How forgettable / unnoticeable are you?
Discussion
I put this in here rather than the lounge in the hope of a slightly more sensible discussion. Not sure I want any help with it but interested to hear other experiences.
Firstly let me just set some basic groundwork. I'm 6'5" and 100+kgs, not exactly inconspicuous. I think I'm pretty unremarkable, I.e. neither ugly nor good looking. Personality wise I'm quiet and unassuming.
I have found though that I am a largely forgettable and unnoticed person. Here are a few things I've noticed:
No one remembers my name. We had a new director at work start. I was introduced to him, immediately he started to refer to me as Tim, which is not my name. Hes not the first person to call me Tim by mistake.
Few months ago I went on a hill fitness and navigation training day which was being run by an ex SAS soldier. He couldn't remember my name, despite being able to remember everyone elses in our group. Half way through the day he described me as the "ultimate grey man" as he "still couldn't remember my f
king name ".
In meetings people talk over me constantly. I also feel like people talk down to me a little, not in a belittling I'm better than you way, but in a bit of a condescending way.
Walking down the street I am constantly moving out peoples way or saying sorry for bumping into them. It's always me who moves. Not them. Suppose part of that is politeness and I do think I am a polite person.
I suppose in some way it's good to fly under the radar. But I think particularly in work it has a negative impact. I'm moving into a more senior management role and I guess I'm more worried now that I dont carry any gravitas and wont stand out as someone to listen to.
I think also, and I know this sounds ridiculous, but I feel that my size and physical presence should inlicit a more respectful response .
Anyway I'm rambling, if you think I'm being a tt be gentle.
Firstly let me just set some basic groundwork. I'm 6'5" and 100+kgs, not exactly inconspicuous. I think I'm pretty unremarkable, I.e. neither ugly nor good looking. Personality wise I'm quiet and unassuming.
I have found though that I am a largely forgettable and unnoticed person. Here are a few things I've noticed:
No one remembers my name. We had a new director at work start. I was introduced to him, immediately he started to refer to me as Tim, which is not my name. Hes not the first person to call me Tim by mistake.
Few months ago I went on a hill fitness and navigation training day which was being run by an ex SAS soldier. He couldn't remember my name, despite being able to remember everyone elses in our group. Half way through the day he described me as the "ultimate grey man" as he "still couldn't remember my f
king name ".In meetings people talk over me constantly. I also feel like people talk down to me a little, not in a belittling I'm better than you way, but in a bit of a condescending way.
Walking down the street I am constantly moving out peoples way or saying sorry for bumping into them. It's always me who moves. Not them. Suppose part of that is politeness and I do think I am a polite person.
I suppose in some way it's good to fly under the radar. But I think particularly in work it has a negative impact. I'm moving into a more senior management role and I guess I'm more worried now that I dont carry any gravitas and wont stand out as someone to listen to.
I think also, and I know this sounds ridiculous, but I feel that my size and physical presence should inlicit a more respectful response .
Anyway I'm rambling, if you think I'm being a t
t be gentle.Hi Tim, you have PH build, so should definitely be receiving a more respectful response. I can only guess you don’t have a goatee?
Senior management might get you somewhere towards the respect your stature deserves, however until you reach Company Director level your insecurity will always be valid.
Consider the ultimate place for domination, the staircase. Currently, you’re moving out of peoples way and they will not respect you for this. Perhaps for now you’d be better off taking the lift until you’re assertive enough that others will move for you.
Your day of power starts in the car park. Colleagues are likely to find you more memorable if they see you step out of a PH motor. I’d recommend a BMW 330d (mapped.)
Senior management might get you somewhere towards the respect your stature deserves, however until you reach Company Director level your insecurity will always be valid.
Consider the ultimate place for domination, the staircase. Currently, you’re moving out of peoples way and they will not respect you for this. Perhaps for now you’d be better off taking the lift until you’re assertive enough that others will move for you.
Your day of power starts in the car park. Colleagues are likely to find you more memorable if they see you step out of a PH motor. I’d recommend a BMW 330d (mapped.)
With all that out of the way, your mindset is the only thing that can make the change you feel you need to see.
Speak up, get involved, make yourself stand out. Or don’t and be happy with who you are. My barber calls me Jake. I’m alright with it, I’m only there for a hair cut. In other areas I make myself recognisable.
Being ‘the man’ is great and all, but going under the radar and letting your performance show who you are will stand the test of time.
Speak up, get involved, make yourself stand out. Or don’t and be happy with who you are. My barber calls me Jake. I’m alright with it, I’m only there for a hair cut. In other areas I make myself recognisable.
Being ‘the man’ is great and all, but going under the radar and letting your performance show who you are will stand the test of time.
How long have you been at your current place of work?
My first "proper" job I started at the very bottom in the department (not quite tea boy, but not far off), after 10 years I'd progressed to a reasonably senior role, but there were still plenty of people (especially those who'd also been with the company a long time) who still viewed me in some ways as a junior (or still remembered the days when I was). If I'm honest with myself I probably helped perpetuate the situation as I suspect unconsciously I still viewed some of these people as my superior, whereas in fact we were now on a more even level.
Sometimes it helps to start afresh with a blank slate, for me since moving jobs I find people take me more seriously and listen to what I say.
My first "proper" job I started at the very bottom in the department (not quite tea boy, but not far off), after 10 years I'd progressed to a reasonably senior role, but there were still plenty of people (especially those who'd also been with the company a long time) who still viewed me in some ways as a junior (or still remembered the days when I was). If I'm honest with myself I probably helped perpetuate the situation as I suspect unconsciously I still viewed some of these people as my superior, whereas in fact we were now on a more even level.
Sometimes it helps to start afresh with a blank slate, for me since moving jobs I find people take me more seriously and listen to what I say.
Assertiveness. Learn when to use it (and how much) and when to step back. From what you've written you may have not have been stepping forward often enough - when someone uses the wrong name, immediately correct them. When someone speaks over you say 'May I finish?!'
You're a big chap but if you're hoping that your physical presence will make people respect you, you'll be disappointed, you have to work at it. It seems that you're valued at work with your move to a more senior role so perhaps now is the time to 'push' a bit more, not all the time, just when needed: pick your 'battles' to win the war.
You're a big chap but if you're hoping that your physical presence will make people respect you, you'll be disappointed, you have to work at it. It seems that you're valued at work with your move to a more senior role so perhaps now is the time to 'push' a bit more, not all the time, just when needed: pick your 'battles' to win the war.
Sounds like a career in MI5 beckons.
To a point I get this too, I used to feel very much like I blended in and was forgettable, generic looking...used to feel like I would get lost into the background and that no one really noticed me, women especially. I also have an incredibly common first name.
Then, around 5 years ago, I grew a beard... now it's pretty full and around 8" long, so I'm instantly recogniseable/distinctive and even have randoms in public compliment it (which still sort of weirds me out)....so maybe you could try growing a beard!
To a point I get this too, I used to feel very much like I blended in and was forgettable, generic looking...used to feel like I would get lost into the background and that no one really noticed me, women especially. I also have an incredibly common first name.
Then, around 5 years ago, I grew a beard... now it's pretty full and around 8" long, so I'm instantly recogniseable/distinctive and even have randoms in public compliment it (which still sort of weirds me out)....so maybe you could try growing a beard!
You're as forgettable as you let yourself be- If you let people call you the wrong name, and stay relatively quiet, people will forget you. If you carry yourself confidently, and act assertively (without being rude) people will remember you.
Smile, make eye contact, speak clearly, walk tall (as cheesy as that sounds)- and you'll make an impact.
Smile, make eye contact, speak clearly, walk tall (as cheesy as that sounds)- and you'll make an impact.
I'm similarly proportioned, and I find the opposite to you. People remember me often for no other reason than because I stand out as the tallest in most groups. I haven't a clue who they are half the time. I find it impossible when I meet somebody from work in the street, or a parent from school at a business event... it takes me ages to figure out the connection, while they're chatting away like we're old friends.
I'm going to take a stab in the dark... If I'm wrong about you personally, maybe it'll resonate with somebody else.
Because of your height, you don't stand or sit up straight. You try to physically shrink yourself a bit to blend in. Your posture gives people the impression that there's no need to take any notice of you.
I'd wager you carry yourself in a way that exactly depicts how you feel about yourself; that you are forgettable, which everyone around you can pick up on. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you feel unnoticed, you will be. You're forgettable for no reason other than because you think you're forgettable.
Practice walking and sitting very tall and straight, shoulders back, and chin up. Look ahead, not at the ground. Dominate the pavement. I know it's a dumb joke, but there's a small element of truth to it. You don't need to be a dick about it,strutting around and dominating the stairs. Just carry yourself as if you know what you're doing. People will perceive your confidence and treat you differently. And remember, confidence is definitely a fake-it-till-you-make-it thing, so it doesn't matter how you feel inside, as long as you consciously project a confident posture.
If that's not enough, make sure you're well dressed and well groomed. You don't have to be handsome as long as you're clean and tidy. Incremental changes help. Shave daily, not every other day. Swap those trainers for some shoes. Swap that t-shirt for an open collar. Swap that Casio for a steel bracelet.
There's a bit of CBT to this. My therapist (yes, we can all talk openly about therapy these days) asked me, "If you were more self-confident, how would you act? How would you walk? What would you dress like?" I described most of the advice above as my perception of what a self-confident person would do. "OK, do that then!", she said. You don't need to wait until you feel unforgettable to act like you are. How you feel about yourself mentally might seem insurmountable and out of your control, and it possibly would be very hard to change that directly with the power of positive thinking. But, what is very achievable is to take control of the physical things which then directly influence the mental things. It's very much a two-way process. You look and act how you feel, but you can also change how you feel by changing how you look and act. Forget about how you feel, and just do the physical stuff.
Catch yourself staring at the ground, and lift your head. Catch yourself slumping at your desk and sit up straight. Catch yourself avoiding eye contact, and turn to face that person. The great thing about pretending to be a confident, noticeable person is that to the outside observer it is completely indistinguishable from somebody who really is a confident person.
I'm going to take a stab in the dark... If I'm wrong about you personally, maybe it'll resonate with somebody else.
Because of your height, you don't stand or sit up straight. You try to physically shrink yourself a bit to blend in. Your posture gives people the impression that there's no need to take any notice of you.
I'd wager you carry yourself in a way that exactly depicts how you feel about yourself; that you are forgettable, which everyone around you can pick up on. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you feel unnoticed, you will be. You're forgettable for no reason other than because you think you're forgettable.
Practice walking and sitting very tall and straight, shoulders back, and chin up. Look ahead, not at the ground. Dominate the pavement. I know it's a dumb joke, but there's a small element of truth to it. You don't need to be a dick about it,strutting around and dominating the stairs. Just carry yourself as if you know what you're doing. People will perceive your confidence and treat you differently. And remember, confidence is definitely a fake-it-till-you-make-it thing, so it doesn't matter how you feel inside, as long as you consciously project a confident posture.
If that's not enough, make sure you're well dressed and well groomed. You don't have to be handsome as long as you're clean and tidy. Incremental changes help. Shave daily, not every other day. Swap those trainers for some shoes. Swap that t-shirt for an open collar. Swap that Casio for a steel bracelet.
There's a bit of CBT to this. My therapist (yes, we can all talk openly about therapy these days) asked me, "If you were more self-confident, how would you act? How would you walk? What would you dress like?" I described most of the advice above as my perception of what a self-confident person would do. "OK, do that then!", she said. You don't need to wait until you feel unforgettable to act like you are. How you feel about yourself mentally might seem insurmountable and out of your control, and it possibly would be very hard to change that directly with the power of positive thinking. But, what is very achievable is to take control of the physical things which then directly influence the mental things. It's very much a two-way process. You look and act how you feel, but you can also change how you feel by changing how you look and act. Forget about how you feel, and just do the physical stuff.
Catch yourself staring at the ground, and lift your head. Catch yourself slumping at your desk and sit up straight. Catch yourself avoiding eye contact, and turn to face that person. The great thing about pretending to be a confident, noticeable person is that to the outside observer it is completely indistinguishable from somebody who really is a confident person.
I'm pretty invisible too. Although a lot of that is down to me. I prefer to not be the center of attention, I tend to hover around the edges of a group rather than holding court. I'm relatively quiet and unassuming. There's nothing wrong with being introverted, you just have to put up with not getting served in bars quite as quickly, or having people come up to you at work and ask if you're new here (no, I've been here 11 years..). 
I don't know why it's seen as such a bad thing being introverted. Virtually every piece of science and technology we use every day has been developed by introverts.
Introverts build things, extroverts destroy them
I don't know why it's seen as such a bad thing being introverted. Virtually every piece of science and technology we use every day has been developed by introverts.
Introverts build things, extroverts destroy them
From my own personal experience I'd say that there is an excess of memorable, highly asserted and self important dick heads, so take it as a positive that you're not one of them, rather than a negative.
Being quiet on the outside but being confident and at one with yourself on the inside wins any day in my book.
Being quiet on the outside but being confident and at one with yourself on the inside wins any day in my book.
There are 'walk-in' thieves who can come into an office, stay for a minute or two, and walk out and no one will remember a thing about them.
Women tend to be slightly better observers of people as a whole, but some women are the worst of all at noticing people.
I never worked out how these people become evanescent. When they're in the cell block they look normally memorable and, indeed, are.
For you, if you are not one of these, might I suggest seeing The Sixth Sense?
Women tend to be slightly better observers of people as a whole, but some women are the worst of all at noticing people.
I never worked out how these people become evanescent. When they're in the cell block they look normally memorable and, indeed, are.
For you, if you are not one of these, might I suggest seeing The Sixth Sense?
CrossMember said:
I'm similarly proportioned, and I find the opposite to you. People remember me often for no other reason than because I stand out as the tallest in most groups. I haven't a clue who they are half the time. I find it impossible when I meet somebody from work in the street, or a parent from school at a business event... it takes me ages to figure out the connection, while they're chatting away like we're old friends.
I'm going to take a stab in the dark... If I'm wrong about you personally, maybe it'll resonate with somebody else.
Because of your height, you don't stand or sit up straight. You try to physically shrink yourself a bit to blend in. Your posture gives people the impression that there's no need to take any notice of you.
I'd wager you carry yourself in a way that exactly depicts how you feel about yourself; that you are forgettable, which everyone around you can pick up on. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you feel unnoticed, you will be. You're forgettable for no reason other than because you think you're forgettable.
Practice walking and sitting very tall and straight, shoulders back, and chin up. Look ahead, not at the ground. Dominate the pavement. I know it's a dumb joke, but there's a small element of truth to it. You don't need to be a dick about it,strutting around and dominating the stairs. Just carry yourself as if you know what you're doing. People will perceive your confidence and treat you differently. And remember, confidence is definitely a fake-it-till-you-make-it thing, so it doesn't matter how you feel inside, as long as you consciously project a confident posture.
If that's not enough, make sure you're well dressed and well groomed. You don't have to be handsome as long as you're clean and tidy. Incremental changes help. Shave daily, not every other day. Swap those trainers for some shoes. Swap that t-shirt for an open collar. Swap that Casio for a steel bracelet.
There's a bit of CBT to this. My therapist (yes, we can all talk openly about therapy these days) asked me, "If you were more self-confident, how would you act? How would you walk? What would you dress like?" I described most of the advice above as my perception of what a self-confident person would do. "OK, do that then!", she said. You don't need to wait until you feel unforgettable to act like you are. How you feel about yourself mentally might seem insurmountable and out of your control, and it possibly would be very hard to change that directly with the power of positive thinking. But, what is very achievable is to take control of the physical things which then directly influence the mental things. It's very much a two-way process. You look and act how you feel, but you can also change how you feel by changing how you look and act. Forget about how you feel, and just do the physical stuff.
Catch yourself staring at the ground, and lift your head. Catch yourself slumping at your desk and sit up straight. Catch yourself avoiding eye contact, and turn to face that person. The great thing about pretending to be a confident, noticeable person is that to the outside observer it is completely indistinguishable from somebody who really is a confident person.
I'm 6'2" and a bit. I stand straight. I boldly go. I smile and look people in the eye, not always a good idea. I'm going to take a stab in the dark... If I'm wrong about you personally, maybe it'll resonate with somebody else.
Because of your height, you don't stand or sit up straight. You try to physically shrink yourself a bit to blend in. Your posture gives people the impression that there's no need to take any notice of you.
I'd wager you carry yourself in a way that exactly depicts how you feel about yourself; that you are forgettable, which everyone around you can pick up on. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you feel unnoticed, you will be. You're forgettable for no reason other than because you think you're forgettable.
Practice walking and sitting very tall and straight, shoulders back, and chin up. Look ahead, not at the ground. Dominate the pavement. I know it's a dumb joke, but there's a small element of truth to it. You don't need to be a dick about it,strutting around and dominating the stairs. Just carry yourself as if you know what you're doing. People will perceive your confidence and treat you differently. And remember, confidence is definitely a fake-it-till-you-make-it thing, so it doesn't matter how you feel inside, as long as you consciously project a confident posture.
If that's not enough, make sure you're well dressed and well groomed. You don't have to be handsome as long as you're clean and tidy. Incremental changes help. Shave daily, not every other day. Swap those trainers for some shoes. Swap that t-shirt for an open collar. Swap that Casio for a steel bracelet.
There's a bit of CBT to this. My therapist (yes, we can all talk openly about therapy these days) asked me, "If you were more self-confident, how would you act? How would you walk? What would you dress like?" I described most of the advice above as my perception of what a self-confident person would do. "OK, do that then!", she said. You don't need to wait until you feel unforgettable to act like you are. How you feel about yourself mentally might seem insurmountable and out of your control, and it possibly would be very hard to change that directly with the power of positive thinking. But, what is very achievable is to take control of the physical things which then directly influence the mental things. It's very much a two-way process. You look and act how you feel, but you can also change how you feel by changing how you look and act. Forget about how you feel, and just do the physical stuff.
Catch yourself staring at the ground, and lift your head. Catch yourself slumping at your desk and sit up straight. Catch yourself avoiding eye contact, and turn to face that person. The great thing about pretending to be a confident, noticeable person is that to the outside observer it is completely indistinguishable from somebody who really is a confident person.
Recently I've been bumped into half a dozen times. When I see people walking towards me and there's no way I can get out of their way, perhaps because they are walking two abreast, with prams on two occasions, blocking alternative routes, I stand still. I've been hit by two trolleys and one young woman looking at her phone who literally walked into me, didn't apologise, gave me a blinding look and said to her also phone obsessed companion, who had assisted her in blocking the access to Waitrose, 'Did you see that?'. Of course she didn't. She like you was staring at her phone.
On one wide thoroughfare, a family were five abreast, completely blocking the footway. I stood, hands on hips, and allowed the bloke to all but bump into me. I said, 'Excuse me for being here.'. He just walked on, catching up to the rest of his group.
I've told my wife that in future I might suddenly scream out at the top of my voice just before someone walks into me. She said she'd never speak with me again. Win/win.
The boss of a company I was an apprentice at, the son of a garter knight, called me Dave. I told my journeyman, and from then on he called me Dave. I knew my place, as did he.
As a few people have mentioned, you lack assertiveness.
I would say I am pretty much the opposite to you, 5ft 10 ish, regular gym goer so toned and strong, but not 'built' so don't stand out physically, however I am generally always remembered. Probably not always for the right reasons though!
Do you make eye contact with the people you are engaging with?
Would you say you are self conscious? Does that affect your body language when you are in certain situations?
Using your specific example of meeting your new director, did you engage in further conversation upon introduction? Were you stood up? what was your handshake like? eye contact? etc etc
In my undoubtedly one sided opinion, its the little things that make the difference.
And if someone talks over you at work, politely but firmly remind them that you were in fact talking.
I would say I am pretty much the opposite to you, 5ft 10 ish, regular gym goer so toned and strong, but not 'built' so don't stand out physically, however I am generally always remembered. Probably not always for the right reasons though!
Do you make eye contact with the people you are engaging with?
Would you say you are self conscious? Does that affect your body language when you are in certain situations?
Using your specific example of meeting your new director, did you engage in further conversation upon introduction? Were you stood up? what was your handshake like? eye contact? etc etc
In my undoubtedly one sided opinion, its the little things that make the difference.
And if someone talks over you at work, politely but firmly remind them that you were in fact talking.
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