am I what my name says?
Discussion
Sorry if this shouldnt be in health, but I've gone anonymous for obvious reasons, but now I'm not allowed to post in the lounge for 14 days!
Anyway, I'm just looking to see if this is me that has a personality disorder or not.
I had a good relationship with my father until he died suddenly a few years ago from cancer (too late to do anything other than keep him as pain free as we could), and I gave him a heartfelt eulogy, and I got really upset at his funeral.
Now my mum (81) has been diagnosed with a different cancer so we're starting through the long treatment period.
Now my relationship with my mum is different, we get on very well now, and I do a lot for her and with my two sisters we are supporting her through her treatment, doing what needs to be done etc.
The thing is, I had a terrible time with her when I was a teenager (it would be called child abuse these days, lots of physical and mental punishment) and it has taken me a long time to get comfortable with myself, but the memories can still set off a whole range of emotions (and I'm 56 FFS!).
As a consequence of this (I think), whereas my sisters are very upset about it all, I am very dispassionate about it, doing what needs to be done, being the dutiful son, talking her through her fears etc, but inside I'm just thinking, "It is what it is, get over it, get the treatment, and deal with it"
Am I f
ked up, disfunctional and a bad son, or is it my way of dealing with it?
I feel I should be upset, but I'm not, I've already said to my wife I don't want to do a eulogy if she does die, as I can't say I could do it without saying a few home truths, and I REALLY dont want to do that and cause family ructions.
Don't think I'm looking for answers, - although I'm sure I'll get some usual PH trolling, it's just not a xconversation I can have anywhere else, and needed to say it somewhere
Anyway, I'm just looking to see if this is me that has a personality disorder or not.
I had a good relationship with my father until he died suddenly a few years ago from cancer (too late to do anything other than keep him as pain free as we could), and I gave him a heartfelt eulogy, and I got really upset at his funeral.
Now my mum (81) has been diagnosed with a different cancer so we're starting through the long treatment period.
Now my relationship with my mum is different, we get on very well now, and I do a lot for her and with my two sisters we are supporting her through her treatment, doing what needs to be done etc.
The thing is, I had a terrible time with her when I was a teenager (it would be called child abuse these days, lots of physical and mental punishment) and it has taken me a long time to get comfortable with myself, but the memories can still set off a whole range of emotions (and I'm 56 FFS!).
As a consequence of this (I think), whereas my sisters are very upset about it all, I am very dispassionate about it, doing what needs to be done, being the dutiful son, talking her through her fears etc, but inside I'm just thinking, "It is what it is, get over it, get the treatment, and deal with it"
Am I f
ked up, disfunctional and a bad son, or is it my way of dealing with it?I feel I should be upset, but I'm not, I've already said to my wife I don't want to do a eulogy if she does die, as I can't say I could do it without saying a few home truths, and I REALLY dont want to do that and cause family ructions.
Don't think I'm looking for answers, - although I'm sure I'll get some usual PH trolling, it's just not a xconversation I can have anywhere else, and needed to say it somewhere
Wacky Racer said:
You say you get on very well now so that's good. People do change.
Why not just lie low on the day (when it happens) and keep any thoughts to yourself.
And no, you are not messed up, entirely understandable.
sadly lying low isnt possible, my family expect me to lead, as I'm the son. Why not just lie low on the day (when it happens) and keep any thoughts to yourself.
And no, you are not messed up, entirely understandable.
One of the issues as a teenager was that whatever happened in the family was my fault as I was the boy, it's just continued in that vein
I am constantly amazed at how many people I know who feel obligated towards their mum and dad, despite their parents giving them a dogs life. People I know, who would have been far better off being raised by fking wolves rather than the abusive, alcoholic, dysfunctional scumbags who dragged them up, run around like blue arsed flies after their elderly parents because "well, you only get one mum and dad".
fk 'em I say. Sometimes, 1 mum and dad is 1 too many.
king wolves rather than the abusive, alcoholic, dysfunctional scumbags who dragged them up, run around like blue arsed flies after their elderly parents because "well, you only get one mum and dad". f
k 'em I say. Sometimes, 1 mum and dad is 1 too many. I wonder this sometimes, as I too am fairly matter of fact about life, death and Ill health. It then I spent most of my life working in healthcare, so it’s normal to me and I’ve grown up internalising, rationalising and following processes. Take satisfaction from the knowledge that you are “the rock” your family needs right now.
My mum got on alright with her dad in later life, but she never really go over the fact that he buggered off and left her and her sister when she was a child (he ran off with another woman who had her own kids, he raised those kids and left his own).
When her mother died my mum took a long time to get over it, when her father died she was on holiday and I called her with the news. She was completely non-plussed and didn't bother going to the funeral. She didn't shed a tear for him, his abandonment hollowed out any emotional attachment they may have had. She isn't a sociopath by any stretch, in fact she's the most caring thoughtful person I have ever met.
When her mother died my mum took a long time to get over it, when her father died she was on holiday and I called her with the news. She was completely non-plussed and didn't bother going to the funeral. She didn't shed a tear for him, his abandonment hollowed out any emotional attachment they may have had. She isn't a sociopath by any stretch, in fact she's the most caring thoughtful person I have ever met.
TwigtheWonderkid said:
Some shared DNA is, on its own, not a good enough reason to care about someone.
Totally agree.I’m fortunate that I have, and always have had, a fabulous relationship with both my parents. They are now in their 80’s and I’m so happy to be there for them.
But I have a very strained relationship with my sister and shared DNA is definitely not enough.
I choose great friends over bad family every time.
They f**k you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were f**ked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were f**ked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
If the average person took a look at the diagnostic criteria for the plethora of personality disorders, most could identify with at least one trait or pattern of behaviour across a range of different disorders; yet not meeting enough for a diagnosis. More importantly, these traits and behaviours aren't pathological for most people, merely cognitive and affective elements they can relate to from their lives which have been either fleeting, occasional or an appropriate response to an event of magnitude.
In short, you're statistically and practically not likely to be a sociopath. OP, if you feel you may be one, or just different to everyone else, there's probably something going on. Perhaps you're dealing with some level of guilt over having a better relationship with one parent over the other?
Not saying you should feel guilty or any other feeling for that matter, but it's not uncommon when children are left with one parent to feel a bit out of sorts.
In short, you're statistically and practically not likely to be a sociopath. OP, if you feel you may be one, or just different to everyone else, there's probably something going on. Perhaps you're dealing with some level of guilt over having a better relationship with one parent over the other?
Not saying you should feel guilty or any other feeling for that matter, but it's not uncommon when children are left with one parent to feel a bit out of sorts.
sociopath said:
The thing is, I had a terrible time with her when I was a teenager (it would be called child abuse these days, lots of physical and mental punishment) and it has taken me a long time to get comfortable with myself, but the memories can still set off a whole range of emotions (and I'm 56 FFS!).
As a consequence of this (I think), whereas my sisters are very upset about it all, I am very dispassionate about it, doing what needs to be done, being the dutiful son, talking her through her fears etc, but inside I'm just thinking, "It is what it is, get over it, get the treatment, and deal with it"
Am I fked up, disfunctional and a bad son, or is it my way of dealing with it?
I feel I should be upset, but I'm not, I've already said to my wife I don't want to do a eulogy if she does die, as I can't say I could do it without saying a few home truths, and I REALLY dont want to do that and cause family ructions.
I don't think you are dysfunctional or a bad son. As a consequence of this (I think), whereas my sisters are very upset about it all, I am very dispassionate about it, doing what needs to be done, being the dutiful son, talking her through her fears etc, but inside I'm just thinking, "It is what it is, get over it, get the treatment, and deal with it"
Am I f
ked up, disfunctional and a bad son, or is it my way of dealing with it?I feel I should be upset, but I'm not, I've already said to my wife I don't want to do a eulogy if she does die, as I can't say I could do it without saying a few home truths, and I REALLY dont want to do that and cause family ructions.
There are two parts to this. Firstly, you could have an important role to help your sisters and other family members through what will be an upsetting time. This may require you to concentrate on their feeling, doing what you can to support them. Your instinct to try and not cause family ructions by being considerate and diplomatic is well founded.
The other more difficult aspect to address is your own feelings. I would suggest it is important to try and revisit what happened to you as a child. If you are able to talk it through in detail with your wife, she could be an ideal sounding board.
As a child we place our trust into our parents. If they breach or abuse that trust, it can cause deep seated feelings of resentment, anger and frustration that will cause ripples well into the future. Particularly when as an adult you are better placed to see clearly if you were treated unfairly by a trusted family member.
So try and accept that your emotions as being legitimate and not something to feel guilty about. Then try and examine carefully your experiences to see where the pain was caused - having a greater understanding of this may start to show the path to some solace.
As a comparison, if it makes you feel any better, I can't stand my dad. He and my mum are still together, in their late 70's, despite everyone telling mum she should leave him.
He never abused me or treated me badly from what I remember. But as I've grown older, I can now see him for what he is (made worse by dementia and hypochondria), which is a lazy, selfish, tight, self centred grumpy old man. He abuses my mum emotionally and verbally, treating her like a slave and has no regard for anyone other than himself.
I can't bear being in the same room as him which makes family gatherings awkward but I'm good at ignoring him without it bothering me too much. When he dies, which I hope for my mum's sake is soon, I won't be sad.
Not sure what that makes me?!
He never abused me or treated me badly from what I remember. But as I've grown older, I can now see him for what he is (made worse by dementia and hypochondria), which is a lazy, selfish, tight, self centred grumpy old man. He abuses my mum emotionally and verbally, treating her like a slave and has no regard for anyone other than himself.
I can't bear being in the same room as him which makes family gatherings awkward but I'm good at ignoring him without it bothering me too much. When he dies, which I hope for my mum's sake is soon, I won't be sad.
Not sure what that makes me?!
xx99xx said:
As a comparison, if it makes you feel any better, I can't stand my dad. He and my mum are still together, in their late 70's, despite everyone telling mum she should leave him.
He never abused me or treated me badly from what I remember. But as I've grown older, I can now see him for what he is (made worse by dementia and hypochondria), which is a lazy, selfish, tight, self centred grumpy old man. He abuses my mum emotionally and verbally, treating her like a slave and has no regard for anyone other than himself.
I can't bear being in the same room as him which makes family gatherings awkward but I'm good at ignoring him without it bothering me too much. When he dies, which I hope for my mum's sake is soon, I won't be sad.
Not sure what that makes me?!
You must be my half brother, that’s my old man you are talking about.He never abused me or treated me badly from what I remember. But as I've grown older, I can now see him for what he is (made worse by dementia and hypochondria), which is a lazy, selfish, tight, self centred grumpy old man. He abuses my mum emotionally and verbally, treating her like a slave and has no regard for anyone other than himself.
I can't bear being in the same room as him which makes family gatherings awkward but I'm good at ignoring him without it bothering me too much. When he dies, which I hope for my mum's sake is soon, I won't be sad.
Not sure what that makes me?!
I took a long time to get out of certain personality traits that became clear was due to the influence of my mother.
She was quite controlling. Silly things like never approving of things I wanted to do when I was young. SHe always insisted in blow drying my hair, styling it and spraying it with hairspray!
Buying all my clothes as a young teenager and never letting me follow the latest fashion (drainpipe jeans at the time ha) and would always have a 'what will others think' type of view.
As a result when in my late teens on I was very much a perfectionist with things that represented me - Obsessive about my car being totally unblemished (used to worry if it got a stonechip and sell it!) Worrying what others thought if I wasn't perfectly presented and worrying to the point of depression. I was never happy with anything or anyone and always found fault with things and with people.
I was never happy or content and had a very narrow band of what made me feel happy - mostly I was worried and anxious as nothing in life is perfect and that lead to heavy depression. I used to try to control everything. The worst thing was when one of my boys suffered a premature birth, had a bleed on the brain and now has cerebral palsy. I couldn't cope with life as I couldn't 'control things' and make him well or fix his problems.
It sounds trivial compared to others who have a torrid, abusive, violent upbringing but it still had an impact into my happiness. I got help from a shrink and was told I had a 'toxic parent'.
Anyway I got better and viewed life differently but went through a period in my 30's of being really irritated with her - both for what she was like with me as a child and those comments that still came out of her mouth then. I used to avoid going to see her and felt I didn't really love her that much.
She passed away about 5 years ago in my early 40's due to early onset dementia. I also found out that whilst I was a teenager that she was going through a hell of a time with her own worries. She also had a terrible menopause that really affected her personality too.
I found all this out off my father and I realised that sometimes people can have major issues of their own, keep them to themselves and effectively implode.
Now I'm full of regret for not finding out more about her, for not making an effort to care for her when she was suffering from dementia (apart from helping out for my fathers sake rather than through love for her)
I guess I'm saying that everyone has their demons and maybe your mothers style of upbringing was influenced by other stuff. To to forgive and forget and take her for what she is now and try to cherish what time you have with her. It's one big regret I have in life as I feel like I never truly loved my mum!
She was quite controlling. Silly things like never approving of things I wanted to do when I was young. SHe always insisted in blow drying my hair, styling it and spraying it with hairspray!
Buying all my clothes as a young teenager and never letting me follow the latest fashion (drainpipe jeans at the time ha) and would always have a 'what will others think' type of view.
As a result when in my late teens on I was very much a perfectionist with things that represented me - Obsessive about my car being totally unblemished (used to worry if it got a stonechip and sell it!) Worrying what others thought if I wasn't perfectly presented and worrying to the point of depression. I was never happy with anything or anyone and always found fault with things and with people.
I was never happy or content and had a very narrow band of what made me feel happy - mostly I was worried and anxious as nothing in life is perfect and that lead to heavy depression. I used to try to control everything. The worst thing was when one of my boys suffered a premature birth, had a bleed on the brain and now has cerebral palsy. I couldn't cope with life as I couldn't 'control things' and make him well or fix his problems.
It sounds trivial compared to others who have a torrid, abusive, violent upbringing but it still had an impact into my happiness. I got help from a shrink and was told I had a 'toxic parent'.
Anyway I got better and viewed life differently but went through a period in my 30's of being really irritated with her - both for what she was like with me as a child and those comments that still came out of her mouth then. I used to avoid going to see her and felt I didn't really love her that much.
She passed away about 5 years ago in my early 40's due to early onset dementia. I also found out that whilst I was a teenager that she was going through a hell of a time with her own worries. She also had a terrible menopause that really affected her personality too.
I found all this out off my father and I realised that sometimes people can have major issues of their own, keep them to themselves and effectively implode.
Now I'm full of regret for not finding out more about her, for not making an effort to care for her when she was suffering from dementia (apart from helping out for my fathers sake rather than through love for her)
I guess I'm saying that everyone has their demons and maybe your mothers style of upbringing was influenced by other stuff. To to forgive and forget and take her for what she is now and try to cherish what time you have with her. It's one big regret I have in life as I feel like I never truly loved my mum!
Edited by anonymous-user on Friday 26th October 04:47
OP you sound conflicted between your relationship with your mother now compared to the memories you have of how things were in your childhood which certainly isn't a simple thing, but definitely doesn't mean you're a sociopath.
You sound like you feel guilty about not seeming to be experiencing emotions to the same degree as your sisters but people show emotion differently, just because their's appears simpler or stronger than yours doesnt mean that the way yout are feeling can be reduced down to a personality disorder. You sound pretty emotionally aware, particularly if you seeing those around you displaying feelings that appear stronger than yours when you're very conflicted about such clear one sidedness being shown about their character. Your mum being terminally ill must add a huge degree of pressure to you mentally and it sounds like you're blaming yourself for not being able to resolve it simply and instantly.
You sound like you feel guilty about not seeming to be experiencing emotions to the same degree as your sisters but people show emotion differently, just because their's appears simpler or stronger than yours doesnt mean that the way yout are feeling can be reduced down to a personality disorder. You sound pretty emotionally aware, particularly if you seeing those around you displaying feelings that appear stronger than yours when you're very conflicted about such clear one sidedness being shown about their character. Your mum being terminally ill must add a huge degree of pressure to you mentally and it sounds like you're blaming yourself for not being able to resolve it simply and instantly.
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