my view is that nothing dramatically wrong has happened and life is too short for this sort of thing.
I'm only playing devils advocate so don;t take this the wrong way... but I kind of see it from your mums view.
She's a grandma and seeing grand kids once a month is quite infrequent really. It's only natural that she wants to spoil them with sweets and toys and be there as much as possible as they grow up. Nothing wrong with that. Would you rather she was emotionless and thoughtless?
Sure, it's a shame she wasn't there on the birthday, but seriously, so what?! Is that really worth being annoyed about? My parents have been away on many of my families birthdays and births and nobody has ever cared.
... and so what if she gossiped. You're doing exactly the same on here right now and I'm sure you're wife hasn't kept her feelings to herself the entire time either.
You need to lead the charge in calming everyone down, getting everyone to take a step back and move on from it. Life is too short and you only have one family. Before you know it your parents will no longer be around so make the most of the time and let her spoil your kids. Let her be a grandma
I'm only playing devils advocate so don;t take this the wrong way... but I kind of see it from your mums view.
She's a grandma and seeing grand kids once a month is quite infrequent really. It's only natural that she wants to spoil them with sweets and toys and be there as much as possible as they grow up. Nothing wrong with that. Would you rather she was emotionless and thoughtless?
Sure, it's a shame she wasn't there on the birthday, but seriously, so what?! Is that really worth being annoyed about? My parents have been away on many of my families birthdays and births and nobody has ever cared.
... and so what if she gossiped. You're doing exactly the same on here right now and I'm sure you're wife hasn't kept her feelings to herself the entire time either.
You need to lead the charge in calming everyone down, getting everyone to take a step back and move on from it. Life is too short and you only have one family. Before you know it your parents will no longer be around so make the most of the time and let her spoil your kids. Let her be a grandma
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