My son is suffering at school and I don't know how to help.
Discussion
I’m a regular poster here but want to remain anonymous, hence the new moniker.
My 12 year old son is struggling with separation anxiety, confidence and friendships. I don’t know how to help him.
He is bright, gets good grades and is well thought of by his school. He is also probably the most genuine, caring and nice person I know. He has no side or pretence. Of my children, he is by far the most pleasant.
He was a timid small child but as he has grown up he has become more confident and has made friends. But late in year 7 his friends turned against him and started bullying him somewhat. My suspicion is that it was just THAT age where boys start vying for social position. He was the “softest” of the bunch and an ideal target.
At the end of year 7 I went to the school fair and was devastated to watch my son with his peers, who seemed to almost ignore him. He would speak to people and they seemingly didn’t hear him or acknowledge him.
We told the school about the bulling and this year he is in a “better” class, where people are pleasant to him but there are no children he considers friends. We have also started seeing a clinical psychologist but thus far she is making little impact. She at first though the entire problem was caused by the bullying, but it goes far deeper I think.
What is really worrying me is that I was exactly the same as a child, and I am concerned that I’ve passed it on to him. I felt totally overwhelmed at school and left early because of it, went to college and dropped out because of it, and then went into a series of crappy jobs as a result of a poor education. I didn’t really start to straighten myself out until about 30 and even today I don’t think I integrate with society well. I find it hard to sustain long-term friendships (though I DO have friends) and have lifelong had problems with self-esteem.
I don’t want my son to change, or become hard in order to cope, because he is such a genuine, kind and loving boy. But right now it’s destroying me seeing him suffer.
Any ideas appreciated.
My 12 year old son is struggling with separation anxiety, confidence and friendships. I don’t know how to help him.
He is bright, gets good grades and is well thought of by his school. He is also probably the most genuine, caring and nice person I know. He has no side or pretence. Of my children, he is by far the most pleasant.
He was a timid small child but as he has grown up he has become more confident and has made friends. But late in year 7 his friends turned against him and started bullying him somewhat. My suspicion is that it was just THAT age where boys start vying for social position. He was the “softest” of the bunch and an ideal target.
At the end of year 7 I went to the school fair and was devastated to watch my son with his peers, who seemed to almost ignore him. He would speak to people and they seemingly didn’t hear him or acknowledge him.
We told the school about the bulling and this year he is in a “better” class, where people are pleasant to him but there are no children he considers friends. We have also started seeing a clinical psychologist but thus far she is making little impact. She at first though the entire problem was caused by the bullying, but it goes far deeper I think.
What is really worrying me is that I was exactly the same as a child, and I am concerned that I’ve passed it on to him. I felt totally overwhelmed at school and left early because of it, went to college and dropped out because of it, and then went into a series of crappy jobs as a result of a poor education. I didn’t really start to straighten myself out until about 30 and even today I don’t think I integrate with society well. I find it hard to sustain long-term friendships (though I DO have friends) and have lifelong had problems with self-esteem.
I don’t want my son to change, or become hard in order to cope, because he is such a genuine, kind and loving boy. But right now it’s destroying me seeing him suffer.
Any ideas appreciated.
School is a harsh place for some kids unfortunately. Both mine have suffered (to a much less extent than yours), what has helped them build confidence, resilience, and toughness is sport.
Both mine play for teams outside school (giving them good friendships and thus confidence) and the school team.
However I appreciate this is not the answer for every child. I wish you luck.
Both mine play for teams outside school (giving them good friendships and thus confidence) and the school team.
However I appreciate this is not the answer for every child. I wish you luck.
I cant really offer any help but feel your pain. My son is 6 and i can see through a few upheavals at school he has started the year with no close friends and can see it's hard.
The only thing i will offer is that however hard it is right now, he is learning about social interaction. He may be learning the hard way but I'm sure he will build from this point.
I dont think there's much you can do, maybe offer to take him to some clubs for sports or hobbies where he will meet new friends. Sometimes the group of friends you start school with are not the group you leave with. Somewhere down that line theres a hard patch for at least one person.
The only thing i will offer is that however hard it is right now, he is learning about social interaction. He may be learning the hard way but I'm sure he will build from this point.
I dont think there's much you can do, maybe offer to take him to some clubs for sports or hobbies where he will meet new friends. Sometimes the group of friends you start school with are not the group you leave with. Somewhere down that line theres a hard patch for at least one person.
Your son sounds a lot like me. Bullying in secondary school and the separation of my parents in the same period (entirely amicable but unpleasant all the same) among other factors shaped me in a way which at the age of 29 I am only just starting to unravel.
I have started talking to a cognitive hypnotherapist recently but really should've sought help much, much sooner.
Can't really add much, you can never know if moving him to a different class or even a different school will help- secondary schools are a pretty hostile environment for some.
He is having talking therapy which is great. His lack of self esteem, self confidence, self worth etc may have a cause at it's core and tackling that at the root may have a transformative effect.
I have started talking to a cognitive hypnotherapist recently but really should've sought help much, much sooner.
Can't really add much, you can never know if moving him to a different class or even a different school will help- secondary schools are a pretty hostile environment for some.
He is having talking therapy which is great. His lack of self esteem, self confidence, self worth etc may have a cause at it's core and tackling that at the root may have a transformative effect.
I'm really sorry to hear your Son is going through this and you're feeling somewhat helpless. I would advise having a meeting with the school SENCO and asking for assistance.
It's likely they can make some practical suggestions of how the school can help, make sure the teaching staff keep an eye out and possibly put in place some intervention like emotional learning support to help his confidence / engagement.
Good luck, it's a tough age and it's great you're engaged enough to see the problem and want to intervene.
It's likely they can make some practical suggestions of how the school can help, make sure the teaching staff keep an eye out and possibly put in place some intervention like emotional learning support to help his confidence / engagement.
Good luck, it's a tough age and it's great you're engaged enough to see the problem and want to intervene.
You have my sympathies. Aged 10 I was top of the class in most things, and out of school could already code in two languages and do a bunch of other academic things, although I had no friends and was bullied a little, but not much. By the age of 12 or 13 I was being badly bullied on a regular basis and it affected my grades massively, dropping me to bottom of the class in everything. I changed schools and recovered my grades within a few months, but I was still badly bullied and eventually the school was closed for various reasons. I then ended up at yet another school, aged 15, which was much better for me as I found friends for the first time (two of whom are on PH actually) and got my GCSEs two years later. Changing schools worked for me, so it's certainly something to look at. The 5 year nasty patch did bugger up my education a bit though. For sure, I went on to get a good degree, but things could have turned out better for me. You're right to want to take action 
Change schools. Is it a state school? Hundreds in it 30 to a class? We considered a private school for our eldest id never even set foot in one before and didn’t see what all the fuss was about or what they offered.
My god what a difference no more than 12 to a class a lot of the kids sound very similar to your son shy, socially awkward, bullied, just can’t cope with 30+ to a class. They were transformed leading groups around their school, public speaking, enjoying endless sports if that was their thing probably the best money you can ever spend. It might be the answer.
My god what a difference no more than 12 to a class a lot of the kids sound very similar to your son shy, socially awkward, bullied, just can’t cope with 30+ to a class. They were transformed leading groups around their school, public speaking, enjoying endless sports if that was their thing probably the best money you can ever spend. It might be the answer.
BoRED S2upid said:
Change schools. Is it a state school? Hundreds in it 30 to a class? We considered a private school for our eldest id never even set foot in one before and didn’t see what all the fuss was about or what they offered.
My god what a difference no more than 12 to a class a lot of the kids sound very similar to your son shy, socially awkward, bullied, just can’t cope with 30+ to a class. They were transformed leading groups around their school, public speaking, enjoying endless sports if that was their thing probably the best money you can ever spend. It might be the answer.
It's an independent school and appears to be very "on it" as far as bullying is concerned. I emailed his form tutor today and she called me back within an hour. Apparently she was surprised that he was struggling because she knows him well and sees him often, but had not picked up that things had worsened. She wants me to keep her closely updated as to progress.My god what a difference no more than 12 to a class a lot of the kids sound very similar to your son shy, socially awkward, bullied, just can’t cope with 30+ to a class. They were transformed leading groups around their school, public speaking, enjoying endless sports if that was their thing probably the best money you can ever spend. It might be the answer.
On the subject of bullying, I have heard very little from him outside of the situation with his former mates. I think that situation would have gone differently had he been able to cope and give as good as he got. But he is a kind lad and when someone is unkind his immediate response is not one of retaliation.
I've seen him greeted by peers, but instead of responding warmly he is very closed and barely responds. Which of course does not endear him to others.
The sense I get from him, and it chimes with how I felt as a child, is that when he walks through the school gates he feels alone and overwhelmed. The enormity of the sensation is such that it's difficult to function at all, much less respond warmly to other people.
SlimJim16v said:
There are many groups of friends, if one lot ignore him, f
k em there are others. There will be kids who'll appreciate his friendship, kids he'll have something in common with.
I've never fitted in, so at school I hung around with the other oddballs. Never did me any harm
And now you hang around on Pistonheads, just shows how life can change.k em there are others. There will be kids who'll appreciate his friendship, kids he'll have something in common with. I've never fitted in, so at school I hung around with the other oddballs. Never did me any harm
Could you encourage to join some clubs/teams/activities where he will become friends with people on his wave length?
A sports team might "toughen him up" and make him more "one of the lads". Plus if he's good at something he will get more confident etc.
Or perhaps something a bit alternative like a amateur theatre company that has children in its shows. I work in theatre and theatre companies/schools for kids seem really inclusive. Also there will almost certainly be more girls than boys and they seem to "adopt" the slightly off beat boys a bit, plus he has a good chance of getting parts because there will be less competition.
A sports team might "toughen him up" and make him more "one of the lads". Plus if he's good at something he will get more confident etc.
Or perhaps something a bit alternative like a amateur theatre company that has children in its shows. I work in theatre and theatre companies/schools for kids seem really inclusive. Also there will almost certainly be more girls than boys and they seem to "adopt" the slightly off beat boys a bit, plus he has a good chance of getting parts because there will be less competition.
Chainsaw Rebuild said:
Could you encourage to join some clubs/teams/activities where he will become friends with people on his wave length?
A sports team might "toughen him up" and make him more "one of the lads". Plus if he's good at something he will get more confident etc.
Or perhaps something a bit alternative like a amateur theatre company that has children in its shows. I work in theatre and theatre companies/schools for kids seem really inclusive. Also there will almost certainly be more girls than boys and they seem to "adopt" the slightly off beat boys a bit, plus he has a good chance of getting parts because there will be less competition.
We are looking at the clubs situation.A sports team might "toughen him up" and make him more "one of the lads". Plus if he's good at something he will get more confident etc.
Or perhaps something a bit alternative like a amateur theatre company that has children in its shows. I work in theatre and theatre companies/schools for kids seem really inclusive. Also there will almost certainly be more girls than boys and they seem to "adopt" the slightly off beat boys a bit, plus he has a good chance of getting parts because there will be less competition.
He used to go to rugby club in the winter and cricket in the summer. We've pulled him out of all rugby, however, because most of his peers have grown more quickly than he and he was losing confidence on-pitch. We didn't want to add to his woes by insisting that he go into battle physically with lads who tower over him.
He is very musical and arty and I think you are right that amdram or music clubs may benefit.
Seems to be a relatively common thing which happens to the 'nice guys' (and gals) upon preparing to leave primary school and/or after secondary school has begun. Nice meaning those who are generally high in agreeableness.
Hormones starting their temporary destabilisation and then growth; place in the social hierarchy shook up, the hunt for a new social place, forging a group identity vs self-identity; being young enough to largely go through with things freely but one eye starting to turn towards the future.
These factors combined with the more negative side of human behaviour that is symptomatic of the above make it a bewildering, painful, disheartening and potentially personality-shaping experience for children who are excluded from their old social circles. OP, your boy sounds the conscientious type, this can appear a hindrance in so far of him overly recognising these changes and thinking a great deal about them and how they're affecting him.
However, his conscientiousness can help him immeasurably. It's just how to go about it which is the tricky part. Broadly, using this to rectify any elements of past relationships that may be salvageable, making peace with those that can't and moving on, approaching others one-to-one and in groups to gauge shared hobbies/interests - taking part in sports and joining clubs are excellent for this - and overall essentially attempting to strike a balance between being yourself whilst being open to experiences and thus new friendships.
Hormones starting their temporary destabilisation and then growth; place in the social hierarchy shook up, the hunt for a new social place, forging a group identity vs self-identity; being young enough to largely go through with things freely but one eye starting to turn towards the future.
These factors combined with the more negative side of human behaviour that is symptomatic of the above make it a bewildering, painful, disheartening and potentially personality-shaping experience for children who are excluded from their old social circles. OP, your boy sounds the conscientious type, this can appear a hindrance in so far of him overly recognising these changes and thinking a great deal about them and how they're affecting him.
However, his conscientiousness can help him immeasurably. It's just how to go about it which is the tricky part. Broadly, using this to rectify any elements of past relationships that may be salvageable, making peace with those that can't and moving on, approaching others one-to-one and in groups to gauge shared hobbies/interests - taking part in sports and joining clubs are excellent for this - and overall essentially attempting to strike a balance between being yourself whilst being open to experiences and thus new friendships.
NoVetec said:
Seems to be a relatively common thing which happens to the 'nice guys' (and gals) upon preparing to leave primary school and/or after secondary school has begun. Nice meaning those who are generally high in agreeableness.
Hormones starting their temporary destabilisation and then growth; place in the social hierarchy shook up, the hunt for a new social place, forging a group identity vs self-identity; being young enough to largely go through with things freely but one eye starting to turn towards the future.
These factors combined with the more negative side of human behaviour that is symptomatic of the above make it a bewildering, painful, disheartening and potentially personality-shaping experience for children who are excluded from their old social circles. OP, your boy sounds the conscientious type, this can appear a hindrance in so far of him overly recognising these changes and thinking a great deal about them and how they're affecting him.
However, his conscientiousness can help him immeasurably. It's just how to go about it which is the tricky part. Broadly, using this to rectify any elements of past relationships that may be salvageable, making peace with those that can't and moving on, approaching others one-to-one and in groups to gauge shared hobbies/interests - taking part in sports and joining clubs are excellent for this - and overall essentially attempting to strike a balance between being yourself whilst being open to experiences and thus friendships.
Good post, thanks.Hormones starting their temporary destabilisation and then growth; place in the social hierarchy shook up, the hunt for a new social place, forging a group identity vs self-identity; being young enough to largely go through with things freely but one eye starting to turn towards the future.
These factors combined with the more negative side of human behaviour that is symptomatic of the above make it a bewildering, painful, disheartening and potentially personality-shaping experience for children who are excluded from their old social circles. OP, your boy sounds the conscientious type, this can appear a hindrance in so far of him overly recognising these changes and thinking a great deal about them and how they're affecting him.
However, his conscientiousness can help him immeasurably. It's just how to go about it which is the tricky part. Broadly, using this to rectify any elements of past relationships that may be salvageable, making peace with those that can't and moving on, approaching others one-to-one and in groups to gauge shared hobbies/interests - taking part in sports and joining clubs are excellent for this - and overall essentially attempting to strike a balance between being yourself whilst being open to experiences and thus friendships.
In fact thanks to all of you so far, this is PH at its best.
Well he's got you on his side, so he's got a good start. Personally, I didn't have an effective positive father figure, I didn't fit in at school and like so many other lads ended up with the local layabouts. I will never forgive my dad for not taking any interest or showing me that there was more to life than what I was doing. Show your son your support now, even if it sounds cringeworthy, go out with him, turn up at school events with him, be the best dad you can and even though it may not look like it now he will remember it in years to come and your example will be something for him to work his own life around as he gets older. I honestly don't think there's much you can do to change his attitude, or behaviour, or the way he feels, or the way other children interact with him, but if you behave the way you'd like him to behave it will rub off. Above all, if he knows that you are on his side come what may then he will be well equipped for whatever comes his way and it'll be one less thing for him to be worried about as he goes through his teens.
Some good advice above. I'd also constantly remind him that school is not the be all and end all of his life, people leave school and move on with their lives and eventually learn to do whatever it is they want to do without having to worry what other people think.
It's tricky because at that age kids think school and the problems they face in them are their whole world from now until kingdom come which absolutely is not the case.
It's tricky because at that age kids think school and the problems they face in them are their whole world from now until kingdom come which absolutely is not the case.
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