What to do about Mother.
Discussion
I didn't grow up with my mother and haven't seen her for years, but we've exchanged letters once a year. She is in her 80s now.
She has always been a tough and independent woman, who said she's end it all when the time came. She put in place legal instructions to deal with everything when she goes. There is no estate to speak of.
But things haven't panned out as she said they would and as I type she is frail and helpless in a hospital bed 200 miles from here. She isn't eating, is nearly blind and her legs may need to be amputated.
She has friends and neighbours who have let me know what is going on. But, however much they claim to understand that my mother and I have no relationship, the subtext of their messages is, "she's your mother, you need to do something".
I am given to understand she is not receiving good care in the hospital and her naturally abrasive nature probably isn't helping.
Never having been in this situation I have no idea what to do. However callous it may appear, I don't think now is the time to be make up for lost years and dash to her bedside. But at the same time I would not knowingly allow someone else to suffer, if I could prevent it.
Does anyone here know how the system works and is there a way I can interject to ensure that she does get care in hospital and, if needs be, a care home? Ideally without her knowing I've done it, because she will refuse it if she knows I am involved.
Pothole said:
Your input will likely have little effect on her care. I reckon if you were actually bothered, you'd be there, not posting here.
Well, I didn't find out until about forty minutes ago quite what her true situation is. I am bothered in the same way that I would be if anyone I knew was in that position. But I am not going to abandon my immediate family to go to her bedside where I will probably be unwelcome and, if you are correct, not effective.
So said:
Pothole said:
Your input will likely have little effect on her care. I reckon if you were actually bothered, you'd be there, not posting here.
Well, I didn't find out until about forty minutes ago quite what her true situation is. I am bothered in the same way that I would be if anyone I knew was in that position. But I am not going to abandon my immediate family to go to her bedside where I will probably be unwelcome and, if you are correct, not effective.
singlecoil said:
OP expect plenty more replies in the same vein as the above. Knives are being sharpened. They won't care about the back story.
There are plenty of experienced and helpful people on PH, I'm hopeful that someone here will have been through something similar, or know the workings of the NHS in what could be end of life care.juice said:
I'd go - if it pans out as you expect at least your conscience will be clear.
There's a risk here that I would be doing it for my benefit - so that I don't feel bad - rather than hers. In addition to which, I've got a rotten cold and I am not sure how welcome I'd be in a ward full of frail people!
So said:
singlecoil said:
OP expect plenty more replies in the same vein as the above. Knives are being sharpened. They won't care about the back story.
There are plenty of experienced and helpful people on PH, I'm hopeful that someone here will have been through something similar, or know the workings of the NHS in what could be end of life care.Whoever is reporting to you may not have all the facts, may be taking your Mother's angry criticism of the standard of care as gospel and/or may have unrealistic expectations. Go and see for yourself. You can't possibly make any judgement from 200 miles away.
Feel free to ignore my advice as it’s only my advice.
You don’t seem to have a mother to child relationship the reasons as to why don’t really matter.
You do have a relationship where you speak to a person approximately once per year.
If you and me sent a letter to each other once a year, and you then heard this news about me what would you do?
Do whatever you gut instinct was for the above question.
You don’t seem to have a mother to child relationship the reasons as to why don’t really matter.
You do have a relationship where you speak to a person approximately once per year.
If you and me sent a letter to each other once a year, and you then heard this news about me what would you do?
Do whatever you gut instinct was for the above question.
singlecoil said:
OP expect plenty more replies in the same vein as the above. Knives are being sharpened. They won't care about the back story.
I don’t care about the back story because I have a sense of duty and responsibility. A very rare thing nowadays. If she’s not eating she’s gonna die. The amputations could well kill her at that age.
At least if you go everyone who knows you won’t wonder if you’d treat them the same.
If she is in her 80s with no close family and possibly having a leg amputated, I can't imagine she is in a fit state to live outside of nursing care. If she is in hospital, that hospital's discharge team should be assessing her for that possibility. If they're not, phone them and ask them to.
If she is considered as needing nursing care, she should then be assessed for who is responsible for funding it. It will either be jointly funded by the local authority and the NHS, or by the NHS alone. If it's the former it will be means tested, in which case you will need to make it very clear that you have no relationship with her, as otherwise they might try to use your income as a factor in her eligibility.
If she is considered as needing nursing care, she should then be assessed for who is responsible for funding it. It will either be jointly funded by the local authority and the NHS, or by the NHS alone. If it's the former it will be means tested, in which case you will need to make it very clear that you have no relationship with her, as otherwise they might try to use your income as a factor in her eligibility.
I think there is no right or wrong answer, as someone said above, do what your instinct says.
If you want to go there as it will be somewhat cathartic for you to do so, perhaps prevent a "what if" in future then do it. If you think going there and telling her that you forgive her and love her would help her rest in peace (whether true or not) then do it.
If your instinct says that your time is better spent with your immediate family and making sure that they know how much you love and care about them - then do that too.
There is no right or wrong decision, just a right now one. It might change next week.
If you want to go there as it will be somewhat cathartic for you to do so, perhaps prevent a "what if" in future then do it. If you think going there and telling her that you forgive her and love her would help her rest in peace (whether true or not) then do it.
If your instinct says that your time is better spent with your immediate family and making sure that they know how much you love and care about them - then do that too.
There is no right or wrong decision, just a right now one. It might change next week.
The first thing to establish is whether the hospital have been told you are next of kin. If not you have an uphill struggle if you do want to help.
They won't be keen to talk over the phone in anything other than the vaguest terms so if you want to help you will have to go there.
If they are planning to amputate then presumably they are treating her to save her life rather than make her comfortable so (another assumption) I'm guessing they haven't been given any direction by her and there isn't a do not resuscitate note in her records.
Personally I don't think going to assuage your own guilty feelings is a bad reason to go. She doesn't need to know you're there and it may help make her death more comfortable.
But first you need to establish if you're NoK and can have an influence.
They won't be keen to talk over the phone in anything other than the vaguest terms so if you want to help you will have to go there.
If they are planning to amputate then presumably they are treating her to save her life rather than make her comfortable so (another assumption) I'm guessing they haven't been given any direction by her and there isn't a do not resuscitate note in her records.
Personally I don't think going to assuage your own guilty feelings is a bad reason to go. She doesn't need to know you're there and it may help make her death more comfortable.
But first you need to establish if you're NoK and can have an influence.
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