Toddler pushes other children only when we're around
Discussion
Pretty much that - fine all day every day at nursery, gets along with the other children as much as a 21 month old ever does, but as soon as we turn up he's happy to see us and then starts slapping the faces and pushing the chests of the other children. Like he's overexcited or jealous. Sometimes we can distract him enough to stop him doing it but other times he's on a mission.
He's only said about 20 different words, only a handful he regularly uses, so it's difficult to communicate with him, i.e. he doesn't really understand 'no' (or doesn't really want to understand). He's also fine with us when we see other children out and about.
The nursery tend to try to reinforce positive behaviour rather than any negative restriction, but it feels like some kind of intervening is necessary as he's been like this for a few months now.
Will he grow out of this or is it something specific we should address?
He's only said about 20 different words, only a handful he regularly uses, so it's difficult to communicate with him, i.e. he doesn't really understand 'no' (or doesn't really want to understand). He's also fine with us when we see other children out and about.
The nursery tend to try to reinforce positive behaviour rather than any negative restriction, but it feels like some kind of intervening is necessary as he's been like this for a few months now.
Will he grow out of this or is it something specific we should address?
If we do he just doesn't 'get' it, he either thinks it's a game and laughs his head off and I'm not about to keep escalating the rebuke until it has the desired effect; or he doesn't link it to the behaviour that he's just carried out, so there's no learning there. The switch between playing happily, seeing me, and pushing at the child next to him is sometimes so quick that I don't think it's even conscious behaviour, it's almost like an automatic reaction because he can't cope with whatever emotion is inside him.
I wondered whether we should spend some time in the nursery with him and the other children to get him used to all of us being around and that there's nothing to worry about.
I wondered whether we should spend some time in the nursery with him and the other children to get him used to all of us being around and that there's nothing to worry about.
Nope, he doesn't, they're always surprised when he does it and it's often instant on seeing us, after we've watched him playing nicely for minutes through the window before going in. The last inspection got top scores in everything they examined, they do a lot of structured activities in small groups, it's a good nursery.
ScotHill said:
Pretty much that - fine all day every day at nursery, gets along with the other children as much as a 21 month old ever does, but as soon as we turn up he's happy to see us and then starts slapping the faces and pushing the chests of the other children. Like he's overexcited or jealous. Sometimes we can distract him enough to stop him doing it but other times he's on a mission.
He's only said about 20 different words, only a handful he regularly uses, so it's difficult to communicate with him, i.e. he doesn't really understand 'no' (or doesn't really want to understand). He's also fine with us when we see other children out and about.
The nursery tend to try to reinforce positive behaviour rather than any negative restriction, but it feels like some kind of intervening is necessary as he's been like this for a few months now.
Will he grow out of this or is it something specific we should address?
"he doesn't really understand 'no' " - sorry this is the root problem for me. You need to learn how to discipline your child(ren), they each have a button that you need to find. Each of my three had different things that would make them stop and do as told. At 21 months, almost 2 years old, he most certainly will know the word 'No', but if you don't use it with the right tone and then follow through with actual positive discplining action he is just going to ignore you.He's only said about 20 different words, only a handful he regularly uses, so it's difficult to communicate with him, i.e. he doesn't really understand 'no' (or doesn't really want to understand). He's also fine with us when we see other children out and about.
The nursery tend to try to reinforce positive behaviour rather than any negative restriction, but it feels like some kind of intervening is necessary as he's been like this for a few months now.
Will he grow out of this or is it something specific we should address?
And no, he won't grow out of it unless you get a grip and learn how to be a parent, which includes you setting the boundaries and then actually disciplining when appropriate.
When mine were younger we had friends with two kids of their own. Their kids were a nightmare, really truly irritating and wouldn't do a thing they were told. Didn't take long to suss out it was because despite being threatened with all kinds of punishments by the parents, they NEVER carried them out. The kids just learnt to ignore them.
Sorry to come over all judgemental, but we had a string of holidays ruined because their kids were incapable of behaving in public and it was just bad parenting. You need to get a handle on it, they don't call it the "terrible twos" for no reason, and you're not even there yet!
He's absolutely fine when out and about, can take him to a restaurant etc no problem, happy to mingle with strangers (especially ones with dogs!), thanks for the pre-judgement on how we're raising our child Piersman. Can get a bit whingy when we do something he doesn't want to do but no more than any other child. If we're leaving the house and he wants to play with his toys then he can cry and writhe a bit but it lasts less than a minute, it's best just to focus on the new thing as that stops it becoming an issue and gets it over with quickly.
He's probably later in his communication than some children but more advanced in his movement and object manipulation, i.e. he can do puzzles and could throw overarm since before a year old, so if 'no' doesn't work we go by distraction to give him something more interesting to pay attention to until his communication develops more.
This seems to be a specific thing to do with us being around the other children and him feeling jealous or afraid or over-excited in some way.
He's probably later in his communication than some children but more advanced in his movement and object manipulation, i.e. he can do puzzles and could throw overarm since before a year old, so if 'no' doesn't work we go by distraction to give him something more interesting to pay attention to until his communication develops more.
This seems to be a specific thing to do with us being around the other children and him feeling jealous or afraid or over-excited in some way.
Edited by anonymous-user on Monday 11th March 22:41
Chainsaw Rebuild said:
I think what he’s getting at OP is if you rebuke him and he laughs at you then you need to get control of the situation and make the rebuke stick.
I’m no expert but could it be he’s showing off when you are there?
If something doesn't work you don't just do it bigger until it does, I'd end up hitting him in the face with a cricket bat. It just doesn't work with him (at the moment, because he doesn't understand it) so it needs a different approach, for now.I’m no expert but could it be he’s showing off when you are there?
It could be, I'm going to ask to sit in with the children for a bit and see how he is when we're not rushing off, this all just happens in the few minutes where we collect him.
Mine have long since flown the nest (I have a grandson now) but I think you have one of two situations here. A child of that age should absolutely understand what No means. What happens when he goes to stick his fingers in the fire, or an electrical socket?
So either you haven't adequately explained and reinforced No to him, or, he needs to see someone to assess his mental capacity. Sorry, that's not meant to sound harsh but I think it can only be one thing or the other. And you did ask...
So either you haven't adequately explained and reinforced No to him, or, he needs to see someone to assess his mental capacity. Sorry, that's not meant to sound harsh but I think it can only be one thing or the other. And you did ask...
ScotHill said:
He's absolutely fine when out and about, can take him to a restaurant etc no problem, happy to mingle with strangers (especially ones with dogs!), thanks for the pre-judgement on how we're raising our child Piersman. Can get a bit whingy when we do something he doesn't want to do but no more than any other child. If we're leaving the house and he wants to play with his toys then he can cry and writhe a bit but it lasts less than a minute, it's best just to focus on the new thing as that stops it becoming an issue and gets it over with quickly.
He's probably later in his communication than some children but more advanced in his movement and object manipulation, i.e. he can do puzzles and could throw overarm since before a year old, so if 'no' doesn't work we go by distraction to give him something more interesting to pay attention to until his communication develops more.
This seems to be a specific thing to do with us being around the other children and him feeling jealous or afraid or over-excited in some way.
Try talking to him before and after the event. Show him the tool of choice... his favourite toy or preferred treat...He's probably later in his communication than some children but more advanced in his movement and object manipulation, i.e. he can do puzzles and could throw overarm since before a year old, so if 'no' doesn't work we go by distraction to give him something more interesting to pay attention to until his communication develops more.
This seems to be a specific thing to do with us being around the other children and him feeling jealous or afraid or over-excited in some way.
Edited by ScotHill on Monday 11th March 22:41
“If there is any pushing when we pick you up, this toy is GONE, ok?”
Show him the toy/treat when you arrive and repeat.
If it occurs, reinforce the above statement and state clearly that he lost the object “because”. He needs to see and link the behaviour to the event. Leave the object in sight but out of reach.
Make a big deal about him getting the reward if he doesn’t act out the behaviour, lots of praise etc
Be consistent. Stay calm. It might take a while for it to sink in that this behaviour is not getting the attention he craves.
Nursery have a point in that he is seeking a response from you, asserting his ability to get reaction. It’s very frustrating and I sympathise. GL
P.S: they’re all different. My first never required such methods. The second is a total handful... so ignore those that criticise you here, and keep on analysing the situation to find what works for this particular child.
Edited by DoubleSix on Tuesday 12th March 07:52
Looking for attention from someone he hasn't seen all day. In other words he's looking for an argument. Our youngest was similar as a toddler, he would do things to get a reaction and then run off laughing. The only way to address it is not to give him what he wants. Remove him from the situation silently, no eye contact no interaction.
My wife really struggled with that, as she always likes a good argument as well We ended up in the situation where I would have the kids all day with no issues whatsoever, and then as soon as my mrs got home he would start acting up, knowing that my wife would instantly snap and start shouting at him.......
It's harder doing the stoney silent thing than the ranting shouty thing. The converse of this is that you need to provide lots of attention when they're behaving well, that way they associate good behaviour with attention and bad behaviour with no attention.
p.s. don't let the b
ds grind you down 
My wife really struggled with that, as she always likes a good argument as well
We ended up in the situation where I would have the kids all day with no issues whatsoever, and then as soon as my mrs got home he would start acting up, knowing that my wife would instantly snap and start shouting at him.......It's harder doing the stoney silent thing than the ranting shouty thing. The converse of this is that you need to provide lots of attention when they're behaving well, that way they associate good behaviour with attention and bad behaviour with no attention.
p.s. don't let the b
ds grind you down FredAstaire said:
ScotHill said:
I'm not about to keep escalating the rebuke until it has the desired effect; .
why not?Some good tips up there, thank you - we constantly steered him away from electrical sockets and stairs etc and eventually he lost interest, as long as he's got something more interesting to occupy him he's fine.
The nursery are very opening to family coming in to read etc, will ask them what they think.
CAPP0 said:
Mine have long since flown the nest (I have a grandson now) but I think you have one of two situations here. A child of that age should absolutely understand what No means. What happens when he goes to stick his fingers in the fire, or an electrical socket?
So either you haven't adequately explained and reinforced No to him, or, he needs to see someone to assess his mental capacity. Sorry, that's not meant to sound harsh but I think it can only be one thing or the other. And you did ask...
No problem - he's generally very bright, but in a bilingual home so his communication can be a little delayed, although even then every child is different. Will think about how we deal with consequences and reinforcement.So either you haven't adequately explained and reinforced No to him, or, he needs to see someone to assess his mental capacity. Sorry, that's not meant to sound harsh but I think it can only be one thing or the other. And you did ask...
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